Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Anonymous Callers Podcast

My last show for the Muharram broadcast. I intended for it to be a feedback show for the Souk, and I wanted to discuss Hoaxes in our community (something which I have written about before but I will touch on again soon)

However - I was inundated with calls from people who wanted to complain about something or the other, so I gave them a platform to air their views. Hope you guys enjoy it. And you can download the file from this link

Monday, January 25, 2010

Inappropriate Wedding Day Tweets

Some folks feel the need to tweet everything they do. So i'm thinking - what if a guy who is addicted to twitter, tweets continuously on his wedding day?

i'm guessing it will look something like this.


For those not familiar with twitters template - the posts are in chronological order which means that you need to scroll down and and work your way up.

Also - Ive included a time before each tweet.

This ones dedicated to the birthday Girl, ms Samina Anwary and to the Queen of the tweets, ms Khadija Patel

Heres a transcript so you dont have to click the link if you dont care much for twitters template

(morning) Big Day is here :D So excited. Must not forget to shave balls

(08:30) Shoutout to @momo78666 @slumjedi and @taubah-later for kick-ass bachelor party last night. Those girls can bend

(08:32) err Bachelor movie night watching step up 2. yeah - thanks for that one

(9:00) Why are there so many kids in my house.

(10:00) Need a funky walk in. Something that says 'Look at Me'. Must think of one and tell sound guy.

(14:00) I dont see the point in packing an overnight bag.

(15:00) Getting my hair done. damn topi is going to mess up the gel.

(16:00) Oh Fudge. Does anyone know how to tie a tie? These damn youtube videos suck

(16:30) Dam i'm looking good. How do I upload a twitpic?

(17:30) Entering Mosque. Bye Bye Freedom. hello Ball and Chain

(17:47) How can this Moulana not bring a pen? Come on- its not your first nikkah signing. Bring Book and Pen. I didnt forget your envelope

(17:50) Totally nailed those three words. MJ FTW! Stand in line and hug me bitches

(18:00) Brides little sister shoved a glass of pink milkshake in my face. I'm saying pink and not strawberry bcoz this tastes nothin like it

(18:05) Right - Ready to walk down. OH SHIT! forgot to organise a walk in. Hope they play something cool for me to walk down to

(18:06) Flip! Kenny G.

(18:08) Who are all these old ladies that are hugging me. Smearing their bright red lipstick on my cheek. yeuckh!

(18:12) Enough of this now. I want to see my wife!

(18:13) The wife (I love saying this) is looking hot. I WIN!

(18:18) Feels weird sitting on the stage. Everyones looking at me. I feel like a monkey. Actually im just feeling for a banana

(18:26) Who gave this old nob the mike? Its hot on stage. I need to signal someone to turn the airconditioning up.

(18:37) Ballie stop talking!

(18:46) This Salaami is taking long. My legs are starting to go numb. Wife's Tab uncle is standing - much respect :D

(18:53) Finally! we get some food. yes - theres coke. ALLAHUAKBAR!

(18:58) wife not eating. Might need to get her some super C's or Red Bulls or something for later. lol.

(19:01) I think I have some green shit stuck in my teeth

(19:25) Picture Time. Damn that zaheera aunty has a large family. They must have polished a deg on their own.

(19:56) How much longer will this take? I need to fart

(20:45) Time for 'couple' shots. I feel a little silly in these poses. Hope I come out hot though - I need a new fb profile pic.

(21:03) wife is wishing family. Crying. Shes making me feel bad

(21:05) wife brother is holding her and crying. haha fag!

(21:17) Finally! Onwards towards hotel driver. Hmm - changing fb relationship status to 'married'. UPDATE!

(21:43) Lying on bed. In my boxers. Wife is going to take all those pins and shit out of her hair and wear something sexy for me.

(22:17) What is she doing in there?

(22:19) should have packed a magazine or something. Maybe i'l log onto mxit for a few minutes. Oh look - engineering book by the TV

(22:20) Insert Tab A into slot B. haha @taubah-later - you nob!

(22:23) Well hello gorgeous! Grooarr. Get on the bed woman! I want you all night long. I'm iron Man! I'l go for hours

(22:24) Is that it?

(22:25) this sucks

(22:26) Wife dsnt seem too thrilled with performance. Turned over and gone to sleep. Oh well - might as well watch champ league highlights


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Concerning Movies (2009)

My annual movie awards returneth.

Ive decided to use the same categories as my 2007 recap and my 2008. So lets see what won

As with all my posts/notes - its subjective. So if you disagree - by all means correct me.

Best animated movie
Up (stunning movie)

Worst Animated Movie
Bolt 3D

Best Comic Book Movie
X men Origins: Wolverine

Best Bollywood Movie
I watched 3 Idiots on friday - but since it came out in 2009 (in South Africa) i'm going to include it - otherwise the column would be blank (New York was the least mediocre though)

Best Adaptation
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Best movie most people will overlook

Crappiest Sequel
Transformers 2

Best Movie experience

Biggest movie thats not in my list except here just to point out that it didnt win anything
Star Trek

Best Sequel
Night at the Museum 2

Most surprisingly awesome
Hannah Montana.... i'm just kidding - Invictus (watched in 2010 released in 2009)

Worst movie Shiraz picked
G.I Joe

Best Comedy
The Hangover

Biggest dissapointment
Terminator Salvation

Worst Adaptation
G.I Joe

Worst Popcorn

Best Popcorn
Cinema Nouveau Gateway

Worst Movie
Streetfighter: Legend of Chun Li

Movie of the Year
District 9

The Nicholas Cage award for crap acting

(p.s - I might change my mind if I remember something)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Concerning Age

I dont know why people ask me for relationship advice. Seriously. The last relationship I had ended in 2003. I'm like the last person you should ask for relationship advice. Well, second last really - Chris Brown takes the honours for this one. Asking me about relationships is like asking Gandhi for bodybuilding tips.

So this guy asks me if age is a big deal. And my reply is - "well, it depends really". So I asked him what the age gap is like - I dont believe in that 'age is just a number' cliche - tell that to your parole officer. He is like, "ten years". See, it depends. I mean, if he is 35, and she is 25 - then I dont see a problem really. But if he's 18...

Another question I sometimes get is "Shes the love of my life, I'd die for her, but her father wont let me marry her". Off course he wont you asshole, you are both sixteen. Finish Matric at least - spend three months in your daddy's shop and then try again. Until then - do your calculus homework.

And now everyone is falling in love online. Mxit romance and facebook flings and what not. "MJ - this chick I like flirts with guys on her wall". I'm like "Dude, its facebook - most chicks act slutty on facebook. Its just the nature of this platform. BTW, she mwah'ed me on my wall about two hours ago and im not even into her. Does your mum have facebook?"

And its not just the guys that are misguided into thinking I give a shit - Dont get me started on the sententious girls. And some are conniving as well. Lets forget about the horrible bitches in my mwah generation post. I'm talking about the girls who act all confused like Bella from twilight. She deserves a slap, and you deserve two because you are not a fictional character from the mind of an insane Mormon writer. They say you cant have your cake and eat. I say - have your cake. Stuff your face with it. but have one at a time. Dont lead some poor sap on. its just a vicious cycle really. Dont play two guys against each other as well. If you make it into a competition, all you become is a little prize. Stop being a bloody trinket!

Some people have this laugh reflex. They'l make themselves vulnerable by taking a leap and telling someone how they feel, and after they get shot down they retort..."aah just kidding, lol!" and kinda brush it off. I'm not like that. i can understand why people would do that - you struck out and you want to salvage what you had before. But once you cross that line you cant take it back. Sure, the other person might laugh it off but in their heart they know that the playing field has shifted slightly. This however is a generalisation. Sometimes friendships are actually strengthened. Not all the time, but sometimes.

I dont know why we complicate shit. Just be true to each other and see what happens. But what do I know, i'm just the guy giving shitty advice :)


I have set up a formspring account because monkey see monkey do, so swing by and ask me shit.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Mwah Generation

I'm sick of the 'mwah' generation.

I really am.

Maybe i'm getting too old. But ive never ROFL'ed or LMAO. I dont feel the need to distinguish my laughter into different categories of intensity. LOL works just fine, and if its just mildly amusing i just :). And in a bid to one up, theres all these new laughing acronyms - this guy told me the other day that he ROTFGFITADOAL - I was like, what the hell is that, and he's like 'Rolled On The Floor, Got Fingered in the ass, died of Aids laughing'.

How do I respond to that? apart from deleting his dumb ass. And ive been doing alot of that recently. Call me fickle or jaded but I just cant stand this mwah generation.

Ive been having alot of incidents with bitchy chicks as well. Young, messed up bitches - heres one of the conversations - I'm not hiding the name - I dont care. This chick asked me if I had a girlfriend and then after that said she has someone for me. Lets pick it up from here.

Mary January 8 at 11:22pm

Okay I lied I dont know her but I heard from someone, a good friend of mine, who knows this girls friend that she has a big crush on u. She worked at the souk 2009 a few days I think at the islamic exibition. My friend and I think she is a little bit of a loser, but u can see, she is so old and has braces yeuch!. Im doing this as a joke, but we want to see her reaction when she finds out. (*EDIT* 'I removed The Chicks name and the chicks number - no benefit in mentioning this - Dont mention me she doesnt know me! Lmao let us know!

Mary January 8 at 11:23pm

Reply a.s.a.p

Mj Khan January 8 at 11:40pm

That is cruel and i'd like no part in it. Slm

Mary January 8 at 11:48pm Report

Its not. Really.

Mary January 9 at 11:19am Report

Okay the loser and joke and old comments im sorry for but thats just our opinion. Shes about your age with glasses and braces, it is a little strange? The rest is all true.

Mj Khan January 9 at 3:45pm

it is a cruel and malicious thing to do . to anyone.

Mary January 9 at 4:30pm Report

To do what? I apologized. Im not doing anything anymore. I just thought u should know.

Mary January 9 at 4:32pm Report

And anyway she would never have known, so its not like being cruel to her face. Anyway

Mj Khan January 9 at 4:42pm

you dont get it, do you. its not whether she knows or not. its the principle of the matter.

i have no time for childish games.

...And shes not the only one. I have at least five different experiences dealing with these bitchy teenage girls.

Maybe I am too old, but if someone tells me 'sup' every three minutes on mxit, I will delete them. I call them the mwah generation because after everything they say, they insert a mwah. mwah this and mwah that - its bloody irritating. Mxit Conversations sometimes go like this

MJ is online

qtpie786-zn : sup mwah
MJ : reading a book
qtpie786-zn : what book mwah
MJ : Its about how tobacco was the catalyst for a global economic system
qtpie786-zn : O ok, sup?
MJ : I just told you what im doing. What are you doing?
qtpie786-zn : lib
MJ : Cool. didnt know youre into reading too
qtpie786-zn : huh
qtpie786-zn : Oh no. Im lying in Bed. mwah
MJ : Do you end every sentence with a mwah?
qtpie786-zn : No I dont
MJ : I'm off. slms
qtpie786-zn : OK mwah

MJ is offline.

And its not just the girls - all these guys are doing it too. They'l meet someone and its 'ASL Mwah? OK - so you covering age (thats important - you dont want to chat up a 15 year old girl) you got sex (I think the S stands for sex? you dont want to chat up another guy) and youve got location (whats the point of chatting up a chick in Mozambique - youre not looking for friendship - you want action) The MWAH could be helpful too - Married? Widowed? Available? Horny? I need the married filter - because three quarter of the chicks in my 'net' or hunting ground are married, and contrary to what your mummy might have told you - MJ does not break homes.

And another thing - stop bloody passing off other peoples shit as your own. Its a douche thing to do. Sometimes i'd see a status update and I know that person ripped it off from the net. Its ok to use quotes and stuff - but dont take credit for it. And im not being pretentious here or anything - ive always been a stickler for referencing. Dont pass off other peoples stuff as your own.

This is getting a little long, so i'l stop now and pick this up another time.

So to all those materialistic, bad grammar, superfluous bitches out there - Grow up. The world is bigger than you. Stop being so consumed with yourself and try to make the world a better place.

I'm too old for this shit


feel free to add stuff.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Some Thoughts on Humpty Dumpty

For some reason I was thinking about Humpty Dumpty tonight. Now ive dealt with my own interpretations of nursery rhymes before and humpty in all his clumsy glory has come up, but tonight I was thinking about it from another angle

Just out of curiosity - who would have been able to put Humpty Dumpty together again? The Kings men and the Kings Horses failed epically - but who would have been able to help? The Doctor, The Chef, The Builder? Humpty was doomed the moment he got on that bloody wall.

Which begs the question - Why did Humpty get on the wall in the first place? Was he feeling suicidal? Was he looking for attention? Was he protesting? What was his intention?

Perhaps Humpty read the Majlis and found out that his mother was from the Rainbow farm, and not certified halaal and this shocked him and he committed suicide?

Another theory could be that Humpty grew tired of the 'which came first' philosophical question (obviously its the Chicken but I wouldnt want to argue with a large anthropomorphic egg) and decided to make a statement of sorts.

Eggs are notorious for turning rotten so perhaps Humpty was just being a bit rebellious and he balanced on the wall in his James Dean Jeans and t shirt. Rebel without a gauze.

Maybe he met Neo who told him that the world is a computer programme designed to fool us. Just maybe, 'there is no wall'? Next time you'l take the blue pill.

But enough about Humpty - All the kings horses and all the kings men were there to help him. All of them? How many men does it take to put an egg together? Were there no wars? or Security concerns or anything like that? And what were the horses supposed to do? If anything, i'd imagine they'd make matter worse. Hooves and all that. You might say - hang on MJ, youre being a bit silly, horses are there for transport. And while I consider this entire exercise to be pointless and would agree with you... then why mention the horse? I mean - in modern times we wouldnt say All the kings porsches and all the Kings men, now would we?

I like the idea that even though all the incompetent men were there, they still couldnt put Humpty together again. It reminds me that sometimes we cant repair whats broken, we cant just pick up the pieces and make it whole again. Sure we can try. And we must try. But sometimes we have to wipe the yolk off the concrete and move on.


P.S - Horses cant fix shit

Wall 1 - Humpty 0

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Notorious 15 Rand Podcast

This is my first radio show - totally winged it - had no idea what I was goign to speak about until I walked into the studio and found a Souk Entertainment pamphlet - but thats how I roll :D

I havent edited the nasheeds out because I love love love Zamilooni - my favourite Nasheed and it makes me feel very romantic and fuzzy and happy and stuff :)

Dont forget to listen out for the crazy chick that goes on about R15. My show is an hour .. err, not that those two are related in anyway.

Hardly any callers - perhaps because it was my first show - but I promise the next podcast will have lots of people calling in as anonymous and bitching (subsequently it was a follow up show to this one :)


You can download the podcast from here or if you like - here it is

Friday, January 08, 2010

My First Podcast

One of my radio shows on Radio al Ansaar - I have a weekly slot on a local Community radio station - There is no theme per se - I just talk crap for an hour. Sometimes I get hardly any calls... and sometimes the phone does not stop ringing. Let me know if you guys want me to upload more shows.

This show was about facebook.

(and yeah - so now you guys know what I sound like)


p.s - you can download it from this site - ive compressed it so its really tiny.