Thursday, August 27, 2009

Concerning Al-Rum

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ~ِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ
أَزْوَاجا ً لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ
مَوَدَّة ً وَرَحْمَة ً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآيَات
لِقَوْم ٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ

Mash asked a question on twitter the other day - do you mind if your marriage prospect considers other prospects while still in negotiation with you?

I would mind.

Sometimes people are scared of giving it their all either because of what society will say if it doesnt work out, or scared that they may give too much of themselves and they feel like they are vulnerable afterwards. Its hard to quell these fears sometimes. These are legitimate concerns.

We are all so sure the one moment, and so unsure the next. Faith is often needed to galvanise fleeting blotches of endearment and attraction. This qualitative emotion that binds and blinds us all.

Sometimes we get irritated by peoples shortcomings. Our rickety pedestals mask our own inadequacies well. I am willing to change if that change will make me a better person. I am not willing to change for society - and I expect the same of my wife, whoever she may be.

I'm supposed to be scared about marriage, because it is for.ever.

But im not.

I do not know who I will marry, let alone whether I will marry at all. All I know is that I am not scared of it. I dont expect it to be easy but at the same time I do not think I will make it difficult.

I just finished surah Nisa (Hmm, I know, i'm lagging) and the following ayat stood out for me

Live with them in Kindness even if you dislike anything about them, it may be that you dislike something in which Allah has placed a lot of good for you. (4:19)

Every moment has brought me to this.

I dont blog much these days for a few reasons, but i'l get into that in another post. We are going to revive a boys only Halqah/ Dhikr/ Tafseer session every Friday after Taraweeh - if you are keen, hit me with an e-mail and i'l give you more details. The plan is to have a halqah and then a meal. My Spur suggestion has been vetoed like six times so i'm hoping to get some new blood on my side so we can overthrow that decision somehow. We will Prevail!



That Mash Guy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
That Mash Guy said...

I would mind too but the problem is that sometimes people come into your life at the same time or they cross over one another.

I guess it's a question of intention and how you conduct yourself.

I'm at peace with the idea that these things ultimately come from God. So patience is the virtue.

I would love to write a post about marriage... but right now I simply don't have the words.

Muhammad said...

Ofcourse the only answer is they would mind... who the hell in their right mind wouldn't mind. The one person you want is busy checking out other people? It grates against something in you doesn't it?

I remember writing about marriage some time ago... will have to search for it though. RElationships are abysses when it comes to discussion. THe key is to not stop discussing.

Anonymous said...

I admire that you not scared and I think it's great.

I wish I could be in that state of mind. I don't know if my issue is the for ever bit or the whole damn experience.

That is a beautiful verse of the Surah. I wish more people read and practiced it.

I hope you having and awesome Ramadaan MJ :)

Unknown said...

Sometimes you're a genius mate.

Shafinaaz Hassim said...

had spur yesterday. largish crowd in rosebank :) flying out today iA. keep well n smiling, bro. wslm

Anonymous said...

It's great that you're not scared, and that you have that open mind. When, insha-Allah, you do get to marriage, bear in mind that theory is one thing, and practice is another. By this, I mean that *thinking* these things BEFORE marriage - hypothesizing about what you're going to be like - and actually *living* through that experience - can be different things.

Like I said a while back: you never really know what something is like until you go through it for yourself.

So, while you're not yet married, work on developing the qualities you do want to have for that relationship: tolerance, trust, patience, and much more.

Insha-Allah, when you do get there, your foundation will be the kind of character that ensures success in your marriage.

All the best, and Ramadan Mubarak :)

Nooj said...

I relish the times I agree with OH.
Or maybe its just the boycott Israel pic :P

Anonymous said...

It would signal to me that they are not serious about me. And if thats the case....why am I wasting my time with them? So, yes I'd mind.

Az said...

Hey Monkey. Some great stuff here.

I knew we were friends for a reason. All my sentiments echoed in this post.

Hope you're having a fantastic Ramadaan.

Anonymous said...

See I think that most people are attracted to more than 1 person over the course of their lives... but when it comes to marriage, there is usually the expectation that there is only "the one". I think that you have to use both your heart and mind when choosing a marriage partner.... it may be the case that you love them dreadfully, but they actually have a very selfish side to them, or some other flaw...which will end up damaging your relationship later on... there is no such thing as .... i can fix the has to choose wisely.... its the biggest investment you are going to make in your life....and one should not be shy to look at the long terms returns... i've been around long enough to figure this out...none of that "romantic, heady" stuff for me... thank you

Fathima said...

i'd naively think that you'd just know that you know that he/she was the one you're meant to marry.(because it's your soul mate innit?)
what a surprise to grow up and realize that there are many reasons to get married for, other than love.

Shak said...

Life's too short to always be exclusive, especially in the initial stages. It doesn't matter to me whether my opposite is considering other people or not, as long as I know. If a point comes where I'd want them to look at me exclusively then I'd let them know. If they're not in the same place then of course it'd end there; but that wouldn't be the default position. We're both adults and can choose if the situation is something we can deal with or not. The most important thing is honesty imo.

But hey, maybe I just don't meet enough people to write them off so easily...

Shak said...

Whoops, forgot to subscribe.

M Junaid said...

Mash Guy - Yeah, we dont always have power over these points sometimes.

Mak - Youre qualified to give advice because youre married :P and youre one of my heroes... like Raiman!

Emmy :) Ramadan Mubarul to you too. I love that verse, and the one from Surah Rum

OH - i know you love me you strawberry milkshake drinking fag

Shafi - you went and came back and only now im responding to this post

Dreamlife - thanks for the advice boetie

Nooj - Come on lass - admit my greatness and ambition :)

Geeki - so thats three nays so far

Hey Chica - I always have a wonderful Ramadan alhumdulillah :)

charouchick - i kinda like the romantic mushy part of it

fathima - I dont really believe in soul mates - i believe that i'l be awesome with a whole bunch of people... but then again - this might just be arrogance ;)

Shak - Dude! I totally get that. At some time i'd like to be exclusive and it should go from there. im guess your facebook relationship status says 'open relationship' :P

Shafinaaz Hassim said...

Hey again.. thanks for re-linking me to this.. Loved reading it especially cos I didnt give it the attention it deserved the first time ... Loving the Quran quote of course... I put you in the category of engaged spiritualists because you're able to collate life and belief in the way that I believe it should be. And you do so without being self-righteous about it. Oh and it helps that you can write a fine article, too! Lol.. For the most part I agree with comments here; food for thought comes in knowing that He Plans Best. Even with the overlaps that Mash talks about. I remember the twitter update at the time, and I was so indignant at the time... but then if we live without Trust in process and Plan, then we're also led to this 'all-over-the-place'-ness that makes u sway between decisions and dare i say: 'prospects'...

Im beginning to understand the concept of arranged marriages, provided that compatibility is ascertained, and Trust that goes with completing half of Faith in the form of Nikkah, and also of the commitment that goes with having taken that decision with faith and maturity.

Allah knows best.

peaceful thoughts :)