Sunday, October 22, 2006

Concerning Eid

Just had a weird thought…

The Metrosexual Muslims Eid Morning

….The night blankets the streets in silence. Somewhere down the road, an Indian ‘red-lines’ his VW city Golf. The tyres screech on the tar, scarring it, like a black crayon on a rain cloud. Somewhere in a small suburb in Durban, a cellular phone goes off. Asif grumbles, as he searches for the phone in his sleep. The phone lies on his dressing table, nestled between the men’s health and his topi. It’s on charge – undoubtedly due his ‘mxiting’ the night before (damn battery killing programme!) he scrambles to switch it off- its two thirty in the morning – and the house is asleep. ‘Gosh’, he exclaimed- ‘only an hour to get ready for Fajr’. Asif runs to the bathroom. ‘So many choices, so many choices. Do I rinse once then condition or just use a two in one? The organics has a nice smell, but the head and shoulders give me volume, which is vital, but I’m wearing a topi, so I don’t need volume… decisions, decisions’. Asif’s shower rack resembled his mothers spice rack, except that instead of an assortment of spices, he had cosmetics. He surveyed his nails proudly and thought to himself, ‘the guy reading Salaat next to me had the grossest nails. Half bitten, filthy. When he raised his finger for tashahud I felt like dying, like it was gonna jump out and attack me’. As he reached for his loofah, he realized that his shower gel had finished. Asif was horrified- he had read in Cosmo that normal soap dries out your skin- the sacrifices a young Muslim boy has to endure. Meanwhile, next door, Ossie was sleeping, dreaming of watching some of the soccer matches he taped in Ramadan because his dad didn’t allow him to watch (actually it was his mum, his dad just seemed to agree with whatever his mum said). Asif emerged out of the shower half an hour later. He scanned the mirror instantly, looking for telltale signs of dried skin (he had watched a national discovery channel special on tortoises the week before) ‘Why didn’t I buy shower gel’ he bemoaned as he tilted his body to the left.

If his shower rack resembled a spice cupboard, surely his dressing table resembled a chemical warehouse in Iraq before the U.N inspectors popped in. Moisturizers, of all sizes and aromas. Cream to remove lines from the eyes. Sticky pieces of paper to eliminate blackheads. Asif had his routine down to the last scrub. ‘Half an hour to fajr- where is my toner? And I have to moisturize as well, some uncle is going to dab some foul smelling Attar on my hands, I just know it. I don’t mind the nice smelling ones, but the strong black stuff that stays on your hand for three days and smells like an old Kitaab is just so not cool. Next Door, Ossies father knocks on his door quietly, ‘Son, wake up, I need the Musallahs, we going for the Springfield Eid Gah and those mats are like sandpaper’. A combination of hair mousse, salon gel and hair putty (that thing in a can that gives you the ‘just woke up look’) is applied mutinously to Asif’s scalp – These days it would seem that its harder to achieve a disheveled look as opposed to brushing neatly. Wardrobe choices stump poor Asif. He contemplates a black Kurtah with a white topi, or a White Kurtah with a gray Topi. ‘But I don’t have any shoes to match the white Kurtah, if I wear the grey topi, even though no one will see my shoes in the mosque, someones bound to notice when I’m outside. No No, Hmm – Eid Gah is gonna be outdoors, the white will look good with the sun rising, better put on a little more sunblock.

The End

Eid Mubaruk



Zahera said...

LOOOOLLL MJ- you really have a beautiful way with words mashAllah :-)
Eid Mubaruk to you too- hope its a day filled with fun and laughter!You're soo right about eid becomming expensive as you grow older! I think an alien took over my mind this morning when i offered to buy my sister a Jacosi bag costing around 70 quid *gulps* I walked right into that one!

Its quite scary how you seem to know sooo much about cosmetics and moisturizers/toners etc- hhhhmmmm.
"Maaf" texts always make me laugh- precisely cos you dont hear from these people during the rest of the year!

M Junaid said...

I read the occasional FHM and what not- but i'm pretty sure i'm not a metrosexual - I'm just a regular, head and shoulders and clearasil kind of guy. and no, pink is not in my wardrobe

Zahera said...

Why the hell would you need an excuse to watch Tom Welling? hell just say he's the reason! Its justifiable! :-D
mmm Head & Shoulders rules! and MJ, there is absolutely nothin wrong with a guy having pink in his wardrobe aslong as he is sauve enough to pull it off! ;-)

Anonymous said...

bwahaha@metrosexual muslim! lol! 2 funny! eid mubarak ;-)

Saaleha Idrees Bamjee said...

funny floppy-haired boy.

Muhammad said...

told you the metrosexual thingy was a really good idea :P good going... and maaf for not sending you pretentious maaf messages... Although I kinda remember us all exchanging profanities on the soccer pitch... bitch.


Salaam Bro,


J said...

If I were you, I'd klap the girl who took your tinkie...the cheapskates only give you four in a box, ain't no way i'm sharing mine...
Um, Zahera is right, you seem a bit too familiar with some products...:) Btw, does this boy really exist? Do you actually know someone who fits this description? Just curious :) Anyway, thanks for making me laugh again :)

M Junaid said...

Nope, he doesnt exist hey. my friends arent as open about their beauty practises as one would expect. but judging from the clear skin my mate has, i'm assuming he's exfoliating behind closed doors :)