Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Concerning Super Heroes

The Gang and I are going for Iron Man this week, and for the first time ever, I am not excited about watching a super hero movie. I'm sure I'll have tons of fun regardless (My friends rock) but Iron Man has never ever caught my attention. Lets put it this way - if I was a kid and you asked me to choose between an Iron Man comic and the latest issue of Living and Loving, I'd choose Living and Loving (I'd choose it these days as well - MJ Loves Boobs) I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think Iron Man will truly suck - lets hope I am wrong.
To mark Iron Mans release however, Ive decided to do a post on my Seven Crappiest Super Hero movies (I'll do a counter post on the seven best soon, for now all I'm saying is that X Men 2 is my favourite) I chose seven as opposed to my traditional five as I believe that all these movies deserve a mention. A few things about this list - Most people I spoke to hated Daredevil and the Punisher, but I liked them so you won't find them here. I also kinda liked Electra, so she wont be here either.
7. Fantastic Four - Silver Surfer. I really enjoyed the first Fantastic Four. It had a good blend of humour and action. Most superhero movies need that (except Batman Begins which I think takes itself too seriously) However, I walked out of the second movie disappointed. i don't know any Fantastic Four mythology, but are villains so scarce that they have to resurrect the guy they defeated in the first movie? Also, Fantastic Four seemed to do the impossible in that it sucked all the sexiness out of Jessica Alba. Gawd she looked awful in that movie. Mostly for that reason, its my seventh worst super hero movie.
6. Ghost Rider. Not even Eva Mendes's cleavage could save this movie. If you are a regular reader of my blog you know my thoughts on Nicholas Cage. The best part of the movie was that everytime his head caught alight I was saved from looking at his face.
5. Hellboy - Dumb. Lets move along
4. Batman and Robin. George Clooney as Batman. George Clooney as Batman. One more time. George Clooney as Batman. OK, so this guy made a name for himself in E.R, so the casting director says 'hey, doctors save people, so does Batman.. Clooney will be awesome'. Its logic like this that starts pointless wars. This movie sucked so bad. My favourite Batman movie is still the original with Keaton and Nicholson
3. Hulk. "Don't make me angry.. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry". More like 'don't make me bored', because that's what I was for the first hour or so. Watching Hulk is like dating a a really innocent girl. You have to invest tons of time and sms's and mxit messages before you get any action. Urgh! Hulk was puss.
2. Catwoman. Where do I begin with this one... The only relation this movie had to the comic was its name. That's it. I cant call this an adaptation. It doesn't seem fair. When Halle Berry won the Razzie for worst actress of the year (for Catwoman) she said 'First of all, I want to thank Warner Brothers. Thank you for putting me in a piece of shit, God awful movie . . . It was just what my career needed'. Isn't that a pile of shit. Shes not a struggling actress or anything, I mean, this was straight off the heels of her Academy award winning performance for Monsters Ball) but heres the thing - I think its a trend for all Oscar winners to do a shit move immediately after they win an Oscar - see Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux and Jamie Foxx in Stealth (Aeon Flux isn't in my list as I have not watched it yet)
1. Ultraviolet. I love Milla Jovovich. She was awesome in the Resident Evil franchise (and we share initials), but Man did I hate this movie. Worst Super hero movie ever. I don't want to even recall what happened in it as I have suppressed those memories deep within my cranial cortex. If there is one thing that you take away from my blog it must be this - do not watch Ultraviolet.
Your thoughts...


Unknown said...

spiderman 3 was so terrible that i begin to dry heave everytime someone mentions it.

KiLLa said...

U will not see Ironman in a costume up until zee end of zee movie and then only its for 10 minutes. Zee previous hour and a half is about him talking to zee bad guys... And yet people will waste good money to watch 10 minutes of Ironmans suit.. Just Like Hulk..


Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

ditto Mish.
Spidey 3 was awful. I wanted to squash Peter Parker like a little bug.
All that emo-kak.

Unknown said...

i'm not that big on superhero movies. hulk looked like ass. patricia lewis in her german porno looked more appealling.

Hamza Fareed said...

Iron man was a cool character until Marvel made him a villian... he would make a good villian though how many superheroes can say they defeated Hulk or wanted to send New York into the negative zone.
Have you seen the trailer?
Rocking out to AC/DC back in black, what more do you need to build some excitement?
and Batman is suppose to be taken seriously they just kiddied the other movies.
Hulk although it was boring as fuck
is what hulk comic was in the beginning inner struggle and shit

Unknown said...

when fucking ang lee decided to play the hulk himself and leave eric to walk around like a glitter ponce, well that was enough not to bootleg it.

That's one way to curb piracy. Be really kak. like steve Hofmeyr

Unknown said...

fuck mtn