Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Concerning Eastern Mosaic

My Sunday's usually consist of waking up at about eleven. switching the telly on to catch Eastern mosaic, purely to laugh at the excuse for 'Indian Culture thats on display' - I mean, really now- can Auntie Sheila in Unit seven Chatsworth really identify with half the shit this show churns out. Ok, i know, maybe Indians are watching it for escapism or something, but then too - the show does glamourize certain aspects of Indian-ness.

Surely, there's more to being an Indian South African than watching the latest sharwar kameez designs fresh off the catwalks of Mumbai. And what is it doing for representing Indians in regards to showing diversity and cultural tolerance in our land.... well, not much really. It just show other race groups that our lives center around whether Aishwaria Rai is involved with Salman or Vivek or Abishek, and that we dont give a shit about South African issues - I know you can point out to me that there are programmes that highlight South African issues, but I think Eastern Mosaic should have at least one segment a week dedicated to this. Occasionally they do a human interest story, but before you know it, its back to the 'glam charou'. I shouldnt bitch too much as my mum and smaller sister watch it religiously ( you'd think it was gummi bears or something, the way they don't miss an episode) And i Have to admit- i do concentrate on the top ten, North and South - Why is it that all South Indian actors are extremely hairy?

It is a pity that while Lotus FM promotes the latest Bollywood movies with the bullshit slogan "Wholesome family Entertainment" i find myself skipping the last part of 'Where's the Party tonight' just so my niece and nephew don't see Shah Ruk and Rani getting it on. Pity they couldnt leave that scene till after the music video. i'm not a prude and while I know that the movie was targeted at an older audience (although with these days HIV AIDS awareness campaigns being targeted at younger and younger kids, you tend to wonder how innocent kids are) the music video, which gets ample play time thanks to the wonderful Pakistanis who compiled all the songs onto one dvd, shouldn't have had this part. Maybe i'm wrong to expect more conservativeness from Bollywood movies, i mean - if i was unbiased, i could say that many hip hop videos have footage of stimulated sex, and hoochie mama's shaking their booty all up and down this mutha ___. But Bollywood was always a sanctuary from that- at least in Hollywood, you get Hallmark and Disney stuff - The trend in Bollywood over the past half decade has just been 'show more skin, show some tongue, thats a wrap'.

So - what would i like to see on Eastern Mosaic (be warned- i indulge in stereotypes):

A segment on caste issues and how they continue to mess up society. maybe have a reality show- have a Urdu speaking guy propose to a memon chick and let the camera's roll as the parents fight it out. Or a kokani girl and a surtee guy. Heck - inter racial stuff as well - i'l watch that

Do a cooking segment on a dish that most people can afford to make, even if its once every four months - i mean, the amount of saffron they use on a typical sunday probably costs more than the plane ticket to India.

Promote the local industry - yeah - most of them suck. but, hey - it makes for great television

Give that metrosexual moron Imraan a machette and have him toil in a sugar cane field for eighteen hours. get back to your roots man - and no, i don't mean waiting for your dye to grow out.

Tackle the whole fireworks issue - should big bangs be illegal? Should the Azaan be on the loudspeakers for fajr? stuff like that

Have a bunny eating contest, with some corny title like 'Big Balla Bunny' i chooning you ekse, we have that fairy ou, imraan mapping a hot broad beans bunny, and we ous hide the dop, so he vie taaties soeking it (translation - Serve our effeminate host a spicy local dish, and hide the drinks, so that we can capture his desperate search for a soothing beverage on camera)

any more ideas?


Muhammad said...

hahahahahahhaa! omg that was freakin hilarious.

On a serious note I agree we need something more pertinent, something more relevant. Something Fucking Real.

Something... other than Imraan doing a fake laugh and saying "Oh, That's wonderful!" while lusting after an overpriced shish Kebab to the soundtrack of a non-wholesome bollywood track.

Shit, they should do an Indian version of "Kids"... that'll shake the foundations.

Excellent post Bru,


safiyyamk said...

lol that was good... btw its KOKANI and cockney- ppl should stop spelling it that way...
Imraan is really gay- all the food stuff he tastes he goes "mmmmm" or "hmmmm this is lovely!"
as for the bollywood side- they are really delayed- esp the song countdown, and he cant even pronounce the name of the song or movie..
The programme is crap- they should focus on local entertainment...

Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

oooh...more linkage. I'm touched, but not in a pervy way.

While we're on subject perhaps Imraan Fried-onion-base should do a segment on laser hair removal. There's only so much manly chest hair one is meant to showcase through an open-necked shirt.

Zahera said...

LOOOLLLL- fantastic! :-D Great blog entry MJ!
For a second i thought you meant that metrosexual mornon Imran Hashmi :-D lolll (well, same could apply huh)!

Propose to a memon chick!? *gasps* thats just asking for trouble! ;-)

J said...

Lol, An Indian Jerry Springer/Ricki Lake...I'm still deciding if that would make the programme worse or better. Imraan has a baboon escaping his chest but facially he looks like he's 12...strange...but the people love him (refer to Diwali episode; note smiles and excitement in the eyes of the children..)
Please don't suggest the promotion of local Indian filmmakers/industry. Need I mention Broken Promises...more theatre, that would be lovely!
Think they've already had the bunny chow competition...Logie was there with his Mr T medallion. Mapping a veg bunny... Um, taaties? I've never heard that word before:D
My suggestion? A little less Ashwin Desai, a little more Dravidian Top 10! Hey, we all loved that video with the human-sized chickens...and the ones set in industrial zones. And don't dismiss the chequered shirts...those serve as an homage to Clark Kent. As for the hair and moustaches...think Magnum PI, or Earl.
Seriously, those Down-Southerners get the short end of the stick. It seems like Bollywood decided to have a clean-up of their 80s technical equipment (old VHS recorders, cassette players etc) and passed it on "generously" to their southern brothers. I did notice a new video that looked Bollywood-produced but it feels like it might be the last good one we see in a while...
Also more variety in their fashion segment. More on local designers. It looks the same every week, with all those pouffs, flared nostrils and eastern-otherness-looking models. Or perhaps a complete scrapping of the fashion stuff..
Also, they visited, like, two former Indian areas and then went back to the studio!What about Overport and Erasmia? Reservoir Hills and Azzadville? What about Stanger, Verulam, Tongaat, Chatsworth and um...Marabastad? Ok, I don't know all the former Indian areas, but awareness might help their development...ok, so maybe we should keep Ashwin, he has a flair for citizen's rights issues...
Too many Bollywood stars telling me to watch "Eastern Mozek." They show us too many images and tell us too little about the films/stars in their quest to be purveyors of glamour. Also find their style of presenting, in soundbites of neoligisms and toothy grins, a bit too thin for me. Like my content meaty...
Also, less Sorisha, more Candice. She's a natural.
Sorry, I didn't offer much in the way of programme ideas...How about we look at Indians overseas? A segment on our American/Canadian/British/Aussie/Kenyan counterparts? And um, a bit more on Muslims...I know, I'm biased, but we only get a small coverage on Saturday afternoons and during Ramadaan and on radio...:)

rah* said...

Can the show, says the Queen.

Despite it's cringe factor being pretty steep:

Firstly, it really does make us all seem as though we're heart and soul in India and couldn't give a damn about life here.

Secondly, it's a total farce, makes charos look like we all live the glam life, perpetuates a stereotype, which isn't helped by the likes of Schabir "tjookies" et al. The reality is, is that more people are like Aunty Sheila than the bling charos like that Reddy dude with his helicopters. I guess they just never bothered with a huge demographic survey.

We need a talk show, a decent one, not a sectarian bashing session or a trashy faux intellectual felicia-esque one either. Something more thought provoking than Imraan or Mahendra's fake smiles.

ooo this might spawn a Chronicle...