Warning! This post contains inconsequential spoilers and gay vampires.
If theres one thing I hate, it is a conniving bitch, and I'd be hardpressed to find one more evil than Bella in this ridiculous Romdom (I just coined this term - It stands for a Dom Romantic movie)
I just dont get it. And im worried that these impressionable bitches that fill up the cinema for every show are going to think its ok to have someone on the side for comfort when your faggy boyfriend cant step up to the plate. Do not lead people on!
I watched the movie at Musgrave this afternoon and it was one of the most awkward sittings ive had to endure. All these eleven year olds with their popcorn, coke, astros combos, transfixed on the screen, being spoon fed what could possibly be the cheesiest dialogue in cinema history, all the while not realising what a bitch Bella is. And the worst thing is that they want to be Bella because they all want their Mr Sparkle and Mr six pack Woofles. I'l always maintain that Twilight is for Prepubescent girls who are too old for High School Musical.
Heres a quick rundown of the story
Bella laments the fact that she is now old (18 - the horror) and almost gets ravaged by some hobbit looking vampire when she cuts her finger opening a gift at her birthday party. It is unclear whether she is allowed into the Cullens household when she is menstruating, but since this is something the target audience doesnt deal with because they havent reached puberty, we will never know.
So anyway, Hero Vampire Glitter Boy realises that the next time his clumsy bitch girlfriend cuts herself while doing something mundane she could be eaten (although this didnt really ocur to him in the first movie when some other generic vampire was getting some major hand action with her), so he does the noble thing by packing up shop and leaving. Not before swiftly punching her in the stomach with a non convincing line that he doesnt love her yadda yadda yadda. A swift attempt to abort any notion of love if I have ever seen one. Resume foetal position and cry. For approximately two seasons (Thats weather seasons as opposed to like two seasons of CSI)
So Bella gets all emo and stuff and proceeds to have either very horrible nightmares or extremely painful orgasms. Either way, her poor dad hardly gets any sleep reminding us what a selfish bitch she is. She then realises she needs a mild distraction to help her get over her glittering boy wonder, and who better to serve this role then some guy who she knows loves her. Lets face it, you have to be really crazy about someone to put up with their incessant shit, and boy does Bella heave it around. Naturally, the Indian Werewolf is thrilled because he thinks that if he sticks around long enough, he might just win by default, or at the very least get a hand job or something. So he plays the role of the 'brother/friend' . She leads him on for a while, and they make it seem like every time he is about to kiss her, he is cock-blocked somehow, and eventually (because she keeps seeing Glitterboy everytime she does something life threatening like jump off a cliff or use a cellphone while flying...ok, maybe the second one isnt lifethreatening, no matter how hard SAA tries to convince us otherwise.)
So she gives him the whole 'I like you, but I like like Edward more spiel, and you know how Muslim boys turn to drugs when they get rejected, this asshole was too hardcore for that, so he gave into peer pressure and became a fluffy Lycan (although they will never call them lycans in the movie, lest it reminds people of a proper Vampire/werewolf movie)
Then she doesnt update her facebook status for three hours, and Glitter boy thinks she is dead, and he realises he cant live while shes dead (not that he had a problem living a few thousand miles away from her when he thought she was alive) he decides to go to Italy to get himself killed. This is supposed to show all the kiddies self sacrifice because he loved her and all that crap but honestly - if you love someone, you dont let them go. Ever! Remember that boys and girls.
Long story short, he doesnt die, Jacob confronts him, gets bitch slapped and is immediately portrayed as the weaker one (because lets face it, he was only keeping the bed warm till Glitter Hero got his act together anyway - we all know he had no real shot with her - guys like him finish last, and end up humping strays behind the SPCA offices. And Vampie proposes to Bella.
My advice - if you do want to watch this movie, then go for the late show because those kids will get on your nerves, and you arent allowed to hit children in the cinema anymore. I'm tempted to swap the salt with anthrax. I think i'l be doing society a favour. We dont need this generation.
MJ
