Monday, August 26, 2013

MSA Gala Jokes

I was invited to perform stand-up comedy at the MSA Gala Dinner this weekend. It is odd being called a stand up comedian. Not a title I'm used to. Slightly older audience than I expected but I gave it a shot. Here is some of my material from the event. Let me know what you think.

Asalaam u alaikum. My name is MJ Khan. Some of you may know me from my blogs or twitter account, although I suspect more of you may have seen me at spur. Not that I work there – but… (gestures to tummy).

I have been part of the MSA during my studies and now support it from the periphery. I see some of the old guard sitting in the audience tonight. The Muslim seniors association.

Before I begin, I would like to address clapping. I tweeted Mufti Menk last night and asked him to follow back if clapping at an event was haraam (not permissible). He didn’t so Alhumdulillah, its all good. 

But that’s the thing about Mufti Menk. Mufti Menk does not follow back. He doesn’t 'follow Friday' , he doesn’t Retweet, he doesn't 'hashtag thank allah its jumuah', Nothing!

 But imagine if Mufti Menk did follow you on twitter? 

It will put a stop to all subtweeting, random tweets swearing the aunty that cut the line at woolies and will eliminate selfies by 40 percent.  

I love social media (its what I do for a living) and I love how we interact on twitter and facebook and what have you. But there is a line! And that line is crossed whenever some guy instagrams himself in the act of qurbani.  I urge you my brothers; don’t instagram your qurbani. 'Aint nobody got time fo that'. 

Picture this, the sheep is on the ground, takbeer is resounding through the air, you’re holding the knife and have made your niyyat. Youre supposed to be reflecting on the essence of Abraham's sacrifice and connecting with your lord but instead, you’re like "riaaz, check my goney, dala the thing on lo-fi LO-FI. Hashtag selfi".

I see some of the older people are looking at me strangely. Lo-fi is a filter or camera effect that people use to replicate the best lighting location for taking a self portrait (illustrates taking a selfie) . That is (pause), a toilet. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m looking forward to eid. Its my favourite Eid. After eid ul fitr. 

Speaking of eid ul fitr. I have a shawal beard. Its like a Ramadan beard, but for lazy people.  Sadly, it has not improved my cricket (makes batting gesture)

Who is your favourite South African muslim role model? South African so Zayn Malik doesnt count!

(someone in the front row said Hashim Amla)

Give a round of applause for hashim amla. I love hashim. What a fantastic role model for the muslim youth. 

(rattled of some of my Hashim Amla Jokes - 'if hashim played soccer etc)

Speaking of jumuah, This week I went to the Marlboro musjid. By a show of hands, how many of you have been to the Marlboro musjid. Now im not going to say they have a space problem, but you know your musjid is cramped when the saffs are so small, you don’t know whether youre reading jumuah or janazah salaat. Some brothers take the shoulder to shoulder thing too seriously. Sometimes I feel like I am on mastersaff (acts as a judge who is checking if there is a fist-space between feet).  

We need to address the gap issue in the musjid. Some Musalees are too optimistic. there was a space the size of a miswak in front of me. So the uncle next to me motioned for me to fill the gap. ‘Now brother, im not sure whether you think that I’m a transformer or something, but theres no way that i’m going to plug that gap. I am a fully grown man, not poly-filla.

And it got me thinking. Imagine if we had more taxi drivers who converted to islam. We wouldn’t have any gaps in the safs anymore. Moment, there is a gap, the taxi driver will move forward.

I get happy when Muslim brothers diversify. But I think the Halaal bodies are taking it too far. Certifying water. Milk and toothpicks!  Why do you need to certify toothpicks?

 Soon they are going to start certifying chandeliers. (points to chandelier in hall). This one will be haram!

but on the other hand, we have brothers who are diversifying the Ummah. Brothers like the majlis.

Majlis hates everyone equally
 Hashim amla. Riaad Moosa. Zain bhikha. Shaikh Saadullah. You!

The one thing majlis hates more than everyone is banks. Standard bank. Fnb. Absa. Beep bank. (takes out a copy of the majlis) All banks deal with RIBA and are haraam. Then lower down on the same page 'for subscription, please deposit 360 rands into savings account'!