Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Concerning Super Heroes

The Gang and I are going for Iron Man this week, and for the first time ever, I am not excited about watching a super hero movie. I'm sure I'll have tons of fun regardless (My friends rock) but Iron Man has never ever caught my attention. Lets put it this way - if I was a kid and you asked me to choose between an Iron Man comic and the latest issue of Living and Loving, I'd choose Living and Loving (I'd choose it these days as well - MJ Loves Boobs) I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think Iron Man will truly suck - lets hope I am wrong.
To mark Iron Mans release however, Ive decided to do a post on my Seven Crappiest Super Hero movies (I'll do a counter post on the seven best soon, for now all I'm saying is that X Men 2 is my favourite) I chose seven as opposed to my traditional five as I believe that all these movies deserve a mention. A few things about this list - Most people I spoke to hated Daredevil and the Punisher, but I liked them so you won't find them here. I also kinda liked Electra, so she wont be here either.
7. Fantastic Four - Silver Surfer. I really enjoyed the first Fantastic Four. It had a good blend of humour and action. Most superhero movies need that (except Batman Begins which I think takes itself too seriously) However, I walked out of the second movie disappointed. i don't know any Fantastic Four mythology, but are villains so scarce that they have to resurrect the guy they defeated in the first movie? Also, Fantastic Four seemed to do the impossible in that it sucked all the sexiness out of Jessica Alba. Gawd she looked awful in that movie. Mostly for that reason, its my seventh worst super hero movie.
6. Ghost Rider. Not even Eva Mendes's cleavage could save this movie. If you are a regular reader of my blog you know my thoughts on Nicholas Cage. The best part of the movie was that everytime his head caught alight I was saved from looking at his face.
5. Hellboy - Dumb. Lets move along
4. Batman and Robin. George Clooney as Batman. George Clooney as Batman. One more time. George Clooney as Batman. OK, so this guy made a name for himself in E.R, so the casting director says 'hey, doctors save people, so does Batman.. Clooney will be awesome'. Its logic like this that starts pointless wars. This movie sucked so bad. My favourite Batman movie is still the original with Keaton and Nicholson
3. Hulk. "Don't make me angry.. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry". More like 'don't make me bored', because that's what I was for the first hour or so. Watching Hulk is like dating a a really innocent girl. You have to invest tons of time and sms's and mxit messages before you get any action. Urgh! Hulk was puss.
2. Catwoman. Where do I begin with this one... The only relation this movie had to the comic was its name. That's it. I cant call this an adaptation. It doesn't seem fair. When Halle Berry won the Razzie for worst actress of the year (for Catwoman) she said 'First of all, I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, God awful movie . . . It was just what my career needed'. Isn't that a pile of shit. Shes not a struggling actress or anything, I mean, this was straight off the heels of her Academy award winning performance for Monsters Ball) but heres the thing - I think its a trend for all Oscar winners to do a shit move immediately after they win an Oscar - see Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux and Jamie Foxx in Stealth (Aeon Flux isn't in my list as I have not watched it yet)
1. Ultraviolet. I love Milla Jovovich. She was awesome in the Resident Evil franchise (and we share initials), but Man did I hate this movie. Worst Super hero movie ever. I don't want to even recall what happened in it as I have suppressed those memories deep within my cranial cortex. If there is one thing that you take away from my blog it must be this - do not watch Ultraviolet.
Your thoughts...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Concerning Nostradamus

While academics have long discredited anything that Nostradamus prophesied as being real glimpses into the future, He still remains a popular icon in our social consciousness. I prefer calling him 'Bosridamus' - those who understand Hindi could elaborate. I read his book, Les Propheties, this weekend, and I thought, well, everyone is trying to fit this guys prophecies into their own agenda, so why shouldn't I.
I present to you - Nostradamus UnBunked (all prophesies are authentic - none of that village idiot bullshit you'll find circulating the net)

The Cock (France) shall be received within Monaco.

The Cardinal of France shall appear:

he shall be deceived by the Roman legation.

The weaker the Eagle, the stronger the Cock shall become.


'Zidane off as Italy win World Cup'- BBC News Headline

Child without hands: never was so great a thunderbolt seen:

the royal child wounded while playing tennis.

Broken at the well;

lightning-strikes while going there to mill:

three trussed up with chains around their waists.

This prophesy is actually packed with many little details so lets break it down verse by verse. The first verse is a prophesy about a fireworks malfunction at the end of Wrestlemania 24 when Undertaker won. The second verse is about Prince Harry being hit in the face with a wii-mote when the Queen was playing Wii Sports. The last three verses are all tied up to the group Destinys Child, who have come under fire for releasing tracks that sound too similar to their older stuff (the verse is a play on going to the well too often and lightning hitting twice) The chains is a reference to the bling bling they wear on stage. As you can see - the entire prophesy is about the entertainment industry.

Let those who read these verses consider them maturely!
Let the profane and ignorant mob keep away!
Away with you, all Astrologers, Idiots and Barbarians!
May he who does otherwise be subject to the sacred rite [i.e. go to hell].
VI 100
This is Nostadamus responding to comments that he is a nob. And he is basically warning against making fun of his prophesies.. err, which is exactly what I'm doing right now - hey - maybe he was right :P
The galley’s sail shall hide the ship’s sail:
the greater fleet shall flush out the lesser.
Ten nearby ships near shall turn it and drive it back:
the greater one having been beaten,
the alliance shall take it over.

Nostradamus predicting the climax of Pirates of the Caribbean 3 - At worlds End


Here is a link to the simplified transcript of his book if you want to have some fun in the comments page

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Concerning Origami Stars

I get crank calls every few days - I guess people enjoy doing it because I play along - not play along as in get pranked. I think I fell for it twice max. I'm very sceptical about most calls from private numbers, but then again - who isnt?

So yesterday evening at around 5 I get a call from a Indian lady with an awful Chinese accent telling me that she works for Namco and she wants to offer me a job. OK Folks - i'l let you in on a little secret - The whole L and R thing is overkill when you appry it to evely word . So after chatting to her for a few minutes, and being as sarcastic as I could, she hands the phone to a guy who tries the same crap with me. He then says 'We'l pay you five hundled dolla a day'. So I tell him that 'thats what I used to get paid every day as a Prostitute in the Philippines and that I have other shit to do so can he kindly Fu.. and then he quickly says 'You're live on Radio Al Ansaar and this is the Drive Time show with Zahir Bassa'.

Boy did I get a good laugh - heres a tip - If you are going to prank someone, don't do it live. Pre record it so that you can add a few choice bleeps at the appropriate moment.

It was the Great Ones birthday yesterday so a few of us went down to Luna Blu for supper. I seem to go there every six months. First was the blogger dinner feat FMM and second was Suhailas 25th.

OK - lets review some food - The Chicken Spaghetti thing was utter crap. Never ever order it. Sophie the waitress lied! Luckily it was Shiraz who had it. I ordered the Luna Macon.

Macon - what a stupid idea - its like we are so desperate to have a Bacon substitute we decided to call our processed meat Macon. Heck - I think its something we made up in South Africa - Wikipedia has nothing on it. It was pretty decent, but I wasnt impressed with the portion. Q ordered the Pappadew pasta - definitely the tastiest thing on the table (I sampled most of the food) Pappadews on their own suck, but it really added a lovely taste to the pasta. Waseem will probably try to convince you that his Gordon Blu was hand picked from Jannat and placed on this dunyaa, but I thought it was rather bland. It was good, it just lacked flavour. Any flavour. But hey - It was countless times better than the awful Spaghetti Bolognaise that Joe ordered - I promise you it was boiled spaghetti with two table spoons of Mince that had that Bakri Eid smell to it. I imagine this is how a sheep will taste if I had to lick it. Baa. No idea what the others ordered.

I can never waste food. Even if its a little bit, I'l get a doggy bag and take it home. Mum used to say that there are starving people in Somalia so I shouldn't waste - How would she know? Shes never been there. But anyway, I cant bear to leave my food behind. Heck - Ive paid for it, and I know I'm going to be feeling for it in a few hours anyway. Call me cheap - I don't care. Since the dessert menu consisted of one item - bad Luna blu bad! we decided to take a drive to Milky Lane on the Beachfront. Unfortunately they were closed so we ate at Waffle Express. Worst Idea ever!

Most Muslim owned franchises screw you over with the food - we know that. In fact, sometimes I'd rather eat at a non Muslim owned franchise with a halaal certificate than eat at the Muslim owned counterpart. So you can imagine how much worse it is when you eat at a Muslim owned former franchise like Waffle Express (used to be Milky lane) The brownies were crispier than a KFC double Crunch Rounder, the Spinner tasted like mud and the ice cream had this polystyrene texture to it. Even the water tasted funny - It tasted old. Like the water that Jesus turned to wine 2000 years ago - Probably the same batch. However, the nuts on my banana split were delicious so not everything was bad.

All this bitching, and you might think I had a lousy time. Not at all. Because when you are with good friends, you always have an awesome time, regardless of the crap you eat.


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Concerning Cups

Shiraz, Doc, Yuraaz Cumshot, Masood B, MJ, Waseem, Maverick, Sanchez and some guy and his wife.

The thing about Paintball is that you can never get used to the pain when that demonic sphere of colour hits you. It reminds me of this bug killer that we have in our scullery - its one of those ultraviolet bug zappers that electrocutes the bastards - I can never get used to the bang sound it makes when it fries one of the little critters.

But the pure exhilarition of it all makes the pain worth it. In fact - We're going to do the whole Paintball thing every second week and everyone is welcome to join us - The more the merrier (or at least more targets to hit)

We watched Rambo the night before so you can imagine how revved up we were to unleash hell upon each other. Masood went for paintballing two weeks earlier, and figured that this was his calling in life and immediately bought a ridiculously over priced gun, body armour, a few thousand pellets and some gloves. Standard paintball guns sting when you get shot. This idiots gun could have put down a rhino! But we'l get to that later.

So we break into two teams, and decide to have a session of search and destroy (thats just a fancy military term for shoot anything that moves). I found an amazing sniping position behind some barrels, but the problem with paintball is that once you find a good spot to camp at, some dickhead from your team will encroach on your space, and immediately your position is compromised. That dickhead happend to be Maverick (last guy on the right)

Waseem, Shiraz and Yuraaz joined us in the second session. This was my round, and I really got into the whole warfare thing, scurrying from position to position, shooting the hell out of everyone else. Every time I got a hit I would scream Allah u Akbar - next time im wearing my arafat scarf. Out of the five guys in the other side, I shot four of them - I tried shooting the guys wife but as you can see from the pic, shes kinda tiny so it was hard.

Round 3 was revenge round for team B and they slaughtered us. I dont know what happened to Waseem, but three minutes into the match I couldnt see him anywhere. I was secretly hoping he had some Predator cloaking technology but in reality he just left us to get butchered (dont deny it my man!) Yuraaz thought that he could outrun the paintballs - Kryptonian he is not. Shiraz went down when he was flanked by Masood and Sanchez, so he was like 'screw it - I cant take this shit anymore'. So here I was, all alone, against five vengeful and irritatingly accurate enemies. I play alot of Call of Duty and Gears of War. I could take on these pussies. No Sweat.


I wanted to fight, to kill, to maim, but they shot me in the balls! I think I could hear that music from Snatch playing when Brad Pitt knocked out thay guy in the caravan park. I ended up with six bruises (I only found out about one when I showered that afternoon) and they all look like lovebites. So why put yourself through such torture? Because its damn fun. Thats why I'm going again next week. After I pop into Sportsmans Warehouse first to buy a cup.


p.s - Join the Paintball Club on facebook - we are going to be using it as central point for planning future outings.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Concerning Lesbians

Organ Harvester has issued a challenge out to all bloggers. He wants us to post videos on any subject matter, and predictably, no one gives a shit. So, because I pity him so much, I will sacrifice all forms of pride and self esteem and post a video Yuraaz took last Saturday (when I was in my alleged coma)
Doubt any one else is going to post a video, so you can cut the small talk and e-mail me my cheque Titus.

please note - while I am singing 'I love when girls kiss girls' (I heard that stupid song on someones funwall and its been stuck in my head ever since) Lesbians don't do it for me.

Also - Notice the up yours gesture - I AM NOSTRADAMUS!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Concerning Kings 2

It all began on a somewhat cloudy Saturday afternoon. First impressions are lasting they say - boy did the bouquet of flowers throw me off. Sensing my slight apprehension, I was assured that they were for a mutual friend, and not yours truly. (perhaps i should have suited up in the afternoon).

Pick up Haamish from the hotel

He spent the morning soliciting minors and harassing security personnel at the Chatsworth Centre (the last time Ive been there, KFC rounders were only R 5.70 - MJ's memory is intrinsically linked to food)

Find the Kapade residence in Parlock.

For some reason, people in parlock like nothing better than standing by their postboxes and chatting to neighbours. Friendly place me thinks, although I don't think I could live there (not that I have anything against it) I would never take a chick to Parlock though - just driving to the Kapade house I passed five people I know (standing by their postboxes!) Its like what you see in the the movies when the kid is excited because they are getting something from the UPS man.

The Kapades threw a royal ball for us, and I wasted little time stuffing my face with nachos, cakes and this weird puri patha casserole thing (staying alone at home has its disadvantages). Mummy Kapade said that she reads my blog regularly (which is kinda disturbing as I use profanity and talk about boobs all the time) Daddy Kapade then proceeded to reminisce some of his nautical exploits, much to the chagrin of the harvester and his wing man, MJ.

Captain Jack Sparrow, he was not, so instead of listening to stories of pillaging and looting, we got to hear about how to read thermometers. Gripping stuff indeed. Don't get me wrong, Daddy Kapade is a lovable chap. Ten minutes into the conversation, and I could take no more (I was merely the chauffeur anyway). So I asked Shaista if she wanted to play some video games or something, and flashed a dirty smirk at Haamish, leaving him to fend for himself. In hindsight I should have stayed downstairs as the Kapade sibling handed my ass to me in tekken 5. I hate that game! Thing is - I was genuinely trying to beat her - I dont 'play' when I play games, but she consistently beat the shit out of me. I pulled out all stops, even using the Capoeira chick with the big boobs - I always win with her, but to no avail. Wait till I whip out Pro Evo - we'll see who is laughing!

After Tea with the Kapades, we went to MJ's place to suit up - Thank God Haamish can tie a tie - the night before I attended my friend Ismails wedding and I had to watch a youtube video to figure out how to make a tie (MJ's family had left for Umrah by then) My tie came out quite awful - resembling something Louie Farakhan would wear - this was the Yogi Bear of formal ties it would seem.

King of the Plate

Sadly The Great One did not wear the legendary Jardosi suit that was so highly hyped. However, this failed to put a dampen on our spirits as he looked rather suave in the three button job that he wore. The menu was set at a portion of Buffalo wings - BBQ for the pussies. A 300 gram Cheddarmelt steak - Two kiddy burgers for the pussies. And a dessert round that consisted of Marshmallow Magog Pie. I feel like Nostradamus for predicting the outcome of each round. I have to point out that Waseem had a shot of diet coke ( the glass was one of those receptacles you drink tequila out of - tiny. While Haamish and Mj had jugs of coke - I think the perfect way to describe the jugs would be to call them Badhnas - you know the kinda jugs you find in the musjid toilets - yep - that's it.

Even with the huge discrepancies in beverages - Waseem still won the coveted title - Someone changed the last round to a speed round, and its a fact - I like taking my time and savouring anything I munch on - while my wife will not complain, It did little for me at KOTP.

After Spur we took a drive to Suncoast. Way i figured, Haamish doesnt get to see that many coolies in EL, so why not let spoil him. We looked like three nobs in our suits, but strange thing was - we weren't the most over dressed people there. I always end up at suncoast in a suit (even in January after Yusuf's wedding). Some guy left a comment on my chatbox saying that I'm self serving - i don't know about that, but I definitely know that I'm charming when it comes to old people, and I spent a few minutes cock-blocking Haamish as I chatted with an 80 year old birthday girl at Mugg and Bean - Even Amma's need loving. All in all - great fun, and an awesome night.


Sunday, April 06, 2008

Concerning Honey Nut Meg Something

Mj's family are back home safe, spiritually uplifted and cranially enhanced ( i think i just made that up). It was a good trip alhumdulillah. I'm generally quite a difficult person to buy for - I try on every clothing item before purchasing, Ive got a very weird unconventional wardrobe taste, and I have everything I could want. So when mum and dad asked MJ what I wanted from Saudi or Dubai, the only thing that came to mind was a new Bottle of perfume. MJ has two trademark scents - Hugo Boss (the original - which for some stupid reason is really hard to find in shops, and Lacoste Grey). Thing is - I think eau de toilettes are ridiculously over priced in South Africa, hence I would never buy one locally.

As I sat last night recalling the past three weeks for mum (dad tapped my head, smiled at me, told me he was glad that the dog had not starved and died and went to bed) I realised that there are so many things I did, and events that I attended, yet I don't blog about any of them, and I should, if only to create an awareness at least (not to show you how cool I am or anything - if I wanted to do that I'd lie in the interest section of my facebook profile). So today I'm going to mention just two in the past week. Maybe later I'll highlight some of the other stuff.

On Monday night I attended the Mail and Guardians Critical Thinking Forum. The topic was 'The New ANC and the Media'. The panel consisted of Prof Guy Berger (a familiar name to any media studies undergrad student) Cyril Madlala, Mary Papayya, Pratas Madlala and South Africas current Press Ombudsman, Joe Thloloe. It was chaired by the animated Dr Ashwin Desai, who is nothing like the character he plays in Eastern Mosaic. For me, what was rather irritating was some of the questions posed to the panel - the way I see it, you are at a media forum, so you don't ask dumb questions that you would expect from a first year journalism student. Here we have a panel of tremendously influential players in South Africas media field, and some nob asks a question, what makes something newsworthy? Its like going to a dentist forum and asking how many teeth does an adult human being have. Polokwane came up, but sadly I think we couldn't seem to move past it. At times it felt like they should have renamed the forum 'How the Sabc screwed Zuma in the lead up to Polokwane'.

Luckily I had amazing company, Sanef member, Africa Perspectives editor and fellow staff member Ayesha Mall, as well as her niece and SAFM producer Spiji Ayesha Wadvalla. (yeah - I know, I'm name dropping, but sometimes its good to highlight some of your friends achievements)

Tons of finger snacks afterwards - the lady assured me that everything was halaal, but you know that feeling when you look at something and it just has that bacon look to it, and you cant possibly believe it was halaal? So yeah - the orange juice and cheese sandwiches were delicious.

On Thursday I attended the Nakba 60 campaigns talk by Moulana Bham - the head of the Jamiatul Ulema of Transvaal. Nakba means 'day of the catastrophe' in Arabic and is a commemoration of the state of Israel. I got into a little flak at the meeting, because this chick told me that even though she has not been to Palestine, she still loves the place. So I told her that that's the same way I feel about DisneyLand. Funny thing is - immediately after the talk, Bham looked at me and said 'MJ, wheres that e-mail you promised me last year? I think he was referring to this day . good memory old chap. While I'm talking about all this stuff I need to do a proper KOTP post. hmmm