Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Twilight - Possibly the worst movie ive seen this year

Warning! This post contains inconsequential spoilers and gay vampires.

If theres one thing I hate, it is a conniving bitch, and I'd be hardpressed to find one more evil than Bella in this ridiculous Romdom (I just coined this term - It stands for a Dom Romantic movie)

I just dont get it. And im worried that these impressionable bitches that fill up the cinema for every show are going to think its ok to have someone on the side for comfort when your faggy boyfriend cant step up to the plate. Do not lead people on!

I watched the movie at Musgrave this afternoon and it was one of the most awkward sittings ive had to endure. All these eleven year olds with their popcorn, coke, astros combos, transfixed on the screen, being spoon fed what could possibly be the cheesiest dialogue in cinema history, all the while not realising what a bitch Bella is. And the worst thing is that they want to be Bella because they all want their Mr Sparkle and Mr six pack Woofles. I'l always maintain that Twilight is for Prepubescent girls who are too old for High School Musical.

Heres a quick rundown of the story

Bella laments the fact that she is now old (18 - the horror) and almost gets ravaged by some hobbit looking vampire when she cuts her finger opening a gift at her birthday party. It is unclear whether she is allowed into the Cullens household when she is menstruating, but since this is something the target audience doesnt deal with because they havent reached puberty, we will never know.

So anyway, Hero Vampire Glitter Boy realises that the next time his clumsy bitch girlfriend cuts herself while doing something mundane she could be eaten (although this didnt really ocur to him in the first movie when some other generic vampire was getting some major hand action with her), so he does the noble thing by packing up shop and leaving. Not before swiftly punching her in the stomach with a non convincing line that he doesnt love her yadda yadda yadda. A swift attempt to abort any notion of love if I have ever seen one. Resume foetal position and cry. For approximately two seasons (Thats weather seasons as opposed to like two seasons of CSI)

So Bella gets all emo and stuff and proceeds to have either very horrible nightmares or extremely painful orgasms. Either way, her poor dad hardly gets any sleep reminding us what a selfish bitch she is. She then realises she needs a mild distraction to help her get over her glittering boy wonder, and who better to serve this role then some guy who she knows loves her. Lets face it, you have to be really crazy about someone to put up with their incessant shit, and boy does Bella heave it around. Naturally, the Indian Werewolf is thrilled because he thinks that if he sticks around long enough, he might just win by default, or at the very least get a hand job or something. So he plays the role of the 'brother/friend' . She leads him on for a while, and they make it seem like every time he is about to kiss her, he is cock-blocked somehow, and eventually (because she keeps seeing Glitterboy everytime she does something life threatening like jump off a cliff or use a cellphone while flying...ok, maybe the second one isnt lifethreatening, no matter how hard SAA tries to convince us otherwise.)

So she gives him the whole 'I like you, but I like like Edward more spiel, and you know how Muslim boys turn to drugs when they get rejected, this asshole was too hardcore for that, so he gave into peer pressure and became a fluffy Lycan (although they will never call them lycans in the movie, lest it reminds people of a proper Vampire/werewolf movie)

Then she doesnt update her facebook status for three hours, and Glitter boy thinks she is dead, and he realises he cant live while shes dead (not that he had a problem living a few thousand miles away from her when he thought she was alive) he decides to go to Italy to get himself killed. This is supposed to show all the kiddies self sacrifice because he loved her and all that crap but honestly - if you love someone, you dont let them go. Ever! Remember that boys and girls.

Long story short, he doesnt die, Jacob confronts him, gets bitch slapped and is immediately portrayed as the weaker one (because lets face it, he was only keeping the bed warm till Glitter Hero got his act together anyway - we all know he had no real shot with her - guys like him finish last, and end up humping strays behind the SPCA offices. And Vampie proposes to Bella.

My advice - if you do want to watch this movie, then go for the late show because those kids will get on your nerves, and you arent allowed to hit children in the cinema anymore. I'm tempted to swap the salt with anthrax. I think i'l be doing society a favour. We dont need this generation.



Aasia said...

I don't know what surprises me more

a) that twilight is the pansiest fucking book ever, to call it Gay is so wrong! Most gay dudes I know, make Edward look like tinkerbell.

b) the entire fucking serious carries on in this fashion

c) Gimme Ann Rice any day, Even the TRue Blood series is more about fucking than anything else.

They don't know what the fuck vampires are all about. Giveme Wesley Snipes and Hugh Jackman ANY DAY

Nielfa Hanifa said...

You forgot to mention the constipation constantly showing in Edward's face.

neverBlink said...

twilight speaks to what many women want in a relationship.
I guess there's a different part of the movie that speaks to each woman, but for me it was one line in particular
it's when edward says, "you are my life"
bella is first and foremost for him
he doesn't care that it's like against vampire code to date a human
he doesn't care that she's a total other species that's actually meant to be his food
he doesn't care that her family won't accept him and all the other stuff
he loves her and he wants to be with her and that's all that he knows

so sooo much better than a guy who puts his studies and his job and his friends and his family and society's expectations before his woman

so yes, twilight doesn't adhere to any literary laws and it rapes the very concept of vampire-dom

but it speaks to me and it's romantic :)

I haven't seen the second one yet, so I can't comment on most of what's said in this post. That's just what I thought after watching the first movie

Anonymous said...

The first movie I watched because I wanted to watch something that didn't need much brain activity. So I enjoyed it.
Oh let's go read the book series. Big mistake. I hated hated hated the book series.
I only read it because books are supposed to better than movies, right?

I immediately went and downloaded the entire Anne Rice collection and the True Blood book collection just to cleanse myself from this this crap.

I will only watch the movie just to see how bad it is and even then I will just download it from the internet 5 months from now. Because I am not wasting $20 on that crap.

Whoever believes that love is just like this needs to be shot.
What rubbish.
Now we're going to have a whole generation of teens looking for a glitter vampire to love.

Anonymous said...


i can't wait to read your review of the 4th movie.
it's the dumbest book ever.
the author didn't know what to write to end the series properly and she made such a dumbass story line. omg. it's trash.

M Junaid said...

NBL - When I say something is Gay I dont mean its homosexual. I kinda skipped through tru blood - just looked for the naughty bits really. I loved Van Helsing!

Nielfa - yeah! 'Trying too hard'

neverBlink - 'he loves her and he wants to be with her and that's all that he knows'

Which is why he left her for so long!

But you'l understand that after watching the second one. Please come back and comment once you have.

PIH - not if my anthrax solution works

I read the synopsis of it - and i found a wicked review of it. check your e-mail

Americanising Desi said...

not at all enthusiastic about it

neverBlink said...

lol i've watched new moon now and you're right, it does suck.

Edward is a moffie and bella is a lifeless cry-baby who needs to go back to acting school.

I was quite disappointed :(

Unknown said...

I took the wife to see if with some chums.

When I saw Edward glittering I'm like vampires don't glitter.

I was told that I was funny but nevermind all that it was an entertaining movie.

Edwards sister is not too shabby herself (that hairstyle looks lekker on her)

I would'nt mind spending time with that vampiress :-)

Anonymous said...

Twilight: New Moon was indeed quite dire at times and a bit of a disappointment. I’ll still be watching the next one though :)

I really liked the first film though and particularly the backdrop of Forks which was beautiful and dreamy. And sorry to say the obvious, but in the first film Edward is my dream-kind-of-guy. In the second film, he is unfortunately a bit of a sap.

Also, however pathetic the Twilight series might be at times, I think there is still good in the series - this being the theme of sexual restraint. In the first film we are under the impression that Edward resists sleeping with Bella because he may end up losing control, but it is explained in the novels that he is waiting to consummate his love after marriage (I haven’t read the later books but my friend informed me of this fact).

Waiting to consumate your love after marriage is a concept which is virtually non-exist in these times, so it’s refreshing that Meyer promoted this idea in her books, and I salute her for this.

I’ve never met the teenage girls who have read the books so I don’t know what kind of conscious impression this has had on them. But the fact this idea is introduced to them can only be a good thing, at a time when some young people are sadly trying to get rid of their virginity to the first person who comes along.

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