MSA Gala Jokes

I was invited to perform stand-up comedy at the MSA Gala Dinner this weekend. It is odd being called a stand up comedian. Not a title I'm used to. Slightly older audience than I expected but I gave it a shot. Here is some of my material from the event. Let me know what you think.

Asalaam u alaikum. My name is MJ Khan. Some of you may know me from my blogs or twitter account, although I suspect more of you may have seen me at spur. Not that I work there – but… (gestures to tummy).

I have been part of the MSA during my studies and now support it from the periphery. I see some of the old guard sitting in the audience tonight. The Muslim seniors association.

Before I begin, I would like to address clapping. I tweeted Mufti Menk last night and asked him to follow back if clapping at an event was haraam (not permissible). He didn’t so Alhumdulillah, its all good. 

But that’s the thing about Mufti Menk. Mufti Menk does not follow back. He doesn’t 'follow Friday' , he doesn’t Retweet, he doesn't 'hashtag thank allah its jumuah', Nothing!

 But imagine if Mufti Menk did follow you on twitter? 

It will put a stop to all subtweeting, random tweets swearing the aunty that cut the line at woolies and will eliminate selfies by 40 percent.  

I love social media (its what I do for a living) and I love how we interact on twitter and facebook and what have you. But there is a line! And that line is crossed whenever some guy instagrams himself in the act of qurbani.  I urge you my brothers; don’t instagram your qurbani. 'Aint nobody got time fo that'. 

Picture this, the sheep is on the ground, takbeer is resounding through the air, you’re holding the knife and have made your niyyat. Youre supposed to be reflecting on the essence of Abraham's sacrifice and connecting with your lord but instead, you’re like "riaaz, check my goney, dala the thing on lo-fi LO-FI. Hashtag selfi".

I see some of the older people are looking at me strangely. Lo-fi is a filter or camera effect that people use to replicate the best lighting location for taking a self portrait (illustrates taking a selfie) . That is (pause), a toilet. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m looking forward to eid. Its my favourite Eid. After eid ul fitr. 

Speaking of eid ul fitr. I have a shawal beard. Its like a Ramadan beard, but for lazy people.  Sadly, it has not improved my cricket (makes batting gesture)

Who is your favourite South African muslim role model? South African so Zayn Malik doesnt count!

(someone in the front row said Hashim Amla)

Give a round of applause for hashim amla. I love hashim. What a fantastic role model for the muslim youth. 

(rattled of some of my Hashim Amla Jokes - 'if hashim played soccer etc)

Speaking of jumuah, This week I went to the Marlboro musjid. By a show of hands, how many of you have been to the Marlboro musjid. Now im not going to say they have a space problem, but you know your musjid is cramped when the saffs are so small, you don’t know whether youre reading jumuah or janazah salaat. Some brothers take the shoulder to shoulder thing too seriously. Sometimes I feel like I am on mastersaff (acts as a judge who is checking if there is a fist-space between feet).  

We need to address the gap issue in the musjid. Some Musalees are too optimistic. there was a space the size of a miswak in front of me. So the uncle next to me motioned for me to fill the gap. ‘Now brother, im not sure whether you think that I’m a transformer or something, but theres no way that i’m going to plug that gap. I am a fully grown man, not poly-filla.

And it got me thinking. Imagine if we had more taxi drivers who converted to islam. We wouldn’t have any gaps in the safs anymore. Moment, there is a gap, the taxi driver will move forward.

I get happy when Muslim brothers diversify. But I think the Halaal bodies are taking it too far. Certifying water. Milk and toothpicks!  Why do you need to certify toothpicks?

 Soon they are going to start certifying chandeliers. (points to chandelier in hall). This one will be haram!

but on the other hand, we have brothers who are diversifying the Ummah. Brothers like the majlis.

Majlis hates everyone equally

.

 Hashim amla. Riaad Moosa. Zain bhikha. Shaikh Saadullah. You!

The one thing majlis hates more than everyone is banks. Standard bank. Fnb. Absa. Beep bank. (takes out a copy of the majlis) All banks deal with RIBA and are haraam. Then lower down on the same page 'for subscription, please deposit 360 rands into savings account'!

MJ

Concerning Young Ones

There was a #sheistooyoung hashtag that was doing the rounds yesterday so I decided to join in - one of my tweets "if she doesn't remember Marlena being possessed by the devil in Days of our Lives" really took off and I got over 50 retweets on that (most I have ever received since my 'Yo Momma's iman is so weak the only time she says bismillah is when she is singing bohemian rhapsody') 

I then get a mention from trendsmap stating "MJ Khan, @concerningmj is now trending in South Africa.

Good stuff :)

Here are some of my #sheistooyoung tweets from last night. Will add more when I get a chance

#Sheistooyoung if she still keeps half day fasts

#Sheistooyoung if she carries a plastic money bag around on Eid Day

#Sheistooyoung if she has a black 'jusdaan' embroided with little mirrors and gold thread

#Sheistooyoung if she compares mendhi patterns with her cousins on Eid

Sheistooyoung if her first phone was not a Nokia 3310

#Sheistooyoung if she calls it the Mr Price Pro instead of the Gunston 500

#Sheistooyoung if she's never sent a 'Call Log on Mxit' Call Me text before

#Sheistooyoung if her first Leon Schuster movie was Mr Bones

#Sheistooyoung if the first time she watched Titanic was two weeks ago

#Sheistooyoung if the first time she heard Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer was during a Castle Light ad.

#Sheistooyoung if she never tasted Rascals or Perky Nana

#Sheistooyoung if she never owned a childcraft and has used Wikipedia for every assignment

#Sheistooyoung if she never owned shoes with flashing red lights on the heel

#Sheistooyoung if she can't remember a time when Spur was not halaal

#Sheistooyoung if her first books were written by JK Rowling and not Enid Blyton

#Sheistooyoung if she has played 'angry birds' on her cellphone, but not 'Snake'

#Sheistooyoung if she knows John Stamos from Glee, but not from Full House

#HeIsTooYoung if he never collected and built a glow in the dark Tyrannosaurus Rex

#Sheistooyoung if she never had Scotts Emulsion.

Its quite a lot of fun - I'll be dumping a few more in the comments section. Do play along. I feel it works better if you're subtle. And please be original. MJ hates people passing off stuff as their own.

MJ

Concerning Marriage

Marriage is a comfort. A familiar scent that gets into your nose and the spaces between your ears that you halfheartedly wash during whudu.

But marriage is not easy. It demands a balance. Between rationality and emotion. It demands patience. And apologies for things that you did not do, for errors you did not make. Because apologies in marriage is not about who is right or wrong. Apologies are about moving past the sticky molasses that drags you down, beats you and cuts you up. Apologies are about realising that marriage is bigger than a moment of anger.

My wife used to be a little insecure. About my loves. Insecure about things that I could not change. People I could not erase and words that were marks on a whiteboard. Streaks wiped over with blotted paper and selective editing. I don't hold onto these words. But I appreciate them for what they are. Distant memories of a time before her.

Marriage is exciting.

It is a rollercoaster thrill. Without the tedious wait or the smell of evaporated vomit.

Marriage is sobering.

Its the moments between dishes, and the contentment of letting your guard down.

Marriage is true.

Devoid of pretension and falseness.

Marriage is great.

MJ

7 ideas for Nintendo South Africa

The Nintendo Wii has plateaued, with sales now dropping at an alarming base. Here are seven ideas for Nintendo to use to help them bolster their position and regain any lost ground (and if Nintendo is reading this and they like any ideas – a free 3DS with Super Mario 3D would be great)

1. Make Mario the face of Movember.

The Movember campaign has gained considerable speed, and who better to be the face (or moustache) of the campaign than Nintendo’s flagship character. Older gamers who grew up on Mario’s adventures will be targeted through magazines like FHM and Mens Health. This does not have to be a exclusively symbolic campaign but can feed into Nintendo’s CSI initiatives – I have identified a few local cancer organisations that Nintendo could partner with (like Cansa) to roll out this campaign. A small percentage from sales of a particular title could be given to Cansa.

2. Update the facebook page

The bane of social media is that information needs to be updated on a regular basis. The official Nintendo SA facebook page (please remove distributor from your name) has not been updated in a while – the info page still says ‘3DS. Coming soon!’ Also, I’m wary of getting followers by giving away prizes. Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for prizes, but some of them need to be earned. Which brings me to

3. Link with Draw Something

Draw Something has exploded onto the market with 50 million downloads in 5 weeks. One of the possible drawings that you could get is Mario. Why not combine these two gaming juggernauts – you can have a Mario Draw Something competition – get folks to pose with their Mario pics (so that we can verify that it is their work and not ripped from the net) and award prizes like that, as opposed to the current lucky packet method.

4. Dust off that Wii

I don’t think that Nintendo should chase after new markets (or the hardcore Modern warfare fan). Rather, they should concentrate on people who have bought the Wii, played bowling for a couple of months and then put it away. I would rather plan a campaign to get people back to playing wii as opposed to chasing those who don’t have one yet. Software makes money, not hardware.

5. Create a Mario Kart league for schools

One of my fondest memories growing up was playing Mario kart 64 with my little sister. The game was made for multiplayer – why should we approach the new one any differently. I suggest that Nintendo get in touch with select schools across the country – I would target schools that belong to the company I work for, Advtech (they own Crawford etc) and have a huge Mario kart tournament. All you need is a couple of Nintendo 3DS’s, a digital scoreboard and a few prizes – I did something similar with Standard Bank’s achiever account last year to great success. The Nintendo 3DS has to be seen to be experienced – TV spots don’t do the 3D effect justice. The more impressionable hands we get it into, the better.

6. More exposure in local media (including websites and print)

I had a cursory glance at some of the bigger gaming websites in the country (Mygaming, lazygamer, mydigitallife etc) and unlike the PS3 and Xbox reviews which are up every week, Nintendo hardly features. I review PS3 games for Mydigitallife and occasionally write a gaming related column for the Sunday Tribune, and I don’t get that much exposure to Nintendo either – This is problematic because the moment Nintendo leaves the gamers consciousness, it stops becoming relevant.

7. New Super Mario Bros 2

Nintendo need to get behind this title in a big way. It comes out in August, so the hype machine should start now. The 3DS wasn’t great at all until Super Mario 3D was released last year, and proved to be a system seller. Nintendo need to ride the momentum by hyping this title.

Do you have any ideas?

MJ

What Adele really wanted to sing

What if Adele sang what was really on her mind? I think 'Someone like you' might have sounded a little more like this:

(As with all my parodies, it helps if you have the original in the background)

I heard that you're miserable
That you found a whore and she’s a big fat cow.
I heard that your fears came true.
That she gave you crabs, and syphilis too.

Old fool, why don’t you just die?
Ain't like you to hold back or be of sound mind.

I love to turn up when you’re watching man united
But I can’t help but break the dish, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd regret it
That I was, the best thing you looked over

Go to hell, I hate someone like you
I wish nothing but the worst for you too
Don't forget that, I wish.
I remember you said,
"Sometimes you’re last in love and sometimes the heart’s just dead,
Sometimes you’re last in love and sometimes the heart’s just dead,”

MJ