Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Pirates of the Caribbean – Chatsworth style

Captain Jack sighted the area. This way, that way. Where he had once seen ‘maacha’, life presented problems. Feeling more kak than a man who was just four-balled at thunnee and more sober than a pundit on Diwali; life seemed lower than Mallika Sherawats top in a Bollywood movie, and more shameless too. Captain Jack never had a problem with shame, until now. He was lost without his prized GTI - the Black Pearl.

The Pearl was a beauty – sleek as one jaguar (not like that nye rajbansi’s tiger) She purred like a mountain lion when jack revved her up. Fastest car in Chatsworth – no word of lie. She used to eat the M3’s like they were banana bhajias. Jack could only sit and lament over her. See, three days ago, that maader chord Barbosa took her away . What a beauty, gone. Jack couldn’t vie to the Kerels because he bought the cab from Barbosa and didn’t outlay all the crown one time. Jack was in the middle of a skiddik that vied shambies and couldn’t put payment that month. What to do, what to do– no cab, no stekkie, no dop. No credit for mxit. Times were swak.

Jack sat on the verandah of his mothers house and scratched his head. Even that cake Turner don’t come to his posie, ever since he got whiff of that Lizabeth stekkie. ‘That stekkie was jux for me’, Jack said, bitter that he did not close the deal when they were alone in his cab. “yeh, that ou Will is a poes. No offline messages, no pokes. Nothing. Wakkind bra is dat”, Jack thought as he wallowed.

No sooner than he started cursing Wills Ma then the ou pulled in at his pozie. Will was a graafer you see, things were hard growing up for him – no bullie, and he had to graaf with his hands. Because of that Will drove a Cortina. You know how some cars have a fitted sound sytem, Wills cab had a fitted smoke machine – every time Will switched his car on, fumes will come out of the exhaust – just down the road in Amanzimtoti, the wit ous call that Pollution. Lizabeth stekkie jumped out of the passenger seat – all slaaned up. There was something manly about this stekkie, but Jack couldn’t place it. Will always smaaked the flat chested ones. Jack warned him once. He said “Bra, don’t ever pick up stekkies when you’re on and the strobe light is vying for it (Will met Elizabeth at the Cape to Cairo nightclub on mahatma Gandhi Road)

‘Wakkind lightie’ Will screamed at Jack even though they were only two metres away from each other (the wit ous in Amanzimtoti don’t realize that us Charous are loud people – they only know that Diwali time when the crackers go off). ‘You’re a poes’ jack hollered back at him (the wit ous in Amanzimtoti don’t realize that poes is a term of endearment amongst bras. But then again, neither did jack)

‘Same same bra’, Will responded. ‘Wanna vie Lugs with us?’ Elizabeth shot a nasty look at Will, the same look she gave him when he told her how pretty and fair her cousin Sheila is. Jack checked this and said “your dragon not too thrilled with this idea. She realize she not gay and wants to break up with you? (this was usually Jacks response for every awkward moment – us charous are homophobilious or something – ey we don’t smaak the gay ous – not like the wit ous in Amamzimtoti)

Elizabeth, who possessed the same amount of tact as Jack screamed at him. “what climbed up your arse? Where’s your cab huh? That slum ou pulled it from you huh – no more black Pearl. He must have changed it back to barbosa786 – ZN.”

‘Waah’, Will exclaimed as he held his hand to his mouth, ‘My stekkie dallared you swak. You got burnt bra’. Jack quickly responded ‘Your ma got burnt when she realized she wasn’t gay you poes’. Realising that there’s nothing worse than sitting at home on a Saturday night (SABC shows some shit movies on a Saturday) Jack jumped in the car and the three of them vied to Lugs.
Stay tuned for part two where Jack, Will and that Lizabeth stekkie try to break into Barbosa’s posie to reclaim the Black Pearl while avoiding Barbosas Rottweiller, Kraken.


Shafinaaz Hassim said...

*shafs be needing a dictionary*

or something. like a tour guide, to navigate these shark infested waters :/

gosh, i cant get past the banana bhajias! lol.. hilarious dude!

Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

same ol MJ. yay.

Bilal said...

lol. i like :)

My dartboard said...

that was awesome. fucking great ekse.

Anonymous said...

I reckon you should record a reading of this and post that. Then we could hear the words like they were meant to be heard.

Shafinaaz Hassim said...

gosh, talk about an education! i just discovered what or where Lugs is.. how am i going to survive my adventures into the jungle of the kzn??

Waseem said...

El how you vat Chatsworth like that outie? Chune for Phoenix whatkind?

(Translation: Why do you berate Chatsworth, young man? Rather berate Phoenix please)

Zahera said...

hahahahahahahahahahhahahahah You killed it Emmy! :-D

Shafinaaz Hassim said...

@ waseem: gentleman u are! thanks for the education :)