I shouldnt have to write this blog

I shouldn't have to ask grown men to be quiet during the khutbah.

There shouldn't be empty shoe racks while sandals and sneakers are scattered all over the floor

There shouldn't have to be six signs in the whudu khana reminding us not to waste water

There shouldn't be 46 inch flat screens when the Muezzin doesnt have decent shoes

There shouldn't be people who stand and leave immediately after salaam, walking out with their hands outstretched like they're carrying water, just so that they can avoid the rush. If the dua was so 'heavy', why not wait till its completed?

The toilets shouldn't be filthy and flooded

The Ladies facilities shouldn't resemble a prison cell. We shouldn't think we are doing them a favour when we 'let them pray'.

I shouldn't have to write this blog

This is not me being pretentious or holier than thou. This is me being despondent.

MJ

Concerning Pulp Fiction - MJ Style

This is a disclaimer of sorts. While I never use profanity when writing a 'MJ halaal parody", I felt that if I didn't include it in this piece, it would detract from the tone and style of it. So if you're offended by profanity, I do not suggest you read this piece.

If you're still with me - Enjoy :)


INT. '86 COROLLA (MOVING) - MORNING
An old gas guzzling, dirty, white 1986 Toyota Corolla barrels down a noisy street in Overport. In the front seat are two middle age fellas -- one white, one black -- both wearing cheap white kurtaahs with knitted topis and waistcoats. Their names are VINCENT VEGA (white) and JULES WINNFIELD
(black). Jules is behind the wheel.

JULES
okay now, tell me about this chicken saga?

VINCENT
What do you want to know?

JULES
Well, they say its haraam now, right?

VINCENT
Well, the majlis says its haraam, and so do the 'scholars of truth which is basically the majlis. but so does Mufti Elias.


JULES
I don’t get it. Why are they saying its haraam?


VINCENT
It breaks down like this: the majlis claim the cutting is haraam, the conditions that
they are kept in is haraam, and even if the slaughterers made
zabah correctly, it doesn't really matter 'cause – get a load of this -- they say the chickens are dead before they even get slaughtered because of the electrocution and shit.

JULES
That did it, man -- I'm fuckin' moving to azaadville.

VINCENT
You'll dig it man. But you know what the funniest thing about Joburg is?


JULES
What?

VINCENT
It's the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here, they got there, but there it’s a little differences

JULES
Examples?

VINCENT
Well, in Pretoria, you can buy that dry choria crap you like anywhere. And I don't mean in these corner shops and superettes either. I'm talking about garages and checkers and shit. Also, you know what they call foosball in joburg?

JULES
They don't call it table soccer?

VINCENT
No, they got Lenasia there, they’ve got some other weird name for it.

JULES
What'd they call it?

VINCENT
Tata Box.

JULES
(repeating)
Tata Box. What'd they call a Sparkport?

VINCENT
A sparkport’s a sparkport, but they prefer akhalwayas

JULES
What do they call the Subway Melt?

VINCENT
I dunno, I couldn’t find a halaal subway. But you know what they call Simba chips over there?

JULES
What?

VINCENT
Crisps

JULES
Goddamn!

VINCENT
I hear them sayin it. And I don’t mean just the little kids. Everyone!

JULES
Uurgh!


CUT TO:
INT. (TRUNK) - MORNING 3.

The trunk Chevy OPENS UP, Jules and Vincent reach inside, taking out two large miswaks, swinging them around like baseball bats


JULES
We should have rocks for this kind of deal.

VINCENT
Why? Are we dealing with shaitaans or adulterers or something? How many up there?

JULES
Three or four.

VINCENT
Counting our guy?

JULES
I'm not sure.

VINCENT
So there could be five guys up
there?

JULES
It's possible.

VINCENT
We should have fuckin' boulders.

They CLOSE the trunk.

CUT TO:

4. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING COURTYARD - MORNING 4.

Vincent and Jules, walk through a block of flats.

We TRACK alongside.

VINCENT
Will we be finished after zuhr? I have to take Marsellus’s wife out for
Ramadan shopping.

JULES
Mia?

VINCENT
Yeah, well how many does he have?

JULES
Best you watch your tongue, and your ass. Mr Wallace is very possessive of his Mia

VINCENT
It’s not a date, I’m just taking her to buy her Ramadan supplies.
Pastries and shit


JULES
You remember Antwan Rockamora? Half-sunni, half-tablighi, usta call him Tony Ghusht Salaami.

VINCENT
Yeah maybe, smelled like rose water yeah?

JULES
I wouldn't go so far as to identify him by a distinctive smell. What's the nigger gonna do, he likes meelads.

VINCENT
I think I know who you mean, what about him?

JULES
Well, Marsellus fucked his ass up good. And word around the zikr circle, it was on account of Marsellus Wallace's wife.

The elevator arrives, the men step inside.

6. INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING 6.

VINCENT
Hold up, I don’t want to make gheebat.

JULES
Well fuck you then, just be extra cautious today that’s all. No need to be tasting that Eid milk.

7. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - MORNING 7.

STEADICAM in front of Jules and Vincent as they make a beeline down the hall.
They knock on the door

8. INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING 8.

THREE YOUNG GUYS, obviously in over their heads, sit at a table with burgers, chips (not crisps) and cold drink laid out.

One of them flips the LOUD BOLT on the door, opening it to REVEAL Jules and Vincent in the hallway.

JULES
Salaams kids.

The two men stroll inside.

Vincent and Jules take in the place, with their hands in their pockets. Jules is the one who does the talking.

JULES
How you boys doin'?

No answer.

JULES
(to Brett)
Am I trippin', or did no one teach you adab?.

BRETT
We're doin' okay.

As Jules and Brett talk, Vincent moves behind the young Guys.

JULES
Do you know who we are?

Brett shakes his head: "No."

JULES
We're associates of Grand Mufti Marsellus Wallace. You do remember meeting MuftiSaab when you moved into this neighbourhood don’t you?

No answer.

JULES
(to Brett)
Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Brett, right?

BRETT
I'm Brett.

JULES
I thought so. Well, you remember Mufti Marsellus Wallace, dont'ya Brett?

BRETT
I remember him.

JULES
Good. Looks like me and Vincent caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha havin'?

BRETT
BURGERS.

JULES
Burgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda burgers?

BRETT
Cheeseburgers.

JULES
No, I mean where did you get'em? Jolly Grubber, mochachos, Copper Chimney, where?

BRETT
Purple Burger.

JULES
Purple Burger. That's that new burger joint next to caminettos. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

BRETT
They're good.

JULES
Mind if I try one of yours?

BRETT
No.

JULES
Yours is this one, right?

BRETT
Yeah.

Jules grabs the burgern pauses to say bismillah and takes a bite of it.

JULES
Uuummmm, this is a tasty burger.
(to Vincent)
Vincent, you ever try a Purple Burger?

VINCENT
No.

Jules holds out the burger.

JULES
You wanna bite, they're real good.

VINCENT
I ain't hungry.

JULES
Well, if you like burgers give 'em a try sometime. Me, I can't usually eat 'em 'cause my wife is from India. Which pretty much means I have to eat bhaaji and curry and shit, but I sure love the taste of a good burger.

(he points to a fast
food drink cup)
What's in this?

BRETT
Coke.

JULES
Coke, good, better not be fucking with me and telling me its coke when its crerars. Id kill a motherfucker if he made me drink crerars. Mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

BRETT
Sure.

Jules grabs the cup. Sits down and takes a sip.

JULES
alhumdulillah. hit's the spot! Now when you moved to this neighbourhood you made a promise to Mufti Wallace that you would not peddle any narcotics. Word on the street is that you have not kept to your word. Do you know what an Amaanat is Brett?

BRETT
(to Jules)
Look, what's your name? I got his name's Vincent, but what's yours?

JULES
My name's Zabr, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta your qabr.

BRETT
I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between us and Mufti Wallace. We promised him we wouldn’t be selling drugs, it was a mistake. A one time slip.

As Brett talks, Jules takes out his miswak and beats Roger over the head.

Brett is shocked

JULES
(to Brett)
Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your Concentration? What did the Mufti say about dealing cocaine?

Brett still can't speak.


JULES
What madhab you from!

BRETT
(petrified)
Jee?

JULES
"Jee" ain't no madhab I know! Do they speak Arabic in "Jee?"

BRETT
(near heart attack)
Jee?

JULES
Arabic-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?

BRETT
Na’aam.

JULES
Then you understand what I'm sayin'?

BRETT
Na’aam.

JULES
So what did the Mufti tell you about selling cocaine

BRETT
(out of fear)
Jee?

Jules takes his miswak and swings it once

JULES
Say "jee" again! C'mon, say "jee" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "jee" one more goddamn time!

Brett is regressing on the spot.

JULES
Now describe to me what Mufti Wallace looks like

Brett does his best.

BRETT
Well he's ...he's...black --

JULES
-- go on!

BRETT
...and he… he has a .. beard --

JULES
-- did you give him mahr?!

BRETT
(without thinking)
huh?

Jules' eyes go to Vincent, Vincent smirks, Jules rolls his eyes and hits Brett across the face

Brett SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the
chair.

JULES
Did you give him Mahr?!

BRETT
(in agony)
No.

JULES
Then why you try to fuck 'im like you did?!

BRETT
(in spasm)
I didn't.

Now in a lower voice.

JULES
Yes ya did Brett. Yes you did. You ever read the Quraan, Brett?

BRETT
(in spasm)
Yes.

JULES
There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: surah nisaa ayats 105 to 106.

“We have sent down to thee the Book in truth, that thou mightest judge between men, as guided by God: so be not (used) as an advocate by those who betray their trust; But seek the forgiveness of God; for God is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.”.

BUT I AM NOT!

The two men beat Brett with their miswaaks.

MJ

Concerning Johannesburg

I dont think I can live without my pc.

The xbox has been packed for days now, the wii for months (I think the wii knew I was moving to Johannesburg before I did) along with my tops, books and clean underwear. But I have yet to unplug my pc.

Its not like im working on a cure for the Aids virus or anything, and my blackberry does a decent job of retrieving my e-mail, but I love my pc.

If television is a window to the world, then a pc is a cobblestone pathway you can use to explore that world. Sure, you occasionally get malicious creatures who use that pathway to shit on your lawn (we call them viruses) but theres a conversation happening. Even now, as you read this, we are engaging on some level, and thats what fascinates me about new media. I was looking at TV's today, and theres a whole bunch of new ones that allow you to tweet using the TV. Thats a bit silly, but the option alone indicates that theres a perceived market for this. I was going through the 40 inch models (Tv's, not hamish sized people) and the salesperson came up to me and said "I know you'd like a few more inches" and instinctively I thought, "Thats what she said", but after that I was like "Does makro have a cctv in my shower?" I'm not sure if that would be good entertainment though - All I do is sing Taylor Swifts 'Love Story' and that 'you and me baby aint nothing but mammals' song really loudly.

I wouldnt want my tv to tweet every time I watch something. Its embarrassing if people knew how often I watch Superbad.

As I pack, I realise what a hoarder I am. I have a room full of stuff, but very little that I actually want to take. My life fits in 8 little cardboard boxes.

I'm anxious about moving. Often people will use the word anxious when they mean eager, and while I am eager, i'm also a little scared. You cant pack everything into a sunlight soap box (I dont know where Fayaz found them) But I am MJ Khan, and that means i'm always optimistic so i'm hoping the anxiety is purely due to how far all the food places are in Johannesburg.

I have this perception of Jozi (Its too early for me to refer to it as Jozi) one that is so often contradicted by friends I have made through the blogosphere, but it refuses to melt. I guess we are so used to the familiar, that its hard to change.

Two years ago I had a job interview at UJ, and while I love the campus (more specifically, the Communication and Media Studies department) I never thought I would leave Durban. And I dont think I would have now either, if it werent for Corpsekicker (insert brownie points here)

This week I take my second step, and while i'm a little scared, i'm also very excited. I guess the point of this blog is to inform all my Johannesburg friends that I am available for supper every weekday and there's no need to take out the good china. I'm interested in your food, and your mummy, not your crockery.

Everyone is welcome to my place for supper. I cannot assemble the tv unit on my own. Bring a coke and a screwdriver :)

MJ

p.s *I used the word Johannesburg five times in this post.

p.p.s *So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel

Concerning Bacon

I wanted to try and do an 'arrivals style video blog (but a parody of course) This is my first attempt at using movie maker and at making a video. Let me know what you think.

The New Pork Order
MJ Khan

Tonight i reveal the truth concerning the Illuminati's greatest weapon against the Ummah

The new Pork Order, has its roots in 18th Century France when Queen Marie Antoinette famously said, 'Let them eat cake'. The thought of eating a gelatin laden confectionery enraged the Muslim minority who up till then, comprised mostly of respectable soccer players, who would never swear their coach during a world cup game.

Having realised the power of psychological manipulation, the Elders of Bacon conspired to ensure that Pork be at the forefront of the war against Muslims.

They did this by creating a body called the South African National Ham association whose job it was to make sure that every product that is created contains Pig.

from soft drinks like Fanta where pigs are dipped in vats of the concentrated syrups, to traces of bacon in the lithium ion batteries used by many modern electrical appliances. Even the ceramic plates of your hair straightener is contaminated with swine.

The entertainment industry is saturated to references to the pigs, a psychological battle for the control of our childrens minds.

They have even created a replacement for oxygen called hamogen.

MJ

Concerning Cement

You don't want to be the unpopped kernel lying at the bottom of the bowl.

All that salt and flavouring. And no ones going to pick you up.

Someones playing with fireworks at two in the morning. Rebelling against the night. Fighting the silence. he thinks he is a hero, everyone else thinks he is an inconsiderate prick.

The worst type of silence is when you open a bottle of coke and you realise its flat. I think the saying 'you don't appreciate what you have until its gone' was in reference to the gas in the coke.

I don't like fine print because it always sobers you up. I think its a sign that I'm maturing. Kids don't have to read fine print. Because when we are kids, a plastic bag is just one more obstacle between us and the toy. Choking Hazards..pfft.

Looking for a job is depressing. Everyone wants work experience. I have a lot of experience in lecturing, teaching and social media content and community management, and to me, its just another teaspoon of sugar in the cup of tea but no one sees it that way. Maybe I should stick to lecturing. I enjoy it. But it doesn't offer a challenge. Unless i teach Computer science in Greek or something like that. But a challenge for challenge sake is stupid. I want to try my hand at advertising full-time (I spent time at Catalyst and Oddity etc writing copy and developing strategies).

 I want someone to put me in a room. Throw a product at me and say 'You have six minutes, come up with as many ideas as you can to sell this product'. Unless its cement, then I don't want it thrown at me. It can be left by the door. Id love to sell cement. Its not like selling perfume. You dont need half naked girls on top of it. You don't need half naked butch guys either. Its not Carling Black Label.

I just need a chance I guess. I don't want to be a kernel lying at the bottom of the bowl.

MJ