Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Concerning Doubts

Reading Istikharah scares me sometimes.

I want to have faith. But I also want to have my way. These two seem to be mutually exclusive sometimes.

I want to have doubts, because doubt itself is a sign. A little doubt tells me that I need to work harder.

I usually read istikharah when I sit for itikaf. I'm at my most peaceful and content then. When I'm sitting alone in the musjid after the two old guys have gone to sleep.

The problem with istikharah (or rather my experiences with it) is that when I get a sign I tend to obsess a little and I convince myself that that is the way forward. I lose all rational thought. But then again - I dont read when the problem is rational anyway.

I dont feel like publishing this

Friday, June 19, 2009

Concerning Hangers

Why do guys at the traffic lights sell plastic hangers and refuse bags?


Who was the person who told them that this was lucrative?

How many of you guys actually bought hangers from someone at the robot?

I dont know whether these guys are really selling hangers or if its a ploy to get us to give them money because we feel guilty and say 'at least he is trying to earn an honest wage'.

I dont think I will ever be driving through town, searching for a guy that sells hangers.

Not a day did I ever have this thought..... 'I just got this tuxedo from the cleaners, I wish someone would sell me a hanger so that it doesnt crease. Oh Lord would you please send someone with hangers to my car window'.

List of things I buy from People standing at the traffic Light

  • Litchies
  • Ice Cream
  • Slings
  • Roses
  • China Guavas
  • Coca Cola
List of things I dont buy from People standing at the traffic light

  • Sex
  • Hangers
  • Black Bags

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Theory of Luv

I'm doing a bad impersonation of Killa here and as you will probably realise - I kind of lose the plot halfway - all this stereotyped mutterings isnt for me, but boy do I want that hundred rand voucher so I can buy this months FHM, NAG and Mad magazine. Maybe i'l get some porn as well. But honestly - who buys porn anymore when you have access to tons of it on the net. Thats like buying water. Its been a while since ive bought porn - last time I looked at a porn mag was 1998 I think. Maybe i'l buy Hamishs book. I'm just kidding. I'm not going to be in the top three. Top twenty yes, but top three - Naah. Sorry Killa my buddy - i'l put effort into your next competition :)...


I bumped into Firoza da other day. real piece i tell you. But she doesnt know it. Just how I like them. Not one of those uptight sandton bitches who lead you on and fantasize about Shahid kapoor when they close their eyes to kiss you.

We live in the same sections but I only bump into her at Gunston. First time checking her at The Zone, I nodded in her general direction and chuned 'wakkind salams' as I quickly scanned her trolley for incriminating artifacts. Condoms, Tiger balm, bananas.

'Not much' she giggled in that shy girl way. By shy girl I mean the type who will send bra pics on mxit but will cut off their faces so you cant use it against them. Not that im complaining. Just another deposit for joebanker if you catch my drift.

'Buckled yet?' I asked, seeing that her trolley was more boring than an Ireland Kenya test match.

'Insha Allah', she giggled as she swayed her head slightly to the left, like she was trying to get some water out of her ears. 'I met someone recently, you might know him. Youre his friend on facebook'.Yusuf Nanabhai.

'Lukka', I chuned, planning my Scofield escape. no point chatting to this chick if she off the market. Before I could make up an excuse she started giving me her whole life story. How he poked her on facebook, sent her a message saying 'pretty profile pic wanna be friends?' what! I dont even know this benchod. The only reason I accepted his invite is because his bru and I used to play ball in Matric.

But thats the problem with facebook and mxit. Its too easy to find someone. No challenge anymore. How can you love someone over the internet? I like how the cavemen did it. Hit the stekkie over the head with a club and drag her to your cave. This new age virtual luv thing dont work for me. I'm old school. So I went next door to Uncle Pats house and asked him what he thought luv was. This ballie is always drunk so I dont know when he isnt talking shit. His vrou says its when he tells her he loves her, but I check him confusing the post box for her and serenading it when he is drunk so i Dont know about that.

He reckons Love is like a poem you give your dragon that make her weak for you. Ya, but im Killa, I dont write poetry...

so he taught me one easy trick. Just take normal songs and change the tune slightly. Drunk ballie.

So he started singing one chutney number and then all of a sudden he screamed, 'Rasha you bitch, come ere, come ere, I got one love poem for you.

Rasha, you can cut the bloody poodina later, come ere I want to sing for you

L is for your laddoos I can see
O is ow you make me so orny
V is very very, vanakum ow you cherry
E is for err, your mother never raised you right. get this lightie some Juice.

Drunk Ballie.

So i went to visit Uncle Bhai Gora and check if he had an answer for me. 'Yah bah, he said as he eased himself into his TV room chair. Luv is waking up one morning, looking at the Begum that your parents arranged for you and saying 'This is better than that Gora chick who works at Standard Bank'. 'Yah bah', he said, 'Thats luv, when you start believing that shit'.

So what do you guys think luv is?


Monday, June 15, 2009


I have been thinking alot about marriage recently.

I think 27 is a good age for me to get married. Thats a few months away.

I wouldnt want a long drawn out engagement. Sure i'l need a few months to figure out whether we are compatible or not, but I dont want to spend two years with an engagement watch that i'l keep in my pocket everytime i walk through town.

Ive always thought of myself as an easy going guy, but as I type this I see that i'm a bit more fussy than I first realised. With that in mind - heres my checklist for what I want in a wife.

  • She must be a Muslim. I'm not really into the whole 'people of the book' stuff.
  • She must not smoke
  • I dont like bullets for this post - makes everything seem so abrupt
She can work if she wants to, or if she wants me to be the sole breadwinner, I am comfortable with that. In fact - I would prefer if she worked a bit at first. It will be hard in this current economic climate to live a comfortable lifestyle on one salary. However, when we have kids I would like her to cut back her hours so that she can be there for them. I wouldnt want my child to be raised by someone else but then again - this all depends on the circumstances at the time.

She must dress modestly in public. Mini skirts are a no no. She can walk naked in the house, and even wear those long flowy dresses with the big slits and what not. But not in public.

Hijab (or rather - the headscarf...hijab is a bit misleading I think because for me it encompasses modesty in its totality) is a personal thing and it'l be up to her whether she wants to wear a scarf or not.

She must be educated. A tertiary education. I need someone I can have a conversation with. About politics, current affairs, interpretation and movies.

She must not be materialistic. I will provide for her to the best of my ability, and I will try my hardest to make sure that she is never short of anything she desires, but I will not kill myself and take out a loan so that she can have a forty thousand rand coat.

She must not like Cre Cola.

I want someone who will accompany me when I go for lectures or meetings or slideshows and stuff.

I will be JunaidMammoo for her nieces and nephews and treat them like my own, so I expect her to be the same for mine.

She must be wild in the bedroom. This is very very important for me.

She must know that she is my sakeenah and the coolness of my eyes.

I want someone who will strengthen my iman. Who will guide me when I need guidance, who will remind me when I need reminding, and who will join me when im praying.

I think im quite romantic so i wouldnt want anyone cold and uncaring.

She must have a sense of humour. Its important. A 'No worries' attitude is also great - but I have enough of that for both of us.

I dont know whether I can love someone who listens to RnB.

I'm definitely going to add to this post.


Friday, June 12, 2009

Concerning Kheer

I've always been fascinated by the 'Got Milk' campaign and its use of Celebrities in promoting Milk consumption. So I figure - we should have a similar campaign for our community - but 'Got Dood' wouldnt work, so I settled on 'Got Kheer?' Kheer is a rice pudding for those not familiar with Indo/Pak cuisine.

I'm going to dedicate this one to Noorjehaan. Lets see how many of these 'Celebs' you can identify


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Concerning Domains

I'd like to get my own url like Saaleha/Zoe/Killa/Nafisa but im not too sure what I should register it as.

Ideally I'd like but a balding Texan beat me to it.

So these are available - what do you guys think?

I wouldnt want to have because thats a bit too limiting.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Concerning Bob Marley

Last year I did a parody blog and re imagined what Yusuf Islams songs would sound like after he converted to Islam. Today I'l do the same with Bob Marleys stuff. If it does sound a bit weird its because I have kept the original tune. So basically you should sing this like a Rasta. Ya Man, it all be Aiiry

Buffalo Soldier

Bukhari Sharief, Hadith masta:
There was a Bukhari Sharief in the heart of Arabia,
Coming from Bukhara, brought to Medinah,
Fighting for the sunnah, fighting gainst the biddah.

I mean it, when I analyze the chain -
To me it makes a lot of sense:
How the Hadith Masta wrote the Bukhari Sharief,
Coming from Bukhara, brought to Medinah,
Fighting for the sunnah, fighting gainst the biddah.

No, Women, no Cry

No, Nikkah, no pie;
No, Nikkah, no pie;
No, Nikkah, no pie;
No, Nikkah, no pie;

Said - said - said: I remember when we used to pray
In the main hall in Orient school,
Oba - obaserving the hijabis
As they would mingle with the ghair mahrams from grade 12.4.
Good intentions we had, oh, good intentions weve lost
Along the way.
If you want to fornicate, you can forget jannah;
So no more zinnah, I seh.

Waiting in Vain

I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal;
I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal.
From the very first time I stood up in taraweeh
My hunger was put on hold.
But I know, now, that 29 days have gone,
But the night sky is so fine:
So get Cape Town dialling on the phone,
cause I cant see this alone.
So New moon take my heed;
I wanna know if tomorrow is Eid.
I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal;
I dont wanna wait in vain for Shawal.


Check out OH's new blog and let him know if you agree with his ratings. I agree with one.