Thursday, May 24, 2007

Concerning Magic

Why Harry Potter is banned in Saudi Arabia ..

Harry Potter uses magic - all magic is haraam. Full stop.

Many off the men folk (Snape in particular) did not keep a waajib fist length beard. Haraam. Full Stop.

Harry and Ron are not Hermiones mahrams, yet she spends time with them alone. Haraam. Full Stop.

Girls are not wearing burkahs. Haraam. Full Stop.

Girls are in School. Haraam. Full Stop.

After Dumbledore dies, his picture appears in a portrait in the principals office, and the future principal can ask him for advice. This is shirk. Haraam. Full Stop.

Harry Potter has converted his miswaak into a wand. Haraam. Full Stop.

Harry Potter does not say Bismillah before performing a curse. Haraam. Full Stop.
Feel free to add - serious Potter piece forthcoming
ps - I'm feeling for cinammon and banana pancakes.

ps3 - So QL and R think my russian reversals are lame - I don't care :) i'm still gonna do them ( Mj is going through a new commenting phase. last phase was haiku mood i think - in each comment, he is going to put some lame russian reversal, as well as a derivitive of Samuel L Jacksons award winning phrase from Snakes on a plane) You have been warned.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Concerning Facebook Groups

It seems that many off the blog crew have made their way onto facebook - i guess we are all united by our incorrigible procrastination. Last night my mate created a group - 'Its facebook, not fordsburg', but i guess you could change that to Milky Lane, or musgrave, or pavilion ( wherever it is that muslim kids like to hang out these days)
You know that you're an Indian on Facebook when
1. You drop beans gravy on the keyboard while you change your status message to impress the pretty chick from Cape Town
2. Half your contacts leave messages on your wall thanking you or your aunty for the samoosas that they sent a few days ago
3. One off your albums is dedicated to your modified VW Golf
4. You have at least one contact whose profile picture is Hrithik Roshan
5. You still think Chuck Jokes are funny
6. You've highlighted Manchester United or Liverpool under your 'Interests'
7. You poke all the females in your friends list. Even the ugly ones
8. Your profile pic has you donning shades indoors
9. You constantly scan your friends contacts for new victims, because lets face it - 'we are all connections here anyway laanie'
10. You put up the Celebrity Look alike pic where you resemble Preity Zinta, and not the one where they say you look like Condeleeza Rice or Chairman Mau.
11. Since you cannot have sex, your foreplay consists of incessant poking and winky smileys like so.
and remember, In Soviet Russia, Pretty Chicks add YOU!!
Russian Reversal on the average guys facebook exploits

Monday, May 21, 2007

Concerning Manhunt

"I don't like Mondays. This livens up the day."

January 1979, 16-year-old Brenda Ann Spencer opened fire at Cleveland Elementary School. She wounded eight children and one police officer and killed two adults. She was armed with a .22 rifle. When asked why she did it, this is what she said.

May 1975, 16 year old Michael Slobodian killed a teacher and a student and wounded 13 others in a high school.

December 1993, DOOM is released on the home computer.

I'm typing up a footnote for my thesis on the link between video games and violence ( videogames are often considered to be the scapegoat of society, and are usually the first thing on everybody's mind when there is some youth related murder) I mean, whether its some high school shooting, or some tech massacre, video games become responsible. I remember discussing the Virginia Tech shooting with a friend of mine, and he was like - " Those Chinese mofos play too much Gears of War". Without lambasting the two glaring fallacies in his statement, i realised that it has become so easy to blame video games for society's screw ups, and lets not kid ourselves - anyone who walks into a civilian area and starts taking pot shots is a screw up (this statement holds true for invading as well as occupying nations too) I did a radio interview a few months ago, and i highlighted a recent case, where a violent game, Manhunt was blamed when this British kid killed another. It was soon found out that the killer didn't even own the game, but was high at the time and his motive was robbery.

I'm not saying that video games do not desensitize you, that is naive, and i know off a study that was done five years ago that does show a link between video games and aggressive behaviour (see Anderson 2002) , and often when I'm playing worms, my carnal desires manifest itself, but just because I like to blow shit up in video games, doesn't mean I'm going to take a gun and start shooting people. For the same reason that when I watch Tom and Jerry, I don't assault cats, or when I watch Johnny Bravo, I don't become a man-whore. I can draw the line between whats real and whats not (well, in everything but my life love) so we shouldn't be blaming video games for when screw ups can't . Blame apartheid or Mugabe or something.


On another note - its baby making weather - someone make me some milo!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Concerning Wolves

In Soviet Russia, Sharks beat YOU!!

I watched Pathfinder tonight - It was one off those movies that would have been amazing if you had watched it with your beloved.

I watched it with Siraj Bassa

It was awful!

Well, ok - maybe it wasn't that bad, I mean, it felt like Apocolypto in places, a cheap Braveheart in others, but for the most part, reminded me off old Indian movies, where Mithun Chakraborti decimates a bus load off bad guys all on his own. Karl Urban, who was cool in LOTR, Doom and Riddick, is very out of place in this movie - I mean, he's no Chuck Norris or anything. However, there was a really good line in the movie though - one of those reflective moments, I can't remember the lines ad verbatim, and the movie is too shitty for even imdb to list the quotes- so it went something like this

Karl's Love interest Pocahontas girl: Everyone has two wolves fighting in their heart, One for Love and one for Hate

Karl: Which one wins?

Karl's Love interest Pocahontas girl: The one you feed the most

Also, went for a talk by Palestinian activist and Journo, Ramzy Baroud - He rocked. I got a chance to be a 'pose whore' and got a quick piccie with him - Also had time to give him my 'Boycotting Coke does nothing for the Palestinian Cause' argument - I'm sure it made a change from the usual stuff people ask him.
Interesting Fact - It wasn't the Spanish weaponry that wiped out the Aztecs, but their diseases - smallpox and syphilis. So next time you want to wipe out an entire race, visit your local brothel first and remember...

In Soviet Russia, Prostitute pays YOU!!


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Concerning Russian Reversals

I'm spending alot of time on Uncyclopedia these days, and one off the things that really crack me up is the use of Russian reversals in almost every article. I first came across Russian Reversals in Family Guy (one off the best adult animated sitcoms off all time)

Anyway, A russian reversal isn't as hard as putting on a condom for the first time or anything like that, in fact - its rather simple. The general form of the Soviet Russia joke is that the subject and objects of a statement are reversed. Yes - they are lame - but thats the point. A well known one (according to wikipedia) is

“In the US, you watch television. In Soviet Russia, television watches you!”
another is
"In America you watch Big Brother." becomes "In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watches YOU!!

Here's some great ones I found on Uncyclopedia

“In Soviet Russia, This Can't Touch YOU!!'”
~ Russian Reversal on MC Hammer

“in Soviet Russia, spoon bends you!”
~ Russian reversal on matrix

“In Soviet Russia, dick sucks YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on blowjob

“In Soviet Russia, Malaysian kid adopts YOU! ”
~ Russian Reversal on Anjelina Jolie

“In Soviet Russia, motherfuckin' snakes have had it with YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Samuel L. Jackson

“In Soviet Russia, Black people don't care about YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Kanye West

some short ones

In Soviet Russia, bitch slaps YOU!!
In Soviet Russia, monkey spanks YOU!!
In Soviet Russia, cold catches YOU!!

Here's a few off my own - i'l update later. Have a go, see if you can come up with some as well - link it to pop culture, religion, whatever.

In Soviet Russia, Video Games play YOU!!
In Soviet Russia, Facebook Pokes YOU!!
In Soviet Russia, Spam deletes YOU!!
In Soviet Russia, Gmail spams YOU!!
In Soviet Russia, Mandela imprisons YOU!!

“In Soviet Russia, Luke Fathers YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on Darth Vader

Monday, May 07, 2007

Concerning MJ 'Facts'

The Chuck Norris facts have finally lost their lustre - my favourite is 'Chuck lost his virginity before his dad :) ( The Hoff had a little stint, but was no where as popular. Now, there are some guys who are giving my good friend Bilal a hard time, with some 'Bilal Facts' - some off them are funny though - I tried to get his consent to reproduce these, but the bugger logged off mxit before i could ask.

So now i'm thinking, why don't i take the piss out off Mj as well, so Joe and I created the MJ 'Facts'
Mj has finished every videogame ever made. Even the ones in development

Mj gets his order from caminettos in ten minutes

Green Day’s song, wake me up when September ends, Is a tribute to mj

Mj lent his communications model to Shannon and Weaver

Mj’s tata Indica can outrace an audi TT

Spiderman is in love with mj, but since they cant have him liking a guy, they turned her into a girl

Mj doesn’t wait in line at home affairs

Mj won the Nobel peace prize but lost it when he slapped Salman Rushdie during the ceremony

Mj’s Sega Mega Drive is modified to play Playstation 3 games

MJ knows that wrestling is fake. He still watches

Mj has been offered sex many times. But is still a virgin as he never had money on him

Mj escaped apartheid by being born in the eighties

MJ takes four minutes to register on campus

Suggestions are welcome, all I ask is that if you make a bilal or mj fact, play nice - wit over profanity