The Matrix - The Halaal Version Part Two

(This is a follow up piece to my original Matrix Parody)

A good parody is only as good as its source material, and before I start I have to say without any doubt in my mind that the Matrix Reloaded and the Revolutions are crap movies that lack the poignancy and philosophy of the first. Im not putting this disclaimer out there because i’m worried about the reception of this piece (i write because I love writing), but rather because I knowingly ignore large chunks of the movie as they hold little value to both the canon and often plot, as well as my parody of it.

When we last left Neo, he had accepted his role as the One, and started posing a real threat to the Matrix. Back at Zion, The Grand Mufti requests that Morpheus address everyone. Lets pick it up from here

Morpheus: Zion! Hear me! Testing! Testing! One two. Theres a quarter of a million people here, how are they supposed to hear me when I don’t have a microphone. Bilal, go fetch me the Azaan Mike.

One Two! One Two! AK can you’rl hear me in the back?

Ok, Ok, Bismillah. Zion! Hear Me! The machines have gathered an army, and as I speak that army is drawing nearer to our home. We are in difficult times. We must have sabr, we must prepare for the mac....ok, one second, ND 5463 please remove your vehicle as it is blocking the driveway. ND 5463 White Corrola... where was I? Oh yah yah yah, we are in difficult times my brothers and sisters. We must prepare. Some of us don’t even know how to tune our worldspace to pick up channel Islam, how will we learn how to defeat the machines betah. We must seek knowledge even if we have to go to China, because everything is made there. But I am confidant that we will be ready. Zion! We will Be ready!

Now straighten your saffs and turn your cellphones off. Bilal, make sharp with the Iqamah.



The next morning after Fajr, Neo leaves to visit the Oracle again.



The Oracle: Well, come on. I ain't gonna bite ya. Its Monday, im fasting. Come around here, and let me have a look at ya. My goodness, look at you! You turned out all right, didn't you? Is that a daffa thobe youre wearing? Very Nice. How do you feel?

Neo: I have many questions

The Oracle: Have you tried Wikipedia?

Neo: I don’t trust anything from a website anyone can edit.

The Oracle: Thats the biggest problem with Web 2.0 – anyone can edit, and everyone has an opinion

Neo: But isn’t all this freedom just another form of control? Its an illusion really, created by the machines to make us believe that we have choice. Like DSTV. 60 channels to watch but only one service provider

The Oracle: Keep going.

Neo: So what im saying is, how do I know what is real? How do i find my purpose?

The Oracle: But you already know your purpose Neo, youve seen it in your dreams. The mainframe, Go to it. You will need the Keymaker to enter. He works for the Merovingian. This French Jackass I know. Try befriending him Neo
Neo: But How?

The Oracle: I don’t know, add him on Facebook or something. He owns a Restaurant and a nightclub. Just google it and you’l find the address.

Neo, Trinity and Morpheus visit the Merovingian.

Merovingian: Aha, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself, right? And the legendary Morpheus. And Trinity of course. I have heard so much, you honour me. Please, sit, join us. This is my wife, Persephone. Something to eat? Try this new thing we have, its called Macon – all the rage. You look worried, don’t be, we have Certificate.

Neo: No, thank you.

Merovingian: Yes, of course.

Morpheus: Put some on a doggy bag for me, betah. I’l take it home, i mean.. you know why we are here?

Merovingian: Off course, its no big secret you know, This morning that idiot (points at Neo) tweeted about how he is going to get the keymaker, everybody knows why you are here. Its all cause and effect really. The Oracle calls it Taqdeer but I disagree. I prefer Causality. Let me tell you why. Lets just say its not in a persons taqdeer to have a child, but he makes Dua and his taqdeer changes and he has a son. Fifteen years later his son slaps some guy. Now, was it in that guys taqdeer to get slapped?
Now if you excuse me, I must go

Persephone: Where are you going?

Merovingian: Please, ma chérie, I've told you, we are all victims of causality. I ate that beans bunny and farted, now I must make whudu again. Cause and effect. Au revoir.

Then we have this pointless scene where Neo kisses Persephone, and they have this long drawn out highway action scene and whatnot, but eventually Neo gets to the mainframe ad meets the designer of the Matrix – an anthropomorphic programme called The Architect

Architect to Neo: Welcome, I am the Architect. I designed the Matrix. As you can see behind you, I also have DSTV with all the bouquets.

Neo: Yeah, but only one HD channel

Architect: I CREATED THE MATRIX< NOT WINDOWS FRIKKIN XP. I’M NOT BILL FRIKKIN GATES!

Neo: Why am I here?

The Architect: Well, youre the ‘One’, Shit, I thought you would know

Neo: Why am I here?

Architect: Jesus Christ, is there an echo in here? Whats with the low self esteem man? Have some zam Zam, take two Prozac, and come back next time – the power in the adjacent buildings seem to be out. Must be load shedding. Dam Eskom!

Neo: No! Why am I here?

The Architect: OK. Look, Now youre just pissing me off. I mean, first of all, what makes you so damn special anyway? You don’t even have a beard.

First you get the Hidayat
Then you get the Beard
Then you get the Hoors

Or something like that. I PVR’D Scarface on Movie Magic One. Look, if you ask me one more time about your purpose im going to get mad and throw my remote at you. Then i’l just show Seinfeld reruns and then you’l see how evil the Matrix can be. I’m supposed to give you a choice now and you must choose between saving all the humans or saving your bitch but you irritate the shit out of me so please get the hell out of my Dining room.

Neo chooses to save Trinity and then gets lost in a Subway. Trinity and Morpheus go to the Merovingian in order to get him back.


Trinity: Wheres Neo?

Merovingian: He is stuck with an Indian family at a train station
Trinity: There are Indians in the matrix?

Merovingian: Who do you think handles tech support?

Morpheus: Well, at least he isn’t hungry. Ive never seen an Indian travel without an Ice Cream container

Trinity (opening her coat to reveal a bomb strapped to her chest) Release him or we all die.

Merovingian: Suicide Bomber? How Cliched. Why do you insist on perpetuating these stereotypes. Fine Fine, i’l release your precious saviour. No need to make a mess.

At this point Neo and Trinity realise that Smith (who ive conveniently left out so far) is the biggest threat to the machines so they decide to travel to Machine City in order to negotiate a ceasefire with the Machines. The machines know that Smith will destroy the Matrix so they agree to Neo fighting him in order to preserve their order. Neo fights Smith and allows Smith to assimilate him. This allows Neo to have a massive power surge of some sort and destroy all the Smiths thereby restoring order to the Matrix. Yeah, its impossible for me to islamify this bit so I wont even try. I don’t think its a cop out, I just think this movie is weak! I would have killed of Morpheus but thats just me :P

MJ

The Matrix - The Halaal Version

Ive decided to keep the original names and settings, but rather change the dialogue (OK, so Trinity doesnt go with the whole Muslim feel, but hey - its a cool name so i'm keeping it). Also, I seem to be high on Cough Syrup as everything is swirling around me so not sure if any of this will make sense :P i'l just start typing and stop when I see double.

A computer screen.

We are on-line, on MIRC, on the Islam channel.

FootNSync: I heard Morpheus has been on this board.

Sexcchik786: Morpheus doesn't even exist and the Matrix is nothing but a scare tactic that parents use to frighten their kids like Mias farm

M3 ZN: Sexcchik a/s/l mwah

Sexcchik786: Get a life M3

Conspiracy Khalid: The Matrix is a euphemism for the government.

FootNsync: No, The Matrix is the system controlling our lives.

Mo Mo: You mean Shariah?

FootNsync: No, I mean Kajoor!

Digital Molvi: Kajoor Zinbabad!!!

Neo is sitting back, munching on some murkhoo and reading the whole conversation, while shaking his head. 'Chootias', he mutters as he crunches on a particularly crispy segment.

All of a sudden a message flashes up on his screen

Do you want to know what the Matrix is, Neo?

Neo is frozen when he reads his name.

If you want to know, follow the Arafat Keffiya.

Just then someone knocks on the door. Neo thinking that its SAFACT coming to raid his house for pirated software stays quiet. A second knock jilts him slightly but then he hears a familiar voice. 'Hey Akhi, open up. Its Iqbal'.

'What do you want Iqbal?' Neo asks quite bluntly

Iqbal - 'Do you have copies of the latest Sami Yusuf Akhi? We're really into the whole meditaranean thing right now. Gonna light a hubbly bubbly and chill'

Neo - 'Twenty Rands Iqbal, but remember, this is Awakening records and not some Pakistani studio so if you get caught with it, we never met'

Iqbal - dont worry Akhi, there is no copyright in Islam, this is a Jewish concept made to make Jewish companies like Microsoft rich. Why dont you join us? We just about to put the double apple and mint mix in the hookah - my personal favourite

Neo - No thanks man, maybe another time.

Neo then sees a Palestinian Keffiya wrapped around Iqbals bicep.

Iqbal sensing that Neo is staring at the scarf - Oh This. You like it? Latest fashion in Milan I hear. Allah u Akbar.

Neo joins them and they go to the Bombay to Beirut Restaurant to smoke a hookah. At the club a lady approaches him

Trinity - Asalaam u Alaikum Neo.

Neo - Wa Alaikumus salaam. How did you know my --

Trinity - I know a lot about you. I've been wanting to meet you for some time.

Neo - Who are you?

Trinity- My name is Trinity.

Neo - Jis-Laaik!

Trinity - What?

Neo I just thought... you were a guy.

Trinity - Most guys do.

Neo is a little embarrassed.

Neo Do you want to go somewhere and talk?

Trinity - no thanks. I dont walk with strange people, and you arent my mahram. Your life is in danger Neo, there is someone I want you to meet

Trinity takes Neo to see Morpheus

INT. ROOM 1313 Across the room, a dark figure stares out the tall windows veiled with decaying lace. He turns and his smile lights up the room.

Morpheus - Salaams Neo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus. Please Behta. Come. Sit. Aaja.

They sit across from one another in cracked, burgundy- leather chairs.

Morpheus - I imagine, right now, you must be feeling a bit like youve just read three hundred rakaats of taraweeh. A little bit disoriented and tired?

Neo -You could say that.

Morpheus - hmm. Acha. I can see it in your eyes. Lets get into it. Do you believe in taqdeer, Neo?

Neo - No.

Morpheus - Why not?

Neo - Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus - I know exactly what you mean. As children, we do not separate the supernatural from the logical. We are told to learn only that which is given to us in our Madressah Books. Our Jusdaans represent the beggining and end of our learning. But I see that you read. You read therefore you are free Neo

Neo - Free from what?

Morpheus - From the Matrix.

Neo loocks at Morpheus's eyes but only sees a reflection of himself.

MORPHEUS Do you want to know what it is, Neo?

Neo swallows and nods his head.

Morpheus - It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from Haq.

Neo - What Haq?

Morpheus That you are a slave, Neo.

Neo - No Seriously Uncle, whats the Matrix?

Morpheus - Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.

Neo - How?

Morpheus - Hold out your hands.

Morpheus Holds two pills in his hands, a red and a blue pill.

Morpheus - This is your last chance. No going back. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed with a massive erection that will go away four hours and life will continue. You take the red pill and it breaks the fast that you were in all this time.

Neo - The casings look like thay have bovine gelatin, are these pills even Sanha approved?

Morpheus - Its a matrix, A MATRIX! Just say bismillah and pop one in your mouth, I dont have all day to explain this to you. I havent read Esha yet. Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more.

Neo opens his mouth and swallows the red pill.

We then see the sequence where Neo's body is released from the pod and he awakens to see Morpheus

Morpheus - Welcome, to the Dunya. We are aboard my ship, the Musafir. It is small, and cramped, but very homely. We are on our way to Zion, the last outpost for free men.

Neo - Why do you call it Zion?

Morpheus - There used to be some Natives carried over from the previous Matrix who used to live there but we occupied the land with our superior weaponry, hence Zion

Neo - Makes sense to me.

Morpheus - Before we do anything, we have to train you. Tank, load up the Jihad training.

Neo spends the afternoon learning wrestling, archery, stone throwing as well as how to fire an AK 47.

Morpheus - Now that you are prepared, we have to see the Oracle. She will guide you

They go to see the Oracle

Neo is seen in a waiting room of some sort, surrounded by kids who have either cancer or have just returned from Umrah. He sees a little boy bending a spoon, and is fascinated by this so he leans a little closer

Spoon boy - Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

Neo - What truth?

Spoon boy - There is no spoon.

Neo - There is no spoon?

Spoon boy - Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.

Neo - Yeah, but its sunnat to eat with your fingers so I dont see why you think youre so special following the West. Astagfirullah

Neo is then led to the Oracle, who is in the kitchen busy preparing for Iftar

A Woman is huddled beside the fryer, peering inside through the starining device.

The smell of freshly fried mince samoosas colour the air

Oracle - Smell good dont they

Oracle - I'd ask you to sit down, but, you're not going to anyway. Yar Hamakullah

Neo - Huh, why'd you say th.. [Neo then has a violent sneeze] Aachoo!

Oracle- Thats why.

Neo - How did you know?

Oracle - Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have sneezed if if I hadn't said anything?

MJ

(cough syrup is starting to kick in so i'm going to call it a night.) Stay tuned for part two (there will be a part two Great one)

So - thoughts so far?

Ive taken bits of the script from the second draft of the script and not the final script.