Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Theory of Luv

I'm doing a bad impersonation of Killa here and as you will probably realise - I kind of lose the plot halfway - all this stereotyped mutterings isnt for me, but boy do I want that hundred rand voucher so I can buy this months FHM, NAG and Mad magazine. Maybe i'l get some porn as well. But honestly - who buys porn anymore when you have access to tons of it on the net. Thats like buying water. Its been a while since ive bought porn - last time I looked at a porn mag was 1998 I think. Maybe i'l buy Hamishs book. I'm just kidding. I'm not going to be in the top three. Top twenty yes, but top three - Naah. Sorry Killa my buddy - i'l put effort into your next competition :)...


I bumped into Firoza da other day. real piece i tell you. But she doesnt know it. Just how I like them. Not one of those uptight sandton bitches who lead you on and fantasize about Shahid kapoor when they close their eyes to kiss you.

We live in the same sections but I only bump into her at Gunston. First time checking her at The Zone, I nodded in her general direction and chuned 'wakkind salams' as I quickly scanned her trolley for incriminating artifacts. Condoms, Tiger balm, bananas.

'Not much' she giggled in that shy girl way. By shy girl I mean the type who will send bra pics on mxit but will cut off their faces so you cant use it against them. Not that im complaining. Just another deposit for joebanker if you catch my drift.

'Buckled yet?' I asked, seeing that her trolley was more boring than an Ireland Kenya test match.

'Insha Allah', she giggled as she swayed her head slightly to the left, like she was trying to get some water out of her ears. 'I met someone recently, you might know him. Youre his friend on facebook'.Yusuf Nanabhai.

'Lukka', I chuned, planning my Scofield escape. no point chatting to this chick if she off the market. Before I could make up an excuse she started giving me her whole life story. How he poked her on facebook, sent her a message saying 'pretty profile pic wanna be friends?' what! I dont even know this benchod. The only reason I accepted his invite is because his bru and I used to play ball in Matric.

But thats the problem with facebook and mxit. Its too easy to find someone. No challenge anymore. How can you love someone over the internet? I like how the cavemen did it. Hit the stekkie over the head with a club and drag her to your cave. This new age virtual luv thing dont work for me. I'm old school. So I went next door to Uncle Pats house and asked him what he thought luv was. This ballie is always drunk so I dont know when he isnt talking shit. His vrou says its when he tells her he loves her, but I check him confusing the post box for her and serenading it when he is drunk so i Dont know about that.

He reckons Love is like a poem you give your dragon that make her weak for you. Ya, but im Killa, I dont write poetry...

so he taught me one easy trick. Just take normal songs and change the tune slightly. Drunk ballie.

So he started singing one chutney number and then all of a sudden he screamed, 'Rasha you bitch, come ere, come ere, I got one love poem for you.

Rasha, you can cut the bloody poodina later, come ere I want to sing for you

L is for your laddoos I can see
O is ow you make me so orny
V is very very, vanakum ow you cherry
E is for err, your mother never raised you right. get this lightie some Juice.

Drunk Ballie.

So i went to visit Uncle Bhai Gora and check if he had an answer for me. 'Yah bah, he said as he eased himself into his TV room chair. Luv is waking up one morning, looking at the Begum that your parents arranged for you and saying 'This is better than that Gora chick who works at Standard Bank'. 'Yah bah', he said, 'Thats luv, when you start believing that shit'.

So what do you guys think luv is?



Work in Progress said...

Nice killa impersonation... Me thinks u have a good chance of winning this one.

Nooj said...

I havent read killa in eons but what I remember concurs with WIP. Like the water in ears image...

Shamz said...

Wicked Post.
Very good impersonation. I hope you get the $

Edge Of Where said...

quite enjoyed reading this

KiLLa said...

This was done with minimal effort you say..
Its excellent..
"poodinah" - lol. Dont remember when last i heard that word.

The whole drunk ballie thing was also sublime.

Thanks for complyng.. (and it gives me some form of closure over posting 25 movies)

Nafisa said...

You've hit the nail on the head.

KiLLa said...

But nafisa..

He didnt adhere to the "SCREW OXFORD DICTIONARY" rule

KiLLa said...

MJ Dude

I posted urs and all the other story's for all to view.

Nafisa said...

Lol, there are still grammatical errors in it. It's ok if you cant tell the difference :P

KiLLa said...

There are others being posted in the course of the day.

So i will allow the poll to let users change their votes..

Some are just to crude to post

Shafinaaz Hassim said...

Lol... oh my word

this is by far the awesomest impersonation, with KiLLa substance :)

Well done MJ!

You got my vote fer sure, boet! :P

Anonymous said...

lol, i had a feeling it was you or the OH when i read the "caveman" part on killa's blog.

lol..don't ask me why...

hope you get it :)

Zahera said...

looooolll you gotta win this one! its bloody hilarious (and scarily like killa)!

Anonymous said...

good one!

M Junaid said...

Yay! i won the poll - I fucking RULE!

Tazeen said...


enjoyed it

M Junaid said...

thanks tazeen :)