Concerning Cement

You don't want to be the unpopped kernel lying at the bottom of the bowl.

All that salt and flavouring. And no ones going to pick you up.

Someones playing with fireworks at two in the morning. Rebelling against the night. Fighting the silence. he thinks he is a hero, everyone else thinks he is an inconsiderate prick.

The worst type of silence is when you open a bottle of coke and you realise its flat. I think the saying 'you don't appreciate what you have until its gone' was in reference to the gas in the coke.

I don't like fine print because it always sobers you up. I think its a sign that I'm maturing. Kids don't have to read fine print. Because when we are kids, a plastic bag is just one more obstacle between us and the toy. Choking Hazards..pfft.

Looking for a job is depressing. Everyone wants work experience. I have a lot of experience in lecturing, teaching and social media content and community management, and to me, its just another teaspoon of sugar in the cup of tea but no one sees it that way. Maybe I should stick to lecturing. I enjoy it. But it doesn't offer a challenge. Unless i teach Computer science in Greek or something like that. But a challenge for challenge sake is stupid. I want to try my hand at advertising full-time (I spent time at Catalyst and Oddity etc writing copy and developing strategies).

 I want someone to put me in a room. Throw a product at me and say 'You have six minutes, come up with as many ideas as you can to sell this product'. Unless its cement, then I don't want it thrown at me. It can be left by the door. Id love to sell cement. Its not like selling perfume. You dont need half naked girls on top of it. You don't need half naked butch guys either. Its not Carling Black Label.

I just need a chance I guess. I don't want to be a kernel lying at the bottom of the bowl.

MJ

Concerning The Godfather - MJ Style

FADE FROM BLACK: Int. of Don Khaneoles home office - day

BABBOO ESSA (seated in front of the Don's desk, facing the camera)

I believe in hardware. Hardware has made my fortune. Hardware has taught me izzat (respect) I have tried to instill this izzat in my daughter -- I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend; not a Tablighi. She went for a qawali with him; she stayed out till fajr . I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another mureed. They made her drink niaz kheer at a Meelad. And then they tried to make her stand for salaami.

Now she wants to recite naath sharif at a urs!

I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life -- beautiful girl. Now she will be a deviate.

[Babboo Essa breaks down. The Don gestures to Shaheen to give Babboo Essa some water]

maaf...

[Babboo Essa, taking the glass with his right hand]

I went to the Jamiat, like a good Muslim. They urged me to be patient. To provide emotional support for my daughter, but I cannot! I said to my wife, "for haq! We must go to Don Khaneole."

Younus Khaneole (sitting behind his desk, holding a tasbeeh)

Why does this issue weigh your heart? She is still part of the ahlus Sunnah. She has not turned apostate, or even worse, into a Baha’i.

BABBOO ESSA

Don, you need to bring her back to the straight path

DON KHANEOLE

We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for mashurah. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for tea and samoosas, even though my wife is your chotifois daughter in law on Fathimas side. But this is not right. You come into my home on the day of my daughters nikkah and ask me to condemn yours because shes taken an interest in a different school of thought. I believe in Unity Babboo. In uniting the families. And you want me to pass judgement on who is right and wrong! I’m reading durood sharif and counting to ten. You better be out of my house by the time I reach ten!

BABBOO ESSA

Make maaf Don Khaneole, I meant no disrespect. I see the error in my ways. I shall embrace her, and I promise I will no let three days go without us not saying a word to each other.

DON KHANEOLE

Respect differences in opinion

BABBOO ESSA (as he leaves the room)

Shukran bhai Saab

CUT TO: Luca Bhai in Don Khaneoles office -day

LUCA BHAI (after kissing the Don's left cheek)

Don Khaneole, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daugh-- ter's nikkah

(then, after realizing he messed up his rehearsed lines, he fails to recover)

...on the day of your daughter's nikkah. And I hope that their first child is a haafizul Quraan. I pledge my ever-ending loyalty. --

[Playing kids run into the room and then are escorted out by Taahir]

(then, as Luca hands Don Khaneole a cash-filled envelope)

A Kuncha from me

DON KHANEOLE

Thank you, Luca, my most valued friend.

LUCA BHAI

Don Khaneole, I'm gonna leave you now, because I know it is almost time for asr

DON KHANEOLE

Thank you.

[Taahir escorts Luca out]

[OutSide: Screaming of joy from the party outside]

DON KHANEOLE

What is that outside?

CUT TO: Outside, Zain Bhikha enters the party, signing autographs

CONNIE BEN(while running up to Zain)

Zain! Zain! You’ve come!

CUT TO: Don's office. The Don is looking out the window

DON

He came all the way from Johannesburg to come to the wedding; I told you he was going to come.

TAAHIR

It's been four years since Mountains of Mecca; He is promoting that new album of his. The one with his kid.

DON

He's a good godson.

CUT TO: Bandstand area -day

MAMA KHANEOLE

Zain, Zain! Sing a Nasheed.

[the crowd encourages Zain, and he gives in]

CUT TO: Mikaeel and Kay's table -day

KAY

Mik, you never told me you knew Zain Bhikha!

MIKAEEL

Sure... You wanna meet him?

KAY

Huh? Oh, well, sure!

MIKAEEL

My father helped him with his career.

ZAIN BHIKHA (OS - outside)

For my sister on her wedding

KAY

He did? How?

ZAIN (OS, singing "Zamilooni")

"He stepped inside his home..."

MIKAEEL

Let's listen to the song...

KAY

Oh, Mikaeel...

CUT TO: Zain singing to Connie, who's seated. Then PAN the crowd cheering and

screaming as Zain sings

ZAIN (singing, continues)

"...she was a woman of nobility / successful in all her trade / many wealthy men have asked for her / She had turned them all away / but when she saw Muhammed, a shining moon..."

KAY

Please, Mikaeel, tell me.

ZAIN (OS, continues the nasheed)

"He was a light for her / so right for her..."

MIKAEEL

Zain started off small. Back in 94 when no one was doing English nasheeds. He had no backing or anything so his first album, ‘A Way of Life’ was self published. It got big, and big quick. Before you knew it, everyone was clamouring to work with him. Yusuf Islam, Dawud Wharnsby, Raihaan you name it. So Zain signed up with Jamal records about five years later and bham, exploded into the Global scene. In 2005 Dad told Zain that he needed to create his own Label, and ‘Mountains of Mecca’ was the first album they produced together.

[The song is finished, and we hear applause. The Don goes out to meet and hug Zain]

DON (to the surrounding guests)

My godson comes all the way from Johannesburg...give him a glass of sarbat

ZAIN (whispers into the Don's ear that he wants to talk to him)

DON KHANEOLE

I'll take care of it.

CUT TO: Zain Bhikha in the Don's office. -day

ZAIN

I don't know what to do. Theres a huge Nasheed Extravaganza in London next month. Its billed as the ‘Night of Classics’. It will be a great opportunity to market my new single, ‘First we need the Love’. Yusufs performing Tala Al Badru Alaina, and Dawud is doing ‘Sing children of the world’. I want to perform Mountains of Mecca and ‘His name is Muhammed’ but the producer wont give me a slot as I didn’t want to record a single with that new Muslim Rock Band ‘Red Hot Shariah Peppers’. You know I only use vocal percussion and daff Godfather.

DON

What's his name?

ZAIN

Waleed -- Waleed. He -- He won't give me a slot -- and ah, he says there's no chance. No chance.

DON

Dont worry my son, It will all be taken care off. I’l make him an offer he cant refuse. Now go enjoy the wedding, the haleem is about to be served.

*End of Act One*

MJ

(This movie is too long to parody in a single post, so I'l split it up into like four blogposts)

(and yes - I love Zain Bhikha!)

Fresh Imam of Bulwer - MJ Parody

Fresh Imam Of Bulwer

This is a vaar all about how
My dunya got flipped-turned upside down
And i liked to give a bayaan
so sit right there
i’ll tell you how I became the imam of a town called Bulwer

In west Isipingo born and raised
In the musjid was where i spent most of my days
Chillin out prayin recitin all cool
And making whudu by the taps in the school
When a couple of jerks
They were full of zulm
Startin makin trouble in my daarul uloom
I got in one lil speech and my ma got skrik
She made me one taaweez and shipped me off to a farm called bulwer

I made dua for a lift
And when one came near
The license plate said 786 and a tasbeeh from the mirror
Blasting Uwais Qadri without so much as a care
I jumped in and said bismillah, home to bulwer

I rocked up for esha about five to eight
And i told my ride shukran, jazakallah mate
I looked at the jamaat khana
I was finally there
To sit on the mimbar as the Imam of Bulwer.

MJ

(if you havent guessed it by now this is a parody of 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' by Will Smith)

Bulwer is a small town in KZN, and heres a video of the original theme song to help you sing along.

What If The Lion King is about Inception?

I think Rafiki used inception to plant the idea in Simba's head that he must take back Pride Rock. Allow me to illustrate using stills from the movie.





MJ

If Hashim Amla Played Soccer

If Hashim played soccer he would never dive.

If Hashim played soccer all matches on Thursday night will be moved.

If Hashim played soccer, they'd be sprinkling rose water over the players when they stand for the national anthem

If Hashim played soccer and he scored like Maradona, the commentators would call it the the "hand of Hazrath". But Hashim wouldn't take the goal.

If Hashim played soccer we'd have to stop calling Benni fat and refer to him as Masha Allah

If Hashim played soccer then yellow cards would be replaced by 'Astaghfirullahs,' and red cards by 'naoozibillahs'. When you get a 'naoozibillah' you must sit on the taubah bench and reflect

If Hashim played soccer you would get a yellow card for drinking water while standing

If Hashim played soccer they would rename Cape towns stadium to Green Dome.

If Hashim played soccer, the 90 Minutes would be fardh time, with Extra Time being optional.

If Hashim played Soccer, he would encourage you to kick with your right leg.

If Hashim played Soccer, Instead of shaking the players hands before kick off, Sepp Blatter will put attar.

I originally did this as a facebook status update so I got some great additions from Minhaj

If Hashim played soccer, the world cup would last for 40 days.

If Hashim played soccer, then yellow cards would be makrooh

If Hashim Amla played soccer, then the Fifa countdown would be replaced by 'Insha Allah'

and from The Great One

If Hashim played soccer, stadiums would have a purdah section

MJ

(If you are going to e-mail this or bbm it, I'd appreciate it if you leave my name on it)


www.mjkhan.co.za

Fell free to add in the comments.