Friday, August 27, 2010

What If The Lion King is about Inception?

I think Rafiki used inception to plant the idea in Simba's head that he must take back Pride Rock. Allow me to illustrate using stills from the movie.


Concerning Rotis

In case you haven't heard of the King Khan


The original comic is from cyanide and happiness. All I have done (like my other cyanide and mj comics) is change the text.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

When Computicket buys the rights to Taraweeh

Key to Pricing structure

Red - Imam
Light Blue - Category 1
Yellow - Chair Area (for Grumpy old Men and Men in their 30's with 'soccer injuries')
Shitty Green - Category 4 - Haleem Burpers
Purple - Category 2 - Air-conditioning optimum
Dark Blue - Category 3 - Close to water tanks
Green - Category 4 - Lots of noisy kids sitting on mxit


Friday, August 20, 2010

Concerning Blackberries

So i've been playing around with my Blackberry for a few days and I think I should write a bit about it. Good to capture the thoughts and all that. Also, I did some research before settling on it so this might help people who are undecided.

Ive been an early adopter with Cell C, having taken out a contract with them in their first month, and while I don't really consider myself brand loyal I'm 'familiar' with the brand so I just kinda stuck around and hoped they would improve (its like many married folk - they don't really love their partners anymore but are comfortable with them so they stick around). However, when Blackberry's became all the rage again, I couldn't help but feel left out (Cell C opted to ignore 3G and concentrate on increasing its market share with lower lsm's (i.e poor people) so I started thinking about jumping ship to either MTN, or Vodacom (seriously, who ports to Virgin?) MTN was cheaper, but they converted their free minutes into airtime which is bullshit because instead of getting a 100 free minutes I would have been getting a 100 rand worth of airtime which is like 42 minutes. Vodacom was a bit pricey, offering the Blackberry with a hundred anytime minutes for R340. Luckily Cell C realised that they were alienating a percentage of their client base (i.e MJ) and decided to roll out Blackberry contracts three weeks ago. And its a pretty decent deal too - I have an entry level Blackberry (the 8520) with the BIS service, CLI and a hundred anytime minutes for 199 a month. Sweet. Cell C'c reception is crap in my area, but it doesn't matter because they allow you to use Vodacoms towers. So what I have is Vodacom signal with Cell C's rates - cue Hannah Montana's 'Best of both worlds'.

As for the phone itself, its hard to even call it a phone. Its more like a portable networking tool that allows you to make calls. I'm thrilled that I can look up random shit on wikipedia and not worry about being charged a crazy fee at the end of the month. That's what I do whenever I'm bored - I look up weird shit on wikipedia. I havent tried the more sordid sites. Ask me again in three weeks.

Its all quite overwhelming at first, getting all your e-mails,twitter and fb notifications, mms's and sms's in one place. but the more I get used to it, the more I love the interface. The actual FB app is rather crap, but you can use fb mobile through the browser so that's pretty cool. Twitter is way better though, and makes for a welcome change from the original. The browser is a bit crap and I feel that Opera Mini is better when it comes to reading text. For some reason the BB browser doesn't optimise the display for the screen like Opera Mini does. So I often have to scroll from side to side as I read each line - annoying.

BBM (Blackberry Messenger) is great, and I dont see myself logging into mxit ever again. I need to get used to the keyboard though as im pretty sure it was designed for small Japanese ladies - my thumbs are too fat. I don't know how the Big Show would be able to use one of these things. As I play with it, I start discovering new things and it reminds me of video games I used to play when I was younger, and the sense of achievement I got when I discovered something. Like for example - I thought it was dumb that I had to hold Alt and pres M to get a full stop. Then I discovered that you hit the spacebar twice and voila. I shouldn't say voila. It sounds gay. Eureka! Less gay, but a more gay image in my head of naked man running through streets. Dammit!

The phone is not without its flaws though - I wont pick on stuff like Flash etc because the top end models come with it. Its just that i'm so used to having stuff on Nokia. Little things like the voice that calls out peoples names when they call. I really like that. Sure, theres an app you can download on the bb that will do this but the catch is that it will only work on Vibrate mode. Then theres the whole vibrate thing as well. On Nokias (and most other phones) you get vibrate and tone at the same time. On the BB, it will vibrate twice, then ring. Most of the time you tend to ignore the vibrate, or just make a mental note of it to check later (its probably two idiots fighting over something on one of my status updates) but after the second vibrate my ringtone comes on and by the time I reach for my phone it might be too late.

The other thing is that it makes you a bit too accessible. And very unsociable. I hate it when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone and they are more interested in their phone. I don't know anyone who is that important that they need to check their phone every 14 seconds in case The Swiss call them to give them a Nobel prize for being an unsociable prick. And then theres all the forwarded messages. God i hate forwarded messages. People just broadcast any crap on Blackberries, and they don't realise that they are spamming me. A very dangerous instrument of misinformation. I do like that you can copy and paste basically anything so that helps with transferring information between the various apps.

The worst thing thing about the Blackberry is its battery life. Its like having a fancy Mercedes Benz, but it only has a ten litre tank.

While I will revisit these thoughts in a month or two, for now i'm happy with my blackberry and I recommend it to anyone who dabbles in social media, who is in a long distance relationship and is very very cheap. Just like MJ.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Chamillionaire - Ridin' - MJ Style

I'm going to try and record this soon. Was fun doing it, even if the idiot who sings the original doesnt rhyme all that well. Lyrics for original. As with all my parodies, its best to sing along with the original in the background.


They see me rollin
They hatin
Iftar time they tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis

My chapatis... they so round
I'm boastin

They hopin that they gon catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis

Aunties think they can make a scene
with belans made out of stainless steel
When you see me roll i'm like a machine
Finish up in time to catch some Noeleen
Roll with some new dough, i'm not hard up
Next to the luke warm water is a bowl of oil and my rolla
Turn a lump into a Mona

Gorifoi you ain't know, I aint like Imran Vagar
Just tryin to say coriander and not dhania
spray and cook, non stick maybe
The other rollers, you know they hate me
Rotis are rolled until they are nice and round
nothing more circular can be found
none of that nonsense triangular, samoosa reject mounds

hands on the rolla, I'm grippin oak
pressures on and kneading slow
Twist and twistin like hit this dough
its nearing maghrib and I gots to go

frying pans on the oils a warming
The aroma is fluffy, nazr is swarming
my skills are like muralis bowlin
Got proposals in every town except Dundee but I'm still ain't rollin



Friday, August 13, 2010

Concerning Engagements

I've been thinking a lot about engagements and weddings, so I thought I'd just collect some of my thoughts here. This is a disclaimer of sorts because whatever I list below applies to me only. You must do what makes you happy.

I'm not a fan of long drawn out engagements. i don't know how some people can be engaged for like three years. that shit doesn't work for me.

Actually, I don't really see a point in engagements. Unless its for the families to meet or something like that. I'm doing the whole proposal/ engagement in one. Its like Pantene 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner. None of that rinse and repeat nonsense.

Who came up with this bullshit notion that the girls family must wait for two weeks before giving an answer? Thats ridiculous. Are they waiting for a full moon to check that he isnt a werewolf or something? Why is it always two weeks?

So theres this customary practise of having the prospective couple sit on a couch at the engagement and stuff their face with sweetmeats. Yeah... i'm going to pass on that. Its silly, awkward and insensitive to your gorifoi who has diabetes and cant sample the chana maguj. Replace that with a supper/ braai and i'm happy.

Another thing I dont get is the table reserved for 'koonchas' (gifts from the couples families). Its like the father saying 'this is my daughters worth'.. a 4 kilo block of burfee shaped like a carriage, a tray of ferrerro's and a fist full of 100 rand notes shaped like swans and fans. I dont have an issue with gifts that guests bring - I like them, because they are covered. Its not for show. None of that clear plastic wrap nonsense. I like my dried fruit, but whats the point if its skewered onto the faraway tree and is covered in glitter? I'd be so much happier if they just leave it in the bag it came in. Practicality > Presentation.

At the wedding, I want to stand at the door with my wife and greet everyone as they come in. This means two things -firstly - the nikkah has to take place before, and secondly, I get to walk in with my wife.

I don't want a three tiered wedding cake that looks like Minis Tirith from the Lord of the Rings which will be chucked away faster than those see-through bags people keep the toothpicks, wet wipes and mint in. What a waste. I'd rather have three cupcakes. Sure, we'l look like complete tossers if we try cutting it, but who cares - take that establishment!

Whats with 'giving the qiraat responsibilities to your eleven year old cousin whose voice hasnt broken'? I dont want someone who sounds like Justin Bieber reciting surah Nur at my ceremony.

There has to be coke at my wedding. No compromise on this one.

For seating, there will be a mens side, ladies side and a family side acting as a buffer in the middle. Folks can choose which they are comfortable with. When I go to weddings i like the mens side. Away from those annoying kids.

You know whats great to have with tea? Those mini doughnuts with cinnamon and chocolate sauce. I'm going to hire two or three of those Dinky Doughnut mobile stands and have them making fresh dougnuts for our guests.

I'm not going to have a qawali night unless they find a way to bring back Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan from the dead. I'm also replacing mendhi night with call of Duty night, and the bachelors party with a weekend in Drakensburg with the friends ala Mo Raiman.

Thats it for now - will update the list as I think of more stuff during taraweeh tonight. Dont forget to check out my 'Inappropriate Wedding day Tweets' if you havent already.


Gorifoi, put down that doughnut!

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Concerning Treachery

In 1929, Belgian artist, Rene Magritte painted a picture of a pipe and wrote "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" under it, which is French for 'this is not a pipe'. The point he was making is that the painting wasnt a pipe, but rather an image of a pipe. I thought about this when I saw this weeks cover of Time magazine. This is an image of Islam. Do we change the image? Or do we change the situation? I am not referring to Aisha, who is clearly the victim here. But she isnt the only victim. Islam is also a victim, held hostage by men who think that mutilating a womens face is divine justice. I dont like being reductionist, and ive read some of the opinions around this image (check out Muslimah Media watch's roundtable) and Gopal's piece in the Guardian.

Yes, the Americans have destroyed the region in their pointless nine year war, but its not like this shit wasnt happening before 9/11. Honour killings isnt a 21st century phenomenon. Its easy to blame. The invaders deserve to be blamed. but that doesnt leave the warlords blameless.

Women were treated like second class citizens during the reign of the Taliban. Things are changing, but theres a price to this change. Just because it doesn't make headlines anymore, (like Iraq) doesnt mean there isnt a war happening right now. We dont know what war is, because we haven't lived through it. Its hard to imagine suffering of others, when I am so displaced from it.

So after jumuah, we'l have this long dua in English, and the imam, in a gluttonous arab accent will start rattling off the names of some of the hotspots (never one of the African countries where Muslims are also being killed) "Afggghanistaan, Shishaan, kushmeer, Iraaqk, Filisteen", and i keep saying aameen, but its so insincere because i'm so detached from these places.

On a final note, some small church in America, is having a 'burn the quran day' event. Yes, this upsets me, but we need to respond maturely and rationally. This is a trap meant to incite muslims. I checked out the fb group last night, and was sad to see some of the Muslim responses to it. Some jackass said 'Fuck off Jesus, Islam is the greatest'. This is kufr. We revere Jesus (pbuh) as a messenger of God.

The new trend is to see 'Islam' as a cult, and not a religion. We need to address this. We need to educate people. We need to change the image. But first, we must change ourselves.


The words are 'This is not a hookah'. Inside joke for Muslim media students.