Concerning MJ

Concerning Movies (2011)

2012-01-23T07:53:00.003+02:00

This post is brought to you by Material Movie, Riaad Moosa’s new flick releasing nationwide on the 17 Feb. Riaad has been encouraging me to write more, and also break into the comedy scene. Riaad, Zain Bhikha and Hashim Amla are my three role models. I will do a post on Material Movie this week.

I have decided to use the same format as my last four year end awards (and apart from a few revisions, the text is almost identical to last years - MJ is lazy!) Don’t forget to check out Waseems list. I would have linked it but his blog is blocked on my work server.

As with all my posts/notes - its subjective. So if you disagree - by all means correct me.

Best animated movie
Rio

Worst Animated Movie
Gnomeo and Juliet

Biggest Laugh out loud moment
The aftermath of the Brazilian food – Bridesmaids

Best Comic Book Movie
X-Men first class

Best Bollywood Movie
I haven’t watched any in 2011

Best Adaptation
Sherlock Holmes 2

Best movie most people will overlook
30 Minutes or Less. (I’l watch Attack the Block tonight mirfaan)

Biggest movie thats not in my list except here just to point out that it didnt win anything
The Kings Speech

Best Sequel
Fast Five

Most surprisingly awesome
Fast Five

Worst movie Waseem picked
Sucker Punch

Best Comedy
Just Go With It

Biggest disappointment
Rango / Immortals

Worst Adaptation
Green Lantern

Worst Movie
How do you Know

Movie of the Year
Rise of the Planet of the Apes

The Nicholas Cage award for crap acting
I actually didn’t watch anything with Nicholas Cage in 2011. Good Year.

MJ
(p.s - I might change my mind if I remember something)

Its Too Late for Dholl and Rice

2012-01-19T10:56:00.004+02:00

This is a Parody of OneRepublic's and Timbalands 'Too Late to Apologize'. This is the second Timbaland song that I've parodied. the first being

http://www.mjkhan.co.za/2009/02/way-i-are-mj-style.html

Like all my parodies, it helps if you have the song playing in the background

I'm scrubbing with the soap
Picking shampoo off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
Though the shower drowns the sound
You tell me that I’m lazy
That I’m missing my salaah
But wait...
You tell me that its half one
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late for dholl* and rice, it's too late
I said it's too late for dholl and rice, it's too late

I'd take another route, take a bus, catch the second jamaat
And I need it because its free
(But that's just me showing my jaat)
Yeah yeah

I love it with the paapar, and the carrot pickle too
And I say
Spread it on a trestle, paper plates and jugs of juice
But I'm afraid

It's too late for dholl and rice, it's too late
I said it's too late for dholl and rice, it's too late
Woahooo woah

Let me know what you think

MJ

*Dholl can be replaced with Dhall depending on your geocultural leanings

Concerning Rage

2011-10-05T12:48:00.000+02:00

“No, I am not going for a shoe sale”

As I responded to the tenth BBM contact that asked me what I was going to do at Rage this weekend, I realised that the premier gaming event still needs time to embed itself in the public consciousness. This is not so much a slight on the event itself but rather a sobering observation of the industry.

Video Games are an entertainment juggernaut, far outpacing cinema, yet the stereotype of gamers being these awkward, geeky, pimply faced teens is still prevalent in mainstream media.

I attended Rage (my first one) hoping to dispel this notion, and hook up with like minded folks who can discuss objectivist philosophy in bioshock, while being able to pull off a clean headshot.

The first thing that hit me was the amount of cars at the Dome. It took me 20 minutes to find parking. I’ve been to the Dome for a few events (Cirque Du Soleil and its less elegant sister, WWE wrestling) but ‘ive never seen the place so packed. This set the mood, as I like my events to have a buzz (unlike graveyards)

The queues were frustratingly long (well, frustrating for my wife as I had a media pass) but it wasn’t like standing at home affairs. Everyone was excited for previewing new games, grabbing some gamer swag or just hoping to get a glimpse of Lara Croft.

A friend told me that Rage was just Ster Kinekor and EA showing off some games on a small monitor, and the rest of the stalls would be computer retailers, so I was glad he was completely wrong. Xbox, Ubisoft, Nintendo among others had a huge presence, but so did anime vendors and science fiction bobble-head makers. Various Retail stores were touting their goods, with Look and Listen, Cats Digital and Top CD claiming the best spots.

I spent some time interviewing Rocksteady’s Paul Crocker (interview will be uploaded in a few days) as well as Nintendo’s Matthew Grose, to get their thoughts on Batman Arkham city as well as the 3DS respectively.

The main stage was crammed with activities from demos to the obligatory dancing girls. I stuck around for freebies, but I was too far to catch any (note to self – borrow father in laws pool cleaning net for next year)

I popped in at the Lan to do an informal survey, but most of the guys had already moulded into large amorphous gaming beasts, plugged into a vast matrix of red bull and call of duty. On the plus side – Not that many pimples. Take that mainstream media!

The comparisons to E3 and the Tokyo Game Show etc will be made, but at the end of the day, I want to remember Rage for what is was – A celebration of gaming in Africa.

Mj

One Roti to Rule them All

2011-09-17T14:08:00.000+02:00

Last year I set the record for the largest roti in South Africa

Yesterday I found the video clip I took while Akash (big guy next to me) made the roti.

Enjoy.

Concerning Plasticine

2011-09-02T13:54:00.003+02:00

When I was young, there was no playstation or xbox. But I’m not that old so I did have a Nintendo with Super Mario Brothers. When I was not stomping on goombas or saving attention seeking princesses I used to play with plasticine. Multi coloured strips of modelling clay that unfortunately all tasted the same. Luckily, they weren’t for consumption (experiential learning) and I spent hours creating war time scenes between Noddy and the inhabitants of the Faraway Tree (I was messed up – I guess you can blame the plasticine).

The history of plasticine, or play-doh as its called in America is quite inspirational. Back in the early twentieth century, coal powered furnaces were the preferred choice for heaters. The sooty residue would cling onto the wallpaper and the only way to remove it was to use a clay based cleaner. Kutol Products were one of the companies that manufactured this cleaner. After World War 2 these furnaces were replaced by conversion furnaces (powered by oil or gas) This along with new wallpapers made from vinyl which could be cleaned with soapy water meant that Kutol’s wall cleaner was fast becoming a video cassette in a dvd world.

Luckily, they discovered that kids loved playing with the stuff. So they replaced the solvent smell with an almond scent, added some colouring and re-packaged it as ‘Play-Doh’. Thus saving the company, and making a fortune.

James L. Brooks touched on this story in his crappy Romcom ‘How Do You Know’ (2010) when one of the characters used the story as an analogy to drive home a great quote (in an otherwise forgettable movie)

“We are all just one small adjustment away from making our lives work.”

Lego isn’t the same as plasticine. I could build a mean lego house. But that’s about it. Plasticine doesn’t hurt your foot when you step on it. I miss moulding the world in my hands. I miss making dinosaurs and burgers. I miss plasticine.

MJ

References:

Walsh, T (2005) Timeless Toys: Classic Toys and the Playmakers Who Created Them. Andrews McMeel Publishing. (Pages 115 -119)

How Do You Know (2010) Film. James L. Brooks. United States of America. Gracie Films. Columbia Pictures.

Random Ramblings on the 21st Century Educator

2011-08-24T14:45:00.000+02:00

I am currently completing a teaching degree, in the form of three annual short learning programmes, and my first assignment is on the 21st century Educator - as opposed to the 20th Century Educator or as we used to call him at Orient, Hanif.

There is a quote from Lethal Weapon 4 ( 1998 ) that has helped me understand 21st Century educators. It might seem like an unlikely reference

Capt. Ed Murphy: We're dinosaurs headed for extinction.

Martin Riggs: Speak for yourself...

Capt. Ed Murphy: Gotta make way for the NEW-IMPROVED police department; guys with guns and psychology degrees, like Butters, out there.

Similarly, our roles have been redefined and are constantly changing- the hierarchy or authority as it were, is changing due to technological determinism. The educator is no more seen as being the infallible authority, but rather a sometimes hesitant navigator.

The Visionary (one who sees the potential in new technologies and web developments) is perhaps the most difficult to apply in our context. Creativity versus Practicality - To what extent do we draw on First World tools and empower students with skills that they will not use, for markets that do not exist here. So while its cool that everything is digital and that South Korea is replacing text books with ipads (web 1) - can we implement something like this in South Africa?

I think a visionary in our context should be creative, but within practical limits like NQF outcomes or student levels of comprehension. It isn’t fair to impose and assume that the students will see the bigger picture, when for many of us - it only clicked at postgrad. I know this sounds presumptuous, and I don’t want to dismiss student ability, but I do not want a situation where I use a term like visionary just to feed my own ego.

There is a piece of technology that every student brings to the class-room. Cell-phones. Traditionally, cellphones were something that was frowned upon. Distractions that did not belong in the teaching environment. But how can you be an effective journalist without twitter? Or an Aspiring Account manager without a facebook presence?

Social Media has not only redefined organisational culture, but also the culture of work. We are moving from a monochromatic understanding of time to working with deadlines in mind. One of the students whose B Tech I'm supervising is currently doing research on how twitter has supplanted radio when it comes to breaking news. The world is changing, its up to the classroom to catch up.

Concerning Ramadan 1432

2011-08-02T09:19:00.003+02:00

My first Ramadan as a married man.

I feel that Ramadan is something that hits me - like a burst of water from a faucet. Cold water.

I am never prepared for it. I could probably let it run for a bit but I feel like im wasting it. The water, not Ramadan. Ramadan coincided with my promotion at work, so its blessed, but also more challenging. Luckily I have Corpsekicker with me, as I dont think I would enjoy Ramadan alone. Is it bad to say that my Ramadan calendar is actually a Countdown to Eid calendar?

I miss Moulana Yunus Patel.

He is one of the things I associate with Ramadan. Him, samoosas, radio Al-Ansaar, milkshakes, no tv, and my dad taking me to the musjid for taraweeh. I miss my dad. I cant imagine how my friend feels without his. Spare a dua for his dad, and mine. I'l spare one for yours.

Taraweeh in Joburg is weird - because you layer up for the cold, but inside its warm and brotherly. The Sandton musjid is like that - soupy. Speaking of which - I'm never taking naan for granted again. my local checkers does not stock it. Clearly the 'breads of the world' sign needs a rethink. More like breads of France.

I don't use the word faucet - i don't know why I typed it. Tap suffices.

Inappropriate Call-Me's

2011-07-29T09:36:00.003+02:00

We drove past an 8ta billboard promoting its free call-me service, and Kareema and I started reminiscing about the time we used to get flooded with call-me's (before BBm and whatsapp came along) Mxit was around back then, but you had to log in to see messages.

For those who don't know - a call-me is the text equivalent of a collect call. The format of a call-me is similar across all networks with the occasional advertising message thrown in to sponsor the text. They all start with 'Please Call' and give you about 10 letters to pop your name in.

So we played around with this and thought of a few inappropriate ones - feel free to add as long as the letter count does not go over 10 letters.

Please Call 'Nani died'

Please Call 'It's over'

Please Call 'You're fired'

Please Call 'Talaq'

Please Call 'I'm Pregnant'

Concerning Sai Baba

2011-06-23T15:43:00.000+02:00

There is a sweetness in marriage. Wholesome. Yet dizzying. Like when your diabetic grandmother eats a kilo of burfee on Eid day. Burfee is like crack for old Indian ladies with diabetes. We dont get a lot of crack this side. All the kids are killing themselves with deodrant and mr min.

Sai Baba passed away two months ago and I was quite disappointed with the forwarded crap I got on BBM (I get a lot of crap, but thats for another blog) Lots of jokes and things from some of my muslim friends. I didnt agree with some of Sai Baba's philosophies (I agreed with a lot of what he preached too) but i'm sick of the intolerance shown by Muslim friends towards other religions.

And its not just the jokes about Sai Baba, but this general culture of forwarding unverified nonsense. It is so easy to click retweet, or share or broadcast something that often people do it without thinking. We dont even realise that some of these forwards lead us away from Islam - I got one today about the Mayan apocolypse (I was hoping the crappy John Cusack movie would have stifled these forwards) and the guy ended the broadcast message with - this is no joke - qiyamat is on 21 December 2012. No one apart from God knows when the last day will come. No one.

Then we have all the 'this is haraam, that is haraam' forwards - some of which dont even make sense. McCain peas are haraam now? really. Which idiot thinks that the peas are contaminated by pork?

This is a double edged sword - The internet as a medium differs from traditional media - in many way it is like (spoiler alert) the deformed baby at Kings Cross in the last Harry Potter book - sometimes you just need to ignore it. By making a big noise about websites just creates awareness. The internet is a pull media, meaning that you actually seek out what you want - like when you google a product. This is different from traditional media which is push - like television. Internet sites depend on hits, and this increases their value. However, sometimes making a noise works - some asshole created a facebook page called 'My name is Khan 2010' to slander and insult Hindus. Not many people knew about it at first, but once it was publicised, the groundswell was enough for the admin folks at facebook to sit up and take notice.

We live in an information age, yet the degree of ignorance and intolerance is shocking. Black eyed Peas asked - Where is the Love?, As my boy Zain Bhikha says - First we need the love. As Sai Baba said - The mind sees separateness, LOVE sees unity.

My name is Khan and I am not a bigot

MJ

Concerning Shirk

2011-06-22T12:49:00.002+02:00

The imam at last weeks Jumuah was discussing shirk (associating partners with God) and how it is everywhere. In movies, sport and a myriad of entertainment vehicles. He stated that Hollywood is very blatant when it comes to propagating shirk. So this got me thinking, what if Tinseltown really went all out with this. And before I get any hate-mail (or anonymous formspring vitriol) im not undermining the essence or severity of shirk, merely thinking about what the imam said. I did a similar post four years ago (geez ive been blogging for a while) where I replaced a word in a movie title with Gandhi. I want to tweak this so that its more than just a title, but also a synopsis, quote or tagline. As with all my posts, please feel free to add some in the comments section

Harry Potter and the Philosophers shirk

Harry, Ron and Hermione have to expose Nietzsche's shirk that God is dead.

Incepshirk

Shirk within a shirk

Shirk Forever After

Shrek has to fight Lord Furquaad who has proclaimed himself to be God

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans shirk

Tia Dalma brought Barbossa back from the dead

LOTR: The fellowship of the Shirk

Nine companions believe that they can destroy the ring without Gods help

To shirk with Love

Pupils raise the status of Mr Thackeray to levels that border on polytheism

Star Wars: Revenge of the Shirk

Palpatine claims to be the most powerful being in the galaxy

Jurassic Shirk

Dr Ian Malcolm : God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. man destroys God.

A few titles on their own

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Shirk
Chronicles of Narnia: The lion, the shirk and the wardrobe
Shirk white and the seven idols
Not another shirk movie
Shirk and the City

Feel free to add your own.

MJ

When Muslims take over Hollywood

2011-06-15T15:47:00.000+02:00

My wife complains that I am only writing Muslim humour pieces so sweetheart, I promise this will be the last one I write for a while (the next one will be about advertising practises in South Africa)

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with Masood. Imagine if some wealthy Arabs bought the rights to some of the biggest movies, and wanted to islamicise them for local audiences.

May the fardh be with you - Hamid Solo (Empire strikes back)

You had me at Salaams - Dujana Boyd (Jerry Maguire)

I love the smell of Attar in the morning - Colonel Bilal Kilgore (Apocalypse Now)

Ijtihad, my dear Watson - Shakeel Holmes (Sherlock Holmes)

They can take our lives, but they'l never take our Izzat - Waleed Wallace (Braveheart)

This one time, at mias farm - mashooda flaherty (American Pie)

But why is all the zamzam gone? Captain Junaid sparrow (pirates of the caribbean)

What we give in sadaqatul jaaria echoes in eternity - Maqmoodimus (Gladiator)

Feel free to add more in the comments sections

Osama sings I get the Stekkies

2011-05-23T13:14:00.005+02:00

This is a solidarity post in response to the unwarranted criticism that Riaad Moosa got for his 'Missing you video' (feat Simmi Areff) on LNN last week. I think Riaad is a fantastic role model for Islam and while the platform he is on isn’t dawah centric or oriented, he still gets to articulate a Muslim response that is lacking in our current media landscape. Three weeks ago he said that not all Muslims supported Osama and that many of us did not have an issue with him being killed, but rather, it was the manner in which it was done (no trial or anything) Which brings me to today’s post which is my first post in three months (married life is great)

The attack of the Indian werewolf has been a huge success, and I’m really thrilled with the reception and feedback that we have been getting on the Facebook fan page. One of the big hits from the movie has been the 'I get the Stekkies' song, so I was thinking, since I parody all these famous singers, why not parody a song from our movie.

Imagine if Osama bin Laden sang it. Best to have it playing in the background to get the tune.

I get the Virgins

I get the virgins, you get the nafs
I get the virgins, you get the nafs

I step in the mosque and they all look at me
But they don’t look at you
Because I’m the O.B
Overtop Ballie with a overtop whudu
I came with ghusl, there’s a bucket for you

Too many sunnats bra
Just reading over here
Got from fajr to asr, even before maghrib is near

Me I don’t whine, but Jihad is on decline
Jihad in the Balkans, Jihad in Palestine
Not much Jihad bah, I don't know what to do
But I outsource some to Hizbullah, here’s one for you bru

Americans try to find me, like a game of hide and seek
Someone come and get me, I need to take a leak
I don’t roll with Musharaf, I think he is a puppet
I only smaak the Taliban, because they tell the yanks to stuff it
With no signal in my cave, you think I will be stressing
When I get one bar of signal all I get are jumuah mubarak message

I get the virgins, you get the nafs
Don’t be upset akhi, just fill the safs
You get hidayat and all you do is sin
I get hidayat and all i do is win!

I got so many virgins ekse, I even got them picking my pomegranates
When my bras ask me why i fly planes, i say 'hey, virgins'
I get the virgins

The Salaah Network

2011-02-23T15:21:00.003+02:00

MJ
(credit for pic)

Concerning Movies (2010)

2011-01-19T13:55:00.001+02:00

This post is brought to you by Attack of The Indian Werewolf, MJ's movie debut releasing at Suncoast Casino and Entertainment World this Friday (21st January)

My annual movie awards returneth.

I have decided to use the same format as my last three year end awards (and apart from a few revisions, the text is almost identical to last years - MJ is lazy!)

As with all my posts/notes - its subjective. So if you disagree - by all means correct me.

Best animated movie
Toy Story 3

Worst Animated Movie
Planet 51

Best Comic Book Movie
Kick-Ass

Best Bollywood Movie
My name is Khan - kinda wins by default as it is the only Bollywood movie I caught last year.

Best Adaptation
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1

Best movie most people will overlook
Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Crappiest Sequel
Shrek forever After

Best Movie experience
Machete

Biggest movie thats not in my list except here just to point out that it didnt win anything
Inception

Best Sequel
Resident Evil: Afterlife

Most surprisingly awesome
The A-Team

Worst movie Waseem picked
Clash of the Titans

Best Comedy
Cop Out

Biggest disappointment
Robin Hood

Worst Adaptation
Macgruber

Worst Popcorn
Pavilion

Best Popcorn
Cinema Nouveau Gateway

Worst Movie
Jonah Hex

Movie of the Year
Kick-Ass

The Nicholas Cage award for crap acting
The Sorcerers Apprentice (although this wasnt as bad as his previous roles)

MJ
(p.s - I might change my mind if I remember something)

I shouldnt have to write this blog

2011-01-13T10:13:00.005+02:00

I shouldn't have to ask grown men to be quiet during the khutbah.

There shouldn't be empty shoe racks while sandals and sneakers are scattered all over the floor

There shouldn't have to be six signs in the whudu khana reminding us not to waste water

There shouldn't be 46 inch flat screens when the Muezzin doesnt have decent shoes

There shouldn't be people who stand and leave immediately after salaam, walking out with their hands outstretched like they're carrying water, just so that they can avoid the rush. If the dua was so 'heavy', why not wait till its completed?

The toilets shouldn't be filthy and flooded

The Ladies facilities shouldn't resemble a prison cell. We shouldn't think we are doing them a favour when we 'let them pray'.

I shouldn't have to write this blog

This is not me being pretentious or holier than thou. This is me being despondent.

MJ

Concerning Pulp Fiction - MJ Style

2011-01-12T12:30:00.002+02:00

This is a disclaimer of sorts. While I never use profanity when writing a 'MJ halaal parody", I felt that if I didn't include it in this piece, it would detract from the tone and style of it. So if you're offended by profanity, I do not suggest you read this piece.

If you're still with me - Enjoy :)

INT. '86 COROLLA (MOVING) - MORNING
An old gas guzzling, dirty, white 1986 Toyota Corolla barrels down a noisy street in Overport. In the front seat are two middle age fellas -- one white, one black -- both wearing cheap white kurtaahs with knitted topis and waistcoats. Their names are VINCENT VEGA (white) and JULES WINNFIELD
(black). Jules is behind the wheel.

JULES
okay now, tell me about this chicken saga?

VINCENT
What do you want to know?

JULES
Well, they say its haraam now, right?

VINCENT
Well, the majlis says its haraam, and so do the 'scholars of truth which is basically the majlis. but so does Mufti Elias.

JULES
I don’t get it. Why are they saying its haraam?

VINCENT
It breaks down like this: the majlis claim the cutting is haraam, the conditions that
they are kept in is haraam, and even if the slaughterers made
zabah correctly, it doesn't really matter 'cause – get a load of this -- they say the chickens are dead before they even get slaughtered because of the electrocution and shit.

JULES
That did it, man -- I'm fuckin' moving to azaadville.

VINCENT
You'll dig it man. But you know what the funniest thing about Joburg is?

JULES
What?

VINCENT
It's the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got here, they got there, but there it’s a little differences

JULES
Examples?

VINCENT
Well, in Pretoria, you can buy that dry choria crap you like anywhere. And I don't mean in these corner shops and superettes either. I'm talking about garages and checkers and shit. Also, you know what they call foosball in joburg?

JULES
They don't call it table soccer?

VINCENT
No, they got Lenasia there, they’ve got some other weird name for it.

JULES
What'd they call it?

VINCENT
Tata Box.

JULES
(repeating)
Tata Box. What'd they call a Sparkport?

VINCENT
A sparkport’s a sparkport, but they prefer akhalwayas

JULES
What do they call the Subway Melt?

VINCENT
I dunno, I couldn’t find a halaal subway. But you know what they call Simba chips over there?

JULES
What?

VINCENT
Crisps

JULES
Goddamn!

VINCENT
I hear them sayin it. And I don’t mean just the little kids. Everyone!

JULES
Uurgh!

CUT TO:
INT. (TRUNK) - MORNING 3.

The trunk Chevy OPENS UP, Jules and Vincent reach inside, taking out two large miswaks, swinging them around like baseball bats

JULES
We should have rocks for this kind of deal.

VINCENT
Why? Are we dealing with shaitaans or adulterers or something? How many up there?

JULES
Three or four.

VINCENT
Counting our guy?

JULES
I'm not sure.

VINCENT
So there could be five guys up
there?

JULES
It's possible.

VINCENT
We should have fuckin' boulders.

They CLOSE the trunk.

CUT TO:

4. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING COURTYARD - MORNING 4.

Vincent and Jules, walk through a block of flats.

We TRACK alongside.

VINCENT
Will we be finished after zuhr? I have to take Marsellus’s wife out for
Ramadan shopping.

JULES
Mia?

VINCENT
Yeah, well how many does he have?

JULES
Best you watch your tongue, and your ass. Mr Wallace is very possessive of his Mia

VINCENT
It’s not a date, I’m just taking her to buy her Ramadan supplies.
Pastries and shit

JULES
You remember Antwan Rockamora? Half-sunni, half-tablighi, usta call him Tony Ghusht Salaami.

VINCENT
Yeah maybe, smelled like rose water yeah?

JULES
I wouldn't go so far as to identify him by a distinctive smell. What's the nigger gonna do, he likes meelads.

VINCENT
I think I know who you mean, what about him?

JULES
Well, Marsellus fucked his ass up good. And word around the zikr circle, it was on account of Marsellus Wallace's wife.

The elevator arrives, the men step inside.

6. INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING 6.

VINCENT
Hold up, I don’t want to make gheebat.

JULES
Well fuck you then, just be extra cautious today that’s all. No need to be tasting that Eid milk.

7. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - MORNING 7.

STEADICAM in front of Jules and Vincent as they make a beeline down the hall.
They knock on the door

8. INT. APARTMENT (ROOM 49) - MORNING 8.

THREE YOUNG GUYS, obviously in over their heads, sit at a table with burgers, chips (not crisps) and cold drink laid out.

One of them flips the LOUD BOLT on the door, opening it to REVEAL Jules and Vincent in the hallway.

JULES
Salaams kids.

The two men stroll inside.

Vincent and Jules take in the place, with their hands in their pockets. Jules is the one who does the talking.

JULES
How you boys doin'?

No answer.

JULES
(to Brett)
Am I trippin', or did no one teach you adab?.

BRETT
We're doin' okay.

As Jules and Brett talk, Vincent moves behind the young Guys.

JULES
Do you know who we are?

Brett shakes his head: "No."

JULES
We're associates of Grand Mufti Marsellus Wallace. You do remember meeting MuftiSaab when you moved into this neighbourhood don’t you?

No answer.

JULES
(to Brett)
Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're Brett, right?

BRETT
I'm Brett.

JULES
I thought so. Well, you remember Mufti Marsellus Wallace, dont'ya Brett?

BRETT
I remember him.

JULES
Good. Looks like me and Vincent caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha havin'?

BRETT
BURGERS.

JULES
Burgers. The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kinda burgers?

BRETT
Cheeseburgers.

JULES
No, I mean where did you get'em? Jolly Grubber, mochachos, Copper Chimney, where?

BRETT
Purple Burger.

JULES
Purple Burger. That's that new burger joint next to caminettos. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

BRETT
They're good.

JULES
Mind if I try one of yours?

BRETT
No.

JULES
Yours is this one, right?

BRETT
Yeah.

Jules grabs the burgern pauses to say bismillah and takes a bite of it.

JULES
Uuummmm, this is a tasty burger.
(to Vincent)
Vincent, you ever try a Purple Burger?

VINCENT
No.

Jules holds out the burger.

JULES
You wanna bite, they're real good.

VINCENT
I ain't hungry.

JULES
Well, if you like burgers give 'em a try sometime. Me, I can't usually eat 'em 'cause my wife is from India. Which pretty much means I have to eat bhaaji and curry and shit, but I sure love the taste of a good burger.

(he points to a fast
food drink cup)
What's in this?

BRETT
Coke.

JULES
Coke, good, better not be fucking with me and telling me its coke when its crerars. Id kill a motherfucker if he made me drink crerars. Mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?

BRETT
Sure.

Jules grabs the cup. Sits down and takes a sip.

JULES
alhumdulillah. hit's the spot! Now when you moved to this neighbourhood you made a promise to Mufti Wallace that you would not peddle any narcotics. Word on the street is that you have not kept to your word. Do you know what an Amaanat is Brett?

BRETT
(to Jules)
Look, what's your name? I got his name's Vincent, but what's yours?

JULES
My name's Zabr, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta your qabr.

BRETT
I just want you to know how sorry we are about how fucked up things got between us and Mufti Wallace. We promised him we wouldn’t be selling drugs, it was a mistake. A one time slip.

As Brett talks, Jules takes out his miswak and beats Roger over the head.

Brett is shocked

JULES
(to Brett)
Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your Concentration? What did the Mufti say about dealing cocaine?

Brett still can't speak.

JULES
What madhab you from!

BRETT
(petrified)
Jee?

JULES
"Jee" ain't no madhab I know! Do they speak Arabic in "Jee?"

BRETT
(near heart attack)
Jee?

JULES
Arabic-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?

BRETT
Na’aam.

JULES
Then you understand what I'm sayin'?

BRETT
Na’aam.

JULES
So what did the Mufti tell you about selling cocaine

BRETT
(out of fear)
Jee?

Jules takes his miswak and swings it once

JULES
Say "jee" again! C'mon, say "jee" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "jee" one more goddamn time!

Brett is regressing on the spot.

JULES
Now describe to me what Mufti Wallace looks like

Brett does his best.

BRETT
Well he's ...he's...black --

JULES
-- go on!

BRETT
...and he… he has a .. beard --

JULES
-- did you give him mahr?!

BRETT
(without thinking)
huh?

Jules' eyes go to Vincent, Vincent smirks, Jules rolls his eyes and hits Brett across the face

Brett SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the
chair.

JULES
Did you give him Mahr?!

BRETT
(in agony)
No.

JULES
Then why you try to fuck 'im like you did?!

BRETT
(in spasm)
I didn't.

Now in a lower voice.

JULES
Yes ya did Brett. Yes you did. You ever read the Quraan, Brett?

BRETT
(in spasm)
Yes.

JULES
There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: surah nisaa ayats 105 to 106.

“We have sent down to thee the Book in truth, that thou mightest judge between men, as guided by God: so be not (used) as an advocate by those who betray their trust; But seek the forgiveness of God; for God is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.”.

BUT I AM NOT!

The two men beat Brett with their miswaaks.

MJ

Concerning Johannesburg

2010-12-07T02:31:00.003+02:00

I dont think I can live without my pc.

The xbox has been packed for days now, the wii for months (I think the wii knew I was moving to Johannesburg before I did) along with my tops, books and clean underwear. But I have yet to unplug my pc.

Its not like im working on a cure for the Aids virus or anything, and my blackberry does a decent job of retrieving my e-mail, but I love my pc.

If television is a window to the world, then a pc is a cobblestone pathway you can use to explore that world. Sure, you occasionally get malicious creatures who use that pathway to shit on your lawn (we call them viruses) but theres a conversation happening. Even now, as you read this, we are engaging on some level, and thats what fascinates me about new media. I was looking at TV's today, and theres a whole bunch of new ones that allow you to tweet using the TV. Thats a bit silly, but the option alone indicates that theres a perceived market for this. I was going through the 40 inch models (Tv's, not hamish sized people) and the salesperson came up to me and said "I know you'd like a few more inches" and instinctively I thought, "Thats what she said", but after that I was like "Does makro have a cctv in my shower?" I'm not sure if that would be good entertainment though - All I do is sing Taylor Swifts 'Love Story' and that 'you and me baby aint nothing but mammals' song really loudly.

I wouldnt want my tv to tweet every time I watch something. Its embarrassing if people knew how often I watch Superbad.

As I pack, I realise what a hoarder I am. I have a room full of stuff, but very little that I actually want to take. My life fits in 8 little cardboard boxes.

I'm anxious about moving. Often people will use the word anxious when they mean eager, and while I am eager, i'm also a little scared. You cant pack everything into a sunlight soap box (I dont know where Fayaz found them) But I am MJ Khan, and that means i'm always optimistic so i'm hoping the anxiety is purely due to how far all the food places are in Johannesburg.

I have this perception of Jozi (Its too early for me to refer to it as Jozi) one that is so often contradicted by friends I have made through the blogosphere, but it refuses to melt. I guess we are so used to the familiar, that its hard to change.

Two years ago I had a job interview at UJ, and while I love the campus (more specifically, the Communication and Media Studies department) I never thought I would leave Durban. And I dont think I would have now either, if it werent for Corpsekicker (insert brownie points here)

This week I take my second step, and while i'm a little scared, i'm also very excited. I guess the point of this blog is to inform all my Johannesburg friends that I am available for supper every weekday and there's no need to take out the good china. I'm interested in your food, and your mummy, not your crockery.

Everyone is welcome to my place for supper. I cannot assemble the tv unit on my own. Bring a coke and a screwdriver :)

MJ

p.s *I used the word Johannesburg five times in this post.

p.p.s *So lets do it like they do on the discovery channel

Concerning Bacon

2010-11-16T04:40:00.005+02:00

I wanted to try and do an 'arrivals style video blog (but a parody of course) This is my first attempt at using movie maker and at making a video. Let me know what you think.

The New Pork Order
MJ Khan

Tonight i reveal the truth concerning the Illuminati's greatest weapon against the Ummah

The new Pork Order, has its roots in 18th Century France when Queen Marie Antoinette famously said, 'Let them eat cake'. The thought of eating a gelatin laden confectionery enraged the Muslim minority who up till then, comprised mostly of respectable soccer players, who would never swear their coach during a world cup game.

Having realised the power of psychological manipulation, the Elders of Bacon conspired to ensure that Pork be at the forefront of the war against Muslims.

They did this by creating a body called the South African National Ham association whose job it was to make sure that every product that is created contains Pig.

from soft drinks like Fanta where pigs are dipped in vats of the concentrated syrups, to traces of bacon in the lithium ion batteries used by many modern electrical appliances. Even the ceramic plates of your hair straightener is contaminated with swine.

The entertainment industry is saturated to references to the pigs, a psychological battle for the control of our childrens minds.

They have even created a replacement for oxygen called hamogen.

MJ

Concerning Cement

2010-11-06T02:07:00.001+02:00

You don't want to be the unpopped kernel lying at the bottom of the bowl.

All that salt and flavouring. And no ones going to pick you up.

Someones playing with fireworks at two in the morning. Rebelling against the night. Fighting the silence. he thinks he is a hero, everyone else thinks he is an inconsiderate prick.

The worst type of silence is when you open a bottle of coke and you realise its flat. I think the saying 'you don't appreciate what you have until its gone' was in reference to the gas in the coke.

I don't like fine print because it always sobers you up. I think its a sign that I'm maturing. Kids don't have to read fine print. Because when we are kids, a plastic bag is just one more obstacle between us and the toy. Choking Hazards..pfft.

Looking for a job is depressing. Everyone wants work experience. I have a lot of experience in lecturing and teaching, and to me, its just another teaspoon of sugar in the cup of tea but no one sees it that way. Maybe I should stick to lecturing. I enjoy it. But it doesn't offer a challenge. Unless i teach Computer science in Greek or something like that. But a challenge for challenge sake is stupid. I want to try my hand at advertising. I think I'll be pretty decent at it. Conceptualising and copywriting. Not graphic design. I'm crap at that. I want someone to put me in a room. Throw a product at me and say 'You have six minutes, come up with as many ideas as you can to sell this product'. Unless its cement, then I don't want it thrown at me. It can be left by the door. Id love to sell cement. Its not like selling perfume. You dont need half naked girls on top of it. You don't need half naked butch guys either. Its not Carling Black Label. I'm going to e-mail the lady at Damelin now.

I just need a chance I guess. I don't want to be a kernel lying at the bottom of the bowl.

MJ

Concerning Philosoraptors

2010-11-04T17:02:00.003+02:00

There is a popular meme called philosoraptor, so i decided to play around with it and come up with a few of my own.

MJ

its a lot of fun - heres a cool site if you want to make your own.

Concerning Heroism

2010-10-23T14:50:00.001+02:00

(wrote this for a silly competition on 'my most heroic moment')

Heroism is often described as bravery, gallantry and fortitude.

But since I'm still having problems with three syllable words, I have no idea what any of that means.

For me heroism is a combination of dashing good looks, foolhardy decisions, and the lack of a little voice which tells me that sticking my hand in a biltong shredder is counter-productive. (whatever that means - damn syllables)

It was either Buddha or Optimus Prime who said "fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing"

To choose one heroic moment among the dozen is difficult. Mostly because I'm usually unconscious when they happen. like the time I saw the iceberg and hit my head before I could warn the captain, or even when I was supposed to be keeping an eye on Kanye West at that movie awards and mistakenly got punched in the face by Queen Latifah when I told her she was great in Precious.

So here I was on a yacht with former wrestler Carlito, former Tennis superstar Pete Sampras, former Heroes star Milo Ventimiglisomething and former American President Bill Clinton. Aah yes, the 'S.S Washed up' was brimming with hacks. And I dont mean the type who break into wikipedia and edit the 'Woolworths' page.

The Peter Petrelli guy wanted to go fishing because he heard that the Loch Ness monster lived in water. Bill Clinton tried to convince him that we were sailing on the Pacific Ocean but since the whole Monica Lewisnky thing, Big Willies credibility is worthless. So we all lined up, facing starboard ( I googled that) and cast our lines into the ocean. Everyone but Pete Sampras who complained about something called 'Tennis elbow'. I think he picked it up while playing wii sports.

Within a few minutes the Heroes dude was jerked forward by a sudden tug on his line. Could the legend of Nessie actually be true? And if it was, why was Fate allowing this guy to catch it and not someone cooler like Charlie Sheen? Before I could continue my train of thought between who was a better tv star, Two and a Half Mens Charlie or CSI's Grissom, (who incidently was on the yacht with us, I heard a shriek that sounded like a little girl who had been hit by an old rear projection tv. One of those big ones that rich people used to own before plasmas were invented.

Turns out that Vanilla Ice and some other wash-outs were scuba diving in the exact spot where we had cast our lines, and that Milo 'Petrelli' managed to snag Ice by the mouth.

Without hesitating I jumped past Russel Crowe and snipped the line using a swiss army knife that was all the rage in the late eighties. I dont know what I was doing with a swiss army knife at the time, I mean, seriously, we all have one but we never ever use it. They should put a nailclipper in it. So anyway - I cut the line and saved Vanilla Ice who went on to star in a Castle Light advert which was huge in South Africa. It was because of this incident that Mariah Carey sang the song 'And then an MJ came along, with the strength to carry on'.

True Story.

Yeah, I think it was Optimus Prime who said that.

Concerning the Old Spice Man

2010-10-11T22:03:00.004+02:00

I really love the Old Spice commercial, so decided to record my own version using my phone. I want to do a video for this, but since i'm alone at home at the moment i'l have to do it another time.

Heres the audio clip

"Hello Musallees. Look at your salaah, now back to mine. Now back at your salaah. Now back to mine. Sadly your salaah isnt like mine. But if you stop hunching your back and switch to proper posture, it could look like mine. Look right. Look left. What was that? youre supposed to be making salaam to your shoulder angels. Now raise your hands for dua. Back at me. I know, its a supplication for that thing you love. Look again, the Duas are now diamonds! Anything is possible when your salaah is performed properly and correctly. I'm on a rug"

Concerning The Godfather - MJ Style

2010-10-05T15:47:00.001+02:00

FADE FROM BLACK: Int. of Don Khaneoles home office - day

BABBOO ESSA (seated in front of the Don's desk, facing the camera)

I believe in hardware. Hardware has made my fortune. Hardware has taught me izzat (respect) I have tried to instill this izzat in my daughter -- I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend; not a Tablighi. She went for a qawali with him; she stayed out till fajr . I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another mureed. They made her drink niaz kheer at a Meelad. And then they tried to make her stand for salaami.

Now she wants to recite naath sharif at a urs!

I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life -- beautiful girl. Now she will be a deviate.

[Babboo Essa breaks down. The Don gestures to Shaheen to give Babboo Essa some water]

maaf...

[Babboo Essa, taking the glass with his right hand]

I went to the Jamiat, like a good Muslim. They urged me to be patient. To provide emotional support for my daughter, but I cannot! I said to my wife, "for haq! We must go to Don Khaneole."

Younus Khaneole (sitting behind his desk, holding a tasbeeh)

Why does this issue weigh your heart? She is still part of the ahlus Sunnah. She has not turned apostate, or even worse, into a Baha’i.

BABBOO ESSA

Don, you need to bring her back to the straight path

DON KHANEOLE

We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you came to me for mashurah. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for tea and samoosas, even though my wife is your chotifois daughter in law on Fathimas side. But this is not right. You come into my home on the day of my daughters nikkah and ask me to condemn yours because shes taken an interest in a different school of thought. I believe in Unity Babboo. In uniting the families. And you want me to pass judgement on who is right and wrong! I’m reading durood sharif and counting to ten. You better be out of my house by the time I reach ten!

BABBOO ESSA

Make maaf Don Khaneole, I meant no disrespect. I see the error in my ways. I shall embrace her, and I promise I will no let three days go without us not saying a word to each other.

DON KHANEOLE

Respect differences in opinion

BABBOO ESSA (as he leaves the room)

Shukran bhai Saab

CUT TO: Luca Bhai in Don Khaneoles office -day

LUCA BHAI (after kissing the Don's left cheek)

Don Khaneole, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your daugh-- ter's nikkah

(then, after realizing he messed up his rehearsed lines, he fails to recover)

...on the day of your daughter's nikkah. And I hope that their first child is a haafizul Quraan. I pledge my ever-ending loyalty. --

[Playing kids run into the room and then are escorted out by Taahir]

(then, as Luca hands Don Khaneole a cash-filled envelope)

A Kuncha from me

DON KHANEOLE

Thank you, Luca, my most valued friend.

LUCA BHAI

Don Khaneole, I'm gonna leave you now, because I know it is almost time for asr

DON KHANEOLE

Thank you.

[Taahir escorts Luca out]

[OutSide: Screaming of joy from the party outside]

DON KHANEOLE

What is that outside?

CUT TO: Outside, Zain Bhikha enters the party, signing autographs

CONNIE BEN(while running up to Zain)

Zain! Zain! You’ve come!

CUT TO: Don's office. The Don is looking out the window

DON

He came all the way from Johannesburg to come to the wedding; I told you he was going to come.

TAAHIR

It's been four years since Mountains of Mecca; He is promoting that new album of his. The one with his kid.

DON

He's a good godson.

CUT TO: Bandstand area -day

MAMA KHANEOLE

Zain, Zain! Sing a Nasheed.

[the crowd encourages Zain, and he gives in]

CUT TO: Mikaeel and Kay's table -day

KAY

Mik, you never told me you knew Zain Bhikha!

MIKAEEL

Sure... You wanna meet him?

KAY

Huh? Oh, well, sure!

MIKAEEL

My father helped him with his career.

ZAIN BHIKHA (OS - outside)

For my sister on her wedding

KAY

He did? How?

ZAIN (OS, singing "Zamilooni")

"He stepped inside his home..."

MIKAEEL

Let's listen to the song...

KAY

Oh, Mikaeel...

CUT TO: Zain singing to Connie, who's seated. Then PAN the crowd cheering and

screaming as Zain sings

ZAIN (singing, continues)

"...she was a woman of nobility / successful in all her trade / many wealthy men have asked for her / She had turned them all away / but when she saw Muhammed, a shining moon..."

KAY

Please, Mikaeel, tell me.

ZAIN (OS, continues the nasheed)

"He was a light for her / so right for her..."

MIKAEEL

Zain started off small. Back in 94 when no one was doing English nasheeds. He had no backing or anything so his first album, ‘A Way of Life’ was self published. It got big, and big quick. Before you knew it, everyone was clamouring to work with him. Yusuf Islam, Dawud Wharnsby, Raihaan you name it. So Zain signed up with Jamal records about five years later and bham, exploded into the Global scene. In 2005 Dad told Zain that he needed to create his own Label, and ‘Mountains of Mecca’ was the first album they produced together.

[The song is finished, and we hear applause. The Don goes out to meet and hug Zain]

DON (to the surrounding guests)

My godson comes all the way from Johannesburg...give him a glass of sarbat

ZAIN (whispers into the Don's ear that he wants to talk to him)

DON KHANEOLE

I'll take care of it.

CUT TO: Zain Bhikha in the Don's office. -day

ZAIN

I don't know what to do. Theres a huge Nasheed Extravaganza in London next month. Its billed as the ‘Night of Classics’. It will be a great opportunity to market my new single, ‘First we need the Love’. Yusufs performing Tala Al Badru Alaina, and Dawud is doing ‘Sing children of the world’. I want to perform Mountains of Mecca and ‘His name is Muhammed’ but the producer wont give me a slot as I didn’t want to record a single with that new Muslim Rock Band ‘Red Hot Shariah Peppers’. You know I only use vocal percussion and daff Godfather.

DON

What's his name?

ZAIN

Waleed -- Waleed. He -- He won't give me a slot -- and ah, he says there's no chance. No chance.

DON

Dont worry my son, It will all be taken care off. I’l make him an offer he cant refuse. Now go enjoy the wedding, the haleem is about to be served.

*End of Act One*

(This movie is too long to parody in a single post, so I'l split it up into like four blogposts)

(and yes - I love Zain Bhikha!)

Eid repost - The Night Before Eid

2010-09-09T21:18:00.002+02:00

The Night Before Eid by MJ Khan
(adapted from Clement Clarke Moore's A night before Christmas)

'Twas the night before Eid, when all through the house
Only Daadima was scuttling around in her yellowed beige blouse;
The musallahs were kept neatly next to the front door,
Lord knows those mats they put out down don’t protect you from the hard eid gah floor;

The girls were all tucked in, with mendhi on their hands
the little boys were dreaming of collecting a few grands
The burfee was ready, Chana Magaj too
Lets just ignore our diabetes… and pass the laddoo

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
a jamaat from ladysmith were making our imaan their matter.
Away to the door I ran with my might,
To shut it quickly and switch off the light.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the top
a scuttle, a scurry and then a big drop .
As I reached for the light, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Abdul Malik came with a bound.

He was dressed all in white, with a big bushy beard,
And his clothes were all messed with curry stains that smeared;
A large miswaak in his mouth, frayed and wet,
so that he looked like a Viking smoking a wooden cigarette.
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
No sign of a moustache – there was nothing to grow
He was chubby and plump, a portly sized dude,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of my mood;
He pulled out a book, perhaps a classic by Dahl?
Who was I kidding, we all knew it was the Fazaail Amaal

I appreciated what they were doing but now was not the time
So I hastily turned them out, without a good reason or rhyme

But I heard him exclaim, resentfully as he left
May Allah give you hidayat, because verily you are bereft

MJ

originally wrote this a few years ago, but thought i'd repost it for some of my new readers. Have a lovely day folks - and if you are in Durban tomorrow - pop in at the Chohans spiceworks yard in the morning to help with the Al Ansaar feeding initiative. I'l be the guy in the Black kurtah delegating work to other people :)

Fresh Imam of Bulwer - MJ Parody

2010-09-09T04:52:00.001+02:00

Fresh Imam Of Bulwer

This is a vaar all about how
My dunya got flipped-turned upside down
And i liked to give a bayaan
so sit right there
i’ll tell you how I became the imam of a town called Bulwer

In west Isipingo born and raised
In the musjid was where i spent most of my days
Chillin out prayin recitin all cool
And making whudu by the taps in the school
When a couple of jerks
They were full of zulm
Startin makin trouble in my daarul uloom
I got in one lil speech and my ma got skrik
She made me one taaweez and shipped me off to a farm called bulwer

I made dua for a lift
And when one came near
The license plate said 786 and a tasbeeh from the mirror
Blasting Uwais Qadri without so much as a care
I jumped in and said bismillah, home to bulwer

I rocked up for esha about five to eight
And i told my ride shukran, jazakallah mate
I looked at the jamaat khana
I was finally there
To sit on the mimbar as the Imam of Bulwer.

(if you havent guessed it by now this is a parody of 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' by Will Smith)

Bulwer is a small town in KZN, and heres a video of the original theme song to help you sing along.

What If The Lion King is about Inception?

2010-08-27T04:09:00.000+02:00

I think Rafiki used inception to plant the idea in Simba's head that he must take back Pride Rock. Allow me to illustrate using stills from the movie.

MJ

Concerning Rotis

2010-08-27T02:46:00.003+02:00

In case you haven't heard of the King Khan

MJ

The original comic is from cyanide and happiness. All I have done (like my other cyanide and mj comics) is change the text.

When Computicket buys the rights to Taraweeh

2010-08-24T02:19:00.004+02:00

Key to Pricing structure

Red - Imam
Light Blue - Category 1
Yellow - Chair Area (for Grumpy old Men and Men in their 30's with 'soccer injuries')
Shitty Green - Category 4 - Haleem Burpers
Purple - Category 2 - Air-conditioning optimum
Dark Blue - Category 3 - Close to water tanks
Green - Category 4 - Lots of noisy kids sitting on mxit

Concerning Blackberries

2010-08-20T00:28:00.001+02:00

So i've been playing around with my Blackberry for a few days and I think I should write a bit about it. Good to capture the thoughts and all that. Also, I did some research before settling on it so this might help people who are undecided.

Ive been an early adopter with Cell C, having taken out a contract with them in their first month, and while I don't really consider myself brand loyal I'm 'familiar' with the brand so I just kinda stuck around and hoped they would improve (its like many married folk - they don't really love their partners anymore but are comfortable with them so they stick around). However, when Blackberry's became all the rage again, I couldn't help but feel left out (Cell C opted to ignore 3G and concentrate on increasing its market share with lower lsm's (i.e poor people) so I started thinking about jumping ship to either MTN, or Vodacom (seriously, who ports to Virgin?) MTN was cheaper, but they converted their free minutes into airtime which is bullshit because instead of getting a 100 free minutes I would have been getting a 100 rand worth of airtime which is like 42 minutes. Vodacom was a bit pricey, offering the Blackberry with a hundred anytime minutes for R340. Luckily Cell C realised that they were alienating a percentage of their client base (i.e MJ) and decided to roll out Blackberry contracts three weeks ago. And its a pretty decent deal too - I have an entry level Blackberry (the 8520) with the BIS service, CLI and a hundred anytime minutes for 199 a month. Sweet. Cell C'c reception is crap in my area, but it doesn't matter because they allow you to use Vodacoms towers. So what I have is Vodacom signal with Cell C's rates - cue Hannah Montana's 'Best of both worlds'.

As for the phone itself, its hard to even call it a phone. Its more like a portable networking tool that allows you to make calls. I'm thrilled that I can look up random shit on wikipedia and not worry about being charged a crazy fee at the end of the month. That's what I do whenever I'm bored - I look up weird shit on wikipedia. I havent tried the more sordid sites. Ask me again in three weeks.

Its all quite overwhelming at first, getting all your e-mails,twitter and fb notifications, mms's and sms's in one place. but the more I get used to it, the more I love the interface. The actual FB app is rather crap, but you can use fb mobile through the browser so that's pretty cool. Twitter is way better though, and makes for a welcome change from the original. The browser is a bit crap and I feel that Opera Mini is better when it comes to reading text. For some reason the BB browser doesn't optimise the display for the screen like Opera Mini does. So I often have to scroll from side to side as I read each line - annoying.

BBM (Blackberry Messenger) is great, and I dont see myself logging into mxit ever again. I need to get used to the keyboard though as im pretty sure it was designed for small Japanese ladies - my thumbs are too fat. I don't know how the Big Show would be able to use one of these things. As I play with it, I start discovering new things and it reminds me of video games I used to play when I was younger, and the sense of achievement I got when I discovered something. Like for example - I thought it was dumb that I had to hold Alt and pres M to get a full stop. Then I discovered that you hit the spacebar twice and voila. I shouldn't say voila. It sounds gay. Eureka! Less gay, but a more gay image in my head of naked man running through streets. Dammit!

The phone is not without its flaws though - I wont pick on stuff like Flash etc because the top end models come with it. Its just that i'm so used to having stuff on Nokia. Little things like the voice that calls out peoples names when they call. I really like that. Sure, theres an app you can download on the bb that will do this but the catch is that it will only work on Vibrate mode. Then theres the whole vibrate thing as well. On Nokias (and most other phones) you get vibrate and tone at the same time. On the BB, it will vibrate twice, then ring. Most of the time you tend to ignore the vibrate, or just make a mental note of it to check later (its probably two idiots fighting over something on one of my status updates) but after the second vibrate my ringtone comes on and by the time I reach for my phone it might be too late.

The other thing is that it makes you a bit too accessible. And very unsociable. I hate it when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone and they are more interested in their phone. I don't know anyone who is that important that they need to check their phone every 14 seconds in case The Swiss call them to give them a Nobel prize for being an unsociable prick. And then theres all the forwarded messages. God i hate forwarded messages. People just broadcast any crap on Blackberries, and they don't realise that they are spamming me. A very dangerous instrument of misinformation. I do like that you can copy and paste basically anything so that helps with transferring information between the various apps.

The worst thing thing about the Blackberry is its battery life. Its like having a fancy Mercedes Benz, but it only has a ten litre tank.

While I will revisit these thoughts in a month or two, for now i'm happy with my blackberry and I recommend it to anyone who dabbles in social media, who is in a long distance relationship and is very very cheap. Just like MJ.

MJ

Chamillionaire - Ridin' - MJ Style

2010-08-18T00:38:00.003+02:00

I'm going to try and record this soon. Was fun doing it, even if the idiot who sings the original doesnt rhyme all that well. Lyrics for original. As with all my parodies, its best to sing along with the original in the background.

[Chorus]

They see me rollin
They hatin
Iftar time they tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis

My chapatis... they so round
I'm boastin

They hopin that they gon catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis
Tryin to catch me rollin
Tryin to catch me rollin' rotis

Aunties think they can make a scene
with belans made out of stainless steel
When you see me roll i'm like a machine
Finish up in time to catch some Noeleen
Roll with some new dough, i'm not hard up
Next to the luke warm water is a bowl of oil and my rolla
Turn a lump into a Mona

Gorifoi you ain't know, I aint like Imran Vagar
Just tryin to say coriander and not dhania
spray and cook, non stick maybe
The other rollers, you know they hate me
Rotis are rolled until they are nice and round
nothing more circular can be found
none of that nonsense triangular, samoosa reject mounds

hands on the rolla, I'm grippin oak
pressures on and kneading slow
Twist and twistin like hit this dough
its nearing maghrib and I gots to go

frying pans on the oils a warming
The aroma is fluffy, nazr is swarming
my skills are like muralis bowlin
Got proposals in every town except Dundee but I'm still ain't rollin

(chorus)

Concerning Engagements

2010-08-13T02:23:00.001+02:00

I've been thinking a lot about engagements and weddings, so I thought I'd just collect some of my thoughts here. This is a disclaimer of sorts because whatever I list below applies to me only. You must do what makes you happy.

I'm not a fan of long drawn out engagements. i don't know how some people can be engaged for like three years. that shit doesn't work for me.

Actually, I don't really see a point in engagements. Unless its for the families to meet or something like that. I'm doing the whole proposal/ engagement in one. Its like Pantene 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner. None of that rinse and repeat nonsense.

Who came up with this bullshit notion that the girls family must wait for two weeks before giving an answer? Thats ridiculous. Are they waiting for a full moon to check that he isnt a werewolf or something? Why is it always two weeks?

So theres this customary practise of having the prospective couple sit on a couch at the engagement and stuff their face with sweetmeats. Yeah... i'm going to pass on that. Its silly, awkward and insensitive to your gorifoi who has diabetes and cant sample the chana maguj. Replace that with a supper/ braai and i'm happy.

Another thing I dont get is the table reserved for 'koonchas' (gifts from the couples families). Its like the father saying 'this is my daughters worth'.. a 4 kilo block of burfee shaped like a carriage, a tray of ferrerro's and a fist full of 100 rand notes shaped like swans and fans. I dont have an issue with gifts that guests bring - I like them, because they are covered. Its not for show. None of that clear plastic wrap nonsense. I like my dried fruit, but whats the point if its skewered onto the faraway tree and is covered in glitter? I'd be so much happier if they just leave it in the bag it came in. Practicality > Presentation.

At the wedding, I want to stand at the door with my wife and greet everyone as they come in. This means two things -firstly - the nikkah has to take place before, and secondly, I get to walk in with my wife.

I don't want a three tiered wedding cake that looks like Minis Tirith from the Lord of the Rings which will be chucked away faster than those see-through bags people keep the toothpicks, wet wipes and mint in. What a waste. I'd rather have three cupcakes. Sure, we'l look like complete tossers if we try cutting it, but who cares - take that establishment!

Whats with 'giving the qiraat responsibilities to your eleven year old cousin whose voice hasnt broken'? I dont want someone who sounds like Justin Bieber reciting surah Nur at my ceremony.

There has to be coke at my wedding. No compromise on this one.

For seating, there will be a mens side, ladies side and a family side acting as a buffer in the middle. Folks can choose which they are comfortable with. When I go to weddings i like the mens side. Away from those annoying kids.

You know whats great to have with tea? Those mini doughnuts with cinnamon and chocolate sauce. I'm going to hire two or three of those Dinky Doughnut mobile stands and have them making fresh dougnuts for our guests.

I'm not going to have a qawali night unless they find a way to bring back Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan from the dead. I'm also replacing mendhi night with call of Duty night, and the bachelors party with a weekend in Drakensburg with the friends ala Mo Raiman.

Thats it for now - will update the list as I think of more stuff during taraweeh tonight. Dont forget to check out my 'Inappropriate Wedding day Tweets' if you havent already.

MJ

Gorifoi, put down that doughnut!

Concerning Treachery

2010-08-05T21:19:00.001+02:00

In 1929, Belgian artist, Rene Magritte painted a picture of a pipe and wrote "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" under it, which is French for 'this is not a pipe'. The point he was making is that the painting wasnt a pipe, but rather an image of a pipe. I thought about this when I saw this weeks cover of Time magazine. This is an image of Islam. Do we change the image? Or do we change the situation? I am not referring to Aisha, who is clearly the victim here. But she isnt the only victim. Islam is also a victim, held hostage by men who think that mutilating a womens face is divine justice. I dont like being reductionist, and ive read some of the opinions around this image (check out Muslimah Media watch's roundtable) and Gopal's piece in the Guardian.

Yes, the Americans have destroyed the region in their pointless nine year war, but its not like this shit wasnt happening before 9/11. Honour killings isnt a 21st century phenomenon. Its easy to blame. The invaders deserve to be blamed. but that doesnt leave the warlords blameless.

Women were treated like second class citizens during the reign of the Taliban. Things are changing, but theres a price to this change. Just because it doesn't make headlines anymore, (like Iraq) doesnt mean there isnt a war happening right now. We dont know what war is, because we haven't lived through it. Its hard to imagine suffering of others, when I am so displaced from it.

So after jumuah, we'l have this long dua in English, and the imam, in a gluttonous arab accent will start rattling off the names of some of the hotspots (never one of the African countries where Muslims are also being killed) "Afggghanistaan, Shishaan, kushmeer, Iraaqk, Filisteen", and i keep saying aameen, but its so insincere because i'm so detached from these places.

On a final note, some small church in America, is having a 'burn the quran day' event. Yes, this upsets me, but we need to respond maturely and rationally. This is a trap meant to incite muslims. I checked out the fb group last night, and was sad to see some of the Muslim responses to it. Some jackass said 'Fuck off Jesus, Islam is the greatest'. This is kufr. We revere Jesus (pbuh) as a messenger of God.

The new trend is to see 'Islam' as a cult, and not a religion. We need to address this. We need to educate people. We need to change the image. But first, we must change ourselves.

MJ

The words are 'This is not a hookah'. Inside joke for Muslim media students.

Random Status Updates (May - July 2010)

2010-07-27T13:40:00.008+02:00

So I decided to save some of my status updates in case I ever write a book or something and I need to fill in those spaces where Serverus Snape used to write all his stuff in his potions book. Serverus was a Bidat'i of note. Always trying to innovate and change the textual guidelines. Anyway - I thought I'd capture a few updates from the past six months. But I update too often, so this is May to July Some of them are contextual (World Cup etc)

Maafbusters, the new show on discovery channel - Join us as we use investigative questions like 'why' and 'what for' to test the validity and sincerity of maafs.

Nowhere on this bag of peas does it state that it can be used as a princess verifier.

The Biggest Loser Ethiopia: Now thats a marketing fail

What do you do when the wife is angry with you? Make muff

Mwah should not be used as a replacement for a fullstop.

Nike should not sponsor suicide hotlines

I have no interest in Islamic banking

My butter salt has an anti caking agent. Your mum should have put some in your milk formula.

Watching captain Planet. Its like an eco friendly Benetton advert.

Bryan Adams is touring South Africa. You better attend, because everything he does, he does it FOR YOU!

I think all the people who failed the home affairs entrance exam are now working the suncoast confectionery counter

Lahm is so short, if his kit was yellow he'd look like a Mcdonalds player escort

The French players probably wish they didn't ban the niqab in France.

I asked the Mcdonalds cashier to give me a woody. They asked me to leave. Apparently Mcdonalds isn't doing a toy story happy meal.

The only time the Port Elizabeth stadium is full is when i'm playing xbox.

The cameramen only focus on the rabid crazy eyed looking fans. I think they use the same guys to take pictures at all the Muslim rallies.

Saw and The City. Now thats a movie collaboration I'd watch

Dear Japanese Tourists. It is safe to remove the face masks. Its not the same SARS you have back home

Was looking for a hot piece of ass. Spur waitress recommended Tikka Chargrilled rump.

"Trust pink. Forget stains". That just sounds wrong.

Pawpaw is like Kryptonite for MJ

Birthdays only come once a year. Unless you like Spur ice cream.

Nothing is expired if you own a permanent marker

I think final destination 2 did for log trucks what jaws did for peoples fear of sharks.

'Insha Allah' now means 'I dont want to attend but I also dont want to hurt your feelings and say no'.

I dont know how many people are really born again and how many people just like fish

Most of the time when i write gtg i don't really HAVE to go.

Its not that Muslim countries suck at football, they are all just afraid of paying zakaat for that trophy.

I wanted to live in a world with dinosaurs. Then I watched Jurassic Park.

Facebook should change the 'people you may know' list to 'random people with lots of mutual friends'

Watched 'Men who stare at Goats'. Disappointed because I thought it was about Al Qaeda. I'm sure Bin Laden must have been disappointed when he watched Big Bang Theory.

I love coke, but I hardly have it as a status update because i'm afraid of typos.

my beard has not improved my cricket

I just want a mario t shirt without all that baby milo shit on it.

Ents are the worst husbands in middle earth

Possible SAHUC Headline, "Don't come here with your price-fixing tendencies. This is a revolutionary Hajj. Bloody Agent!

Just passed a store called bs creations. Sounds like they have Low self esteem issues.

Every date with a purdah chick is a blind date

Ode to O-tees

2010-07-26T04:56:00.004+02:00

I just had a bowl of O-Tees for Sehri. They are delicious!

Versatile little buggers. You can even eat them without milk. Cant do that shit with all-Bran.

I've always been a cereal kind of guy - Not because of the health benefits or anything like that - Just because its easy to make. I always choose the simpler option. Then again, kids dont give a shit about healthy eating. I didnt eat my coco pops because they contained Vitamin B6 and Niacin - I ate them because they were chocolately and made the milk brown. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but not if its a toffee apple. But thats the thing about being a kid - you dont care about brands. Well, except Coco Pops. Because the moment they changed the name to Choco Crispies it didnt taste as good. I dont know what it was - Maybe the extra syllable. Luckily it reverted to Coco Pops so yay. I remember the adverts with the monkey, and he had all his jungle friends, but they made the crocodile a dick. I felt sorry for the crocodile, because that bitch monkey wouldnt share any coco pops with him. No good monkey, polluting the rivers with coco pops. I'm team croc.

Then came chocos, and that was crap. Mostly because it never got soft enough so it would always hurt my palette. I hated Chocos.

Mum threw away the O-tees box so I dont know whether its sanha approved, but I dont give a shit. I think Fruit Loops are O-tees Drug addicted cousin. That Pelican looks like its on LSD. I used to read a lot of Archie Comics so I always wanted to taste Cap'n Crunch. Sleep time.

Whats your favourite cereal?

MJ

Concerning Eclipse

2010-07-22T04:01:00.000+02:00

Warning: This post contains spoilers, but not the type you add to your Citi Golf because you think it will impress chicks.

I HATE BELLA!

I really do. I'm going to be a little more restrained with this review (i.e try to be more critical and open to discussion as opposed to my New Moon Piece) but at the onset everyone needs to know that if in the next movie someone shoots her head off with a shotgun in the first five minutes, it will be the best movie ever made! (Even better than Attack of The Indian Werewolf.) I watched this a few weeks ago, and thankfully I forgot most of it but here goes.

The movie opens with a two minute Volvo advert, so already I'm like "oh shit, they going to shove this brand up our asses for two hours", and no surprises but that's exactly what they did. I'm a fan of product placement when its done right. Subtle, and adding value to the movie. Instead, what we get here, are some pointless scenes of them driving around, doing nothing just so that they can push some cars. How many twelve year olds drive anyway?

Most of Bella's dialogue is probably ripped straight from the book, and while its probably done for fangirls who carry their copies of the books to the cinema (like how people used to carry bibles to Ahmed Deedat lectures) it doesn't make sense from a cinematic point of view. It just makes for these awkward introspective moments that drag out an already too long movie. I'm currently re-reading the Lord of the Rings, and I really appreciate what Peter Jackson has done with the movies because while everything isn't quoted directly from the books, the spirit and essence isn't lost. With these twilight movies, it really feels like she is just reading from passages.

With this whole Team Edward Team Jacob nonsense, I'd have to say that I lean more towards Edward. Sure he is an insecure bitch, but its Bella who made him that way. I mean, I'd be pissed if my girl got on a bike with a guy I hated, and drove off. Especially when he has this smug look on his face. I'd be like "I hope you crash and die", but then she'd just fight with me more. 'Lose-lose' over there. And the absolute worst moment is after they are 'engaged', and she kisses Jacob. What the hell is that!! I need caps for this..

BELLA YOU BITCH!

I see the same traits in her as I do in the villain - evil, conniving and manipulative. Thats all she is. She isnt confused at all. She knows exactly what shes doing, playing with these chumps feelings. What kind of message does that send to all these impressionable teens who watch the movie? A person who could care less about anyone elses feelings. Who lives for the moment. Without consequence, responsibility or accountability. Using men as a means to her own ends.

Jacob is so whiny throughout the movie, "Oh Bella, choose me". What a fag. You almost kinda pity him. Almost. I mean, in the second movie he had a shot, seeing that Edward was out of the picture somewhat...but to really think he has any chance here is just ridiculous. Lots of Mormon propaganda when Bella wanted to have sex but Edward was acting all noble and coy. Doubt that message will leave the theatres though.

Something that I noticed, is that the Voltari reminded me of the Church somehow (perhaps more crazy Mormon propaganda) A critique of it, because you had a small group subverting what the group stood for and all of that.

I have to admit - the fight scene was pretty cool, although I'm sure the werewolves were smaller in the second movie. When Jacob stood next to Bella it was like a huge Grizzly.

The weird thing is, for my dislike of the franchise, this movie wasn't as bad as the other two. But that's like saying 'I have Chlamydia so its not as bad as syphilis. Its still an STD at the end of the day. Sure, they were huge continuity issues like Edward not sparkling every time he stood in the sun. And lets not forget, he went to Florida to visit Bellas mum. Do you know how sunny Florida is? Its nickname is 'the sunshine state'. But that pretty much sums up twilight movies - Logic and acting sacrificed for Fluff and sparkle

p.s Bella is a bitch!

MJ

Concerning World Cup Posters

2010-07-15T01:04:00.003+02:00

Boston.com has some stunning pics of the World Cup. Its only fair I distort them somehow :)

Enjoy.

MJ

If Hashim Amla Played Soccer

2010-06-10T16:21:00.002+02:00

If Hashim played soccer he would never dive.

If Hashim played soccer all matches on Thursday night will be moved.

If Hashim played soccer, they'd be sprinkling rose water over the players when they stand for the national anthem

If Hashim played soccer and he scored like Maradona, the commentators would call it the the "hand of Hazrath". But Hashim wouldn't take the goal.

If Hashim played soccer we'd have to stop calling Benni fat and refer to him as Masha Allah

If Hashim played soccer then yellow cards would be replaced by 'Astaghfirullahs,' and red cards by 'naoozibillahs'. When you get a 'naoozibillah' you must sit on the taubah bench and reflect

If Hashim played soccer you would get a yellow card for drinking water while standing

If Hashim played soccer they would rename Cape towns stadium to Green Dome.

If Hashim played soccer, the 90 Minutes would be fardh time, with Extra Time being optional.

If Hashim played Soccer, he would encourage you to kick with your right leg.

If Hashim played Soccer, Instead of shaking the players hands before kick off, Sepp Blatter will put attar.

I originally did this as a facebook status update so I got some great additions from Minhaj

If Hashim played soccer, the world cup would last for 40 days.

If Hashim played soccer, then yellow cards would be makrooh

If Hashim Amla played soccer, then the Fifa countdown would be replaced by 'Insha Allah'

and from The Great One

If Hashim played soccer, stadiums would have a purdah section

MJ

(If you are going to e-mail this or bbm it, I'd appreciate it if you leave my name on it)

www.mjkhan.co.za

Fell free to add in the comments.

Wavin Flag - The MJ Version

2010-06-08T02:15:00.000+02:00

So The idea here is that all the Arab countries are worried that the World Cup will steal the spotlight from them so what they do is take the Official Coca Cola Anthem (which should have been the World Cup Anthem and not that waka waka crap) and change it so it can be sung at Protest rallies. The original is by K'Naan and is called Wavin Flag. Like all my parodies - its easier to sing along if you have the original in the background

Ooooooh Wooooooh, Ooooooh Wooooooh

Give me matches, give me fire, give me petrol, build a pyre
See the invaders, take the land now, you defy us, make us feel down
In the streets our cries are lifting, as we face the imposition,
Occupation, it surround us, every blockade, all around us

Lighting whatever burns, lighting cloth to express concerns
Lets protest in the only way,
In the hopes that they go away.
We all say

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call this freedom, just like a burnin’ flag

and then it goes black, and then it goes black, and then it goes black

and then it goes

When they find oil there, They will stay longer
They’ll call it freedom, just like a burnin’ flag
So burn that flag, now burn that flag, now burn that flag

Oooohhh, Oooooooooh wooooohh, Oooooooooh wooooohh

Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And everybody will be burning it
Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And we all will be burning it

Hello

2010-06-02T06:24:00.003+02:00

I'm Hungry.

Like really hungry.

But I'm going to sleep in a few minutes and mum says it isn't good to eat just before you sleep. I guess she must be right. She was right when she warned me that the stove was hot. Right about now, you must be like, 'why don't you stop typing and make yourself a sandwich you moron'. Too many rights in one paragraph. I don't like repeating words. Unless I'm singing songs by 2Unlimited. Then I'm kinda forced to.

I'm not making a sandwich because I want chicken tikka and I cant make that shit at home. Heck, I couldnt make the bloody thing in Gordon Ramsays kitchen. But the point is, anything else is settling. Now this isnt life or death. I mean, if it was I'd eat 'Indulges' food and drink Cre Cola. Anything to keep brand MJ alive. Thats what we are at the end of the day. Brands.

I never knew what a flotilla was until I read the review of Twilight 2 by Cracked. Its weird how we learn stuff. And what we remember in terms of word association. Like for example, When the Earthquake hit Haiti earlier this year I immediately drew on the three images I had of Haitians based on media representation

a) The dudes from Bad Boys who said 'The Devil is not welcome HHHEEERRRE!
b) The Haitian from Heroes whose ability is to cockblock everyones powers
c) The chaps from GTA Vice City.

So anyway, im drinking Liqui Fruit Marula Something. Not too sure what the second word is but im sure there is something there. Mania or something. Again - when I think Marula, I think drunk elephants and alcohol that looks like peach yogi sip. Which is weird really because when I think Grapes, I dont think wine. Maybe I should eat more Marula fruit. Maybe I am already but I think they are apricots or something.

I should get some sleep. My sleeping patterns are messed up. But the way I see it, mornings are overrated anyway. Unless you are Wimpy. Thats the only time you'll ever make any money. I wonder if the soccer teams stay for the month. If I was a player, I'd like to stay for the month. Do some tourism stuff, attend the semi finals. That sorta thing. Or is it part of some huge humiliation ritual that the day after you get knocked out, you have to be deported for sucking so much. I wonder if New Zealand called the hotel and were like, we'd like to book this place for two weeks please.

I want a catchy song I can parody. Something recent. Suggestions please (not waka waka).

MJ

Concerning National Pride

2010-05-28T02:29:00.005+02:00

The 2010 Soccer World Cup* is mere days away, and the excitement is building. Shops throughout South Africa are slapping vuvuzelas onto display mannequins and Motorists are sticking flags onto their car aerials, in the hopes of showing their patriotism and also disrupt the clarity when Justin Bieber is played. Kick off specials and Free Soccer balls are the result of most marketers uniting against creativity as each outlet tries to cash in, with most hoping that Fifa do not sue them for copyright infringement.

Naivete and cynicism aside, this is Fifa's baby. We can bask in her glory and stand downwind in the hopes of bathing ourselves in her lingering odour as long as we promise not to touch. Staring is however permissible. Sounds like a strip club actually. Lolly Blatter indeed.

Now that my half assed political commentary is done, lets get back to the Goodies (I watched Tropic Thunder again last night)

I love the mirror flags, and I love the Soccer Tops and I especially love our Stadium (singular - Moses Mabhida) but if we want to build on this patriotic fervour it is imperative that we learn the National Anthem. Lets face it, most of us got the first two lines down, and after that we kinda mumble through the next bit until we reach 'South Africa Our Land'. So here are a few resources to help with the National Anthem. If you learn a line a day, you'll be ready for kick-off.

Heres the words

Nkosi sikelel' iAfrika
Maluphakanyisw' uphondo lwayo,
Yizwa imithandazo yethu,
Nkosi sikelela, thina lusapho lwayo.

Morena boloka setjhaba sa heso,
O fedise dintwa la matshwenyeho,
O se boloke, O se boloke setjhaba sa heso,
Setjhaba sa South Afrika – South Afrika.

Uit die blou van onse hemel,
Uit die diepte van ons see,
Oor ons ewige gebergtes,
Waar die kranse antwoord gee,

Sounds the call to come together,
And united we shall stand,
Let us live and strive for freedom,
In South Africa our land.

If you are having difficulty with pronunciation, this should help

A pronunciation guide to the South African national anthem

First saw this on Uzayrs facebook - great video by Sabc 2.

According to wikipedia, "It is the only neo-modal national anthem in the world, by virtue of being the only one that does not finish in the home key", and yes I do not know what that means either. The one thing I love about our anthem is how inclusive it is. It makes use of 5 of the most popular languages (Xhosa, Zulu, Sesotho, Afrikaans and English) and it combines both the resistance song (nKosi Sikeleli) with the National Anthem used during Apartheid. Syncretism at its best. And the entire thing is about God blessing Africa so suck on that atheists :)

MJ

*Trademark of Fifa (please dont sue me. Nobs)

Concerning Domains

2010-05-19T00:12:00.001+02:00

I am the king of mjkhan.co.za and the sand throne people.

So I finally went out and got myself a U.R.L (say it with feeling) Well, I didn't really go out anywhere - I just sat in front of my pc and tried to figure it out with Corpsekicker (shes awesome :D). She suggested I use a company called Texo. Wonderful company and a pleasure to deal with. Theres this guy named Steve who was really helpful and answered all my retarded domain questions.

So, why the change from www.concerningmjk.blogspot.com to www.mjkhan.co.za?

Firstly - just look at that name - quite a mouthful hey. Thats what she said (she being your mum).

Blogger has been good to me over the past four years (they haven't deleted any of my posts or anything. Ok, maybe I have low expectations and stuff) but blogspot doesn't really convey uniqueness. I'm not saying that because I have a different url now. Its just something I've always felt but never got around to changing.

Its like getting a business card from someone and seeing a hotmail address. Doesn't exactly instill confidence in the brand. I bought a griller last year. The packaging was done using WordArt in Microsoft Word. As Vin Diesel in Chronicles of Riddick would say, 'very Skittish'.

Business cards are cool. Especially when you have something stuck in between your teeth and you dont have a toothpick. But im sure they serve other purposes too. Also - its easier to give out a business card then asking someone to add you on mxit. I wouldnt know what to put on the business card though.

Some people put these fancy quotes. The ones that all end with the same word - Anonymous. Theres no such thing as an anonymous quote. Just statements where people were too half-assed to find out who said it.

Coming back to my sand throne pic - it was taken at North Beach. There are these guys who make these awesome sand sculptures - really talented fellows - they have recreated a few of the stadiums amongst other homages to the Soccer World Cup. The only problem is that Fifa is a bunch of assholes, so if anyone from Fifa saw the stuff they are creating, instead of helping them out through monetary means or giving them some cool clothing or what not they will probably bitch about brand infringement and request the city Police to hose it down. Its difficult really. because on one hand I'm thrilled that I get to experience a Soccer world cup, but on the other, the Fifa Gestapo aren't doing much in terms of empowering those who need it most. It would be naive and wrong of me to neglect some of the Social Responsibility initiatives that Fifa have kickstarted. But thats like being raped in prison every day but saying 'Hey, at least now I have time to read The Lord of the Rings'.

I want this to be a World Cup for everyone. For those sitting behind the goalposts, and for those behind the margins.

MJ

btw - You don't have to change your links - everything will be directed here :)

The Top Ten Reasons Why The Soccer World Cup is Haraam.

2010-05-14T05:01:00.001+02:00

10. The referee does not say Bismillah before blowing the opening whistle for kick off.

9. Shakira is singing the official song and not Junaid Jamshed.

8. The proposed Ashruf Ali Thanvi Eid Gah Stadium was turned down and Moses Mabhida was chosen instead.

7. The Soccer ball is not SANHA approved.

6. When you steal the ball by fouling you get a red card, but you do not get any lashes.

5. It is biased against Muslims because only one Muslim country is being represented. And they aren't even the ones who make sujood after every goal.

4. There is a possibility that you will be having fun and as you know, having fun is haraam.

3. It is sponsored by Greedy, Immoral capitalistic companies like Hyundai. (Toyota would have been ok because they make the Camry and the Corolla)

2. The Vuvuzela is the Shaitaani equivalent of the trumpet that Israfeel will blow on the day of Qiyamaat.

And the number one reason why the World Cup is haraam..

Hashim Amla does not play soccer.

MJ.

Super Blogger Friends 3

2010-05-03T18:19:00.002+02:00

Todays one is two parts. Click on the comic to enlarge.

MJ

Super Blogger Friends 2

2010-04-21T22:01:00.002+02:00

MJ

Iron Man = Waseem
Fairy Guy = Parusputin
Dhormammoo = Killa

In Honour of Waseem

2010-04-16T04:38:00.005+02:00

Usually when I wish people on my blog its a once off thing, but the Great One is different, and therefore in his honour, I have started a new Comic strip called Super Blogger Friends (kinda like this really) . I'l probably update it every second week or so and i'm hoping that within two months (or at least as long as it takes before i'm bored of it) it will start taking shape. I have used the 'create a comic strip' tool from some rubbish kids website. Think of this one as the introductory piece, with subsequent ones building on it. I'm hoping to include a whole bunch of bloggers because A) i'm nerdy like that and B) because i'm inclusive like that.

Part 2 will be up next week.

MJ

Concerning Hansel

2010-04-12T02:09:00.001+02:00

I dont really think the witch from Hansel and Gretel was all that mean. Sure, she had a penchant for eating obese little German boys, but I reckon they were getting a pretty good deal. She didnt fatten up Gretel because lets face it... no one likes a fat bitch. Even witches with poor eyesight.

I dont see the need for an evil stepmother though. Is the witch so weak as an antagonist that she cant be chief villain all on her own? Its kinda like the Batman movies really - In the first one, all you needed was Jack Nicholson, but after that it had to be two villains per movie. Why complicate shit? I'm glad they didnt mention that Hansel was diabetic though. That would have been overkill.

We always have this desire to complicate shit though. So that it stands out. So it isnt lost in the shuffle of the ordinary. A part of me likes routine, consistency and Windowsills made of liquorice. I'm not big on gingerbread walls though - they remind me of those crappy biscuits we used to get in the orange wrappers. I cant remember the name now. The Bakers man can.. mess up now and then.

Sometimes we need to question the shit we read to our kids, but I think whats more important is that we question the stuff we consume. I'm not saying that everything is some huge Zionist conspiracy but I fear for the time where we accept everything we hear or read without negotiating the message. Put down the V for Vendetta masks though. No need to blow up the Union Building. If anything, I would blow up Melrose Arch. What a pointless Diet Coke Mall. I cant say things like Blow Up anymore. Word association is a bitch.

Hansel and Gretel could have been more complicated. I'm not talking about incest here Hamish so stop grinning. They could be two Arab kids lost in the desert. Leave as many pebbles as you like, youre' still screwed. Maybe they'l have two, three or four evil stepmothers - four times the hate. maybe they'll be starving and stuff and the witches house would be made out of Gelatine. can you imagine Gretel getting on her knees looking for a MJC stamp.

Maybe Hansel and Gretel could be American kids. Would have saved the witch time from having to fatten him up methinks.

I feel sorry for the witch. They let her cook in the oven for a few days. Little bastards. So whats the moral of the story?

You can tell me :)

MJ

The Book Of Hamish

2010-04-07T00:37:00.001+02:00

Here begins the tale of the two companions and their search for the book.

A book of power?

Nay

A book of wisdom?

Nay

Not even substance?

Not a sliver.

A Book of Hamish.

Chapter one - Concerning Hamish

I sit in front of this pc, older, bearded, wiser (some say bored too) hoping to give an accurate account of The Book of Hamish. Some call it myth, others a fallacy. But most have not heard of it. Such is the elusive nature of such a text, that it had become my life's work to prove its existence.

The Legend of Hamish is very much like the man himself, short and nonsensical. Yet for all his stoutness (he might say rugby player physique, provided rugby was played by dwarves in the Lord of the Rings) he appears to be a literary heavyweight, at least thats what he says on his blog anyway.

Chapter two - All Rainbows. All the time.

Intrigue, excitement and exhilarating action. just a few of the many things that you will not find in this book. Instead, a cursory glance of the title will probably conjure up images that could perhaps be classified best as Homo erotic fantasy. Yes my dear readers, (and I mean dear in the most condescending manner) The rainbow has no pink can best be described as a sausagefest. You'd be surprised that the foreword was not written by Sir Elton John.

Chapter three - The adventure begins

According to Flybynight Publishers, only 12 copies of The rainbow have no Pink has been printed. Three were given to the Elven Kings, Seven to the Dwarves - None to Snow White, because lets face it - if you fail at simple things like chewing and swallowing you have bigger problems than reading. One copy remained. Scattered somewhere within Exclusive Books 48 stores. One last copy. We would track it down.

Chapter four - The discovery

The Great One and I searched. We searched like we were searching for a Golden Ticket. Except this was not really gold, nor did it give us access to a factory. In fact - the only similarity would be the papercuts. Who are we kidding, papercuts means that we actually intended to turn the page. Eventually our travels took us to Melrose Arch in Johannesburg. The mall was split in two. A arch and B arch. Naturally, Exclusive Books would be hidden away in B-Arch. Our first instinct was to look for it next to Spud. That was our first error because as you all know - Spud is in the 'Popular South African fiction' section. No no no, we would need to look elsewhere. We searched and searched, and after two hours, those old familiar feelings of disappointment took hold. Heaving a large sigh, I stood up, and immediately heard a loud unmistakable yelp. My first thought was that Waseem hurt his eye with one of those pop up books again and I immediately rushed to his aid. Lo and Behold - I found him in the 'sadaqah' section clutching something white and worthless in his hands. I moved in, and with great insignificance I saw that he had found it. The last copy of the book.

Chapter Five - The Casting

Little has been written about this book, and it is my wish that this account remain firmly lodged in our collective memories for at least a few months. The Rainbow has no Pink remains as one of the last accounts of 'Hot gay man love' for a generation too young to remember Nataniel. And it is for this reason that it should be purchased by all. The other reason being that it makes for a compelling argument in the 'Why the Citizen needs to be shut down' debate. For those who do not heed my words of recommendation and buy it, allow me to end this story with a quote from the author

"Dof!" (Pillay 2008:68)

Concerning Greatness JHB Tour

2010-03-31T02:11:00.006+02:00

You might have heard of them

You might have read their blogs

You might have even seen a comment on your blog

Johannesburg... ARE YOU READY FOR THE GREAT ONE AND THE MJ?

This is the serious part - you are cordially invited - I dont really know what cordially means but I know that Cordial is like a juice or something, anyway, you are invited to join MJ and Waseem, or Waseem and MJ for supper when we have our Awesome JHB Eating tour aka Easter holiday weekend thing.

F.A.Q

Where is this concentration of awesomeness taking place?

Rosebank Spur. After Maghrib on Saturday (3rd April 2010). So thats like 6:34 PM or 6:30 PM if you skip Nafl like MJ

How do I get there?

Do I look like i'm from JHB? MJ suggests you google map or garmin or ask Nafisa

I am a vegetarian, why did you choose Spur?

Have ice cream

Will I be able to touch Waseem?

Waseem has requested that he eat in peace, however, you can touch him before or after meals) but please do not come between a waseem and his Malva

Are you guys like the most awesome bloggers in Durban?

We are in the top 25000 definitely

I live in Cape Town/ east London/ Butfuknowhere.. why have you invited me for a JHB blog meet?

Because you are part of our incestuous group and would like include you in the hopes that you pitch up

Aww, thats sweet. i will be there in Spirit. Is that ok?

Thats all well and good, but doesnt help with logistics - aka booking - so if you are confirming, leave a wall post saying that you are coming.

Is this something like King of the Plate?

Well, Spur with waseem and Mj can give you that impression. But without Hamish it cannot be King of the Plate - because there will be no loser then.

Does this mean I have to wear a suit?

No no no - please dress in whatever makes you feel comfortable, yes Killa - this ones for you

Why am I still reading this dumb FAQ?

Do I look like Prof X to you? I dont know why.

Whose paying for all this?

Pay your own bill - this isnt a walima.

If you have any more questions you can post it on the fb group wall or on my formspring. I'm kidding - the wall works just fine

MJ

p.s Happy Birthday Chica. Hope it was awesome :)

Why some people should not watch The Arrivals

2010-03-16T03:05:00.001+02:00

The Arrivals is the big new Youtube series that everyone is so keen about. I watched the series last year and I wanted to articulate a response to the series. This, however is not it. This is for all those who take everything that the Arrivals says as the Gospel and start looking for signs that are not there. Here are a few examples.

All Famous female Celebrities wear Red at awards shows to symbolise that they are part of the Freemasons

Arrivals Geek: OMW! Ash is a freemason. Thats why she married Mr Bachchan. They want to take over the world with an army of one billion Indians!

MJ : No dude. Shes just some chick who likes the colour Red. You know what else it symbolises right? Passion, Love? You are going to tell me the person who got a bit role in Pink Panther 2 is going to take over the world? You'd have more luck convincing me that two lab mice are plotting to do that.

The Chequered Floor represents Freemasonry

Arrivals Geek: Oh Gawd! Chequered floor. Told you that Rowling was a freemason!

MJ : No idiot. They are standing on a giant chess board.

Unexplainable Fog covers cities that are friendly to the Freemasons

Arrivals Geek : Notice the constant fog in this videogame. Basically its all about Freemasons and how their evil chi is blanketing the land

MJ : No you retard. The fog is because of the graphical limitations of the Nintendo 64

A secret group of Lizards called the 'Babylonian Brotherhood' created and controls everything in the world
Arrivals Geek :This is exactly what David Icke was talking about when he spoke about a race of lizardmen who control the world

MJ : Actually this is just a shot from Conan the Adventurer, a popular childrens cartoon from 1992, but then again, you are like what, 14? How would you remember shit like this when your head is filled with all this conspiracy nonsense. BTW - Icke is an idiot

MJ

Theory of Funny Gaming Moments

2010-03-15T03:46:00.001+02:00

I really enjoy my gaming. I would choose gaming over most things really. If you are passionate about a specific medium, some moments will stand out more than others. You know those moments when you just put the controller down and say 'wow'. I also like the moments that make me laugh audibly (I didnt want to say lol for some reason) I hardly give a hearty chuckle so when a game makes me laugh - I remember it!

My title is a homage to this bitch. Happy birthday Buddy - Hope you get some head, or some chicken wings.

So - These are twenty of my most memorable or funny gaming moments (not in order). I'm typing this as I wait for Corpsekicker to wake up so I might omit some. But I will keep adding to the comments section as I remember. Feel free to add as well - (Yes Waseem, you can add your final fantasy nonsense ;)

1. Def Jam: Fight for New York - I maintain that this is the best intro ive ever seen for a videogame and no game has ever pumped me up like this

2. Metal gear Solid 3 - when Ocelot reveals that he was Adam in the credits. Blew my mind.

3. I completed Uncharted 2 this week. One of the best games ive ever played. Two moments stand out amongst the countless gems - The first one is the scene in Nepal where you are trying to outrun a Truck. Its the first time I saw the game, and I knew I had to buy it immediately. The dialogue in the game is the best ive ever heard in a videogame, and there is a scene in the end where Drake says to Flynn, "Hey you, asswipe, give me a lighter" . Its just hilarious and I still laugh now when I think about it. Ten minutes later you are exploring a catacomb with him and see this hideous skull sculpture and you say "Hey look, a statue of your mom".

4. Rainbow Six Vegas. I was playing coop mode with Yusuf Moolla and we enter a room with three bad guys. We shoot the first one which alerts the other two and they take cover and start blind firing at us. Then one guy tells the other guy 'cover me', and that guy says 'fuck you, cover me'. Loved that moment :)

5. Singstar vol 2: Another memory with Yusuf Moolla. The first time we tried singing the Paul McCartney and Frog song as a duet. Bum Bum Bum Baa-iyaa

6. GTA Vice City - The first time you hijack a bike and Billie Jean starts playing. Win!

7. Bioshock - When you are told that you have been conditioned to obey everytime you hear the phrase 'would you kindly'. Woah. Also - The opening scene - when you swim up to the surface and everything around you is in flames and youre not sure if you are in control because it all looks too beautiful to be in game.

8. Assassins Creed - The first time you climb The Dome of The Rock only to see Islamic calligraphy around the Dome. Loved it

9. Assassins Creed 2 - When your uncles greets you with the unmistakable 'Its a Me a Mario'

10. Pro Evolution Soccer 10 - The first time you score with a bicycle Kick followed by lots of jumping and gratuitous crotch grabbing

11. Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 - Inputting a code so that you can play Pong with a mate.

12. The Suffering - I think this was the scariest opening ive ever played.

13. Modern Warfare - The first stage in the middle East - When you storm the tv Station (including the scene before this when they kill the President)

14. Onimusha 3 - Opening scene - Monsters attack France. Awesome.

15. Bards Tale - Hilarious dialogue that makes fun of all these dumb RPG's that are out there.

16. Legend Of Zelda Ocarina of Time - I'd like to say everything about this game is awesome, but if I had to choose one it would be when you leave the Chamber of Time and everything around you is destroyed.

17. GTA 4 - The TV stations were hilarious. My favourite programmes were 'A history of Liberty City and Republican Space Rangers. Loved them.

18. NHL Blitz: Youre getting ready to cream some Random American team in Ice Hockey. You still have no idea why there are so many penalties, and all of a sudden you hear a remixed version of Zombie Nation blasting out of the speakers complete with the entire crowd doing the chorus. Pure awesome.

19. Prince of Persia 3. You finish the game, kill the last boss and you are still haunted by your evil alter ego, so you end up fighting him and nothing really happens. And after a few minutes you realise that the only way you can kill him is by walking away. Loved it.

20. Ratchet and Clank 2 - When they test the crotchitizer out of Captain Quark

So thats my twenty. If I think of more i'l pop them in the comments section. Let me know which are your favourite moments.

MJ

The MJ Show - Hoaxes in the Muslim Community

2010-03-12T02:56:00.000+02:00

Had a lot of fun doing this show. I mentioned the Mxit hoax but didnt get a chance to elaborate on it. Here is my initial blog on it. You might be wondering why I mention that i'm on trial. Its because I havent been giving a full time slot like last time. I dont blame them - I do talk about stuff that might seem controversial in nature - I dont mean to be controversial, it just so happens that I work for a conservative radio station. I'm lucky though - I do get away with quite a bit :)

If you have come across any more hoaxes, please let me know in the comments section and we can discuss it :)

Like all my podcasts, you can download it if you want to listen to it at your own leisure - ive compressed it so its pretty small. Here is the link. For everyone else, especially Corpsekicker, here is the podcast. Enjoy :)

MJ

Spotlight with Fatima Asmal - Muslim Youth Podcast

2010-03-09T14:22:00.003+02:00

Discussion on Problems facing Muslim Youth hosted by Fatima Asmal. Guests include the awesome MJ Khan, Edriss Khamissa, Zain Bhikha, Baba Ali, Moulana Kamdar, Saberah Gumede, Zainab Abdul Hamid and Hasina Gori.

It can be downloaded from this link

Here is the podcast

Cyanide and MJ grows up

2010-03-04T05:06:00.004+02:00

Adapted from Cyanide and Happiness
MJ

Luigi does Enrique Iglesias

2010-02-26T05:46:00.004+02:00

Would you jump if I asked you to jump?

Would you glide and never look back
Would you stop if you saw me sinking
Would you share that mushroom tonight?

Would you tremble if I broke that block?
Would you duck for Bowsers flames of might
Now would you jump on that goombas head?
Hold me in your arms tonight?

(Chorus)
I can be your Luigi baby
I can take away those plants
I will stand by you forever
You can take my coins away

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie? would you get nabbed
Is this pipe too deep?
Can I see inside?
I don't care, you're here tonight

I can be your Luigi baby
I can take away those plants
I will stand by you forever
You can take my coins away

I just want to rescue you (2x)
Is this pipe too deep?
Can I see inside?
Well I don't care you're here tonight

My name is Khan... and I sometimes misspell Terrorist

2010-02-25T05:26:00.002+02:00

Last night on formspring, some anonymous person asked me for tips because they want to become a lecturer. The first tip I would give them is that they should not be financially motivated, because lecturers make zip. Actually its not too bad. Its a comfortable salary. For one. But thats the thing about lecturing. You dont do it for the money. You do it because of your desire to teach. Or if you want a complex. But hopefully its because you enjoy teaching. So I started rattling off some tips and before I knew it, I had written a treatise of sorts. The thing about formspring is that within a day it'l be off my main page so I thought i'd save it here in case anyone wants to read it. Also, about a 200 of you peeps that I have as facebook friends are students/ or former students off mine, i'd like you guys to comment as well so that I will learn and improve and the new guys can also benefit. Lets start.

Firstly - you have to have passion for what you're teaching. If you don't, your students will pick up on it and you are in trouble.

You must be prepared for class. You don't have to be a walking wikipedia but you must come across as a somewhat authority figure or at the very least - know what you're teaching.

Next point follows on from this. Don't think you know all the answers. Listen to your students, learn from them and admit when you are wrong. It doesn't make you any less of a person. Unless you say something retarded.

From the onset state that you don't have all the answers. But make an earnest attempt to research or find answers for questions raised that you may not have the answers for.

Try to spice up lectures. Students attentions spans isnt what they used to be. Largely due to the nature of modern media. We have been programmed to digest quickly and move on. Also - there is a dependency on visual media. If you can (if your course allows it - im lucky in that my stuff does) use it. I find that powerpoints help. Make your lecture notes available to students. Dont spoon feed them. What I do is that immediately after my lectures, I upload my powerpoints or references (if they are links to websites or book references) onto the department server. If students want, they can download the files and keep them. I dont like encouraging them to write down everything in class because then you are so preoccupied with dictation that you sometimes lose the essence of what is taught. I rather they listen and jot down key words, or key points.

Use humour if you can. I find that students are much more receptive and their retention is better if what im teaching is presented in a funny way. This wouldnt work for some courses so you must figure it out.

Make yourself accessible to the students. But not too accessible. Stay behind for a bit (provided there arent any lectures immediately after) and ask the students if they understood everything. Be willing to spend some time with those who come after wards and need stuff to be clarified. The ones who do this are usually the hardworkers that want to do well. Give your e-mail out, but not your cell number.

Dont try to be buddy buddy just for the sake of it. If your personality is such that you are likeable, then all well and good. But dont force it if it doesnt come naturally. Also - Draw the line. The students must feel comfortable around you to express themselves but must know that there is still a Hierarchical structure that must be respected.

Cellphones off. And that goes for you too. That time that you are teaching, is an amanaat (Trust) between you, the students and the University. Its not the time to answer calls from your mates who want to just say hi.

Make sure that your students know what is required of them when you set assignments and projects. I always give guidelines - approximate page numbers help. Ensure that everyone knows what is expected of them. Uniformity is sometimes key. I insist on typed, 12 Font Times New Roman with one and half spacing from all my students. Spend some time going over layout.

Stamp out plagiarism from the word go. This is a huge problem in our universities these days, and it is just exacerbated by the accessibility of information available on the internet. What I do is that whenever i set an assignment, I firstly wikipedia (yes i use it as a verb)the subject matter and read through that a few times, as well as google key phrases in an effort to identify articles or webpages that might be plagiarised.

Be fair with all students. Be consistent with punishment, and reward.

Always be willing to learn and check up from time to time on updated knowledge or revised editions of your specific field. Even something as seemingly static as history changes when new information is brought to the fore.

Jeez. I didnt expect to write so much. I hope this helps though. If you want to know more - just e-mail me at mediajihad@gmail.com and we can brainstorm :)

I'm going to be sitting on a panel tonight for a radio show being hosted by Fatima Asmal. Its about problems facing our youth and i'l be chatting with Moulana Kamdar, Baba Ali, and Edris Khamissa. So thats 8:30 PM till 10:30 PM on 103 FM Stereo so tune in for that. Its streaming on

http://www.alansaar.co.za/raa/raa103.html

MJ

My title has nothing to do with this post. I watched the movie last night and I really enjoyed it so I had to put that in there :)

First Trailer for Attack of The Indian Werewolf

2010-02-21T20:32:00.002+02:00

Its not really a spoiler that I die anymore. In fact - it seems to have become a running joke of sorts. But I dont mind. It was great fun shooting and being a part of this movie. Hits Local (i.e Durban) Theatres in March, and if the response is good we will be taking it Nationwide (i.e Lenz)

MJ

It Is Not The Spoon That Bends, It Is Only Yourself

2010-02-20T17:29:00.004+02:00

Concerning Unity

2010-02-19T18:23:00.001+02:00

I'm too old for pimples.

Surely I have outgrown puberty by now.

Sadly no one told this pimple that.

Theres no quick fix either. No magical ointment that will make it go away instantly. Sure, the girls might use concealer, but all youre really doing is just hiding the problem.

Lifes like that sometimes. So often we skim past the fine print. We ingest the weight loss pill but neglect the kilojoule controlled diet. Thats like tossing a blind man a Rubicks cube. I dont actually find that to be particularly mean though. I'm guessing its all going to be one colour anyway. Black.

Dont worry - no blind person is going to read this note.

Thats a real test - being blind. Not a silly bit of oily dirty skin. Reminds me of the last ayat of Surah Baqarah*.

But it is difficult. To not feel pity for oneself. Its difficult for me, to imagine that the world isnt spinning around me. I hate being excluded, but this shouldnt hurt me. it shouldnt make me upset. Especially when its silly.

When you are young it is so easy to see the flaws in each others deen. You know exactly why you are right and why everyone else is wrong. Hopefully when you grow older you realise that it doesnt matter whose right and whose wrong. All that matters is that you are a good person. That you are good to your family, your friends and your community. I dont find the need to define myself by pointing out what I am not.

They do this, and they do that. They sit and they stand. They fold their hands. They fold their trousers. They fold their handkerchiefs into make-do hats. We get so caught up in this defining game. The creation of the other.

Those who know my nature know that I am a calm and laidback person, but there are four things that anger me

1. If someone spills alcohol onto me
2. If someone hits a woman
3. And if someone smokes near a child.
4. If two Muslims are fighting

How often do we hear about this call to Unity. Islam has never had more followers, but we have never been so weak. There is no strength in numbers. We have been surpassed in the realm of technology, medicine, economics and every other field.

How much longer can we hold onto the glory of Muslims in Spain? Yes, we paved the way for eye surgery. And then what? We dropped the ball.

Yes - we gave women rights that were unheard of at the time. We gave them dignity, value. And then what? We keep them locked up at home, we have honour killings, we dont educate them.

This isnt Islam...

But Muslims are doing it. We allow the Saudi government to pave and destroy our heritage sites,so that a new starbucks can be built. So that we can have a happy meal between tawaafs. We build these huge skyscrapers in the desert, so we can hold a silly record for the tallest building. I wonder how many lives are worth that little plaque that hangs in the lobby. I wonder how many Palestinian children could be educated with that money. How many Yemeni children could be fed. This is the inequality we live with. Where our Sheikhs have Gold plated taps, and our brothers in Bangladesh dont even have clean water.

We speak about unity, but what is it? I really want to know how we could be united. I wrote about this before but I want to touch on it again - what if when the the Mahdi appears, we dont want to follow him because his mannerisms dont resemble our own? We are becoming so isolated in our own school of thought that we fail to realise that there is an entire world out there of Muslims. Its bigger than us.

We all think we are the chosen ones and the other 72 are doomed to hell. Show me the brotherhood in this kind of mentality?

I do not agree with what some Aalims say, but I still respect them.

I do not want to be a moderate if being moderate means further division in this Ummah. I do not want to a fundamentalist if a fundamentalist is one that disregards any interpretation but his own

I just want to find my place

MJ

* I'l paste the ayat in the comments page.

Read the Majlis Much?

2010-02-18T19:16:00.001+02:00

The Pied Piper - by Yoriyos

2010-02-18T17:21:00.002+02:00

I adore this track :)

The Pied Piper by Muhammed Islam (son of Yusuf Islam) he goes by the stage name of Yoriyos.

Wholesome music with a great message :)

Types of Women - The ECW Originals

2010-02-13T19:30:00.001+02:00

So this Prince of Darkness (and all associated paraphernalia) has written a post on the different types of women out there. All well and good, but maybe i'm just exposed to the more extreme variety of female form. So with that in mind - Heres a couple of categories that Hamish might have missed out on. And no, this is by no way a complete list. I just hope to add to the discourse. Also - this list is extremely biased and only represents one end of the spectrum. Also - like Tolkien said in his preface to the Lord of the Rings - this piece isnt meant to be allegorical so dont assume it is about anyone in particular.

Smeagol/ Gollum

Note that this is different from the 'confused' chick, which I shall get into next.
The smeagol / gollum chick resembles something from that seminal soliloquy in the Two Towers

S: He does have a lot of time for me
G: Yeah, but its just the first eight months
S: but he is a sweet guy
G: Im sure Hitlers mum thought the same thing about him
S: He bought me a lovely watch, he must care alot
G: Should have held out longer and got a bracelet. One of those white gold bracelets.
S: But he likes me for me
G: So does Ashraf. I'm sure he would have bought you a bracelet
S: I do like white gold my preciouss

Confused chick

Traditionally, if you were confused you would be perplexed or confounded, unable to distinguish or even choose between two things. Confused chicks are NEVER confused. They know exactly what they want. but they appear confused because they can never appear to seem to having their cake, and subsequently stuffing their faces with it. 'Confused' chicks are very similar or rather have the same mindset as ...

The Victim

The victim is a wiley attention seeking prat. She knows how to play that innocent yet slightly naughty angle so well, that if she were to write about it on wikipedia, no one would edit it. ever! Guys love that angle, so every time she updates her facebook with one of the 'why me?' status updates, she can be assured of having at least eight people consoling her and ensuring her that whatever happened, it was surely not her fault. The victim never takes responsibility for her actions, but then again.. why would she? Its much easier to ignore casualties.

Rally Chick

Rally chicks, or cause whores are notorious for joining causes or for being a part of protest marches, not because they give a shit... but because they just love rallies. Thats why you'd see them at the most pointless of rallies. Is there a 'Save the T Rex' march happening on Friday? You'l be sure that Rally chick will be there. Rally chicks dont care about anything except rallies. Thats why they'l attend a pro life rally on wednesday and a pro choice one on thursday. Be wary of the ones who join every single group on facebook. Thats usually a safe sign that you might know a rally chick.

The Dementor

This chicks purpose is nothing more than to suck the life and happiness out of you. Excited about winning a competition or getting good grades or being elected to some position? Watch how the Dementor saps it out of you by reminding you that you were just lucky, or that a monkey could have got an A or that her pet Lizard would have beaten you provided that the voters were allowed to elect reptiles. Dementors are never happy for you. Its always about them. And once youve been exposed to the dementors kiss, no Patronus can save your ass.

The Sugar Daddy Girl

These materialistic bitches dont love you, they love the Prada purses you blow three of your paychecks to get them. Sure, it might seem all good for the moment, but one day you're going to be eating beans out of a can for supper six days a week so that on Sundays you can take her out for Crayfish. I dont feel sorry for guys who end up being sugar daddies.

Feel free to add more in the comments section

MJ

All Your Badr Are Belong To Us

2010-02-09T22:29:00.004+02:00

MJ introducing Waahid

2010-02-09T15:06:00.002+02:00

Last Night of the Al Ansaar Souk. During the Car draw. Sixteen Thousand people in attendance. Was caught offguard to introduce a nasheed group. This is how it went down.

Michael Jackson Nasheeds - MJ Style (infomercial)

2010-02-05T08:17:00.000+02:00

Michael Jackson was not a Muslim.

Now that we have established that, It would be fun to imagine what his songs would be like had he been one. Ive done this before with Bob Marleys songs so it seemed fun to try it with some Michael jackson songs too. Ive kept to the tune so it might help to have the original playing in the background if you would like to sing along.

------------------------------------------------

Muslims around the world rejoice as the King of Pop releases his first Nasheed album since converting, and unlike Yusuf Islam - It hasnt taken him twenty years to do so. Replace that moonwalk for the Iqama shuffle. That silver glove for some leather socks and join Mikaeel as he sings about his experiences as a Muslim. All his great tracks - Now halaal!

Who can forget popular tracks like his Hajj song,' Wanna be circlin somethin'

I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'
I Said You Wanna Be Circlin' Somethin'
You Got To Be Circlin' Somethin'
It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)
Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)
You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)
And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)
It's Not Hard To make dua (Yeah, Yeah)
Too walk To the safa (Yeah, Yeah)
You're makin The Tawaaf (Yeah, Yeah)
And running to Marwa (Yeah, Yeah)

To classics from the good old days with the 'Jackson Five'

'Blame it on the Biddah'

My fiqh is always changin'
And it wouldn't be a bad thing
But I don't get no thawaab
And that's no lie

We spent the night innovating
with every kind of dating
And from that night I kissed
My iman goodbye

CHORUS:
Don't blame it on sunnah
Don't blame it on tafseer
Don't blame it on muftis
Blame it on the biddah

To songs of Unity like this popular one

Dont matter if you Are Shiite

Don't Tell Me You Agree With Me
When I Saw You making takfir of that man

But, If
You're Thinkin' bout being my brother
It Don't Matter If You're are Shiite

I Said If
You're Thinkin' Of
Being My brother
It Don't Matter If You are shiite

I Said If
You're Thinkin' Of
Being My Hajibhai
It Don't Matter If You are shiite

Mikaeels nasheeds are full of good messages, like this classic which reminds us to be wary of paying our Fitrah

It's close to fajr and something heavy is weighing in your heart
You havent paid your fitrah, the Eid Gah is almost about to start
You try to rush but someone takes the tin before you make it
You start to freeze as they started reading the takbeer on the field
You're paralyzed

'Cause this isnt Lillah, Lillah bhai
And this is obligation, its a wajib, its their right
You know it not Lillah, Lillah bhai
You're fighting for some time before the six takbeers and hugging outside

MJ

What we Do In Taraweeh

2010-02-03T10:28:00.000+02:00

How Ke$ha Spends her Day

2010-02-03T09:42:00.002+02:00

To Appropriate Chris Rock

2010-02-03T07:41:00.003+02:00

The Anonymous Callers Podcast

2010-01-26T20:14:00.002+02:00

My last show for the Muharram broadcast. I intended for it to be a feedback show for the Souk, and I wanted to discuss Hoaxes in our community (something which I have written about before but I will touch on again soon)

However - I was inundated with calls from people who wanted to complain about something or the other, so I gave them a platform to air their views. Hope you guys enjoy it. And you can download the file from this link

Inappropriate Wedding Day Tweets

2010-01-25T04:50:00.002+02:00

Some folks feel the need to tweet everything they do. So i'm thinking - what if a guy who is addicted to twitter, tweets continuously on his wedding day?

i'm guessing it will look something like this.

https://twitter.com/mahomedjunaid

For those not familiar with twitters template - the posts are in chronological order which means that you need to scroll down and and work your way up.

Also - Ive included a time before each tweet.

This ones dedicated to the birthday Girl, ms Samina Anwary and to the Queen of the tweets, ms Khadija Patel

Heres a transcript so you dont have to click the link if you dont care much for twitters template

(morning) Big Day is here :D So excited. Must not forget to shave balls

(08:30) Shoutout to @momo78666 @slumjedi and @taubah-later for kick-ass bachelor party last night. Those girls can bend

(08:32) err Bachelor movie night watching step up 2. yeah - thanks for that one

(9:00) Why are there so many kids in my house.

(10:00) Need a funky walk in. Something that says 'Look at Me'. Must think of one and tell sound guy.

(14:00) I dont see the point in packing an overnight bag.

(15:00) Getting my hair done. damn topi is going to mess up the gel.

(16:00) Oh Fudge. Does anyone know how to tie a tie? These damn youtube videos suck

(16:30) Dam i'm looking good. How do I upload a twitpic?

(17:30) Entering Mosque. Bye Bye Freedom. hello Ball and Chain

(17:47) How can this Moulana not bring a pen? Come on- its not your first nikkah signing. Bring Book and Pen. I didnt forget your envelope

(17:50) Totally nailed those three words. MJ FTW! Stand in line and hug me bitches

(18:00) Brides little sister shoved a glass of pink milkshake in my face. I'm saying pink and not strawberry bcoz this tastes nothin like it

(18:05) Right - Ready to walk down. OH SHIT! forgot to organise a walk in. Hope they play something cool for me to walk down to

(18:06) Flip! Kenny G.

(18:08) Who are all these old ladies that are hugging me. Smearing their bright red lipstick on my cheek. yeuckh!

(18:12) Enough of this now. I want to see my wife!

(18:13) The wife (I love saying this) is looking hot. I WIN!

(18:18) Feels weird sitting on the stage. Everyones looking at me. I feel like a monkey. Actually im just feeling for a banana

(18:26) Who gave this old nob the mike? Its hot on stage. I need to signal someone to turn the airconditioning up.

(18:37) Ballie stop talking!

(18:46) This Salaami is taking long. My legs are starting to go numb. Wife's Tab uncle is standing - much respect :D

(18:53) Finally! we get some food. yes - theres coke. ALLAHUAKBAR!

(18:58) wife not eating. Might need to get her some super C's or Red Bulls or something for later. lol.

(19:01) I think I have some green shit stuck in my teeth

(19:25) Picture Time. Damn that zaheera aunty has a large family. They must have polished a deg on their own.

(19:56) How much longer will this take? I need to fart

(20:45) Time for 'couple' shots. I feel a little silly in these poses. Hope I come out hot though - I need a new fb profile pic.

(21:03) wife is wishing family. Crying. Shes making me feel bad

(21:05) wife brother is holding her and crying. haha fag!

(21:17) Finally! Onwards towards hotel driver. Hmm - changing fb relationship status to 'married'. UPDATE!

(21:43) Lying on bed. In my boxers. Wife is going to take all those pins and shit out of her hair and wear something sexy for me.

(22:17) What is she doing in there?

(22:19) should have packed a magazine or something. Maybe i'l log onto mxit for a few minutes. Oh look - engineering book by the TV

(22:20) Insert Tab A into slot B. haha @taubah-later - you nob!

(22:23) Well hello gorgeous! Grooarr. Get on the bed woman! I want you all night long. I'm iron Man! I'l go for hours

(22:24) Is that it?

(22:25) this sucks

(22:26) Wife dsnt seem too thrilled with performance. Turned over and gone to sleep. Oh well - might as well watch champ league highlights

MJ

Concerning Movies (2009)

2010-01-24T04:55:00.001+02:00

My annual movie awards returneth.

Ive decided to use the same categories as my 2007 recap and my 2008. So lets see what won

As with all my posts/notes - its subjective. So if you disagree - by all means correct me.

Best animated movie
Up (stunning movie)

Worst Animated Movie
Bolt 3D

Best Comic Book Movie
X men Origins: Wolverine

Best Bollywood Movie
I watched 3 Idiots on friday - but since it came out in 2009 (in South Africa) i'm going to include it - otherwise the column would be blank (New York was the least mediocre though)

Best Adaptation
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Best movie most people will overlook
Zombieland

Crappiest Sequel
Transformers 2

Best Movie experience
Zombieland

Biggest movie thats not in my list except here just to point out that it didnt win anything
Star Trek

Best Sequel
Night at the Museum 2

Most surprisingly awesome
Hannah Montana.... i'm just kidding - Invictus (watched in 2010 released in 2009)

Worst movie Shiraz picked
G.I Joe

Best Comedy
The Hangover

Biggest dissapointment
Terminator Salvation

Worst Adaptation
G.I Joe

Worst Popcorn
Pavilion

Best Popcorn
Cinema Nouveau Gateway

Worst Movie
Streetfighter: Legend of Chun Li

Movie of the Year
District 9

The Nicholas Cage award for crap acting
Knowing

MJ
(p.s - I might change my mind if I remember something)

Concerning Age

2010-01-22T06:34:00.004+02:00

I dont know why people ask me for relationship advice. Seriously. The last relationship I had ended in 2003. I'm like the last person you should ask for relationship advice. Well, second last really - Chris Brown takes the honours for this one. Asking me about relationships is like asking Gandhi for bodybuilding tips.

So this guy asks me if age is a big deal. And my reply is - "well, it depends really". So I asked him what the age gap is like - I dont believe in that 'age is just a number' cliche - tell that to your parole officer. He is like, "ten years". See, it depends. I mean, if he is 35, and she is 25 - then I dont see a problem really. But if he's 18...

Another question I sometimes get is "Shes the love of my life, I'd die for her, but her father wont let me marry her". Off course he wont you asshole, you are both sixteen. Finish Matric at least - spend three months in your daddy's shop and then try again. Until then - do your calculus homework.

And now everyone is falling in love online. Mxit romance and facebook flings and what not. "MJ - this chick I like flirts with guys on her wall". I'm like "Dude, its facebook - most chicks act slutty on facebook. Its just the nature of this platform. BTW, she mwah'ed me on my wall about two hours ago and im not even into her. Does your mum have facebook?"

And its not just the guys that are misguided into thinking I give a shit - Dont get me started on the sententious girls. And some are conniving as well. Lets forget about the horrible bitches in my mwah generation post. I'm talking about the girls who act all confused like Bella from twilight. She deserves a slap, and you deserve two because you are not a fictional character from the mind of an insane Mormon writer. They say you cant have your cake and eat. I say - have your cake. Stuff your face with it. but have one at a time. Dont lead some poor sap on. its just a vicious cycle really. Dont play two guys against each other as well. If you make it into a competition, all you become is a little prize. Stop being a bloody trinket!

Some people have this laugh reflex. They'l make themselves vulnerable by taking a leap and telling someone how they feel, and after they get shot down they retort..."aah just kidding, lol!" and kinda brush it off. I'm not like that. i can understand why people would do that - you struck out and you want to salvage what you had before. But once you cross that line you cant take it back. Sure, the other person might laugh it off but in their heart they know that the playing field has shifted slightly. This however is a generalisation. Sometimes friendships are actually strengthened. Not all the time, but sometimes.

I dont know why we complicate shit. Just be true to each other and see what happens. But what do I know, i'm just the guy giving shitty advice :)

MJ

I have set up a formspring account because monkey see monkey do, so swing by and ask me shit.

The Mwah Generation

2010-01-20T03:18:00.003+02:00

I'm sick of the 'mwah' generation.

I really am.

Maybe i'm getting too old. But ive never ROFL'ed or LMAO. I dont feel the need to distinguish my laughter into different categories of intensity. LOL works just fine, and if its just mildly amusing i just :). And in a bid to one up, theres all these new laughing acronyms - this guy told me the other day that he ROTFGFITADOAL - I was like, what the hell is that, and he's like 'Rolled On The Floor, Got Fingered in the ass, died of Aids laughing'.

How do I respond to that? apart from deleting his dumb ass. And ive been doing alot of that recently. Call me fickle or jaded but I just cant stand this mwah generation.

Ive been having alot of incidents with bitchy chicks as well. Young, messed up bitches - heres one of the conversations - I'm not hiding the name - I dont care. This chick asked me if I had a girlfriend and then after that said she has someone for me. Lets pick it up from here.

Mary January 8 at 11:22pm

Okay I lied I dont know her but I heard from someone, a good friend of mine, who knows this girls friend that she has a big crush on u. She worked at the souk 2009 a few days I think at the islamic exibition. My friend and I think she is a little bit of a loser, but u can see, she is so old and has braces yeuch!. Im doing this as a joke, but we want to see her reaction when she finds out. (*EDIT* 'I removed The Chicks name and the chicks number - no benefit in mentioning this - Dont mention me she doesnt know me! Lmao let us know!

Mary January 8 at 11:23pm

Reply a.s.a.p

Mj Khan January 8 at 11:40pm

That is cruel and i'd like no part in it. Slm

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Mary January 8 at 11:48pm Report

Its not. Really.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Mary January 9 at 11:19am Report

Okay the loser and joke and old comments im sorry for but thats just our opinion. Shes about your age with glasses and braces, it is a little strange? The rest is all true.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Mj Khan January 9 at 3:45pm

it is a cruel and malicious thing to do . to anyone.

Mary January 9 at 4:30pm Report

To do what? I apologized. Im not doing anything anymore. I just thought u should know.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Mary January 9 at 4:32pm Report

And anyway she would never have known, so its not like being cruel to her face. Anyway

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Mj Khan January 9 at 4:42pm

you dont get it, do you. its not whether she knows or not. its the principle of the matter.

i have no time for childish games.

...And shes not the only one. I have at least five different experiences dealing with these bitchy teenage girls.

Maybe I am too old, but if someone tells me 'sup' every three minutes on mxit, I will delete them. I call them the mwah generation because after everything they say, they insert a mwah. mwah this and mwah that - its bloody irritating. Mxit Conversations sometimes go like this

MJ is online

qtpie786-zn : sup mwah
MJ : reading a book
qtpie786-zn : what book mwah
MJ : Its about how tobacco was the catalyst for a global economic system
qtpie786-zn : O ok, sup?
MJ : I just told you what im doing. What are you doing?
qtpie786-zn : lib
MJ : Cool. didnt know youre into reading too
qtpie786-zn : huh
qtpie786-zn : Oh no. Im lying in Bed. mwah
MJ : Do you end every sentence with a mwah?
qtpie786-zn : No I dont
MJ : I'm off. slms
qtpie786-zn : OK mwah

MJ is offline.

And its not just the girls - all these guys are doing it too. They'l meet someone and its 'ASL Mwah? OK - so you covering age (thats important - you dont want to chat up a 15 year old girl) you got sex (I think the S stands for sex? you dont want to chat up another guy) and youve got location (whats the point of chatting up a chick in Mozambique - youre not looking for friendship - you want action) The MWAH could be helpful too - Married? Widowed? Available? Horny? I need the married filter - because three quarter of the chicks in my 'net' or hunting ground are married, and contrary to what your mummy might have told you - MJ does not break homes.

And another thing - stop bloody passing off other peoples shit as your own. Its a douche thing to do. Sometimes i'd see a status update and I know that person ripped it off from the net. Its ok to use quotes and stuff - but dont take credit for it. And im not being pretentious here or anything - ive always been a stickler for referencing. Dont pass off other peoples stuff as your own.

This is getting a little long, so i'l stop now and pick this up another time.

So to all those materialistic, bad grammar, superfluous bitches out there - Grow up. The world is bigger than you. Stop being so consumed with yourself and try to make the world a better place.

I'm too old for this shit

MJ

feel free to add stuff.

Some Thoughts on Humpty Dumpty

2010-01-19T04:00:00.004+02:00

For some reason I was thinking about Humpty Dumpty tonight. Now ive dealt with my own interpretations of nursery rhymes before and humpty in all his clumsy glory has come up, but tonight I was thinking about it from another angle

Just out of curiosity - who would have been able to put Humpty Dumpty together again? The Kings men and the Kings Horses failed epically - but who would have been able to help? The Doctor, The Chef, The Builder? Humpty was doomed the moment he got on that bloody wall.

Which begs the question - Why did Humpty get on the wall in the first place? Was he feeling suicidal? Was he looking for attention? Was he protesting? What was his intention?

Perhaps Humpty read the Majlis and found out that his mother was from the Rainbow farm, and not certified halaal and this shocked him and he committed suicide?

Another theory could be that Humpty grew tired of the 'which came first' philosophical question (obviously its the Chicken but I wouldnt want to argue with a large anthropomorphic egg) and decided to make a statement of sorts.

Eggs are notorious for turning rotten so perhaps Humpty was just being a bit rebellious and he balanced on the wall in his James Dean Jeans and t shirt. Rebel without a gauze.

Maybe he met Neo who told him that the world is a computer programme designed to fool us. Just maybe, 'there is no wall'? Next time you'l take the blue pill.

But enough about Humpty - All the kings horses and all the kings men were there to help him. All of them? How many men does it take to put an egg together? Were there no wars? or Security concerns or anything like that? And what were the horses supposed to do? If anything, i'd imagine they'd make matter worse. Hooves and all that. You might say - hang on MJ, youre being a bit silly, horses are there for transport. And while I consider this entire exercise to be pointless and would agree with you... then why mention the horse? I mean - in modern times we wouldnt say All the kings porsches and all the Kings men, now would we?

I like the idea that even though all the incompetent men were there, they still couldnt put Humpty together again. It reminds me that sometimes we cant repair whats broken, we cant just pick up the pieces and make it whole again. Sure we can try. And we must try. But sometimes we have to wipe the yolk off the concrete and move on.

MJ

P.S - Horses cant fix shit

Wall 1 - Humpty 0