Sunday, October 04, 2009

On Birthdays and Writing

For the Past Three years Ive done Birthday Posts for myself, its been a tradition to put up a pic of Mj before he was a media jihadi, before he was an aspiring Ninja and when all it took to make him happy was a box of smarties. But now, as I become more and more detached from this medium I chose not to do a post this year.

I hesitate when it comes to somethings, but not this blog.

So theres been a lot of spring cleaning that ive been doing (in my archives) and alot of new paint on old doors but some things just seem to lurk... under the surface, beneath the text. I can delete the posts but I still feel it, kicking at me. I gave away too much of myself in this blog. And it made me vulnerable. To attacks from anons, from judgemental comments made by friends, to conclusions drawn from pointless posts. Now ive learnt to share a part of me with everyone who reads this... but to keep a part for myself.

My birthday was very enjoyable, and while im usually cynical when it comes to wishing people on facebook, I really appreciated all the well wishes. It made me feel very special. The best e-mail I got though was this one


from my niece Rumaysa in Australia. My family are coming down for a holiday next month and im very excited about it. They havent been down since emigrating seven years ago so everyone is excited. Its one thing im looking forward to.

This is what I wrote on Facebook earlier this evening - i was thinking about my blog when I wrote it


A lover must love

and a writer must write

Beyond words that heal, beyond words that hurt.

For fame, for others, for income.

In spite of fame, others, income.

The writer must Write.

We cannot keep it in.

Our sadness escapes in our tears, our joy in our smiles.

We have to capture it in our words.

We must write for ourselves.

We must write for ourselves.

Most of my new stuff is very personal. So I write for myself. To reflect, to absorb and sometimes to deflect.

We cannot keep it all in. We all need a pensieve*

There is beauty in writing for oneself.

I do not need to tell the world about all of my emotions. Its extremely liberating to be able to deal with emotion without the need for external support or acknowledgement. Without sympathy or praise.

Yes, we should write for others as well. We all love the attention, the comments, and sometimes the criticism. Whenever I press publish I am sharing a part of myself with the world. Even the most trivial note has some starting point that is beyond reductionist notions of filling some vacuum or void. Unless you're a cretinous plagiarist. Then you arent sharing anything of yours, you are just being a parasite (but this is something I will get into in another Note)

Im not saying that we shouldnt write to fill a void... That we shouldnt write for filling a vacuum. I am saying that we should write because we have to. Whatever the reason. Whatever the situation. Whatever the emotion.

We should write when we are happy, and we should write when we are sad. We should also write when we're not sure whether we are happy or sad.

Its ok to write when we are sad.

Sometimes we need to write when we are sad.

Sometimes I write to draw the poison out. I keep a little bit in. To make me a little bit harder. To make me a little more immune the next time. Antidote to Hate.

But whatever the reason,

the lover must love

and the writer must write

Give yourself completely to your words, but keep some away from others.

This is why when I write for myself I dont click 'Publish'.



Sofi said...

emmy is growing up?

i dont write..because im not a writer! ;P

good luck, my friend.

Zahera said...

You write...if you have time! Goodness time..where the hell are the days flying to?I barely have time for a wee these days!

Sometimes we only write whats written because we are in a completely different state of mind and heart to what we are the very next day... sometimes when you re-read your own stuff dont you ever think, "what the feck was wrong with me that day?" (dont me you as in personally you emmy- mean generically).

M Junaid said...

pommies are squatting in my blog again :D

you two know i have mad love for you :)

zesty - i think that all the time - thats why I deleted over a 150 posts on this blog.

Az said...

I agree with Zahera. I think we shouldn't take ourselves too seriously. We're entitled to change our minds innit?

Americanising Desi said...

:) i dunno why i have stopped writin!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!!! (belated...oops! :P hehe )

And I get what you mean. Its nice to share and fun to share. But it can be dangerous at times. I don't like having to think about the dangers of posting, but sometimes its a reality.

And the part of not having to share emotions in order to deal with them. I agree with that too. It comes with maturity, age, experience, etc though.

bb_aisha said...

i can't write any longer.
i echo sofs-you're growing up :-)

That Mash Guy said...

nice post.

"Now ive learnt to share a part of me with everyone who reads this... but to keep a part for myself."

took me a few years for that to click too.

happy birthday btw.. I don't know if I was on Fb then