Thursday, October 30, 2008

Concerning Comedy (2)

A few weeks ago I tried my hand at imitating Mitch Hedbergs style. So today I'm going to try recreating Chris Rocks infamous 'Niggas Vs Black People Skit". Let me state that this is for parody purposes only. Also - one of my anonymous readers (AL) who posted a comment in my Concerning Sami piece has asked me to cut down on my swearing so I will. Youre going to have to hear the original if you want to get the tone and pacing of it. Its on Chris Rocks HBO special - Bring the Pain, and it can be found on the Internet (Youtube did pull it off recently though) Here is the opening bit of it.
Slum Ous Vs Muslims
Now we've got a lot of things, a lot of hate in the world right now
Whose more Intolerant? Muslims or Christians?
Muslims....You know why? Cause we hate Muslims too
Everything Christians dont like about Muslims, Muslims really dont like about Muslims. There some shit goin on with Muslims right now. There's like a civil war goin on with Muslims
And there two sides....There's Muslims, and there's Slum Ous. And Slum Ous have got to go. Everytime Muslims wanna have a good time Ignorant ass Slum Ous mess it up.
Can't do shit, cant do shit, without some ignorant ass Slum Ou messin it up.
Cant do nothin.
Cant go to a nasheed concert.
Cause Slumous are dancing in the front. What kind of ignorant shit is that?
'Hay this is a good naath, this is so good i gotta bust a move in here'.
Hay I love Muslims, but i hate Slum Ous boy, boy i hate Slum Ous. Boy I wish they'd let me join the Tablighi Movement.
Shit I'd do a Jamaat from here to Lenasia.
I'm tired of slum ous man. You cant have shit when you around slum ous
You cant have no comedy show
You can have it but you better call it a Halaal convention
Put a cover charge and a Sanha certificate so Slum Ous think it’s a conference

Tired of slum ous
Tired tired tired tired of slum ous
You know whats the worst thing about slum ous

Slum ous are always wanting some credit for the things they supposed to do
A slum ou will brag about the shit that a normal muslim just does
A slum ou will say some shit like – 'I read my salaah'
You supposed to you dumb motherfucker
What kind of ignorant shit is that?

'I didn’t drink this year'
What ya want
A kajoor?
Ya not supposed to consume haraam you low expectations having mother fucker

You know whats the worst thing about slum ous
The worst thing about slum ous
Slum Ous love not knowing
Nothing make a slum ou happier than not knowing the answer to your question.
Just ask a slum ou a question. Any question. Hey slum ou – whose the third kaliph of Islam. 'I don’t know that stuff, i'm getting virgins'.

Shit – you wanna hide something from Slum Ous– put it into your Kitaabs. Why?
Slumous don’t read.
Books are like kryptonite to a Slum Ou
Give a Slum Ou Bhukari Sharif he'l be like 'Aagh, this isnt Fazaail Amal - I dont read this'.
I'm Tired of this shit

Fie Fi fo fum ou.
Boy I hate a slum ou

I see some of you slum ous looking at me. 'Man ,why you gotta say that? It aint us it’s the media. The media has distorted us to make us look bad'. Please cut the shit ok. When I board an aeroplane. I aint looking over my back for the media. I’m looking for slum ous.

Shit – Deborah Patta never threatened me with Jahanam.
Slum ous have

You know what. I need to go back to madressah. Let me stop lying. I need to go to madressah.
Let me tell you – if youre muslim. You get more respect coming out of Wrap it up than you do out of madressah.

You could be a Mufti – slum ous don’t care. They'l be like 'Smarty ass moron. Let me ask you this let me ask you this – how long is your beard?'

Now we have these fly by night Aalim clourse. You know its nonsense. Let me guess. I can put four years of Daarul Uloom into a six month course. You know why they call it fly by night Madressah – because once you done they fly you out to outlying areas where all you need to do is teach people how to make whudu and drill bore holes

As soon as you get your fly by night qualification someone always has the nerve to say ‘now you can go to Al Azhar University'.

Slow down!
I think its obvious Madressah was busting my ass.

I was in Daarul Uloom. So I said let me take some classes. So I said I’l do Muslim history. Got to know this. Right. I’m Muslim. I’l get a B just for showing up. Right
Wrong. aint that some shit. A muslim Man failing Muslim History.
Failed Muslim History. Why? Because I didn’t know shit about Muslim History. All I know about Muslim History is that someone took a walk to India and made my forefathers Muslim.
(I'd love to know how many people read my stuff - i'm guessing thirty max. If you do, can you say Hi on my chatbox, or leave a comment or send me an e-mail or something)
Going for Riaad Moosa tonight :) Should be fun.


Anonymous said...

hahaha good post MJ.even read it in a Chris Rock accent :-) (watched the HBO special, excellent; check out George Lopez and Eddie Izzard's on youtube if you havnt already)
"good naath, i gotta bust a move" lmao, classic!
I'm sure you could have expanded but that might have gotten you some hate mail.
Enjoy the Riaad show

Waseem said...

Good stuff man, but you see that isnt even it, theres Slum ous, Muslims and third are the ones that complain about everything.

Slum ous are the ignorant ones, that show up for their 1/2 salaah i.e. Eid Salaah for the biryani. Occasionally Jummah cos Riverside gives Dhalghos. 2 rakaats are so easy, but the dua afterwards is pushing it, so they go get their place on the tressle (how do you spell that?).

The third, havent thought of a name for them yet, they read their salaah, but they peek their heads around to make sure everyones reading theirs too, and reading it correctly. Theyre the ones that give zakaat, but calculated to 0.000001% accuracy (rounded to lowest) and the zakaat is pretended to be half Abu Bakr (R.A)s wealth and trumpeted to all corners.

KiLLa said...

I didn’t drink this year'
What ya want
A kajoor?

Class lines these are.Its funny, yet its reality.

However though. Many people dont like it when reality is exposed.
(they go all jamiat on your ass)

Hats off.. Subliminal post

Princess said...

MJ this is brilliantly written, you raise some really valid points. Slam Ou's should sweep their own door stesp before they sweep others so to speak....

Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

ah dude, yes!

Nooj said...

Muslim stuff is def ur thing
way better than that charou one

bb_aisha said...

riz & yums will be thrilled. riz tells my mum 'mj's look suits him. he's got the media thing going. that boy's talented. you must read the stuff he writes.' & i'm saying 'riz, don't tell mj this. say you like it but don't go on. he'll get a big head'

aww, i wanna go for riaad moosa show too

M Junaid said...

thanks imtiaz :)
first time commenter?
I get hate mail regardless - but I didnt want to go overboard for the same reason that Chris stopped performing this act. Also - i didnt want to be biased towards any school of thought hence I took a stab at the two most dominent ones within the Indian Muslim population.

Ive got Lopez's stuf as well as Izzy's. i did a post on my favourite stand up comedians. George Carlin, Richard Pryor and Mitch Hedberg - love those guys. From the guys who are still living - Chappelle and Rock. I think Pablo Fransisco is over rated. And Jeff Dunham sucks when he doesnt have his hand up somethings ass

Waseem - we need to work on a name for the third one. The term Chutzpah comes to mind

Killa - im used to it now - people must remember that this is just my opinion. thanks.

Princess and Saals - ta :D

Noojus coolness - I liked my 'Dark Knight piece. you and waseem say the same thing. thanks though.

Spiji - Riz is the coolest sister no doubt. Was Yums at the concert?

Az said...

I read your stuff :)

You should do stand up...that would be funny too :)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

leave the soppy melancholic crap out.... your muslim humour is brilliant

thats the reason i come here


M Junaid said...

Azra - treid my hand at it once - didnt go so well :) but i'l try again next month at a variety show

Archtype - thats all I wanted from my readers. Just to say Hi

ABR - as Bryan Adams said - Take me as i am. There are blogs that only concentrate on humour or bitching about stuff or just getting sex. Mine isnt like that - I know alot of people just like reading the muslim humour stuff and I appreciate it - but I dont want my blog (and extension me) to be about that only.

KiLLa said...

Didnt read instructions.. sorry

So here goes..


TheDivorcedMuslimah said...

First time checking out your blog...
This post was great---very entertaining and funny, yet; sadly, true...

Anonymous said...

You doing the same thing adding to the bad and not doing anything good about it.

I suppose if we focus on the pros more than the cons(which need to be spoken about,but not all the time) we might get somewhere

Mark me as disappointed!

M Junaid said...

Culinary queen. Thanks :)

Shaitaan- i suggest you spend a little time reading my blog. I'm pretty sure most of my posts are positive in nature. If my post makes anyone introspective. Then i'm happy. I feel i have done my bit. Yes- we must cover the faults of others. But at the same time- i believe more in the concept of haq. Besides- reformation cannot take place if we keep covering faults only. I'm not saying name and shame or anything like that.
Hope this leads to a constructive discussion.

Nafisa said...

Brilliant MJ! love it!

PS If all your readers tell you what to do, will you? You're a natural. Swearing is synonymous with you. If you change your writing to suit others - who you will you be?

Shafinaaz Hassim said...

aw. anon/shaitaan is disappointed.

of course. add bewildered, pathetic and a floozy who cannot tell the difference between good and bad. shaitaan deserves to be disappointed. what were those words? like attracts like? hope i quoted adequately. wouldnt want to be misquoted, hey mj..

Anonymous said...


Nooj said...

Hmmm nafisa. I agree with you that a writing style should be natural but I enjoyed this skit as much and maybe even more than I would have had it included the more unsavoury of Chris Rock's language. It's Mj's choice. But I feel the terminology of swearing, like for example the word concert has connotations that no matter how much we deconstruct language are not going to go away. Even though these connotations are far removed from their original meanings. Yawn. I can't explain this properly

Anonymous said...


awesome post. I enjoyed reading it but the truth f it makes me sad. we are a pathetic excuse for muslims

Khadija said...

:) told ya it was good but I was a goat not to say hi, so... hi.

Unknown said...

Hi :)
i tried reading it in my head in Chris Rock's accent and it was brilliant!

Anonymous said...

why so seriyaas son!!! lol first time reading your blog.... excellent.... HI

M Junaid said...

Nafisa and Nooj - :)

Firstly - Nooj - I get what ya mean - construvtion of language and all that - Raymond Williams stuff :)

Nafisa - Ive decided to cut down on the gratuitous profanity because swearing isnt good. I dont think i'l ever end up saying eff where I want to say fuck but from now on - if swearing isnt needed, then i'm not going to use it.

Kimya - maybe its another shaitaan?

Person - Hey mate :)

Emancipatingmymind - thanks for the comment. Truth is sad - but if you really wanna be bummed - just read up on our history - Muslim history always bums me out - starting from the Khalifat of Abu Bakr (r.a)

Khadija :) Youre not a goat - baaaaaa

Razia - Hi :)

Pretty Marketer - Hi :) why so seriyaas?
I did a post on that :P


I should warn people before bashing them over the head with shameless plugs :)

Anonymous said...

Dude as the slum ous would say, "you're going to jahanam!!!"

lol @ 'Hay this is a good naath, this is so good i gotta bust a move in here'.

sometimes it hurts to laugh... (and that's the hacking cough speaking)

Anonymous said...

Wow.. this made me bust out laughing in this cafe I'm in.. Thanks for the link!

"When I board an aeroplane. I aint looking over my back for the media. I’m looking for slum ous."


Unknown said...

A good read, thanks for linking me to it.

The Chris Rock piece it's based on is what got me loving comedy while growing up. I know the entire piece word for word and I'm a little bummed that you wrote this before I did more justice to it than I would have been able to.

Please make sure that you let me know when you're gonna be performing stand-up at this variety show, I'll try my best to come through and support.

Unknown said...

Brother MJ, you Sir are the Grand Mufti of muslim parody, or parody of any other kind for that matter.
Awesome piece as always.
I'll be sitting in the front row when you do your stand-up gig :)