Saturday, October 23, 2010

Concerning Heroism

Heroism is often described as bravery, gallantry and fortitude.

But since I'm still having problems with three syllable words, I have no idea what any of that means.

For me heroism is a combination of dashing good looks, foolhardy decisions, and the lack of a little voice which tells me that sticking my hand in a biltong shredder is counter-productive. (whatever that means - damn syllables)

It was either Buddha or Optimus Prime who said "fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing"

To choose one heroic moment among the dozen is difficult. Mostly because I'm usually unconscious when they happen. like the time I saw the iceberg and hit my head before I could warn the captain, or even when I was supposed to be keeping an eye on Kanye West at that movie awards and mistakenly got punched in the face by Queen Latifah when I told her she was great in Precious.

So here I was on a yacht with former wrestler Carlito, former Tennis superstar Pete Sampras, former Heroes star Milo Ventimiglisomething and former American President Bill Clinton. Aah yes, the 'S.S Washed up' was brimming with hacks. And I dont mean the type who break into wikipedia and edit the 'Woolworths' page.

The Peter Petrelli guy wanted to go fishing because he heard that the Loch Ness monster lived in water. Bill Clinton tried to convince him that we were sailing on the Pacific Ocean but since the whole Monica Lewisnky thing, Big Willies credibility is worthless. So we all lined up, facing starboard ( I googled that) and cast our lines into the ocean. Everyone but Pete Sampras who complained about something called 'Tennis elbow'. I think he picked it up while playing wii sports.

Within a few minutes the Heroes dude was jerked forward by a sudden tug on his line. Could the legend of Nessie actually be true? And if it was, why was Fate allowing this guy to catch it and not someone cooler like Charlie Sheen? Before I could continue my train of thought between who was a better tv star, Two and a Half Mens Charlie or CSI's Grissom, (who incidently was on the yacht with us, I heard a shriek that sounded like a little girl who had been hit by an old rear projection tv. One of those big ones that rich people used to own before plasmas were invented.

Turns out that Vanilla Ice and some other wash-outs were scuba diving in the exact spot where we had cast our lines, and that Milo 'Petrelli' managed to snag Ice by the mouth.

Without hesitating I jumped past Russel Crowe and snipped the line using a swiss army knife that was all the rage in the late eighties. I dont know what I was doing with a swiss army knife at the time, I mean, seriously, we all have one but we never ever use it. They should put a nailclipper in it. So anyway - I cut the line and saved Vanilla Ice who went on to star in a Castle Light advert which was huge in South Africa. It was because of this incident that Mariah Carey sang the song 'And then an MJ came along, with the strength to carry on'.

True Story.

Yeah, I think it was Optimus Prime who said that.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Concerning the Old Spice Man

I really love the Old Spice commercial, so decided to record my own version using my phone. I want to do a video for this, but since i'm alone at home at the moment i'l have to do it another time.

Heres the audio clip

"Hello Musallees. Look at your salaah, now back to mine. Now back at your salaah. Now back to mine. Sadly your salaah isnt like mine. But if you stop hunching your back and switch to proper posture, it could look like mine. Look right. Look left. What was that? youre supposed to be making salaam to your shoulder angels. Now raise your hands for dua. Back at me. I know, its a supplication for that thing you love. Look again, the Duas are now diamonds! Anything is possible when your salaah is performed properly and correctly. I'm on a rug"



Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Concerning The Godfather - MJ Style

FADE FROM BLACK: Int. of Don Khaneoles home office - day

BABBOO ESSA (seated in front of the Don's desk, facing the camera)

I believe in hardware. Hardware has made my fortune. Hardware has taught me izzat (respect) I have tried to instill this izzat in my daughter -- I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend; not a Tablighi. She went for a qawali with him; she stayed out till fajr . I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another mureed. They made her drink niaz kheer at a Meelad. And then they tried to make her stand for salaami.

Now she wants to recite naath sharif at a urs!

I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life -- beautiful girl. Now she will be a deviate.

[Babboo Essa breaks down. The Don gestures to Shaheen to give Babboo Essa some water]


[Babboo Essa, taking the glass with his right hand]

I went to the Jamiat, like a good Muslim. They urged me to be patient. To provide emotional support for my daughter, but I cannot! I said to my wife, "for haq! We must go to Don Khaneole."

Younus Khaneole (sitting behind his desk, holding a tasbeeh)

Why does this issue weigh your heart? She is still part of the ahlus Sunnah. She has not turned apostate, or even worse, into a Baha’i.


Don, you need to bring her back to the straight path


We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for mashurah. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for tea and samoosas, even though my wife is your chotifois daughter in law on Fathimas side. But this is not right. You come into my home on the day of my daughters nikkah and ask me to condemn yours because shes taken an interest in a different school of thought. I believe in Unity Babboo. In uniting the families. And you want me to pass judgement on who is right and wrong! I’m reading durood sharif and counting to ten. You better be out of my house by the time I reach ten!


Make maaf Don Khaneole, I meant no disrespect. I see the error in my ways. I shall embrace her, and I promise I will no let three days go without us not saying a word to each other.


Respect differences in opinion

BABBOO ESSA (as he leaves the room)

Shukran bhai Saab

CUT TO: Luca Bhai in Don Khaneoles office -day

LUCA BHAI (after kissing the Don's left cheek)

Don Khaneole, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daugh-- ter's nikkah

(then, after realizing he messed up his rehearsed lines, he fails to recover)

...on the day of your daughter's nikkah. And I hope that their first child is a haafizul Quraan. I pledge my ever-ending loyalty. --

[Playing kids run into the room and then are escorted out by Taahir]

(then, as Luca hands Don Khaneole a cash-filled envelope)

A Kuncha from me


Thank you, Luca, my most valued friend.


Don Khaneole, I'm gonna leave you now, because I know it is almost time for asr


Thank you.

[Taahir escorts Luca out]

[OutSide: Screaming of joy from the party outside]


What is that outside?

CUT TO: Outside, Zain Bhikha enters the party, signing autographs

CONNIE BEN(while running up to Zain)

Zain! Zain! You’ve come!

CUT TO: Don's office. The Don is looking out the window


He came all the way from Johannesburg to come to the wedding; I told you he was going to come.


It's been four years since Mountains of Mecca; He is promoting that new album of his. The one with his kid.


He's a good godson.

CUT TO: Bandstand area -day


Zain, Zain! Sing a Nasheed.

[the crowd encourages Zain, and he gives in]

CUT TO: Mikaeel and Kay's table -day


Mik, you never told me you knew Zain Bhikha!


Sure... You wanna meet him?


Huh? Oh, well, sure!


My father helped him with his career.

ZAIN BHIKHA (OS - outside)

For my sister on her wedding


He did? How?

ZAIN (OS, singing "Zamilooni")

"He stepped inside his home..."


Let's listen to the song...


Oh, Mikaeel...

CUT TO: Zain singing to Connie, who's seated. Then PAN the crowd cheering and

screaming as Zain sings

ZAIN (singing, continues)

"...she was a woman of nobility / successful in all her trade / many wealthy men have asked for her / She had turned them all away / but when she saw Muhammed, a shining moon..."


Please, Mikaeel, tell me.

ZAIN (OS, continues the nasheed)

"He was a light for her / so right for her..."


Zain started off small. Back in 94 when no one was doing English nasheeds. He had no backing or anything so his first album, ‘A Way of Life’ was self published. It got big, and big quick. Before you knew it, everyone was clamouring to work with him. Yusuf Islam, Dawud Wharnsby, Raihaan you name it. So Zain signed up with Jamal records about five years later and bham, exploded into the Global scene. In 2005 Dad told Zain that he needed to create his own Label, and ‘Mountains of Mecca’ was the first album they produced together.

[The song is finished, and we hear applause. The Don goes out to meet and hug Zain]

DON (to the surrounding guests)

My godson comes all the way from Johannesburg...give him a glass of sarbat

ZAIN (whispers into the Don's ear that he wants to talk to him)


I'll take care of it.

CUT TO: Zain Bhikha in the Don's office. -day


I don't know what to do. Theres a huge Nasheed Extravaganza in London next month. Its billed as the ‘Night of Classics’. It will be a great opportunity to market my new single, ‘First we need the Love’. Yusufs performing Tala Al Badru Alaina, and Dawud is doing ‘Sing children of the world’. I want to perform Mountains of Mecca and ‘His name is Muhammed’ but the producer wont give me a slot as I didn’t want to record a single with that new Muslim Rock Band ‘Red Hot Shariah Peppers’. You know I only use vocal percussion and daff Godfather.


What's his name?


Waleed -- Waleed. He -- He won't give me a slot -- and ah, he says there's no chance. No chance.


Dont worry my son, It will all be taken care off. I’l make him an offer he cant refuse. Now go enjoy the wedding, the haleem is about to be served.

*End of Act One*


(This movie is too long to parody in a single post, so I'l split it up into like four blogposts)

(and yes - I love
Zain Bhikha!)