Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Matrix - The Halaal Version

Ive decided to keep the original names and settings, but rather change the dialogue (OK, so Trinity doesnt go with the whole Muslim feel, but hey - its a cool name so i'm keeping it). Also, I seem to be high on Cough Syrup as everything is swirling around me so not sure if any of this will make sense :P i'l just start typing and stop when I see double.
A computer screen.
We are on-line, on MIRC, on the Islam channel.
FootNSync: I heard Morpheus has been on this board.
Sexcchik786: Morpheus doesn't even exist and the Matrix is nothing but a scare tactic that parents use to frighten their kids like Mias farm
M3 ZN: Sexcchik a/s/l mwah
Sexcchik786: Get a life M3
Conspiracy Khalid: The Matrix is a euphemism for the government.
FootNsync: No, The Matrix is the system controlling our lives.
Mo Mo: You mean Shariah?
FootNsync: No, I mean Kajoor!
Digital Molvi: Kajoor Zinbabad!!!
Neo is sitting back, munching on some murkhoo and reading the whole conversation, while shaking his head. 'Chootias', he mutters as he crunches on a particularly crispy segment.
All of a sudden a message flashes up on his screen
Do you want to know what the Matrix is, Neo?
Neo is frozen when he reads his name.
If you want to know, follow the Arafat Keffiya.
Just then someone knocks on the door. Neo thinking that its SAFACT coming to raid his house for pirated software stays quiet. A second knock jilts him slightly but then he hears a familiar voice. 'Hey Akhi, open up. Its Iqbal'.
'What do you want Iqbal?' Neo asks quite bluntly
Iqbal - 'Do you have copies of the latest Sami Yusuf Akhi? We're really into the whole meditaranean thing right now. Gonna light a hubbly bubbly and chill'
Neo - 'Twenty Rands Iqbal, but remember, this is Awakening records and not some Pakistani studio so if you get caught with it, we never met'
Iqbal - dont worry Akhi, there is no copyright in Islam, this is a Jewish concept made to make Jewish companies like Microsoft rich. Why dont you join us? We just about to put the double apple and mint mix in the hookah - my personal favourite
Neo - No thanks man, maybe another time.
Neo then sees a Palestinian Keffiya wrapped around Iqbals bicep.
Iqbal sensing that Neo is staring at the scarf - Oh This. You like it? Latest fashion in Milan I hear. Allah u Akbar.
Neo joins them and they go to the Bombay to Beirut Restaurant to smoke a hookah. At the club a lady approaches him
Trinity - Asalaam u Alaikum Neo.
Neo - Wa Alaikumus salaam. How did you know my --
Trinity - I know a lot about you. I've been wanting to meet you for some time.
Neo - Who are you?
Trinity- My name is Trinity.
Neo - Jis-Laaik!
Trinity - What?
Neo I just thought... you were a guy.
Trinity - Most guys do.
Neo is a little embarrassed.
Neo Do you want to go somewhere and talk?
Trinity - no thanks. I dont walk with strange people, and you arent my mahram. Your life is in danger Neo, there is someone I want you to meet
Trinity takes Neo to see Morpheus
INT. ROOM 1313 Across the room, a dark figure stares out the tall windows veiled with decaying lace. He turns and his smile lights up the room.
Morpheus - Salaams Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus. Please Behta. Come. Sit. Aaja.
They sit across from one another in cracked, burgundy- leather chairs.
Morpheus - I imagine, right now, you must be feeling a bit like youve just read three hundred rakaats of taraweeh. A little bit disoriented and tired?
Neo -You could say that.
Morpheus - hmm. Acha. I can see it in your eyes. Lets get into it. Do you believe in taqdeer, Neo?
Neo - No.
Morpheus - Why not?
Neo - Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Morpheus - I know exactly what you mean. As children, we do not separate the supernatural from the logical. We are told to learn only that which is given to us in our Madressah Books. Our Jusdaans represent the beggining and end of our learning. But I see that you read. You read therefore you are free Neo
Neo - Free from what?
Morpheus - From the Matrix.
Neo loocks at Morpheus's eyes but only sees a reflection of himself.
MORPHEUS Do you want to know what it is, Neo?
Neo swallows and nods his head.
Morpheus - It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from Haq.
Neo - What Haq?
Morpheus That you are a slave, Neo.
Neo - No Seriously Uncle, whats the Matrix?
Morpheus - Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.
Neo - How?
Morpheus - Hold out your hands.
Morpheus Holds two pills in his hands, a red and a blue pill.
Morpheus - This is your last chance. No going back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed with a massive erection that will go away four hours and life will continue. You take the red pill and it breaks the fast that you were in all this time.
Neo - The casings look like thay have bovine gelatin, are these pills even Sanha approved?
Morpheus - Its a matrix, A MATRIX! Just say bismillah and pop one in your mouth, I dont have all day to explain this to you. I havent read Esha yet. Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more.
Neo opens his mouth and swallows the red pill.

We then see the sequence where Neo's body is released from the pod and he awakens to see Morpheus

Morpheus - Welcome, to the Dunya. We are aboard my ship, the Musafir. It is small, and cramped, but very homely. We are on our way to Zion, the last outpost for free men.

Neo - Why do you call it Zion?

Morpheus - There used to be some Natives carried over from the previous Matrix who used to live there but we occupied the land with our superior weaponry, hence Zion

Neo - Makes sense to me.

Morpheus - Before we do anything, we have to train you. Tank, load up the Jihad training.

Neo spends the afternoon learning wrestling, archery, stone throwing as well as how to fire an AK 47.

Morpheus - Now that you are prepared, we have to see the Oracle. She will guide you

They go to see the Oracle

Neo is seen in a waiting room of some sort, surrounded by kids who have either cancer or have just returned from Umrah. He sees a little boy bending a spoon, and is fascinated by this so he leans a little closer

Spoon boy - Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

Neo - What truth?

Spoon boy - There is no spoon.

Neo - There is no spoon?

Spoon boy - Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.

Neo - Yeah, but its sunnat to eat with your fingers so I dont see why you think youre so special following the West. Astagfirullah

Neo is then led to the Oracle, who is in the kitchen busy preparing for Iftar

A Woman is huddled beside the fryer, peering inside through the starining device.

The smell of freshly fried mince samoosas colour the air

Oracle - Smell good dont they

Oracle - I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. Yar Hamakullah

Neo - Huh, why'd you say th.. [Neo then has a violent sneeze] Aachoo!

Oracle- Thats why.

Neo - How did you know?

Oracle - Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have sneezed if if I hadn't said anything?


(cough syrup is starting to kick in so i'm going to call it a night.) Stay tuned for part two (there will be a part two Great one)

So - thoughts so far?

Ive taken bits of the script from the second draft of the script and not the final script.


My dartboard said...

that is hilarious.

Aasia said...

Brliiant :0

Waseem said...

I think you create high standards for yourself, and I dont think this met the standards, while it is funny, i don't think it is sufficiently changed enough, you didnt integrate your idea fully.

I imagined Iqbal as Roman from GTA

Anonymous said...

roflmao. i love bastardizations. there used to be bastardizations on this site detonate.net years ago, check it out, it may still be there!

Legend Lives On said...



Anonymous said...

you're a legend. Thanks for always making my day brighter with your posts

Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

jumping on the praise MJ bandwagon -> excellent:)

Anonymous said...

im speechless -made my day for sure -this is why i love this blog .MJ you rock.

My dartboard said...

hey person is back. that's awesome. was just wondering where you were. JUST thought of a good post for tomorrow. mj can tell you about his bomber jacket days.

Anonymous said...

everytime i read this post i find gems that i have overlooked before . Roflmao. A classic. Can't wait for part two.

Nafisa said...

Excellent! U should publish a book of all your adapatations :) My fav is hey there jameela.