Thursday, February 19, 2015

Tweets from January and February 2014

In an effort to blog more, and recycle, here's some of my tweets from January and February of 2014. Let me know if you like any of them, mum. Also, let me know if you don't get any of the references.


And I said 'what about Breakfast at Tiffany's?' She said 'I think that they're not Halaal.'

Happy feet is 'step-up' for penguins.

Do people in Klerksdorp and Piet Retief feel lied to when the narrator in the movie trailer says 'Coming soon to a theatre close to you'.

Yo momma's so fat her @JohnCena t-shirt says "You can't see anything else".

You know that Mecca has become too commercialised the day they start marketing it as 'bottomless zamzam'

My timeline brings all the bots to the yard.

Proclaimers '500 miles' is like a Jamaat anthem.

'Vorsprung durch Tabligh!' When Jamaat brothers appropriate brand slogans.

Do people who shop at 'plastic land' have a bucket list?

What's up with muslim kids styling their hair like Guile from Street Fighter!

Chana magaj is the Timothy Dalton of sweetmeats.

"She wants the deen" new age imam trying to connect with a younger crowd.

One thing about Hitler though - dude appears in a lot of moustache infographics.
If you went to a bird park and all you saw were hadedas.... You lost!

Indians will store atchar in milk bottles if the mouth was big enough.

Witch-hunts were usually a crowd-sourced affair.

Lion King is basically about the rise and fall of hyenas during the Scar administration.
I'd be pissed if I was illiterate and someone handed me a fortune cookie.

The person who made up the ' We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police' joke probably never ordered Caminettos.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will add that shit to his linkedin profile.

Here's a tip. Check which version of the Bang Bang Club you hired before watching it with your in-laws
Treat your wife to a romantic dinner this valentine's. At your mother's house.

If you're buying valentine's day gifts from toys r us...#sheistooyoungforyoubro

Nothing says friendzoned like an e-mail that starts with 'Slmz brother in Islam'.

Colour-blind people should not work in bomb disposal.

Don't count your chickens before they are certified.

Samoosa runs are very different to chicken tikka runs.
"PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS! Itty-bitty living space!" All townhouses in Fourways.

Deenyat kitabs are the only non-medical books in the world that refer to farting as 'passing wind'.
Shouldn't it have been called 'murder she typed' ?

I have a dream, that one day, the guys at TRO will be exposed to a better range of chewing gum.
'What I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career' - Liam Neeson's Linkedin Profile.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Concerning Peace

What if the clash of civilizations was an internal struggle? What if peace simply stopped at making peace with oneself? Might be easier to cope with despondency, to rationalize hate. Hate from those you've never met, and those that share your beliefs. There's a problem when we frame beheadings as barbaric, but have no problem with drone attacks. Both are detestable. Both are worthy of contempt, outrage.

I wonder what comes to your mind when you read 'beheadings'. Did you imagine Marie Antoinette, awaiting the guillotine, perhaps Ned Stark kneeling at King's Landing, or like me, you thought about the Egyptians, slaughtered by ISIS a few days ago.

My fears are closer to home. I don't fear being attacked while I'm at the musjid, like so many in Pakistan do. I'm grateful for that. I fear smash and grabbers, robbers, remote jammers and a political machine twisted to protect one man, while being complicit in denying the rights of so many.

I can switch on my playstation, and for a moment, make peace with the knotted, lashes of reality. Well, as long as loadshedding doesn't spoil my middle-class pleasures. It's hard to have faith in humanity. It's hard to imagine peace. Maybe I'll find peace in indifference. Or in the clutches of self-censorship, the force that compels me to wait before commenting, posting, committing. I haven't found peace elsewhere.