Thursday, June 10, 2010

If Hashim Amla Played Soccer

If Hashim played soccer he would never dive.

If Hashim played soccer all matches on Thursday night will be moved.

If Hashim played soccer, they'd be sprinkling rose water over the players when they stand for the national anthem

If Hashim played soccer and he scored like Maradona, the commentators would call it the the "hand of Hazrath". But Hashim wouldn't take the goal.

If Hashim played soccer we'd have to stop calling Benni fat and refer to him as Masha Allah

If Hashim played soccer then yellow cards would be replaced by 'Astaghfirullahs,' and red cards by 'naoozibillahs'. When you get a 'naoozibillah' you must sit on the taubah bench and reflect

If Hashim played soccer you would get a yellow card for drinking water while standing

If Hashim played soccer they would rename Cape towns stadium to Green Dome.

If Hashim played soccer, the 90 Minutes would be fardh time, with Extra Time being optional.

If Hashim played Soccer, he would encourage you to kick with your right leg.

If Hashim played Soccer, Instead of shaking the players hands before kick off, Sepp Blatter will put attar.

I originally did this as a facebook status update so I got some great additions from Minhaj

If Hashim played soccer, the world cup would last for 40 days.

If Hashim played soccer, then yellow cards would be makrooh

If Hashim Amla played soccer, then the Fifa countdown would be replaced by 'Insha Allah'

and from The Great One

If Hashim played soccer, stadiums would have a purdah section


(If you are going to e-mail this or bbm it, I'd appreciate it if you leave my name on it)

Fell free to add in the comments.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Wavin Flag - The MJ Version

So The idea here is that all the Arab countries are worried that the World Cup will steal the spotlight from them so what they do is take the Official Coca Cola Anthem (which should have been the World Cup Anthem and not that waka waka crap) and change it so it can be sung at Protest rallies. The original is by K'Naan and is called Wavin Flag. Like all my parodies - its easier to sing along if you have the original in the background

Ooooooh Wooooooh, Ooooooh Wooooooh

Give me matches, give me fire, give me petrol, build a pyre
See the invaders, take the land now, you defy us, make us feel down
In the streets our cries are lifting, as we face the imposition,
Occupation, it surround us, every blockade, all around us

Lighting whatever burns, lighting cloth to express concerns
Lets protest in the only way,
In the hopes that they go away.
We all say

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call this freedom, just like a burnin’ flag

and then it goes black, and then it goes black, and then it goes black

and then it goes

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call it freedom, just like a burnin’ flag
So burn that flag, now burn that flag, now burn that flag

Oooohhh, Oooooooooh wooooohh, Oooooooooh wooooohh

Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And everybody will be burning it
Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And we all will be burning it


Wednesday, June 02, 2010


I'm Hungry.

Like really hungry.

But I'm going to sleep in a few minutes and mum says it isn't good to eat just before you sleep. I guess she must be right. She was right when she warned me that the stove was hot. Right about now, you must be like, 'why don't you stop typing and make yourself a sandwich you moron'. Too many rights in one paragraph. I don't like repeating words. Unless I'm singing songs by 2Unlimited. Then I'm kinda forced to.

I'm not making a sandwich because I want chicken tikka and I cant make that shit at home. Heck, I couldnt make the bloody thing in Gordon Ramsays kitchen. But the point is, anything else is settling. Now this isnt life or death. I mean, if it was I'd eat 'Indulges' food and drink Cre Cola. Anything to keep brand MJ alive. Thats what we are at the end of the day. Brands.

I never knew what a flotilla was until I read the review of Twilight 2 by Cracked. Its weird how we learn stuff. And what we remember in terms of word association. Like for example, When the Earthquake hit Haiti earlier this year I immediately drew on the three images I had of Haitians based on media representation

a) The dudes from Bad Boys who said 'The Devil is not welcome HHHEEERRRE!
b) The Haitian from Heroes whose ability is to cockblock everyones powers
c) The chaps from GTA Vice City.

So anyway, im drinking Liqui Fruit Marula Something. Not too sure what the second word is but im sure there is something there. Mania or something. Again - when I think Marula, I think drunk elephants and alcohol that looks like peach yogi sip. Which is weird really because when I think Grapes, I dont think wine. Maybe I should eat more Marula fruit. Maybe I am already but I think they are apricots or something.

I should get some sleep. My sleeping patterns are messed up. But the way I see it, mornings are overrated anyway. Unless you are Wimpy. Thats the only time you'll ever make any money. I wonder if the soccer teams stay for the month. If I was a player, I'd like to stay for the month. Do some tourism stuff, attend the semi finals. That sorta thing. Or is it part of some huge humiliation ritual that the day after you get knocked out, you have to be deported for sucking so much. I wonder if New Zealand called the hotel and were like, we'd like to book this place for two weeks please.

I want a catchy song I can parody. Something recent. Suggestions please (not waka waka).