Thursday, January 17, 2008

Concerning Yo Momma!

Went to Waseems chatbox earlier and he put up an original Yo Momma joke. Its quite funny

Yo momma so fat, the genie from Aladdin had to grant her 4 wishes

Then I realised - we don't have any muslim 'yo mamma' jokes, so heres a few that I thought of today

Yo momma so fat she couldn't perform haj because people were circling her!

yo momma is so fat, she makes ghusl in the Indian ocean

yo mommas fingers are so fat, she had to make a tasbeeh out of tennis balls

yo mommas so fat, when she raises her hands for takbeer she knocks out half the saf

Yo mommas so fat and ugly, when she was in Mina, they stoned her!

Yo mommas so fat, she has to pay five percent zakaat

Yo mommas so ugly, purdah became compulsory on her

yo mommas so old, she knew a Taba Taabi een

Yo momma so ugly, when she was born they had to play the azaan on the hifi because no one

wanted to get close to her face

yo momma so fat she dont need anyone to complete her

yo momma so fat, her qabr had to be six feet wide

Yo momma so ugly, when your dad made nikkah, she paid him mehr

yo momma so fat, her miswaak is an oak tree

yo mommas so fat when she wears white people stop fasting and celebrate Eid

From Waseem and Saaleha

Your momma so old, she was on the ark with Nuh (A.S), and shes so fat, he paired her up with an elephant.

Your momma is so ugly, one glance is enough

yo mamma's so fat she qualifies as two witnesses.

Before I get grilled by any anonymous commenters, I'm not picking on anyones mum. I have the highest regards for all mothers and I make dua that allah grants them all lofty positions, and that their children are a coolness of their eyes. This blog should be taken in jest (let me bold that up for you haters out there). if you have anymore - feel free to contribute. Don't get personal, or blasphemous and don't copy and paste from the Internet. Oh - I'm looking for muslim references preferably.


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Concerning Souks (1)

New Years Midnight Medley - all the artists on stage performing tala al badru alaina and salaatullah. From left - Nazjam, The Legend Seraj, Mj's Ass, Australian Nasheeed machine, Shaam, waahid, my brother A.K (the sound engineer) , arif subrathie and Kaleel Muhammed with his sweet ass drum

This is the first in a few Souk Posts - I am currently writing up a proposal for the organisers regarding this years souk - Its no use sitting on my ass and criticising without doing anything about it. Please feel free to contribute as well - I will include suggestions in my proposal. The past souk was awesome, sad, amazing, sad.

Cut it down to five days – twelve days might seem like a great deal for stallholders, but it isn't – its tiring, long and what happens is that by the time they get to the busy days (the last weekend) their productivity levels drop and they cant maximise sales. Besides – two weeks! The biggest conventions in the world aren't more than a week – I mean, the E3 convention is a mere 3 days. Kyoto isn't this long! OkMJ says – cut it down to five days – Set up on Thursday – kick of Friday after Jummah – go through to the following Tuesday (Many people come the first time to browse and a second time to purchase)

By cutting down the number of days you are using the Exhibition Centre, the hiring fee will come down as well – I think that the stallholders fees are too high and that the only reason most are putting up with it is that they have no alternative – I spoke to many of the stallholders – its hard to come out when you have such high overheads. Rather get more sponsors to cover it. And if money is tight, don’t get groups like Shaam or any other group that charges close to the GDP of Sudan. Will come to back to Entertainment in a bit

OK – Lets talk about the back of the hall – first off – scrap the crappy Bridal Exhibition thing – If people want that, the Nedbank Bridal Exhibition offers a much better alternative – Bridal and D├ęcor companies can take standard exhibitor stands anyway. Now that we have some space – Put trestles up – I’m talking about a hundred at least – cheap rates for small businesses – the Lady selling murkhoo from home, the dressmakers, the girl who makes beautiful beaded key rings etc. The problem with the souk is that it has become too commercial, and it has lost any sense of family or community. We need to use the souk to promote and uplift the little guy –sure, keep your BMW Supertech, but don’t forget that you are a grassroots community organisation first, and an Events Coordination group second.

People bitch about the No Pass-outs policy – I have no problem with it – The House and Garden show has a No Pass-out policy and we don’t argue with them because its not a Muslim run event. This goes back to our attitude regarding Muslims and non Muslims – but that’s a posy on its own - Besides – the entrance is 10 rands a person, not thirty like the House and Garden show. Most people do not abuse the pass-out system, but Ive worked at the gates, and I’ve seen it happen before where people give their pass-out to someone else to come in.

Now we need to justify the ten rand entrance – I think it’s a fair price to charge, but if they are going to charge ten rand, they need to provide decent consistent entertainment

We have so many local acts out there – They need to start pushing them – give them a decent amount, as well as the opportunity to sell their C.D’s – Shaam rocked, and I am glad I had the pleasure of working with them but I honestly think they were wasted due to poor crowd turn out – in fact ray maharaj of Bala and Peru and my musical chairs (nasheed Chairs) drew the biggest crowds – People love nasheed and naath but they love comedy more- Riaad Moosa is expensive, But I think he will be a great draw card – also, the crowd loved Afzal Khan (Joes dad) but he only had one performance. Qari Ziyaad, Qari Mohammed ally, Zain Bhikha – we have so many talented local acts that we can use. Iman from cape Town rocked, and I developed a really close friendshp with the five guys – The should definitely be called back. Zaid Boyd (The Australian Nasheed Machine)Waahid, Kaleel Muhammed And Qari Yaeesh were also top notch but it was just too little – too few performers being stretched across two stages. This year – make the outdoor stage entertainment only – keep the indoor stage for kiddies jalsas, women's cooking shows, game show, activities and stallholders promotions ( I believe strongly that we need to push stallholders promotions as much as we can, that’s why I used to walk around with a mike about three times a day, interviewing stallholders and promoting their specials – everyone should benefit from the souk, and without stallholder support, the souk is nothing.

Have you noticed that all the NGO’s and ‘Lillah Fitrah Zakaat’ community organisations were shoved to the back of the hall – that’s not cool – no one cares about going there. Once you hit half way, you’re tired of walking anyway – Rather intersperse them with the exhibitors. Again – this is another sign that the souk has become too commercial at the expense of community.

I think the fun fair was a great idea and I hope they bring it back this year

I feel that the organisers are pandering only to one school of thought, and because of this, barelwis (‘sunnis’) feel marginalised. Otherwise there would be Qawali on one night or something. Sadly, this comes back to commercial pressure influencing decisions.

The biggest problem with the souk- this isn't the house and garden show. Its a grass roots community organisation and not a corporate body of some type. I've been to many conventions, International and local. I don't know why they want to position the souk this way. The crowds were much much smaller this year. Surely this is a sign that they are approaching it the wrong way. I mean huge banners and street pole signs all across the periphery of the exhibition centre! Do you know what a waste of money that was. Ninety percent of the people coming for the souk had the intention of going there from home. No one was driving on walnut road, saw the street sign and thought 'hey, souk. Hmmm. Whats that? Let me see'

If all you want to comment on is whether music is haram or not, i urge you to read Sheik Qardawi's Fatwa on music and throwing the word haram around. Also, try to avoid pushing your viewpoint on this topic. I respect all three viewpoints. I will do a blog on music and the various rulings soon - but bear in mind - three ulema from the same daarool uloom do not make up a consensus.

Concerning Sleep

When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you’re not here, I can’t go to sleep.

Praise Allah for these two insomnias!
And the difference between them


Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Pirates of the Caribbean – Chatsworth style

Captain Jack sighted the area. This way, that way. Where he had once seen ‘maacha’, life presented problems. Feeling more kak than a man who was just four-balled at thunnee and more sober than a pundit on Diwali; life seemed lower than Mallika Sherawats top in a Bollywood movie, and more shameless too. Captain Jack never had a problem with shame, until now. He was lost without his prized GTI - the Black Pearl.

The Pearl was a beauty – sleek as one jaguar (not like that nye rajbansi’s tiger) She purred like a mountain lion when jack revved her up. Fastest car in Chatsworth – no word of lie. She used to eat the M3’s like they were banana bhajias. Jack could only sit and lament over her. See, three days ago, that maader chord Barbosa took her away . What a beauty, gone. Jack couldn’t vie to the Kerels because he bought the cab from Barbosa and didn’t outlay all the crown one time. Jack was in the middle of a skiddik that vied shambies and couldn’t put payment that month. What to do, what to do– no cab, no stekkie, no dop. No credit for mxit. Times were swak.

Jack sat on the verandah of his mothers house and scratched his head. Even that cake Turner don’t come to his posie, ever since he got whiff of that Lizabeth stekkie. ‘That stekkie was jux for me’, Jack said, bitter that he did not close the deal when they were alone in his cab. “yeh, that ou Will is a poes. No offline messages, no pokes. Nothing. Wakkind bra is dat”, Jack thought as he wallowed.

No sooner than he started cursing Wills Ma then the ou pulled in at his pozie. Will was a graafer you see, things were hard growing up for him – no bullie, and he had to graaf with his hands. Because of that Will drove a Cortina. You know how some cars have a fitted sound sytem, Wills cab had a fitted smoke machine – every time Will switched his car on, fumes will come out of the exhaust – just down the road in Amanzimtoti, the wit ous call that Pollution. Lizabeth stekkie jumped out of the passenger seat – all slaaned up. There was something manly about this stekkie, but Jack couldn’t place it. Will always smaaked the flat chested ones. Jack warned him once. He said “Bra, don’t ever pick up stekkies when you’re on and the strobe light is vying for it (Will met Elizabeth at the Cape to Cairo nightclub on mahatma Gandhi Road)

‘Wakkind lightie’ Will screamed at Jack even though they were only two metres away from each other (the wit ous in Amanzimtoti don’t realize that us Charous are loud people – they only know that Diwali time when the crackers go off). ‘You’re a poes’ jack hollered back at him (the wit ous in Amanzimtoti don’t realize that poes is a term of endearment amongst bras. But then again, neither did jack)

‘Same same bra’, Will responded. ‘Wanna vie Lugs with us?’ Elizabeth shot a nasty look at Will, the same look she gave him when he told her how pretty and fair her cousin Sheila is. Jack checked this and said “your dragon not too thrilled with this idea. She realize she not gay and wants to break up with you? (this was usually Jacks response for every awkward moment – us charous are homophobilious or something – ey we don’t smaak the gay ous – not like the wit ous in Amamzimtoti)

Elizabeth, who possessed the same amount of tact as Jack screamed at him. “what climbed up your arse? Where’s your cab huh? That slum ou pulled it from you huh – no more black Pearl. He must have changed it back to barbosa786 – ZN.”

‘Waah’, Will exclaimed as he held his hand to his mouth, ‘My stekkie dallared you swak. You got burnt bra’. Jack quickly responded ‘Your ma got burnt when she realized she wasn’t gay you poes’. Realising that there’s nothing worse than sitting at home on a Saturday night (SABC shows some shit movies on a Saturday) Jack jumped in the car and the three of them vied to Lugs.
Stay tuned for part two where Jack, Will and that Lizabeth stekkie try to break into Barbosa’s posie to reclaim the Black Pearl while avoiding Barbosas Rottweiller, Kraken.