Monday, April 16, 2007

Concerning Murder

Who Killed Bob Woolmer?

So its been a few weeks, and the most newsworthy piece to come out off the Caribbean has been the death of former Pakistani coach, Bob Woolmer – so far they have been no arrests, so lets go through a bunch of suspects. Bear in mind that everyone will be presumed innocent until they are found guilty

1. Voldemort Killed Woolmer – ‘He who must not be named’ has a long history of murder (no convictions though) and the fact that there seems to be no forced entry makes me believe that he used a portkey to get into Woolmers room. As for motive – Does he really need a motive? I mean – he killed Cedric Diggory without reason ( I would have kept him alive – that kid had potential, and would have rose up the ranks as a worthy Death Eater)

2. Dhalsim Killed Woolmer – The master Indian contortionist from Street Fighter has plenty reason to despise the coach of a rival cricketing nation – ‘Booga Fire’

3. Sha Ruk Khan Killed Woolmer – Bitter for having to serve so many years in a Pakistani jail in Veer Zaara, as well as fighting Pakistani Terrorists in Main Hoo Naa, the Bollywood icon takes matters into his own hands and decides to deal a lethal blow to Pakistan

4. Paan Killed Woolmer – We know that he choked, so I’m guessing he was chewing on some Betel Nut at the time, and it got stuck in his wind pipe

5. Al Qaeda Killed Woolmer – Don’t ask me to find the motive here, but this was a legitimate lead! Apparently its linked to gambling – hmm – goes against their motto me thinks

6. Inzamum Killed Woolmer – I mean, it crossed all our minds already – big guy choking him. Makes sense

7. The Boondock Saints Killed Woolmer – Poor Irish lads got their dates wrong and thought they could give Ireland a little help by wiping out the oppositions coach – a good motivation for why one shouldn’t have too much Guinness on saint patty’s day.

8. Mxit killed WoolmerMxit is the media’s new scapegoat for social degradation, so why not pin Bob’s murder on mxit as well – I mean, instead of blaming parents for their horrible upbringing, mxit takes all responsibility when some kid kills another.

9. Hamish Killed Woolmer – I think I picked this up on R’s blog – hmm – will have to get CSI on this one
10. Mugabe Killed Woolmer – Apart from wanting to be the only Bob in the media, what better way to piss Blair and the other pommies off, then to kill a cricket legend – I mean, he could have killed Kobe Bryant, but no one in England gives a shit about him.
P.s - Joe - please dont put up Thursdays pics on your blog


qdee said...

Chuck did it.

ZK said...

i agree wid qdee chuck did it and would you please leav the sexy yummy boondocks alone...heheheh
Connor: Now you will receive us.
Murphy: We do not ask for your poor, or your hungry.
Connor: We do not want your tired and sick.
Murphy: It is your corrupt we claim.
Connor: It is your evil that will be sought by us.
Murphy: With every breath we shall hunt them down.
Connor: Each day, we will spill their blood till it rains down from the skies.
Murphy: Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal, these are principals that every man of every faith can embrace.
Connor: These are not polite suggestions, these are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost.
Murphy: There are lesser forms of evil, we urge you lesser forms of filth not to push the bounds and cross over into true corruption, into our domain.
Connor: But if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three. And on that day, you will reap it.
Murphy: And we will send you to whatever god you wish.
[Murphy and Conner join II Duce behind Yakavetta]
Connor, Murphy, Il Duce: And shepherds we shall be, For they my lord for thy. Power has descended forth from thy hand, our feet may swiftly carry out thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
Il Duce: In nomine Patri
Connor: Et Fili
Murphy: Spiritus Sancti

Waseem said...

Loved the post man, I think maybe you are on to something, you should give West Indies police a call.

Im happy that you found the link funny as it was meant to be not as arrogance

Nadia said...

lol,its hard choice but id go with Voldemort.

Zahera said...

loooolll... youre fabulous EmJay dya know that! :-D
I reckon its Mugabe (us Pommies love blaming him for everyttthingggg) :-P

Anonymous said...

Hamish did it!

SingleGuy said...

You forgot the other Usual Suspects...

1. O.J. Simpson
2. Kaiser Sosé
3. Schabir Shaik
4. Jacob Zuma
5. Cardinal Richeliu
6. Darth Vader...

Personally, my money is on Kaiser Sosé

Mohamed Karolia said...

Dude this is one o the best posts ive read in a while. It helped me survive my Civil procedure lecture today. Hehe I laughed in class lol thanks for almost getting me thrown out.

Steve Urkel did it hehe

J said...

It was inzamam...he sat on Woolmer's neck. Or maybe a combination of Inzamam and paan. Bad things happen to good people. Maybe Woolmer was doing a Michael Hutchence, who knows? It might have been Liz Hurley. Somehow she seems like she would kill poor Bob. I think its the fact that she had so many weddings that leads me to think that she's craxy enough to do it. ok, seriously, i think it was the whole Paki team, like an Agatha Christie novel :) Wow, how cool would that be? Murder on the Orient Express revisited...

arshad said...

i Killed Him... :-X dnt Tell Any1

r said...

arshad couldnt kill a fly.. =P but dont tell anyone. and it was The Teacher that killed him. or i agree with fati.. it was Ham!

taz said...

damn... so Bush had nothing to do with it!

Unknown said...

LOL. Actually you would have to hear me laugh. That would be the nail in my coffin.

Sweet MJ. Nice post.

M Junaid said...

QD - My Lady :) Chuck didnt kill him - if chuck had roundhouse kicked him he would have demolecularised ( like what happened at the end of xmen 3)

Zahira - Irish Super heroes - i lovd the movie as well - i got it on dvd if you want

Waseem and K Man- Thanks for the compliment - mst of my writing used to be like this before - it just became this sombre mush in the past few months, but i think thats over now, and im gonna start writing crap again :)

Nadz - Doesnt Voldemort make sense my nando snacking friend? i mean - he could have used the crucio curse - which will explain the choking

Zah - Bob is capable of anything

singleguy - i was lambasted last week for not watching the usual suspects yet - think it was zoe who or masood who told me - i like your list - cardinal Richeliu - hmm - only if we get Tim Curry to reprise his role

JOE - a paki gang bang ( yuck)

Hamish is getting alot of votes hey :)

Bush doesnt know what cricket is T.A.z

bb_aisha said...

My bet is on Mossad. But shhh, dont say I told u

Muhammad said...

Eish.,.. how SA won the match yesterday.... Eish! :)


Anonymous said...

kobus did it. from benoni.

Anonymous said...

woohoo, they found a suspect, Thank you CCTV. I'm off the hook. Funny enough I showed this blog to my friends and they thought it was disturbing how people in blogland thought I was capable of murder, Hug me damnit, i'm cuddly. DOesnt that just scream docile?

Beavis & Butthead said...

Beavis: who killed bob woolmer?

Butthead: the umfaan in the beanie

*Beavis and Butthead smoke a bla and walk away*