Saturday, October 07, 2006

Lord Of The Rings - Halaal version

Written by MJ Khan
Three years into the caliphate of Sami Yusuf, the cruel Shaitaan Sauron plotted against Muslims. Muslims were growing progressively weaker after the passing of the Rightly Guided Leaders. Sauron, sensing this vulnerability of the Ummah, made a ring, and in it he poured all his malice and evil, in an attempt to ensnare all the practicing Muslims on earth. Sauron grew stronger as Muslims weakened, but finally in the great alliance of Zain Bhikha, Sauron was defeated. However, the ring of Sauron was not destroyed, and what was fact, turned to legend. And legend had turned to myth, and for one thousand years, everyone had forgotten about the ring of evil. During this time, Europe stepped out of the dark ages, and with its progresses in technology, science and hedonistic consumerism, Sauron was able to regain his strength and started searching for his ring.Unknown to Sauron, Hafez Suleiman Nafsi unearthed the ring during one of his whirling dervish exercises. Not knowing its value, he called his Sheik, Buzrook Gandalf for spiritual guidance (and hopefully some monetary remuneration – rich sufi’s are a dying breed) Hazrath Gandalf, upon seeing the ring, screamed out Naoozubillah and snatched the ring from his ignorant mureed. He had to have a Mashurah with all the different ulema bodies and Muslim NGO’s. But first, he had to stop at Hobbitton for the annual Jalsa that his friend Bilbo Baggins threw. After all, he realized that you can’t save the world on an empty stomach, and the thought of tasting Bilbo’s world famous Dholl and rice filled his heart with warmth. This is where our story begins…
Hazrath Gandalf, rode his white steed Musafir, swiftly across the vast fields and paddocks of Hobbiton. It has been exactly a year since he saw his good friend Bilbo Baggins. Gandalf reflected affectionately, on their many adventures, defeating the Templars, conquering Constantinople and Spain. ‘Aah Good Memories’, thought Gandalf. Gandalf was going to be the guest of honour at Bilbo’s annual jalsa and Meelad. Even this great Honour could not suppress the burden he felt in his heart, nor could it lighten the weight he carried in his woolen pocket. ‘ Why didn’t I just go to a Daarool Uloom, instead of being self taught’, thought Gandalf. ‘That way I could have spent my time byhearting lectures by Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi instead of knowing about the significance of this cursed ring’. Not even the thought of the sweet cold Khier ( rice pudding) at Bilbo’s function, could make could brighten his spirits.The familiar yet captivating Athaan of Pippen welcomed Gandalf into Bag End. As he rode in, he saw Sam, the gardener making whudu at a rusty tap outside of Bag End.

‘Asalaamu Ailakum Ya Akhi’, a voice bellowed in the distance. Out waddled a stout man, not larger than five feet tall – Hobbits were well known for their diminutive nature. ‘ Wa Alaikumusalaam Buzrook’ hollered Gandalf, as the two embraced. ‘Hope the Journey went well my brother?’ asked Bilbo? Sorry for not waiting for you – I had to deal with some 'people of the book' in my backyard’. ‘No problem Hazrath’ beamed Gandalf, ‘did you ask them to show you where exactly in the bible they talk about the trinity?’ ‘Why do you think I took so long’ replied Bilbo, with a gleam in his eye. ‘I dare say you have met my nephew Frodo, Gandalf? Good boy – gets all his Salaah on time, he kept all his fasts this year as well. He protects his modesty…. Aah good boy akhi, good boy, Masha Allah’. Gandalf motioned towards the Jamaat Khana and said, let us perform our Asr, I have important news to discuss.After the Fardh Salaat, Gandalf sat with Bilbo and explained everything. Frodo entered the room and smiled. ‘Frodo my son – get Uncle Gandalf and I some bhajjias and murkhoo. Good boy Good Boy, Masha Allah’. ‘You see Bilbo Saahib’, I have to tell the other Muslims – this is big news, bigger than that Moon sighting dilemma we had three years ago, bigger than that hajj Scandal too’. ‘I remember that’, piped Bilbo, ‘those stupid dwarves insisting we had to fast thirty days because they didn’t believe the elves saw the moon. No unity, no unity’ said Bilbo, shaking his head frantically. ‘Well’, said Gandalf, ‘I intend to leave tomorrow after Fajr Insha Allah’, I still have to find Moulana Aragorn first, last I heard he was making Ziyyarut in Verulam, visiting the house of Sheik Deedat’. ‘Aah Deedat, good boy, good boy – Masha Allah’ said Bilbo. ‘ Why don’t you take Frodo and his friends’ said Bilbo. ‘Let them do some Da’wah for a change. Jihad has been ordained on them’. ‘Then it is done’ proclaimed Gandalf, Tomorrow we make haste for the fourth holiest site in Islam, after Makkah, Medinah, Al Aqsa. Tomorrow we make haste for Rivendell.

It seems that even though the various Ulema bodies cannot come to a consensus, regarding media and communications, they all have the latest in cellular technology, and everyone arrived in Rivendell timeously, except the dwarves, who stopped to read Zuhr but spent forty minutes trying to gauge which way was Qibla. As the name-calling began, we take our place at the entrance of the halka. Muslims of all different denominations start streaming in. The elvish Muslims from the Great woods, dwarves from Moriastaan, Sufi’s from all over Middle Earth. An entourage of men from Gondoristaan. Unfortunately it seems like no one bothered to inform the Shiaa’s. Each group huddled into little camps. The Great Woods elves started reciting some Islamic Rap, much to the dismay of the dwarves, who muttered ‘Bidaat, bidaat’ beneath their breath. A splinter group of men sat in the corner and whipped out their tasbees and started reading Zikr. It appears that they didn’t want to get involved in these affairs. The meeting commenced with the arrival of Moulana Aragorn and Moulana Elrond…
Elrond : Asaalamu alaikum to all that have come in. I know many of you have traveled great distances to join us in this Mubaruk Istima to exalt the oneness of Allah.
Boromir : Alhumdulillah
Gandalf : Actually we are here to discuss the Ring of Sauron, and to decide what to do with it. The ring is filled with fitnah- we have to destroy it
Elrond : Right Right brother Gandalf, the Istima is next weekend Insh Allah. I forgot that Easter is next weekend. Maaf
Mufti Gimli : There is no such ring, we do not believe in all this superstition and hocus pocus. I have not come across it in any of the Hadith Kitaabs, neither has it been mentioned by our great scholars of Islam
Moulana Aragorn : That is because the Ring was created after the time of the sahaba. You haven’t read about it because you only read books from the Indo – Pak region Mufti
Boromir : Astaghfirulah
Mufti Gimli : And what do you know AragornSahib? You’re beard is not even the Waajib fist length! Do not pollute my ears with your shirk.
Legolas : That Dawg is wack, aint no brudda gonna get ahead. Aight. Don’t worry Aragorn – the Nation of Elves, we got your back, word up to your mazhab
Boromir : Subhanallah
Mufti Gimli : Why are you imitating the Kuffar you ignorant elves. Allah’s wrath be on you. You don’t even have a beard. WaNaaoozubillah. And pull your pants up. We can all see your underwear. Have you no modesty. And your pants are below your ankles, fold them! And your long long hair – like women. Disgusting!
Legolas : Yo Dawg – The prophet has long hair. And speaking about women – where are all our sisters tonight. Why aren’t they here at the meeting? No Hijabbis in the hizzy?
Mufti Gimli : A women’s place is in the home
Moulana Aragorn : That isn’t true. Women were at the forefront of Islam during the prophet’s time you backward dwarf!
Mufti Gimli : Fat Lot you can say Aragorn. Running around with Elronds daughter, without Nikkah – probably fornicating. Astagfirullah – Allah’s curse on you.
Gandalf : Brothers, keep your personal issues at bay, we have to decide what to do with this ring. We have just learnt that Saruman the wise is in cahoots with Sauron
Boromir : Astaghfirullah
Mufti Gimli : Saruman! That zionist! I never trusted that one.
Legolas : Does that Boromir say anything else? That crackers vocab is lacking dawg
Aragorn : Gimli, How can Saruman be a Zionist – There is no Israel in Middle Earth
Gandalf : ENOUGH!! We need to destroy this ring
Boromir : Insha Allah
Elrond : Cant we read Ayatul Kursi and blow on it or something?
Gandalf : It can only be destroyed at the place where it was made. We have to travel to Mordor, passing treacherous lands, until we reach the fiery Crack of Doom where we shall thrust it.
Legolas : Sounds Whack
Gimli : The Elf has a point. Best if we send those four Hobbits to destroy it. Allah will protect them
Gandalf : They are too young to undertake this journey- we shall accompany them, besides, if its in my taqdeer to fall into a chasm in some abandoned mine shaft, so be it. Allahu Alam
And so the Fellowship departed from Rivendell, to destroy the ring. Stay Tuned for part two


Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

stunning read!


anticipating part two.

bb_aisha said...

you've outdone urself. too cool, Masha Allah. i was laughing so hard yet wanting to cry at the thght that this is how we truly are.

Junaid- u got me to leave a comment!finally ur obsession with lord of the rings has been put to some use

Anonymous said...

Awesome read I love it :)
And finally your take on LOTR is heard yet the underlying meaning I feel is more than you letting on.
LOve it and LOL

J said...

MJ...this is why hang with you :)
Boy, you have outdone yourself. I don't think you could ever reach such a pinnacle again. Everything that you write after this will, like Robbie Fowler, never live up to your early greatness. :) I'm playing with you, you'll surprise us and write a goddamn near-perfect thesis...words escape me now, so you'll see a lotta ":)"s and "lol"s...
OK, here goes:

My Favourite Things: Or How Much I Loved The Ameer of the Rings :)

1. Hafez Suleiman finding the ring in a whirling dervish exercise. Lol, it made me laugh a bit too loudly. I have such a funny image in my head...

2. Buzrook Gandalf. :) Classic.

3. Hazrath Gandalf screaming out Naoozubillah...

4. Muslim NGOs. Hehe.

5. Bilbo's annual jalsa. Somehow, I see children with cardboard letters spelling out "Ramadaan." :)

6. "Why didn't I just go to a Darul Uloom, instead of being self-taught" :) :) Still laugh at that, even now.

7. Khier...yum

8. Sam making wudhu at a rusty tap...these are gems, MJ, gems I tell you...

9. Bilbo's description of Frodo..."Good boy – gets all his Salaah on time, he kept all his fasts this year as well. He protects his modesty…. Aah good boy" lol you've turned the hobbits into Grey street uncles :)

10. the moon-sighting dilemma "those stupid dwarves insisting we had to fast thirty days because they didn’t believe the elves saw the moon." and the Hajj scandal...:)

11. "I still have to find Moulana Aragorn first, last I heard he was making Ziyyarut in Verulam." Even in Middle-earth one cannot escape Verulam...:)

12. Azaadville, one of the holiest
islamic site?!! :)

13. The ulema bodies not being able to "come to consensus" about media but having the latest technology...

14. The dwarves trying to find Qibla. :):) I can see it in my mind, short confused men pointing in different directions, lol. Cute.

15. "The Great Woods elves started reciting some Islamic Rap." I keep seeing the WAMY stage in my head...:) and the dwarves muttering under their breaths...:)

16. "...whipped out their tasbeehs" cool expression, lol. I'm gonna think of this every time i read...:)

17. "Elrond : Right Right brother Gandalf, the Istima is next weekend Insh Allah. I forgot that Easter is next weekend. Maaf" Can't forget about Easter...

18. Mufti Gimli's indo-pak accent. Poor thing. I like him :)

19. Moulana Aragorn to Mufti Gimli :"you only read books form the Indo – Pak region" Hilarious. I have some of those at home, I understand. :)

20. "Gimli: You’re beard is not even the Waajib fist length!"

21. Legolas with an African-American accent. That's dope, man. :)

22.Legolas says "word up to your mahzab." and Boromir says, "Subhanallah" LOL:)

23. Mufti(!) Gimli's description of Legolas. Sounds like Three 6 Mafia :)

24. "No Hijabbis in the hizzy?" cute!

25. Legolas calling Boromir a cracker, hehehe. Crack-ass cracker.:)

26. And Boromir "lacking" vocab...

27. Elrond's "Can't we read Ayatul Kursi and blow on it or something?" :) :) my favourite line! Why didn't they think of that in the original Lord of the Ring books/films?!! Vying all the way to Mordor for nothing, ekse...Like Dew, I would've done the same...:)

28. "Gandalf: If its in my taqdeer to fall into a chasm in some abandoned mine shaft, so be it." lol prophetic...

Well, I loved the whole thing. I'll probably be back with more notes; it's the sort of piece that keeps revealing things with each reading...

Btw, in part two, will we see the Nazgul? They're my faves, even though I had heart palpitations when I saw them in the film:)Can't wait to see Gollum too...
In the words of Robert de Niro in Analyse That, "'re good, you!":) Your Lord of the Ring appropriations makes you one cool mo' fo' in my eyes...:)

M Junaid said...

Jo - since you took so much time to highlight what made you chuckle, i'm gonna dedicate this comment to you. my favourite line is "unfortunately it seems like no one bothered to inform the Shiaa’s". Its gonna be hard writing a part two to this thing - my inspiration for it comes from two places - reading Hamzah Moin's piece - ( Muslim Students Association at Hogwarts) and watching the MTV Parody of th council of elrond
here is the link to Hamzah's article
p.s- for legolas - i was imagining achoo from robin hood -men in tights

J said...

oh, i forgot to add that line! Lol.. Ok, we'll make it number 29.

I can't remember Achoo, but I just saw Isaac Hayes/Shaft/Chris Rock in my head.

Don't worry about part two too much, the thesis is most important right now...:)

Can you believe, you're fasting and your brain can produce such brain (in fasting mode) is only capable of writing stuff of the Huis Genoot-calibre :)

cellardoor said...

did u really write that between magrib and Esha???
when's part 2???

BTW - has any1 read about the ring of prophet Suliman - now thats wicked!!!

M Junaid said...

Yeah- wrote it in about half an hour - as i said - it kinda played out in my head after maghrib. well. i'l start part two after i've finished thesis. i need to write a hundred pages- right now i'm on line twelve. can you send me the link to the story

qdee said...

rivetting ;)

cellardoor said...


i don't have any real links where u can read the whole story, i basically borrowed a book from a m8, see link

Hasina Suliman said...

Brilliant :)

M Junaid said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
rah* said...


This is completely delightful. I've got tears in my eyes. Man, I'm such a Tolkien whore, my obsession with it is possibly haraam ;/

Waseem said...

Damn that was funny, post of the millenium (sorry only read it now, i dont read archives).

Waseem bows to MJs greatness