Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Friday, April 16, 2010

In Honour of Waseem

Usually when I wish people on my blog its a once off thing, but the Great One is different, and therefore in his honour, I have started a new Comic strip called Super Blogger Friends (kinda like this really) . I'l probably update it every second week or so and i'm hoping that within two months (or at least as long as it takes before i'm bored of it) it will start taking shape. I have used the 'create a comic strip' tool from some rubbish kids website. Think of this one as the introductory piece, with subsequent ones building on it. I'm hoping to include a whole bunch of bloggers because A) i'm nerdy like that and B) because i'm inclusive like that.

Part 2 will be up next week.


Monday, April 12, 2010

Concerning Hansel

I dont really think the witch from Hansel and Gretel was all that mean. Sure, she had a penchant for eating obese little German boys, but I reckon they were getting a pretty good deal. She didnt fatten up Gretel because lets face it... no one likes a fat bitch. Even witches with poor eyesight.

I dont see the need for an evil stepmother though. Is the witch so weak as an antagonist that she cant be chief villain all on her own? Its kinda like the Batman movies really - In the first one, all you needed was Jack Nicholson, but after that it had to be two villains per movie. Why complicate shit? I'm glad they didnt mention that Hansel was diabetic though. That would have been overkill.

We always have this desire to complicate shit though. So that it stands out. So it isnt lost in the shuffle of the ordinary. A part of me likes routine, consistency and Windowsills made of liquorice. I'm not big on gingerbread walls though - they remind me of those crappy biscuits we used to get in the orange wrappers. I cant remember the name now. The Bakers man can.. mess up now and then.

Sometimes we need to question the shit we read to our kids, but I think whats more important is that we question the stuff we consume. I'm not saying that everything is some huge Zionist conspiracy but I fear for the time where we accept everything we hear or read without negotiating the message. Put down the V for Vendetta masks though. No need to blow up the Union Building. If anything, I would blow up Melrose Arch. What a pointless Diet Coke Mall. I cant say things like Blow Up anymore. Word association is a bitch.

Hansel and Gretel could have been more complicated. I'm not talking about incest here Hamish so stop grinning. They could be two Arab kids lost in the desert. Leave as many pebbles as you like, youre' still screwed. Maybe they'l have two, three or four evil stepmothers - four times the hate. maybe they'll be starving and stuff and the witches house would be made out of Gelatine. can you imagine Gretel getting on her knees looking for a MJC stamp.

Maybe Hansel and Gretel could be American kids. Would have saved the witch time from having to fatten him up methinks.

I feel sorry for the witch. They let her cook in the oven for a few days. Little bastards. So whats the moral of the story?

You can tell me :)


Wednesday, April 07, 2010

The Book Of Hamish

Here begins the tale of the two companions and their search for the book.

A book of power?


A book of wisdom?


Not even substance?

Not a sliver.

A Book of Hamish.

Chapter one - Concerning Hamish

I sit in front of this pc, older, bearded, wiser (some say bored too) hoping to give an accurate account of The Book of Hamish. Some call it myth, others a fallacy. But most have not heard of it. Such is the elusive nature of such a text, that it had become my life's work to prove its existence.

The Legend of Hamish is very much like the man himself, short and nonsensical. Yet for all his stoutness (he might say rugby player physique, provided rugby was played by dwarves in the Lord of the Rings) he appears to be a literary heavyweight, at least thats what he says on his blog anyway.

Chapter two - All Rainbows. All the time.

Intrigue, excitement and exhilarating action. just a few of the many things that you will not find in this book. Instead, a cursory glance of the title will probably conjure up images that could perhaps be classified best as Homo erotic fantasy. Yes my dear readers, (and I mean dear in the most condescending manner) The rainbow has no pink can best be described as a sausagefest. You'd be surprised that the foreword was not written by Sir Elton John.

Chapter three - The adventure begins

According to Flybynight Publishers, only 12 copies of The rainbow have no Pink has been printed. Three were given to the Elven Kings, Seven to the Dwarves - None to Snow White, because lets face it - if you fail at simple things like chewing and swallowing you have bigger problems than reading. One copy remained. Scattered somewhere within Exclusive Books 48 stores. One last copy. We would track it down.

Chapter four - The discovery

The Great One and I searched. We searched like we were searching for a Golden Ticket. Except this was not really gold, nor did it give us access to a factory. In fact - the only similarity would be the papercuts. Who are we kidding, papercuts means that we actually intended to turn the page. Eventually our travels took us to Melrose Arch in Johannesburg. The mall was split in two. A arch and B arch. Naturally, Exclusive Books would be hidden away in B-Arch. Our first instinct was to look for it next to Spud. That was our first error because as you all know - Spud is in the 'Popular South African fiction' section. No no no, we would need to look elsewhere. We searched and searched, and after two hours, those old familiar feelings of disappointment took hold. Heaving a large sigh, I stood up, and immediately heard a loud unmistakable yelp. My first thought was that Waseem hurt his eye with one of those pop up books again and I immediately rushed to his aid. Lo and Behold - I found him in the 'sadaqah' section clutching something white and worthless in his hands. I moved in, and with great insignificance I saw that he had found it. The last copy of the book.

Chapter Five - The Casting

Little has been written about this book, and it is my wish that this account remain firmly lodged in our collective memories for at least a few months. The Rainbow has no Pink remains as one of the last accounts of 'Hot gay man love' for a generation too young to remember Nataniel. And it is for this reason that it should be purchased by all. The other reason being that it makes for a compelling argument in the 'Why the Citizen needs to be shut down' debate. For those who do not heed my words of recommendation and buy it, allow me to end this story with a quote from the author

"Dof!" (Pillay 2008:68)