Concerning Souk

Before I start- its really sweet of Mak to share such kind words about me on his blog (so obviously i'm gonna link it for maximum exposure :P - i'm pathetic like that :)

So I was going to type out this really long post on my weekend at the Souk (Trade Fair) but then I started watching Smallville so lets see how much I can cover. Saturday I hosted an “Islamic” version of the Weakest Link (someone told the organizers that I’m witty and sarcastic so they got me to do the spot- obviously I am neither so I did enjoy the sarcasm aspect) I had a co presenter to do the boring bits like ask the questions, and I handled the insults. I spent some time in the morning making up some ‘muslim’ dumb lines like

Whose tasbeeh is missing a few beads?
Whose brain forgot to renew its Halaal certificate?
Whose musallah compass isn’t facing Meccah?
Whose mother forgot to feed them almonds this morning?
Whose Zam Zam well of knowledge has dried up?
Well, the loudspeakers are on, but I can’t hear the azaan?

We had a cut off age of fifteen so that the contestants would be assumabley smarter than a carpet of mould on a piece of stale bread. Should have thrown the net a little further as even though the contestants were around nineteen a piece they were dumb as hell! To give two examples- I asked one of them to name three of the five pillars of Islam, so they thought about it for a moment, then said ‘err, hajj, Taraweeh…’ then silence. Taraweeh! Sheesh. I asked another to name one of the four Caliphs after the prophet, and they said Bilal- I felt like hitting them with the mike. But I guess I’m over reacting as I asked a close friend the nest night and he was also confounded. I guess I take certain things for granted because of the crowd I hang out with it, but then again – the person who didn’t know the answer went to Orient Islamic school! Well, anyway, half way through the weakest link, my co presenter tells me, ‘ok Mj, please continue with the questions’. I was like, WTF, because I had to make up shit on the spot, since I do have a slight conscience I decided to go easy on the Islamic questions and did some general knowledge stuff. Sunday I did a piece on radio for Mak – he asked me to do a video game slot on his radio show ‘wired’, so this week I just highlighted my personal top ten lists for ps2, xbox 360 and psp. Later that evening we did another weakest link slot and some moron didn’t know what AIDS was. Oh well, it made him into such an easy target.

Later that night Masood and I co presented an arm wrestling competition which pretty quickly proved to be the most popular draw at the fair. I spent the night at his place( his folks were at wild coast) and we got into the Christmas spirit by watching Home Alone :) . I like celebrating Christmas! Yes, I am muslim, but I see nothing wrong in a day that brings families together. Whats wrong with a fat guy giving kids presents? We drove to his place around midnight and the church down the road was quite full for a midnight mass – I guess when stuff like that stops, when people stop going to church, then we should be worried. Monday afternoon we go to the Souk again and kick things off by M.C’ing a local nashhed group, Waahid, who did a superb job entertaining the crowds, and actually had two catchy songs (you know your stuff is catchy when Masood and I change the lyrics into something more lewd) That night we did another Arm-Wrestling conversation but this time we were joined by a new Al Ansaar presenter ‘Doc’. This was probably amongst the most memorable nights of my year as we had the crowd in stitches with our insults and jeers directed at all the participants. Its amazing how much shit we got away with actually. For instance, we had a Moulana who was arm – wrestling (picture someone with fist length beard, three quarter pants and miswaak in pocket). So our comments ranged from ‘he is Kajoor fuelled’ to ‘if he wins we must all go on jamaat’. We also had some big guys who we called shrek, hulk etc. I’m still amazed we got away unscathed. I tried my hand at it, at the audiences request, but lost pitifully to some steroid jacked up freak in his younger brothers top, a small consolation was that he made it to the final.

On Tuesday I walked around with a Lillah tin and used a pretty cool gimmick to get some money- I told all the stall holders that I only wanted twenty cents from each stall, normally you’d say ‘give whatever you want’. Anyway- turned out they all (due to guilt or goodwill) gave much more than twenty cents and within five minutes I made about five hundred rands- next year I’m gonna start a collection for my ps3 – hope that goes well. Lots more to write about- wasn’t the most exciting souk I attended, but was definitely a lot of fun- but its getting late so I’l leave those stories for another post.

Cam whoring with Celebs

so last week my friends coerced me to attend the Muslim 4eva Concert at the city hall. Normally I attend these kinda things because usually we do the sound for it, but this time around Kathrees was doing the sound- not that i'm bitter or anything, I firmly believe that Allaah gives rozi, all it meant was that I had to pay for tickets - Shit! I mean, you can carry on about how the money is going for a good cause and what not, but somehow that doesnt translate that well when i'm fifty rand poorer ( call me scrooge, but i just spent a whole lot on the xbox, so i've been thrifty of late.) So anyway - Masood ( big guy in black shirt standin next to Zain Bhikha) Seraj (Pin uP of Radio Al Ansaar) and I went for the concert. Growing up in this type of environment, means that you kinda know everyone from all the different muslim organisations. Soon you realise, when the same faces pop up everywhere that we really are an incestous little group of elitists ( but i'l save for another blog) Walking towards city hall, the first thing you notice is a huge white marquee (hmm, okay – a concert and a walima (well, I dot know why I was thinking about a walima, but anyway) so we enter the marquee to be greeted by a barrage of friendly and recognizable faces, from the ‘aunties who smile and say “hey betta, you that Azam Khan boy” to the younger crowd, who attend all these events. MMM- a confectionary stall selling fire-balls- gotta buy a pack or two. As we walked towards the entrance, I saw my friend ‘Uncle A.K Jingles’ and flagged him down like a New York taxi. “Uncle A.k”, I said, “Dawud Wharnsby is the shit, can I chat to him?” after taking a moment to decide whether I was being hostile or not, uncle A.k gave me a broad smile and escorted me to the back. Masood and Seraj weren’t about to miss out on this experience and came along. We sidestepped the security terminal and the metal detectors (damn, why did I leave my semi automatic machine gun at home!) and made our way to the back, trying hard not to act like prepubescent teenage girls at a Backstreet Boys concert. All the big pimps were chilling in the back- Zain Bhika, Dawud Wharnsby Ali, well… that was about it in terms of star power- some kids were also in the back, but they could have been props or something for all I know: P

It was heartening to note that even though his albums are globally renowned and that he has worked with top draws like Yusuf Islam and Rayhan, Zain’s first line of conversation hasn’t changed! After hugging me, he stood back and said “Mahomed Junaid, you really have grown since the last time I saw you”. Err – no man, I was the same height earlier this year, the same height when we met in December 2003. Sigh – I don’t blame him though- four Albums of more or less original Nasheeds can leave anyone burnt out. Spoke to Dawud for a bit, and obviously the first thing I asked was “The bubblegum song, (you know the sky is blue like the blue bubblegum, but it prays to Allah), tell me honestly, did you write it as a dare?” He smiled at me knowingly, like a father would smile at his son on his walima, and went into this whole “I find inspiration in nature spiel” the guy is a legend, legend I tell you! A few dirty stares from the organizers signaled to us that we overstayed our welcome, so after posing for a few superfluous shots, we left defiantly from the stage steps. A quick glance at the fifty rand ‘nose-bleed’ seats made me realize that at events like these, I aspire to be bourgeois, purely because they get the best seats, so I grabbed Seraj and without a shred of guilt, sat in the two hundred rand section- prime seating people- five rows from the front. While we waited for the show to start, Seraj got a bit nervous (I guess there are some hari poira’s left in the world, and he said, “MJ, what if this section is sold out”, “well”, I said , with just a smack of know it all ness that people sometimes translate as arrogance, “we’l just move to the 150 rand spot” Sorted. Scanning the ushers, I saw a bunch of familiar faces (here’s the incest bit again) Mak was there, the Quazi, Greaseball, and Akhi. I knew they wouldn’t give a shit if I sat in the two hundred rand section with a fifty rand ticket. Waiting for the show to start, I realized that there is something I need to do with my life before I’m thirty…wash my dog. (Not sure why I thought about that - my mind works in messed up ways).

Two friends were presenting, so I felt a ‘Nazjam I love you’ scream would help shatter any nervousness and stage fright. It appears that his father who was sitting three rows in front of me, thought otherwise. I guess this just egged me on, as I spent the night thinking of catchy things to scream, ‘nazjam 3:16’ and ‘word up to your mazhub’ after the rap being my favourites. First group to come on – Wahid, well, well, well. The guys were good solo, but somehow just didn’t gel as a group. The also reminded me of Nsync in that one chap was the main singer ala Justin Timberlake, while the others just kinda did backing vocals and the boring shit. Not like Backstreet Boys where every member contributed. Zain was cool, and he pleased the crowd with a few popular tracks. Although I must admit, it’s kinda hard distinguishing a few of his songs, as they sound so similar. So you left wondering, was that a pause, or is this a new single. Dawud Wharnsby Ali just did it for me – his quirky quips about converting to Islam, his messages to the youth, his integration of Hadith to explain his lyrics, and his wonderful voice really made it a worthwhile experience. What was quite cute is that he was really getting into the groove of his songs, tapping his feet, moving from side to side, doing a little shuffle. This made some of the more conservative members of the audience move around in their chairs nervously (some of them looked like they wanted to run home immediately and read two rakaats of Salaatul Taubah). we ended the night by taking popular songs and changing the words slightly, like instead off 'you cant take it with you when you go' we changed it to 'you can't get poonani when on haj' - an equally important message. The same with 'pizza in my pocket' to 'condom in my pocket' - We all have to do our bit

Concerning Theme Parks

I love theme Parks. Its a pity they all rip you off so badly. Theme Parks rule. I also love Water Parks - I try to visit a Water Park in every country I visit ( at least that's what I'm trying to do for the past few years. Didn't see any Water Parks in Saudi Arabia - I guess the Wahhabis discourage bikinis and boardshorts) so far the best I've been to is Waiwera in New Zealand and Wild Wadi in Dubai. Waiwera is a thermal resort, so when you leave the slide you fall into a pool of water that's about 35 degrees Celsius! Boy was I shocked the first time I hit the water. I felt like a frog being thrown into A pot. But once you go heated, cold water just doesn't cut it. The one in Singapore was cheap. Wild Wadi cost me like 200 rands.

We have a cool over priced water Park in Durban - uShaka Marine World. Its quite decent for a local Water park- a good selection of slides, next to a beautiful aquarium, and housed ina shopping complex that has KFC. What more can one ask for. However, ticket prices are steep, and it saddens me that locals (Durbanites) aren't given more discounts. We had an amazing water park in the Village Green area ( Now the site of the Suncoast casino) sadly this was destroyed in an effort to put all resources and revenue into the Ushaka project. The Old Waterworld rocked for two reasons. Firstly, it was relatively cheap, and second, they didn't give a shit about safety- the slides were more dangerous, they let you 'chain' and block the tube slides, you could braai on the grassy area. Aah. Good memories

If you wondering, that's my smaller sister and I standing at the entrance of the Cadbury Land castle, a theme Park within A theme park (its in Rainbows End in Auckland New Zealand) My nieces, Rumaysa and Moeena take up the rest of the picture

Concerning Haiku

today's post is rather different from most, as I would like all comments to be posted as Haiku - for the culturally challenged, haiku is a form of Japanese poetry that has a specific rhythmic pattern (google it). For purposes of uniformity, I have decided that we will stick to the common five syllable, seven syllable, five syllable meter.

Here's the piece that inspired me

We thrash, curse for air

As our strangler declares, look

How violent the Arab

Zein El-Amine

While I can only hope to some day achieve the poignancy of the above poem, for now, here are some of my own - Hmm - a few on Ramadaan, and a few on life. Enjoy

Aphrodisiac
Which we break fast with daily
Nafs, hard to control

Shoulder to shoulder
Please switch off cellular phones
Allahu Akbar

Chaos, cruelty
Men Fighting for survival
Free Palestine Now

caramel goodness
Also cleans stains from toilet
Life does tastes good, coke

Procrastination
Boredom, and insomnia
Solution, MXIT

Lord Of The Rings - Halaal version

Written by MJ Khan

Prelude
Three years into the caliphate of Sami Yusuf, the cruel Shaitaan Sauron plotted against Muslims. Muslims were growing progressively weaker after the passing of the Rightly Guided Leaders. Sauron, sensing this vulnerability of the Ummah, made a ring, and in it he poured all his malice and evil, in an attempt to ensnare all the practicing Muslims on earth. Sauron grew stronger as Muslims weakened, but finally in the great alliance of Zain Bhikha, Sauron was defeated. However, the ring of Sauron was not destroyed, and what was fact, turned to legend. And legend had turned to myth, and for one thousand years, everyone had forgotten about the ring of evil. During this time, Europe stepped out of the dark ages, and with its progresses in technology, science and hedonistic consumerism, Sauron was able to regain his strength and started searching for his ring.Unknown to Sauron, Hafez Suleiman Nafsi unearthed the ring during one of his whirling dervish exercises. Not knowing its value, he called his Sheik, Buzrook Gandalf for spiritual guidance (and hopefully some monetary remuneration – rich sufi’s are a dying breed) Hazrath Gandalf, upon seeing the ring, screamed out Naoozubillah and snatched the ring from his ignorant mureed. He had to have a Mashurah with all the different ulema bodies and Muslim NGO’s. But first, he had to stop at Hobbitton for the annual Jalsa that his friend Bilbo Baggins threw. After all, he realized that you can’t save the world on an empty stomach, and the thought of tasting Bilbo’s world famous Dholl and rice filled his heart with warmth. This is where our story begins…
HOBBITON
Hazrath Gandalf, rode his white steed Musafir, swiftly across the vast fields and paddocks of Hobbiton. It has been exactly a year since he saw his good friend Bilbo Baggins. Gandalf reflected affectionately, on their many adventures, defeating the Templars, conquering Constantinople and Spain. ‘Aah Good Memories’, thought Gandalf. Gandalf was going to be the guest of honour at Bilbo’s annual jalsa and Meelad. Even this great Honour could not suppress the burden he felt in his heart, nor could it lighten the weight he carried in his woolen pocket. ‘ Why didn’t I just go to a Daarool Uloom, instead of being self taught’, thought Gandalf. ‘That way I could have spent my time byhearting lectures by Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi instead of knowing about the significance of this cursed ring’. Not even the thought of the sweet cold Khier ( rice pudding) at Bilbo’s function, could make could brighten his spirits.The familiar yet captivating Athaan of Pippen welcomed Gandalf into Bag End. As he rode in, he saw Sam, the gardener making whudu at a rusty tap outside of Bag End.

‘Asalaamu Ailakum Ya Akhi’, a voice bellowed in the distance. Out waddled a stout man, not larger than five feet tall – Hobbits were well known for their diminutive nature. ‘ Wa Alaikumusalaam Buzrook’ hollered Gandalf, as the two embraced. ‘Hope the Journey went well my brother?’ asked Bilbo? Sorry for not waiting for you – I had to deal with some 'people of the book' in my backyard’. ‘No problem Hazrath’ beamed Gandalf, ‘did you ask them to show you where exactly in the bible they talk about the trinity?’ ‘Why do you think I took so long’ replied Bilbo, with a gleam in his eye. ‘I dare say you have met my nephew Frodo, Gandalf? Good boy – gets all his Salaah on time, he kept all his fasts this year as well. He protects his modesty…. Aah good boy akhi, good boy, Masha Allah’. Gandalf motioned towards the Jamaat Khana and said, let us perform our Asr, I have important news to discuss.After the Fardh Salaat, Gandalf sat with Bilbo and explained everything. Frodo entered the room and smiled. ‘Frodo my son – get Uncle Gandalf and I some bhajjias and murkhoo. Good boy Good Boy, Masha Allah’. ‘You see Bilbo Saahib’, I have to tell the other Muslims – this is big news, bigger than that Moon sighting dilemma we had three years ago, bigger than that hajj Scandal too’. ‘I remember that’, piped Bilbo, ‘those stupid dwarves insisting we had to fast thirty days because they didn’t believe the elves saw the moon. No unity, no unity’ said Bilbo, shaking his head frantically. ‘Well’, said Gandalf, ‘I intend to leave tomorrow after Fajr Insha Allah’, I still have to find Moulana Aragorn first, last I heard he was making Ziyyarut in Verulam, visiting the house of Sheik Deedat’. ‘Aah Deedat, good boy, good boy – Masha Allah’ said Bilbo. ‘ Why don’t you take Frodo and his friends’ said Bilbo. ‘Let them do some Da’wah for a change. Jihad has been ordained on them’. ‘Then it is done’ proclaimed Gandalf, Tomorrow we make haste for the fourth holiest site in Islam, after Makkah, Medinah, Al Aqsa. Tomorrow we make haste for Rivendell.

RIVENDELL – THE MASHURA OF ELROND
It seems that even though the various Ulema bodies cannot come to a consensus, regarding media and communications, they all have the latest in cellular technology, and everyone arrived in Rivendell timeously, except the dwarves, who stopped to read Zuhr but spent forty minutes trying to gauge which way was Qibla. As the name-calling began, we take our place at the entrance of the halka. Muslims of all different denominations start streaming in. The elvish Muslims from the Great woods, dwarves from Moriastaan, Sufi’s from all over Middle Earth. An entourage of men from Gondoristaan. Unfortunately it seems like no one bothered to inform the Shiaa’s. Each group huddled into little camps. The Great Woods elves started reciting some Islamic Rap, much to the dismay of the dwarves, who muttered ‘Bidaat, bidaat’ beneath their breath. A splinter group of men sat in the corner and whipped out their tasbees and started reading Zikr. It appears that they didn’t want to get involved in these affairs. The meeting commenced with the arrival of Moulana Aragorn and Moulana Elrond…
Elrond : Asaalamu alaikum to all that have come in. I know many of you have traveled great distances to join us in this Mubaruk Istima to exalt the oneness of Allah.
Boromir : Alhumdulillah
Gandalf : Actually we are here to discuss the Ring of Sauron, and to decide what to do with it. The ring is filled with fitnah- we have to destroy it
Elrond : Right Right brother Gandalf, the Istima is next weekend Insh Allah. I forgot that Easter is next weekend. Maaf
Mufti Gimli : There is no such ring, we do not believe in all this superstition and hocus pocus. I have not come across it in any of the Hadith Kitaabs, neither has it been mentioned by our great scholars of Islam
Moulana Aragorn : That is because the Ring was created after the time of the sahaba. You haven’t read about it because you only read books from the Indo – Pak region Mufti
Boromir : Astaghfirulah
Mufti Gimli : And what do you know AragornSahib? You’re beard is not even the Waajib fist length! Do not pollute my ears with your shirk.
Legolas : That Dawg is wack, aint no brudda gonna get ahead. Aight. Don’t worry Aragorn – the Nation of Elves, we got your back, word up to your mazhab
Boromir : Subhanallah
Mufti Gimli : Why are you imitating the Kuffar you ignorant elves. Allah’s wrath be on you. You don’t even have a beard. WaNaaoozubillah. And pull your pants up. We can all see your underwear. Have you no modesty. And your pants are below your ankles, fold them! And your long long hair – like women. Disgusting!
Legolas : Yo Dawg – The prophet has long hair. And speaking about women – where are all our sisters tonight. Why aren’t they here at the meeting? No Hijabbis in the hizzy?
Mufti Gimli : A women’s place is in the home
Moulana Aragorn : That isn’t true. Women were at the forefront of Islam during the prophet’s time you backward dwarf!
Mufti Gimli : Fat Lot you can say Aragorn. Running around with Elronds daughter, without Nikkah – probably fornicating. Astagfirullah – Allah’s curse on you.
Gandalf : Brothers, keep your personal issues at bay, we have to decide what to do with this ring. We have just learnt that Saruman the wise is in cahoots with Sauron
Boromir : Astaghfirullah
Mufti Gimli : Saruman! That zionist! I never trusted that one.
Legolas : Does that Boromir say anything else? That crackers vocab is lacking dawg
Aragorn : Gimli, How can Saruman be a Zionist – There is no Israel in Middle Earth
Gandalf : ENOUGH!! We need to destroy this ring
Boromir : Insha Allah
Elrond : Cant we read Ayatul Kursi and blow on it or something?
Gandalf : It can only be destroyed at the place where it was made. We have to travel to Mordor, passing treacherous lands, until we reach the fiery Crack of Doom where we shall thrust it.
Legolas : Sounds Whack
Gimli : The Elf has a point. Best if we send those four Hobbits to destroy it. Allah will protect them
Gandalf : They are too young to undertake this journey- we shall accompany them, besides, if its in my taqdeer to fall into a chasm in some abandoned mine shaft, so be it. Allahu Alam
And so the Fellowship departed from Rivendell, to destroy the ring. Stay Tuned for part two
MJ