Monday, December 22, 2008

The Rainbow Has No Infidel

In the spirit of all things Hamish, here is a draft letter I hope to send to CUM Books (South Africas leading Christian Bookstore). Religion will always be big money and while I havent read Hamishs book yet, i'm pretty sure if I apply the Eric Cartman business model of marketing towards religious groups (South park. Episode 709 Christian Rock Hard) - we can take down that bloody Steve Hofmeyer. The problem with these guys is that if you want to sell them something you have to be rather long winded about it (If youve ever encountered a bible salesman you'l know what im talking about)


Dear Kobus Johnsen

Firstly, All praise to the Lord of the worlds and the choicest blessings on his messengers and those who strive in his path.

I trust in the Lord Almighty that he has blessed your family with peace in these troubled times. These times when religion is shunned for decadent hedonistic exploits. These are troubled times we live in my brother. You had a vision 15 years ago. A vision to open a CUM in every shopping mall in South Africa. Praise the Lord for blessing us with 40 Stores situated in convenient locations nationwide, hallelujah.

We were with you in Westgate, when you snipped the ribbon of prejudice and opened the first CUM store. We were with you in Westville when you spread the word of Christ next to the Verimark store. Our prayers were with you in Vanderbijlpark (Petrol price was high so we couldn't be there)

Today I would like to share our vision with you my brother. A vision that includes all South Africans, all of Gods children. The vision of love and happiness. To achieve this vision, nay, this conviction that we fulfill our vicegerancy as Gods chosen ones, it is imperative that we educate our flock.

For this reason and this reason alone (I shudder to think of men who profit off religion) I am offering you Kobus my brother, a chance to stock the greatest piece of fiction ever written (Before you hesitate, know that Gods word could never be fiction)

Not even offering. Just like how you shared your vision with us those 15 years ago, we will share this vision with you.

For too long we have languished as Dan Brown poisoned us with doubts and J.K Rowling enslaved us with pagan beliefs. As our Christian President in America says 'The Time for Change is Now'. That change my brother is the award winning novel, 'The Rainbow has No Pink' by Hamish Hoosen Pillay.

You might ask, 'how can a book change the world'? Well my brother, I have a 2000 year old answer to that one.

The novel is about oppression and persecution. Two themes that are interwoven in Christianity (I can still hear the Lions roaring in the coliseum). The novel follows Ayesha Mansoor (A very Christian name in the Balkans I am told) as she uncovers transgressions in Pagan apartheid South Africa. This was her cross to bear.

I would like nothing more than to elaborate on this beautiful piece, but much like the Bible. It is a very intimate read and is one for self discovery. We are asking you to allow South Africans to discover themselves, and they can only do this by reading our book... and by the will of God of course.

Brother Kobus - like the three wise men, we have CUM (see what I did there) bearing gifts. God has spoken on the matter (If he didnt want, the book would have never been written and it is blasphemy to question this logic) Now it is your turn to give an answer. Will you go against God?

God has spoken to us and has shown us your informed decision. As such we have already shipped a thousand copies to each of your 40 branches.

May every Mall and Centre in South Africa be filled with your CUM. Amen

Humbly Yours

M Judas Khan De Clerk


Az said...

LMAO @ "it is blasphemy to question this logic"...

Yeah I can imagine how thrilled he would be :D

Unknown said...

Well nostradamus did let the rabbit out on my arrival. When are we meeting up?

Anonymous said...

In the name of the Lord! How dare they not keep the book after a referral of this nature!

Et tu Judas?


Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

Westgate used to be our high-school haunt. Just down the road from the shopping centre was a tuisnywerheid called Ho-Made.

UJ said...

ah dude.. awesome letter.. u know what would really be funny? If you actually sent it to him. That would be hilarious :-)