Saturday, October 23, 2010

Concerning Heroism

Heroism is often described as bravery, gallantry and fortitude.

But since I'm still having problems with three syllable words, I have no idea what any of that means.

For me heroism is a combination of dashing good looks, foolhardy decisions, and the lack of a little voice which tells me that sticking my hand in a biltong shredder is counter-productive. (whatever that means - damn syllables)

It was either Buddha or Optimus Prime who said "fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing"

To choose one heroic moment among the dozen is difficult. Mostly because I'm usually unconscious when they happen. like the time I saw the iceberg and hit my head before I could warn the captain, or even when I was supposed to be keeping an eye on Kanye West at that movie awards and mistakenly got punched in the face by Queen Latifah when I told her she was great in Precious.

So here I was on a yacht with former wrestler Carlito, former Tennis superstar Pete Sampras, former Heroes star Milo Ventimiglisomething and former American President Bill Clinton. Aah yes, the 'S.S Washed up' was brimming with hacks. And I dont mean the type who break into wikipedia and edit the 'Woolworths' page.

The Peter Petrelli guy wanted to go fishing because he heard that the Loch Ness monster lived in water. Bill Clinton tried to convince him that we were sailing on the Pacific Ocean but since the whole Monica Lewisnky thing, Big Willies credibility is worthless. So we all lined up, facing starboard ( I googled that) and cast our lines into the ocean. Everyone but Pete Sampras who complained about something called 'Tennis elbow'. I think he picked it up while playing wii sports.

Within a few minutes the Heroes dude was jerked forward by a sudden tug on his line. Could the legend of Nessie actually be true? And if it was, why was Fate allowing this guy to catch it and not someone cooler like Charlie Sheen? Before I could continue my train of thought between who was a better tv star, Two and a Half Mens Charlie or CSI's Grissom, (who incidently was on the yacht with us, I heard a shriek that sounded like a little girl who had been hit by an old rear projection tv. One of those big ones that rich people used to own before plasmas were invented.

Turns out that Vanilla Ice and some other wash-outs were scuba diving in the exact spot where we had cast our lines, and that Milo 'Petrelli' managed to snag Ice by the mouth.

Without hesitating I jumped past Russel Crowe and snipped the line using a swiss army knife that was all the rage in the late eighties. I dont know what I was doing with a swiss army knife at the time, I mean, seriously, we all have one but we never ever use it. They should put a nailclipper in it. So anyway - I cut the line and saved Vanilla Ice who went on to star in a Castle Light advert which was huge in South Africa. It was because of this incident that Mariah Carey sang the song 'And then an MJ came along, with the strength to carry on'.

True Story.

Yeah, I think it was Optimus Prime who said that.


bb_aisha said...

Enjoyed the last paragraph the most & the last line=classic.

"Will you be my hero, baby" now in my head

Unknown said...

"Within a few minutes the Heroes dude was jerked forward by a sudden tug on his line."

Here I was reading your blog to my 13 year old nephew, and he asks me why a Hero would be caught jerking and tugging on his line! Duuude!!
True story.

Prixie said...

Hahaha, thanks for making me laugh on a (dreaded) monday morning.

er, can you really confuse Buddha with Optimas Prime?! lol...

M Junaid said...

guess what guys .. I won the competition :)