Monday, August 18, 2008

The Dark Knight - Charou Style

The Movie opens with the Four Big Mafia families sitting down for their monthly Meeting and Biryani. We have the Moodleys, the Bachchans, The Schaiks and the Singhs.

Kuben Moodley: Namaste, Vanakum, Salamalai kum. Welcome one and all. Today we have three scorching issues on the agenda. First we need to check in with our accountant guy, make sure all our bling is stinging. Then we need to have one thunana brainstorming session to get rid of the Batman, and finally we need to decide a date for the annual Mafia family day and thunnee competition.

Lucky Singh: I keep telling you owes, dont trust a China man with our money. One chinese man opened material shop and now half of Chatsworth Centre closed down. same thing will happen in Gotham just now, just you watch and see. Rather give our money to my nephew Sanjeev. He work for KPMG. Big big Business man. He studied the big two - Economics and Accounting.

Schabir Schaik: Hey Lucky you chordu - the only big two your family knows is Jonny Walker and Jack Daniels. Leave the Chinese man with the money, dont give it to a charou to keep. Just now they'l blow it all at one casino. Look how our SBV money vyed like that. We've got bigger shad to fry. How do we deal with the Batman?

Amitabh: My dear brothers in crime, As you all know, Gotham City used to be our town. There was a time, when we ran the place like this (snaps fingers). Twenty years ago I was the Don of Gotham!


Lucky Singh: There we go with the Don story again. (motions to Schaik) Hey Slum ou, pass the sour milk.

Amitabh: As I was saying, the Batman needs to be stopped. In the past three months he has defeated three of our top hitmen. The Halwa Avenger, Mithin Chakraborty and Kali Kavita.

Kuben Moodley: Aye Mithin was like one shining star that fell down. What do we do Big B?

Joker enters, slightly fidgety. Like a charou who downed eight coffees waiting for the sardines to come by.

Joker: Evening Gentlemen

Lucky Singh: This is that Nye that stole from us. Hold me back! Hold me back!

Joker: Easy Bra. Woah tiger. I come with a proposition. An offer. Of sorts.

Amitabh: Wer'e listening

Joker: Its simple really. All we do, is kill the Batman.

Schabir Schaik: What you think we trying to do all this time fella? That thing is harder than Jayas naankathais.

Amitabh: Hey! Leave my vrou out of this.

Joker: Yeah - you'l choon choon choon, but That ou still making your'l jump. Have a think. Heres my card. Mxit number on the other side. Leave one two offline messages. we'l get in touch.
We then move to a court house where District Attorney Harvey Dent is cross examining Gama Singh, the muscle and enforcer for the Singh family.
Harvey Dent: Gama, Is it true that Lucky Singh paid off Vince McMahon to give you the Gotham Wrestling Federation Title? And is it not also true that you repaid Lucky by intimidating Sony Playstation to rename their hit music franchise Singh Star?
Gama : Mere Patha Nahi (I do not know)
Harvey Dent: Never mind that. We have proof. Play the dvd.
Court assistant pushes the play button but the screen remains blank.
Harvey Dent: What is this Hi Fi corp crap? Your honor, Lucky Singh has intentionally installed defective equipment to protect the interests of his family.
Judge Judy: I dont know what youre talking about Mr Dent. Someone delivered an entire Wharfedale Home Theatre System with a Plasma screen to my house last week. It works fine. I'm throwing this out of court on a lack of evidence. Case closed!
Harvey Dent, Commissioner Gordon and Batman team up to capture the Joker. Soon after, Harvey is kidnapped. We join the Commissioner and Batman in the interrogation room.
Joker: Good Evening Commissioner, Kem cho?
Batman: What have you done with Harvey Dent?
Joker: Why So Serious?
Batman: (looks at Gordon) Sirius?
Gordon: (also confused) That kuta from Arry Potter?
Joker: No .. No! Serious. See Ree Yus!
Batman: Seeriyaas! Like the Polka advert. Aye thats a good advert. Gordon, you checked the one with the two charous dallaring their Tazz? Not like my Batmobile though. Yesterday I put one Nitrous and free flow.
Joker: Christ! You two are more incompetent than the SAP kerels. Listen, I got your cherry and that ou Dent locked up. The Cherry is in one SPCA kennel, and if you ask me, its not a moment too soon, and that ou Dent is parking in an abandoned Memsaabs a few roads down. Now i'm not telling you this like a dumb villain in one James Bond movie. You have to make one choice. Save Dent or save the stekkie. Either way i'm going to put for you.
We then witness the most glorious moment in Cinematic history as Maggie Gylenhaal meets her end in an epiphany of flame.
We cut to the hospital where Gordon approaches a disfigured Harvey Dent.
Gordon: Harvey, the doctors say that you dont want any surgery on your burns or anything. have you tried Zam Buk? Can I get you an Ice Pack or huldi or something? I cant look at you bra.
Harvey: Gordon, what was that name you kept for me at the station?
Gordon: What name bra?
Harvey: Gordon! Tell Me!
Gordon: You know how it was. You used to choon this, choon that, so the lighties used to call you Two Face.
There is panic as Joker threatens to destroy teh city. People are being ferried away because its cheaper than driving (petrol price is too high in Gotham). We then cut to a scene where the Jokers voice is played through the loudspeaker of the two ferries.
Joker: Hello. Testing Testing. One Two. This thing on? Good. People of Gotham. I have devised a social experiment of sorts. Both these ferries are rigged with enough explosions to rival Diwali in Mumbai. One Ferry is full of Manchester United fans, and the other Ferry is full of Liverpool fans. There was supposed to be a third ferry full of Arsenal fans but we only have enough owes for a canoe. On board you will find a McGuyver Detonator device. You have till midnight to blow up the other Ferry. Otherwise I will blow up both of you and Chelsea will win the premiership. Now make it sharp. Its Saturday Night and I dont want to miss the E tv movie.
Batman subdues Joker and they have a bit of a chat
Joker: You couldnt let me go, could you? You complete me Batman.
Batman: i'm not a moffie exse. I see that lipstick and all and I dont want you getting ideas. I smaak the cherries.
Joker: No you idiot. I can see why you dont need to pass any tests to be the Batman, youre one retarded fella. Went public school huh. One two many coconuts landed on your head. This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object.
Batman: You mean when Waqar Younis bowls to Inzamam Ul Haq?
Joker: Aargh, I cant take it anymore. Someone please shoot me in the head. This ou is too dom. I give up.
MJ

9 comments:

Waseem said...

Firstly I told you before its mujko patha nahin.

Second I thought you coulda talked up Azam Khans for the ferry sound system :D

Finally, its ok, funny in places, better than some stuff. I think your strength is Muslim stuff though. The best charo adaptation is still Q's Stardust

Khadija said...

lol.. i enjoy your manipulation of dialect, makes for entertaining reading!

KimyaShafinaaz said...

lol

awww. batman smaaks the cherries hey; how sweet :P

lol.. this was totally legendary dude. i agree with waseem: mujhko or mujeh pata nahin.. not mere

awesome parody :)
time to write sitcom methinks!!!!!

M Junaid said...

Aww! Why you gotta be so hard on me all the time! I like this piece. It was frustrating to adapt but i think it came out all right. You try something similar. We can't all be great.

Destroyer of dreams!

SingleGuy said...

I loved it, until you blew up Maggie Gylenhaal. It was that emotional rollercoaster all over again!

SingleGuy said...

Oh, you have Schabir Shaik, I was half expecting Jay Zee to pop out there too.....or is he actually the Joker?

Anonymous said...

Fuck waseem Mj! He thinks he's too sharp! This piece was brilliant.Had me in stitches lol

Mohamed Karolia said...

Hahaha lol this is brilliant ! Had me laughing out loud in parts.

The minute i read the one ferry was filled with United loosers i knew you were gonna put liverpool fans in the other lol

Shiraz said...

You just know the united fans pressed that button... They're jealous that way. This was a very funny parody dude. Even jaya got a mention. Er... U might wanna put a spoiler alert at the top for the ppl that haven't watched it yet