Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Random Status Updates (May - July 2010)

So I decided to save some of my status updates in case I ever write a book or something and I need to fill in those spaces where Serverus Snape used to write all his stuff in his potions book. Serverus was a Bidat'i of note. Always trying to innovate and change the textual guidelines. Anyway - I thought I'd capture a few updates from the past six months. But I update too often, so this is May to July Some of them are contextual (World Cup etc)

Maafbusters, the new show on discovery channel - Join us as we use investigative questions like 'why' and 'what for' to test the validity and sincerity of maafs.


Nowhere on this bag of peas does it state that it can be used as a princess verifier.


The Biggest Loser Ethiopia: Now thats a marketing fail


What do you do when the wife is angry with you? Make muff


Mwah should not be used as a replacement for a fullstop.


Nike should not sponsor suicide hotlines


I have no interest in Islamic banking


My butter salt has an anti caking agent. Your mum should have put some in your milk formula.


Watching captain Planet. Its like an eco friendly Benetton advert.


Bryan Adams is touring South Africa. You better attend, because everything he does, he does it FOR YOU!


I think all the people who failed the home affairs entrance exam are now working the suncoast confectionery counter


Lahm is so short, if his kit was yellow he'd look like a Mcdonalds player escort


The French players probably wish they didn't ban the niqab in France.


I asked the Mcdonalds cashier to give me a woody. They asked me to leave. Apparently Mcdonalds isn't doing a toy story happy meal.


The only time the Port Elizabeth stadium is full is when i'm playing xbox.


The cameramen only focus on the rabid crazy eyed looking fans. I think they use the same guys to take pictures at all the Muslim rallies.


Saw and The City. Now thats a movie collaboration I'd watch


Dear Japanese Tourists. It is safe to remove the face masks. Its not the same SARS you have back home


Was looking for a hot piece of ass. Spur waitress recommended Tikka Chargrilled rump.


"Trust pink. Forget stains". That just sounds wrong.


Pawpaw is like Kryptonite for MJ


Birthdays only come once a year. Unless you like Spur ice cream.


Nothing is expired if you own a permanent marker


I think final destination 2 did for log trucks what jaws did for peoples fear of sharks.


'Insha Allah' now means 'I dont want to attend but I also dont want to hurt your feelings and say no'.


I dont know how many people are really born again and how many people just like fish


Most of the time when i write gtg i don't really HAVE to go.


Its not that Muslim countries suck at football, they are all just afraid of paying zakaat for that trophy.


I wanted to live in a world with dinosaurs. Then I watched Jurassic Park.


Facebook should change the 'people you may know' list to 'random people with lots of mutual friends'


Watched 'Men who stare at Goats'. Disappointed because I thought it was about Al Qaeda. I'm sure Bin Laden must have been disappointed when he watched Big Bang Theory.


I love coke, but I hardly have it as a status update because i'm afraid of typos.


my beard has not improved my cricket


I just want a mario t shirt without all that baby milo shit on it.


Ents are the worst husbands in middle earth


Possible SAHUC Headline, "Don't come here with your price-fixing tendencies. This is a revolutionary Hajj. Bloody Agent!


Just passed a store called bs creations. Sounds like they have Low self esteem issues.


Every date with a purdah chick is a blind date



MJ

Monday, July 26, 2010

Ode to O-tees

I just had a bowl of O-Tees for breakfast. They are delicious!

Versatile little buggers. You can even eat them without milk. Cant do that with all-Bran.

I've always been a cereal kind of guy - Not because of the health benefits or anything like that - Just because its easy to make. I always choose the simpler option. Then again, kids dont care about healthy eating. I didnt eat my coco pops because they contained Vitamin B6 and Niacin - I ate them because they were chocolately and made the milk brown.


An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but not if its a toffee apple. But thats the thing about being a kid - you dont care about brands. Well, except Coco Pops. Because the moment they changed the name to Choco Crispies it didnt taste as good. I dont know what it was - Maybe the extra syllable. Luckily it reverted to Coco Pops so yay. I remember the adverts with the monkey, and he had all his jungle friends, but they made the crocodile a dick. I felt sorry for the crocodile, because that punk monkey wouldnt share any coco pops with him. No good monkey, polluting the rivers with coco pops. I'm #teamcroc.

Then came chocos, and that was crap. Mostly because it never got soft enough so it would always hurt my palette. I hated Chocos.

I think Fruit Loops are O-tees Drug addicted cousin. That Pelican looks like its on LSD. I used to read a lot of Archie Comics so I always wanted to taste Cap'n Crunch.

Whats your favourite cereal?

MJ

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Concerning Eclipse

Warning: This post contains spoilers, but not the type you add to your Citi Golf because you think it will impress chicks.

I HATE BELLA!

I really do. I'm going to be a little more restrained with this review (i.e try to be more critical and open to discussion as opposed to my New Moon Piece) but at the onset everyone needs to know that if in the next movie someone shoots her head off with a shotgun in the first five minutes, it will be the best movie ever made! (Even better than Attack of The Indian Werewolf.) I watched this a few weeks ago, and thankfully I forgot most of it but here goes.

The movie opens with a two minute Volvo advert, so already I'm like "oh shit, they going to shove this brand up our asses for two hours", and no surprises but that's exactly what they did. I'm a fan of product placement when its done right. Subtle, and adding value to the movie. Instead, what we get here, are some pointless scenes of them driving around, doing nothing just so that they can push some cars. How many twelve year olds drive anyway?

Most of Bella's dialogue is probably ripped straight from the book, and while its probably done for fangirls who carry their copies of the books to the cinema (like how people used to carry bibles to Ahmed Deedat lectures) it doesn't make sense from a cinematic point of view. It just makes for these awkward introspective moments that drag out an already too long movie. I'm currently re-reading the Lord of the Rings, and I really appreciate what Peter Jackson has done with the movies because while everything isn't quoted directly from the books, the spirit and essence isn't lost. With these twilight movies, it really feels like she is just reading from passages.

With this whole Team Edward Team Jacob nonsense, I'd have to say that I lean more towards Edward. Sure he is an insecure bitch, but its Bella who made him that way. I mean, I'd be pissed if my girl got on a bike with a guy I hated, and drove off. Especially when he has this smug look on his face. I'd be like "I hope you crash and die", but then she'd just fight with me more. 'Lose-lose' over there. And the absolute worst moment is after they are 'engaged', and she kisses Jacob. What the hell is that!! I need caps for this..

BELLA YOU BITCH!

I see the same traits in her as I do in the villain - evil, conniving and manipulative. Thats all she is. She isnt confused at all. She knows exactly what shes doing, playing with these chumps feelings. What kind of message does that send to all these impressionable teens who watch the movie? A person who could care less about anyone elses feelings. Who lives for the moment. Without consequence, responsibility or accountability. Using men as a means to her own ends.

Jacob is so whiny throughout the movie, "Oh Bella, choose me". What a fag. You almost kinda pity him. Almost. I mean, in the second movie he had a shot, seeing that Edward was out of the picture somewhat...but to really think he has any chance here is just ridiculous. Lots of Mormon propaganda when Bella wanted to have sex but Edward was acting all noble and coy. Doubt that message will leave the theatres though.

Something that I noticed, is that the Voltari reminded me of the Church somehow (perhaps more crazy Mormon propaganda) A critique of it, because you had a small group subverting what the group stood for and all of that.

I have to admit - the fight scene was pretty cool, although I'm sure the werewolves were smaller in the second movie. When Jacob stood next to Bella it was like a huge Grizzly.

The weird thing is, for my dislike of the franchise, this movie wasn't as bad as the other two. But that's like saying 'I have Chlamydia so its not as bad as syphilis. Its still an STD at the end of the day. Sure, they were huge continuity issues like Edward not sparkling every time he stood in the sun. And lets not forget, he went to Florida to visit Bellas mum. Do you know how sunny Florida is? Its nickname is 'the sunshine state'. But that pretty much sums up twilight movies - Logic and acting sacrificed for Fluff and sparkle

p.s Bella is a bitch!

MJ

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Concerning World Cup Posters

Boston.com has some stunning pics of the World Cup. Its only fair I distort them somehow :)

Enjoy.





MJ