Monday, October 29, 2007

Concerning Hoaxes

Please note that this is a double posting purely for creating an awareness. Please visit our News Site for more crazy stories

Welcome back to Concerning News Network with your host, MJ Khan. As we reflect on the bloodshed and destruction that has engulfed the world in the past two weeks, tonight we uncover the events leading up to what has tragically been referred to as the 'Coke Jihad'. We now cross over live to our field reporter, 'has-been' Bollywood star Kareena Kapoor who is one of the few survivors of the land which used to be known as India until last Wednesday.

MJ: Kareena, a population of over a billion people have been wiped out by the nuclear blast over Delhi last week, how many survivors are there?

Kareena: MJ, the scenes here are harrowing, I am currently standing next to the Ganges river in a land which was called Varanasi, and while the river is still as polluted as it was last month, there are now high levels of radioactive waste mixing with the ashes and raw sewage. This scene reminds me of my poor Shaheer. India will never bear another son like him.

MJ: Kareena, How did this war start?

Kareena: The war started a month ago when some individuals from a Danish terrorist group called Citizens opposed Killing Economies sent a hoax e-mail out in protest of the economic boycotts that some Muslim countries have placed on Danish products following the 'prophet Muhammed cartoon saga' in September 2005. The e-mail included a fake Coca Cola print advertisement which incensed the 1.6 billion Muslim population. This led to the burning of embassies, as well as wide scale riots in Mombasa, London, Chechnya and Houston Texas. A critical point in the saga was Monday when well known actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie was assassinated during an AIDS awareness concert in India. This led to nuclear retaliation by America.

MJ: Can you describe the hoax advert to the viewers. Is this the first time that Coke was used to incite a particular religious or ethnic group?

Kareena: No Mj, this is not the first time that Coca-Cola was used in a malicious campaign. However, this is the first time that is was the cause of such tragedy - how i miss my little Sha-hee. The mock up print advert that was circulated had a page of the Quran on it (the quran is the Muslims holy scripture) but a sentence was modified and instead of it saying 'Kuloo nafsi Thaaikatul Maut' (Every soul shall have a taste of death), it read Kiloo Nafsi thaaikatul Coke (Every soul shall have a taste of coke)

MJ: We at Concerning News Network refuse to screen the offensive advert, as we value our muslim viewers (and our t.v studios) however, due to our vigorous defense of freedom of expression we will show the last hoax e-mail

MJ 'Claims' Khan


Saturday, October 27, 2007

Concerning Signs

In the second episode of Prison Break (season 3) there is a moment when the camera gets a flash of the arabic letters Kaaf Faa Raa ('Kaafir') which means 'disbeliever' in Arabic. It isn't a derogative term, but merely is used to describe a person who is not a Muslim. I find it strange to be there though - I mean, here is a country with less than 140 000 Muslims, so I doubt Arabic would be spray painted everywhere, especially on a wall in Sona. I'm the first person to be wary of 'reductionist conspiracy theories' but the funny thing I thought of when I saw it was a hadith of the Prophet (S.A.W)

"No prophet was sent but that he warned his followers against the one-eyed liar (Ad-Dajjal). Beware! He is blind in one eye, and your Lord is not so, and there will be written between his (Ad-Dajjal's) eyes (the word) Kafir (that is, disbeliever)"

[Hadith - Bukhari 9.245, Narrated Anas] (this Hadith is also quoted by Abu Huraira and Ibn 'Abbas).
I also thought of Tameem al Daari's (R.A) story:
“So we rushed to the monastery, where we saw the most enormous man we had ever seen, fettered with the most chains we had ever seen.” (Narrated by Muslim, no. 5235).
Ok, so maybe someone just put it in there for ambiance, Allah knows Best
Watch Superbad - it rocks
MJ is hungry - he feels for nandos chicken strips and rice
Does anyone have any Chappelle for me?
Listening to the latest Evanescence album (the one with Lithium) I prefer the previous album - this one isn't that great

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Concerning Zombies

Mj was flipping through a local GAME paper this afternoon (we recently bought a dvd recorder and its so frikken awesome - it plays all my divx files) but the only problem with the player is that it is in the TV room, which doesnt help MJ much (MJ likes to be on his bed when he watches tv wink wink and all that shit) Dad said that GAME has a special on the LG recorder which has a a hard drive as well - useful for recording crap that you may not necessarily want to waste a dvd on - err, like that shit they replaced 8 simple rules with. Couldn't find the recorder, but I did make some interesting discoveries. First off - they had a PS2 marked at R2100 with 4 FREE games. This kinda got me a little angry - its blatant lying - the games aren't free - its part of the cost, so why advertise it as four free games! That's like me selling a combo 3 at Steers and saying that you get free chips and a drink yet charging thirty rand. I think I'll call them up tomorrow - I need compensation for this - a back rub would be nice.
The other thing I saw was a 9 minute Marinate machine. i understand that with the current hustle and bustle that accompanies modern living, and the Mcdonalisation of time has pushed us towards being more time efficient (whether it is quick dry nail polish, or two minute noodles or shorter video games or whatever) but some things should not be streamlined - marinaded meat being one of them. perhaps this is a stupid point (but hell be damned if i buy a 600 rand machine so that I can have a spontaneous braai - this is why you always have marinaded meat refrigerated.) Meat should be marinaded over night (still figuring out whether its marinated or marinaded but its late so forgive me)
My cousin is getting engaged tomorrow, at the expense of the World Cup, so maybe my Green Shirt and Gold Tie might illustrate my mood (if I had a green shirt and gold tie mind you) But the good thing about the engagement, apart from relatives chiding me for my lack of spouse (Dad and I were discussing marriage today over lunch and I said that I don't want an engagement, he seemed to be happy - guess its because he got out of something he had to pay for) is that I get to have conversations with old ladies who cant speak English, but nod approvingly when you tell them that you might have caught syphilis from the chick you hooked up with at the drive in.
Today was a great day as I saw so many of my awesome friends - bumped into Joe and her healthy friend at Milky Lane. Usurped Joe for about half an hour, which was pretty mean as her friend is going to Budapest for a few months and was scraping a few hours with her (I'm sure they'll poke each other or something once in a while) After that I went shopping with another friend, and finally had a pancake with mum and sharks.
Watched two movies with my new movie crew tonight - First off - Resident evil Extinction - hmm, its one of those shows were you go in with expectations, and it delivered - just that, nothing more, nothing less. Which in a way is comforting because it gives it a dependable consistency. 28 Weeks later was a much better Zombie movie (first movie I've seen where the zombies run like Habana) Strangely though, I think it would make an awesome date movie, but i guess only psycho chicks would want to watch it with me. I missed Jill Valentine, although Claire made up for it. Also watched School for Scoundrels with that guy from Bad Santa and the other chap from that Napolean Dynamite movie - not bad but the laughs were a bit too far between each other. I'm hoping Mr Woodcock will fare better.
Well, I'm off to watch the first few episodes of Smallville season 7 - don't worry, I won't give away any spoilers.
Here's to biltong, boobs and good times

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Concerning Bestsellers

i've always wondered what the Islamic position on the Da vinci code was. Since I had some time last week, I decided to research it. Googled it today and i only found one article which collaborates my theory ( That there is a possibility that Jesus married) Dr Siddiqi (who is the president of the Fiqh council of North America) writes that 'there is nothing wrong, from the Islamic point of view, if he were married and had children'. He the quotes surah Hud
We did send Messengers before thee, and appointed for them wives and children: and it was never the part of a Messenger to bring a Sign except as Allah permitted (or commanded). For each period is a Book (revealed)) (Hud 13:38).
I also found a hadith in Tirmidhi where the Prophet (pbuh) has stated- " 4 things were the practise of all the ambiya (a.S). Modesty, applying perfume, brushing the teeth and marrying"
From here we can see that cleanliness played a big role (no one will listen to a messenger with halitosis or body odour) but also that it was the sunnah of ALL the ambiya to get married.
However, all of this does not make up for the fact that the book wasn't that great and the writing was too formulaic.

Concerning Nur

Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth,
The parable of His Light is as if there were a niche,
And within it a Lamp: The Lamp enclosed in Glass; The glass
as it were a brilliant star;
Lit from a blessed Tree, An Olive, neither of the East nor of the West,
Whose oil is well-nigh luminous, though fire scarce touched it;
Light upon Light!Allah doth set forth parables for men: and Allah doth
know all things.
24:35 Al Nur (The Light) Yusuf Ali's translation
I love this particular Ayat of the quran, and I know that many of the bloggers love it as well ( Zesty and Noor come to mind) and while Ibn Kathirs tafseer is quite good ( I believe he captures it better than Makki). Maududis interpretation was also quite good, but I still believe that the best explanation was given by Sheikh Abd al-Qadir al-Jilani in his book Secret of secrets.
The Sheikh says " The meaning of the niche is the faithful heart of the believer. The lamp enlightening the niche of the heart is the essence of the heart, while the light that it sheds is the divine secret, the sultan-soul. The glass is transparent and does not keep the light within, but protects it and allows it to spread, which is why it is likened to a star. The source of the light is a divine tree. that tree is the state of unity reaching out with its branches and its roots, inculcating the principles of faith, communicating without any intermediary in the language of purity.
There is much more written about this ayat, and I particularly enjoy Moulana Fazl ur Rahman Ansaris allegory of it, but perhaps we can get into that another time because its is 4 a.m and I am teaching at 9, so best i log off and sleep.

Concerning Istikhara 2

Just thought i'd put this up quickly, because many of us would like to read Istikhara but are not sure of the method - its really quite simple, and should be used for any big decision that you might need to make - I have to admit that its quite scary though.

Istikhara is a two rakat nafl salaat that you read after Esha salaat (assuming you are like most people and sleep at night)

In the first rakaat, after surah Faatiha, you read surah Kaafiroon
In the second rakaat, after surah Faatiha, you read surah Ikhlaas

After Salaam you read Durood Shareef 11 times. Then say

Allahuma inni astakhiruka be'ilmeka wa astaqderua be qudrateka wa as' aloka min fadlekal azeem-e fa 'innaka taqdero wa laa aqdero wa ta' lamo wa la a' lamo wa Anta Allamulghuyub-e, Allahuma in kunta ta' lamo anna HAZAL-AMRA* Khayrul-li fi dini wa ma'ashi wa aqibate amri faqdirho li thumma barik li fehe wa in kunta ta' lamo anna HAZAL-AMRA shamul-li fi dini wa ma' ashi wa 'aqibat-e amri faqdiro li wa yassirho li thumma barik li fehe wa in kunta ta' lamo anna hazal-amro sharrul li fi dini wa ma' ashi wa aqibat-e amri fa asrifho 'anni wasrifni anho waqdi-lil-khayra haitho kana thumma ardeni beh
* When reciting the invocation one reaches the word HAZAL-AMRA it is necessary to mention the purpose of which the istikhara is being done - so it could be stuff like
Is this job i'm going to take good for me or will they fire my ass
Is this person right for me
Xbox or Ps3
Blue Mazda or Red Toyota - whatever you want
after this, read durood shareef a further 11 times. Then Don't talk to anyone - this includes gtalk, facebook, mxit, sms xbox live, smoke signals, phone calls, interpersonal communication - all this stuff.
Make Whudu (provided you broke your previous whudu by dealing a wet raspy fart)
Sleep on a ritually clean bed (one without cum stains or the pms girl stuff)
place your face towards the qiblah ( you gonna have to figure this one out for yourself)
When you wake, you should act upon whatever has been placed in your heart - if it isnt clear on the first day, or if you want to confirm it, you should continue the Istikhara for 3, 5, or 7 days max - and Insha Allah, you will recieve clarity.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Concerning Jewels

Just watched The Jewel of The Nile again – I remember watching it as a wee lad and enjoying the fact that there were muslims on the telly ( this was way before 9/11) but the beauty of listening to an old song, or watching an old movie again is that while there still is the nostalgic factor, there is also this new layer of meaning that you bring to the text. I remember thinking the world about some movies, but when I watched them again at an older age, I realized that it was just a phase. Some movies however are timeless – ‘Robin Hood Men in tights’ comes to mind. I sometimes think about my favourite song – ‘Bring me to Life’, be Evanescence – when I first heard it, all those years ago, it captured what I wanted at that time in my life – years later, and the feeling has not changed.

I love certain Hindi songs – I don’t understand any of them, but some are full of emotions that need no translation. But coming to the Jewel of the Nile, watching it now, twenty years after its release, I can clearly see what Professor Laury Silvers alluded to in her talk “Sufis, Sufism and the war on terror”. In the movie, the American couple has to rescue the Sufi Sheikh (Jauhara) from the clutches of the evil Arab Dictator (complete with the trademark Saddam moustache). In the Rand report, released recently, one of the points outlined was that Sufis are among the potential allies with America against its war with what it terms ‘fundamentalist Islam’. If anyone is keen to read similar stuff about Islam and the media pre 9/11, the best Ive read is Kellners article, from Reagan to Rambo’ which he wrote in 1995.

On a totally different note – because of the rain, there was no outdoor Eid gah in Springfield this year, which kinda saddened me, as I love an outdoor Eid Gah. On the positive side, it meant that I could go to my favourite musjid for the Eid Gah (Westville top mosque) and while Fuzails talk was really good – he spoke about the prophets prediction during the farewell Hajj that we will all be disunited because of doctrinal interpretations – It is so clear today – whether it is Sectarian violence in Iraq, the bombing in Ajmer, or the girl in Bloem who asked me whether I’m tablighi or sunni when I asked her if there is a Jamaat Khana in the area. The talk was great, the Salaatus Salaam was beautiful, but I really missed the trademark Moulana Younus Patel Eid Duaah – and it seems like he is keeping with the times because last year I remember in his dua, he said, “Oh Allah, please press the delete button on our sins”, so I wonder what he’s gonna say for Eid ul Adha – possible lame suggestions could be

Oh Allah, please accept my friend invite on Facebook (can you imagine if God had a facebook profile – all his ‘Top Friends’ would be the Ambiya, Saahaba, Awliya, - heck, people are dying just to get on that list.) I wonder if there will be an ‘Iblees is a Wanker’ group (that’s a blog on its own, and I’m glad facebook removed the other one) And if God poked you, it would be like a reminder to read Salaat. He could have an album called ‘Stuff I made’ and it would be all those National Geographic pictures of nature. Man – if I was more talented at Photoshop, I would so make a page for this (mind you, I wouldn’t put up a profile picture – just some calligraphy or something) I can see it now – Favourite Books – Torah, Injeel, Zaboor, Quran, Lord of the Rings. Activities – Running the Universe.

Oh Allah, please do not delete me of your mxit contact list.

Oh Allah, please do not let Shaitaan spam me with his evil

Oh Allah, please make my connection to you stronger, Yaa Allah, only you can give me broadband access to your Rahmaa. I sin so much and my Imaan is so weak that I don’t even have Dial up to you oh Allah.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Concerning Hair Conditioner

Just so you guys know where I was for the past ten days -

I present MTV (Muslim Television) CRIBS!

MJ: Hey Man, check it out vato - welcome to my crib esse. Check out the fine sleeping bag on the floor - smooth zip up interior, black lining.

check out my 'blingage' on the pillow - cos that's how i roll , dawg!

As you can see, only designer threads in my wardrobe.

I aint got no fridge man - but maybe next year insha allah - we keepling it real homie -

I take you to the house of the Allah
i let you sleep on the musalla
keep going till you make tauba
other wise you totally FUBAR